Lust or respect

I have been thinking about him quite a bit recently and I am not sure this can go on. He hurt me in the past when he wanted me as his sex toy but I wanted him to want me for me. I vowed then that I would never see him again. But gradually he won me around. He began inviting me round to his place for a cup of tea but the tea was never finished. The kissing always began as soon as I got through the door.

The kissing always led to more .....led to his bed even.

When we first met (face to face that is) after chatting as friends for 6 months he knew all about my experimenting. He knew about all the guys I had met. But he also knew that I had decided to give up experimenting, that I wanted a steady relationship. I had resisted meeting him for months but when we did meet wow I was besotted. He asked me why I had changed my mind. I thought he meant why had I changed my mind about meeting him. I had always known we would meet eventually so I hadn't changed my mind at all.

I later realised he had been asking me why I had changed my mind about being friends with benefits. (I hadn't but he thought I had). After several fraught but passionate months (passionate on my part) we parted company. I had told him several times that I didn't want to be his sex toy. But that is exactly what I was, what I was again when we began meeting up the second time around. Although this second time I was able to keep my heart protected, I distanced my heart from the physical relationship we were having.

Then he moved, sold his house, rendering him unable to keep up our rendevouz. It has been 18 months now since we were last together. We still chat, usually on Windows Live Messenger, I log in to look at my emails at lunchtime. He starts to chat, sometimes daily other times a week or more goes by. Sometimes we send text messages on our mobile phones.

Recently I was invited to Munich in September to meet a group of online friends during Oktoberfest.I asked him if he would like to go with me. I have no idea what made me ask him, it seemed like a good idea at the time. He can't go, he already has plans for that weekend...I told him no worries it was just an idea.

'A good idea '

Last week I was trying to track my son's flight as he set off on his latest adventure. The flight wasn't showing up so I checked his face book page for any news. There wasn't any so I tried the facebook page of his travel companion. From there I followed links that led me to him. I had never tried to find him before even though I had known there were links between us. It only took me a few minutes to find him. Not on facebook but an image on google. I had not seen the image before but it was definitely him. I gazed at that photo several times over the next few days remembering his kisses, how it had felt to be held in his arms. The feel of his hands clutching my hair.

I even began letting myself imagine how it would be if we were more than just friends with benefits. But then I came to my senses. I know he only talks to me when he is feeling horny, even if 95% of our conversations are non sexual.

I know he likes talking to me about any number of things but I also know that he doesn't respect me. He finds me sexy, but he doesn't find me worthy of his love only his lust. This in itself means that he is not worthy of my love.

In recent days I have been mulling over whether I should just stop having any contact with him. I rarely initiate contact, maybe I should tell him to stop contacting me. First I have to decide whether I want to keep him as a friend but at a distance or cut him out of my life. I have not come to a decision yet. I know he cares about me, has done for the last 5 years almost, but is caring enough reason to continue a friendship based on lust.

It has been several weeks since we last chatted on Live Messenger so I was amazed to see a message from him today, not just amazed but gobsmacked..........

Right now I really need your fingers around my b***s and your mouth around my c**k.

OMG

I can't believe you said that!

It was very unexpected to see these words on my screen whilst I was at work. He said that he had been remembering how it felt. He told me that I am very good at it. Maybe but it was still unexpected. The conversation then moved on to other things but it didn't matter. As flattering as it is to be told that even after such a length of time he still feels the need to tell me how good I made him feel. It just underlines the fact that he sees me as a sex object not as a mature woman that he respects. If he doesn't respect me then there is no future for my friendship with Forest.

Should I tell him how I am feeling, tell him to show me that he does respect me or I am off. Or do I just say nothing and let him fade from my life. (That is what I have been doing with both Plumber and Sailor).

I am a bad girl

I just clicked on here on my way to LIR and realised how long it has been since I last posted on here. I have been such a bad girl.

I shouldn't have neglected this blog for so long ............actually in truth I have thought about it many times but just couldn't summon enough enthusiasm to conjure up a post that was good enough.

For months now work has been hectic leaving me very tired, too tired to keep this blog upto date. I have felt a tinge of guilt but not enough to rouse myself into doing anything about it.

Noticing that my last post was about the party I attended at the swingers club reminds me of all the naughty things I have not told you about.

I was going to make this post about all the naughty things I have got upto but thinking about it that would not be fair, I would either have to make this post intolerably long or not do justice to all my various adventures.

Instead I am going to bullet post them and you can let me know which you most want to read about in which order. I hope that is fair.

1. group social with approx 20 people from the swingers site ......ending up in gay bar
2. private party for 7 in a haunted hotel
3. second party at swingers club ~ meeting crazy guy
4. second party at haunted hotel this time for 12 (inc both plumber and sailor)
   
5. first foursome with plumber (should actually be No. 2 if doing this cronologically)

Let me know which of these you most want to read about and I will do my best to satisfy you.

Party time

There is a place further down the motorway that I had heard from several people was known to host adult parties. A few weeks ago I noticed on a forum that there was going to be a party there a few days before my birthday. I mentioned it to Plumber to see if we could go. He said no. I don't think it was because he didn't want to go, he had told me once before that he would love to go. (He was one of the people who had told me about it.) His excuse was that it was too expensive. Either he was making excuses or he had been misinformed. (£35 per couple is not expensive)

A few weeks ago I met a new man (Sailor) who had been to a couple of these parties and offered to take me. We did go to the party it was a night of firsts for me. My first ever visit to a dungeon (it was one of my favourite rooms) I was well and truly done on one of the spanking benches ......oh and on the other one too. It was the first time I have been fucked with an audience........and yes it did turn me on not that it would have taken much anyway. It was also the first time I have been fucked on a bed with another couple fucking on another bed in the same room with other people watching .....this room not only has no door but there are peep holes in the wall.

But my favourite thing of all (ok maybe not my favourite that might just be the spanking bench) was the jacuzzi. I have never been in one before.....yes I know I lead a sad sheltered life. Not being totally comfortable with stripping off completely in front of others I waited until it was almost empty. Sailor followed me in a few minutes later after he realised where I was. I was really enjoying the relaxing warm bubbles sat on the highest seat with one leg resting across Sailors lap and my other leg across the lap of a young man who just wanted to spend the whole night in there so long as there was a constant supply of beer and cigarettes. He quite happily stroked my leg but otherwise kept his hands to himself.

Sailor however was having an attack of wondering handitis.....he suffers from this very frequently (in public as well as in private). It wasn't much of a suprise to me to find that his fingers were playing with my pussy among the jets of warm water. That didn't last too long though as he soon left the jacuzzi. The guy who had been sat next to him soon scooted into his place and began to caress my leg. I could feel his fingers inching along my inner thigh until they reached my lips. I didn't say anything just moved slightly in my seat so that his fingers were right on target. He smiled and began idly fingering my pulsing pussy. What could I do? it wouldn't be polite to ignore him so I reached down into his lap and began stroking his erection. He looked like he was enjoying that, I was soon into a good rhythm wanking him below the surface, now and again giving his balls a fondle too. Unfortunately I needed the loo and had to dash through the house dressed only in a short towel. When I returned he had gone. But I still had the young lad for company. We were both enjoying being in there with occasional visits from others.

It was almost 3am when I found Sailor trying to stay awake on one of the many leather sofas. So I dressed and we went home. I am hoping to go again to another party.

In the morning Plumber was online............he said to me that he thought I might have been out the night before. Thinking that he must have noticed I wasn't online I casually asked

what makes you say that?

It turns out that he had been out to several pubs with his mate, finishing up at a pub I went to a few weeks ago with my friend Jane, we had also been to one of his band's gigs there. He thought we might have been there. Which reminds me that Jane sent me some jokes whilst I was at the party..........I have not replied yet, I must do that.

Toy shopping

We had been planning this all week. Checking out the website deciding where to go, the one in The Other City stays open an hour longer than the one in The City, plus he was sure he wouldn't see anyone who recognised him. (Not to worry that it is only a stone throw from my son's Uni Halls).

As we drove slowly along the street (this street has a reputation for its profession) I saw a doorway discreetly proclaiming the name of the place we were looking for. Parking the car we made sure we remove everything from sight..........there were signs proclaiming
'Remove your belongings or someone else will'.

The area is a bit of an ethnic melting pot resulting in a variety of shops we don't see in my town. We found the doorway and quickly stepped inside. We were the only customers as many visitors had stayed away due to the football match at the nearby stadium that shares its name with the street we were in. (there was a very large police presence in the area).

Inside the store was brightly lit, the man behind the counter was friendly enough but left us to browse in our own time. We giggled at some of the things we saw and gasped at the sight of others. There were things there that I pretended not to be interested in and others that I am just not ready to take an active interest in. There were racks of magazines and a whole seperate room dedicated to DVD's but we didn't give these more than a glance. There were items there that I might be interested in but not yet. There were yet more items that might be of interest but are just not suitable for me.

After about half an hour I made my selection, the man behind the counter suggested a slightly better version of the same item but I decided to stick with my original choice. I liked the colour and texture better plus the size is more appropriate for me. We made our get away into the afternoon sun just in time to miss the football fans spilling out at the end of the match.

On our way out of The Other City we stopped to explore a new store that I hadn't been to before, I was amazed as it is on a site where SF worked for a few years, I had no idea that the place had been revamped. We had fun trying out the sofas and chairs. (some of them I needed help to get out of as my feet didn't reach the floor). Then there was the chair that made me shriek in suprise when I was about to try standing up when it shot out and back with no warning.

A quick visit to Tesco to pick up a bottle of my favourite spiced rum and pepsi max, then back to his place with fish and chips. Whilst he was sorting out the food I was unpacking my new toy trying (without my reading glasses) to see which way the six tiny batteries go in. It took the pair of us several minutes to get it sorted. Then it was time to try the seven yes 7 different settings.

We were both suprised how noisy it was. I had assumed it would be virtually silent but it was quite loud. I was also suprised that there is only one button for the 7 settings so you have to go through the cycle. You can't just select the setting you want which I think would have been more fun but then I guess the controller would be much bigger.

Finally we had our first proper play whilst laying on the bed. I wasn't sure if I would be able to get full use of my new toy but I needn't have worried it fitted quite well. He had plenty of fun playing with the controls especially while I was making a meal of his cock, concentrating on what I was doing forgetting it was stil there untill the vibrations suddenly began to pulse inside me. we played with my other new toys too but this one that he had bought me is going to be a favourite.

We were both a little disappointed with the shop, it was quite an anti climax after we had been looking forward to it all week. There wasn't as great a variety as we had hoped and we thought a lot of it looked cheap and plastic. But we enjoyed our afternoon/night together anyway.

Giving in to temptation

For months he tempted and cajoled me. For months I procrastinated. Finally I made up my mind. I am going to be a good girl, not playing around, no giving in to temptation. I told him that I would never see him again. After all apart from that one drink so long ago, he was just a name on my screen or on my phone. There is no emotional tie, no physical person to give up, just words.

He accepted my decision but asked to meet for dinner (nothing else) just to say goodbye. He told me not to be dressed like the sexy woman he knows me to be. He didn’t want me to tempt him.

I knew as I was driving to the hotel that we would not keep our hands off each other but still we kept up the pretense. He ordered our drinks and we found a quiet table in the corner to sit and chat. Once we had finished our drinks he invited me back to his room for tea. As we walked side by side across the carpark, through reception and up the stairs, still chatting about unimportant things, I knew. I was ready for him, I had been anticipating this moment for so long, I could feel the scrap of material between my thighs getting damper by the minute.

Once we were through the door of his room he led me by the hand to the sofa. Sitting together thighs touching, he kissed me for the first time. I was willing his kisses to be good but not as good as Romeo's. His hand holding my head to him as his kisses became more urgent. Shifting my weight so that I could throw my leg across his lap. The invitation he couldn’t ignore, my throbbing pussy screaming at him to accept the invite. Slowly he slides his hand up my leg enjoying the feel of the nylon I had worn especially for him (even though it was a hot summer evening).

Taunting me he deliberately takes his time getting to his goal, he wants to savour this moment, but I can’t take this any more, I need to get to the reason I am here. grabbing his wrist I direct his hand inside my skirt pushing his fingers towards the wet fabric, pressing it against my pussy. His kisses more urgent for just a moment longer before he pulls away to remove my clothes. My discarded top is quickly followed by the unclasping of my bra. Allowing the twin pendulums to be touched, kissed, licked and sucked. He has waned these babies for so long. But he only gives them a couple of minutes attention before he pulls me to my feet, tugging on my skirt until it pools around my feet. He moves to sit on the edge of the bed bringing me with him. He is pleased that I wore tights under my skirt. His fantasy involves tights more than stockings. I had considered not wearing anything under my tights but that would make it look like I had come prepared to have sex with him.

He is sitting naked apart from his black boxers as I stand before him, his fingers playing with each part of my body at his will. I am completely compliant to his will, whatever he wants I will do, he is my master for the time we are together. He is soon ready to pull me down beside him on the bed, he crawls between my legs playing with the damp nylon that covers my modesty. He looks at me with a question in his eye and grins like the cat that got the cream when I nod my agreement. He wastes no time ripping open the crotch of my tights. This is what he has wanted to do to me for a year or more, his fingers find their way through the ripped threads, pushing aside my lace panties he has his fingers inside me at last.

Since that first time he told me he wanted to do this my pussy has ached for him. My resistance has kept us from fulfilling this fantasy for 12 months at least but here he is pressing, pulling, playing with my pussy as though it was an instruent and he the accomplished musician. That first touch of his naked skin on my hot pulsating lips brought the first trickle of juice flowing out of me. For soetime he played me, teasing trickle after trickle from my willing body. As each orgasm had me arching my back in breathless pleasure. One hand gripping the bedding by the handful the other firmly gripping his cock as he lay on his side, feet on the pillows and head by my thighs. He brings me off time and time again, such sweet release after all this wanting and resisting. When I have no more to give him he moves back to my side kissing and caressing me until hunger gets the better of both of us, quickly dressing we go off in search of the restaurant.

We had no plans to see each other again but just to make sure I deleted him from my contacts both online and on my phone. He did try to contact me a few months ago but once I realised who it was I didn't reply. Not that I am not attracted to him but because I was, I felt so guilty at having given in to his temptations when I did.

Bad boy

I have been chatting to Thomas again today. I have been naughty in that I have not been naughty. When we last chatted I promised that I would write him an email detailing my plans for him. During the years we have been chatting and emailing I have played the submissive to his Dominant character. But now things have changed, now he wishes to be submissive to me.

My task is to explain how he will be subjugated. This is a very empowering idea that he will be controlled and invaded. I can make any demands that I please and he will be very willing to satisfy my every command.

This evening I have been doing a little research. You might wonder how I could be researching my domination of my sweet, gentle, lustful subject. Easy.........first I checked out one or two relevant blogs for hints and ideas. Then I changed to sex toys for some ideas of toys and restraints.


I have created a small wish list which if you are interested you can view here. Although there are also many gorgeous vibrators on the lelo site too, I wonder if you can work out which one I have my eye on.

My bad boy deserves only the very best, I wouldn't want to fail him in his subjugation, after all he is putting himself in my hands, even if this is at the moment only our mutual fantasy.

Be prepared

I gather you enjoy anal is that true?

Yes

This was how the evening began as Martin leaned in for his first kiss since he had arrived 2 minutes earlier. Dinner was in the slow cooker, the wine was in the fridge cooling and we were just beginning to heat up. As we stood side by side arranging the beautiful flowers he had just given me, I could feel Martin’s breath on my neck and his hands on my hips. Turning slowly in his arms I returned his kiss as his hands deftly untied my comfy old toweling robe. The luxurious red now faded with age, watching his face as he slid the warm robe off my shoulders to reveal the black and gold basque with matching thong and seamed stockings. Martin’s eyes lighting up.

mmmmm baby I see you are ready for some fun tonight.

I’m not sure how we got there in the heat of our passionate kisses and mutual fondling, but we made our way to my bed with its fresh ivory satin sheets. Collapsing in a heap as our hungry hands and mouths tore at each other until I was stopped by the sudden sting as Martin’s hand made contact with my almost bare bum as he landed the first slap. That was it the challenge had been made. We fought like a pair of cats wrestling and sliding on the slippery surface as we grappled with any body parts we could get hold of. Pulling on his tie I held his face to mine as I kissed him so very deeply while my free hand fumbled with his belt. But his superior strength soon had the better of me and I was on my back panting and helpless under his weight.

Tell me

Tell me what you want bitch

what did you call me?

Bitch, you are my bitch and you know it or do you prefer me to call you my dirty slut.

Biting my ear my neck he continues to hiss

You are my bitch on heat and you want me to fuck you, tell me how I am going to fuck you.

Holding both my wrists above my head in one of his large hands, his right hand between my thighs, tugging my thong to one side as he plunges two fingers into my wet aching cunt.

Just fuck me you bastard, that's why you’re here isn’t it?

You want me to fuck you then you can beg for it bitch

But he knows I am too stubborn, he knows I won’t beg. Instead I clamp my mouth and my legs shut. No amount of persuasion is going to make me beg not whilst I am feeling this wild passion. Begging is reserved for our other game when I am submissive to him. But tonight is not one of those nights. I knew that when I got his text earlier.

Be prepared to be arse fucked

So I knew it was only going to be a matter of time. Martin was not like other guys who had wanted to force their cock into my tense bumhole as I knelt on my hands and knees. The searing pain as though I was on fire, unbearable, unwelcome. Why did they all feel the need to try this, as far as I knew none of the women I knew ever managed to have anal. All those porn stars that did it in the films and photos in men's magazines they were not natural. It wasn’t right. But my Martin he was different, he showed me another way.

He flips me over onto my belly as though I’m as light as a feather. Breathing into the pillow to relax I feel Martin shift his weight as he reaches for the bottle of tingle lube. The sudden coldness as he spreads its cool wetness around my bumhole. Breathing deeply legs still closed but relaxed as I lay flat on my belly Martin eases himself into my bum as his fingers search under me for my wet clit. The electric shot shots through me as my clit pulses. The exquisite pain in my arse becomes pleasure as slowly Martin eases his length in and out of me. Ah now this is the pleasure I have been dreaming about all day as I waited for my husband to return from the office. Pushing my pelvis as deep into the mattress as I can forcing his fingers into my cunt as he pumps my arse what better anniversary present could a girl wish for. I can just see the expression of lust mixed with satisfaction on my husbands face as I squint up at the mirror behind the headboard. The look of agony and pleasure as I cum over his balls as he releases his sperm into my aching arse.

Collapsing together in contentment I am glad dinner won’t be ready for a while yet.

a valentines day to remember

As valentines day dawned I knew there would be no cards, flowers or chocolates for me. I didn't care. I am happy as I am, I have my health, my family (suprise visis from both older boys) work is good and I have my friends. I no longer crave the intimacy of a relationship......that doesn't mean that one wouldn't be welcome.

I had planned a day of action but waking on this chilly grey day I was not inclined to leave my cosy bed in a hurry. I went to get a cup of tea and ended up cooking myself beans on wholemeal toast with cheese and fried egg. Taking a tray with my breakfast and mug of tea I made my way back to bed. I don't remember my last cooked breakfast let alone eating it in bed. Settling down with my laptop I was quite content. Time flew by, but not to worry there was nothing that I had to do.

During the week I had received a new email from Thomas aka my knight, I was just thinking that I really ought to get my mind around my reply. It had to be good, it had to be imaginative, it had to be worthy of him. He writes such hot and dirty emails. To my suprise Thomas came online, this is a very rare occurrence these days since I began working full time. After an initial chat he had to go for his dinner but it wasn't long before his return.

This time we chatted for 2 hours, with the usual amount of mutual admiration, some memories of past events revisited and some new memories created (in our minds at least). Our chat was becoming so steamy that it had me reaching for my vibrator. This in turn created even greater arousal for both of us.

Who needs flowers, chocolates or cards when I can have a 2 hour session in the comfort of my bed with someone as gentle and yet as hot and filthy as the object of my lust, Thomas. There is only one thing that could have topped this, to have been doing everything we talked about for real.

later he sent me an email basically thanking me for a wonderful afternoon of intimacy.

It was glorious to have you so close and torture to be so far from your touch your scent your wetness and your rude beautiful mind.

I lust you so much and want to make you cum over and over and drench me in you gushing climaxes........................

I want to feel your soft luxurious mouth upon my cock and watch you enjoy filling it with my spunk. Kiss me my darling and let me savour the taste of my lust for you.

Then go to sleep in each others arms and wake to find one another intimately again...................

Bless you and thank you.

This was my valentines day and I don't regret one moment of it.