Lust or respect

I have been thinking about him quite a bit recently and I am not sure this can go on. He hurt me in the past when he wanted me as his sex toy but I wanted him to want me for me. I vowed then that I would never see him again. But gradually he won me around. He began inviting me round to his place for a cup of tea but the tea was never finished. The kissing always began as soon as I got through the door.

The kissing always led to more .....led to his bed even.

When we first met (face to face that is) after chatting as friends for 6 months he knew all about my experimenting. He knew about all the guys I had met. But he also knew that I had decided to give up experimenting, that I wanted a steady relationship. I had resisted meeting him for months but when we did meet wow I was besotted. He asked me why I had changed my mind. I thought he meant why had I changed my mind about meeting him. I had always known we would meet eventually so I hadn't changed my mind at all.

I later realised he had been asking me why I had changed my mind about being friends with benefits. (I hadn't but he thought I had). After several fraught but passionate months (passionate on my part) we parted company. I had told him several times that I didn't want to be his sex toy. But that is exactly what I was, what I was again when we began meeting up the second time around. Although this second time I was able to keep my heart protected, I distanced my heart from the physical relationship we were having.

Then he moved, sold his house, rendering him unable to keep up our rendevouz. It has been 18 months now since we were last together. We still chat, usually on Windows Live Messenger, I log in to look at my emails at lunchtime. He starts to chat, sometimes daily other times a week or more goes by. Sometimes we send text messages on our mobile phones.

Recently I was invited to Munich in September to meet a group of online friends during Oktoberfest.I asked him if he would like to go with me. I have no idea what made me ask him, it seemed like a good idea at the time. He can't go, he already has plans for that weekend...I told him no worries it was just an idea.

'A good idea '

Last week I was trying to track my son's flight as he set off on his latest adventure. The flight wasn't showing up so I checked his face book page for any news. There wasn't any so I tried the facebook page of his travel companion. From there I followed links that led me to him. I had never tried to find him before even though I had known there were links between us. It only took me a few minutes to find him. Not on facebook but an image on google. I had not seen the image before but it was definitely him. I gazed at that photo several times over the next few days remembering his kisses, how it had felt to be held in his arms. The feel of his hands clutching my hair.

I even began letting myself imagine how it would be if we were more than just friends with benefits. But then I came to my senses. I know he only talks to me when he is feeling horny, even if 95% of our conversations are non sexual.

I know he likes talking to me about any number of things but I also know that he doesn't respect me. He finds me sexy, but he doesn't find me worthy of his love only his lust. This in itself means that he is not worthy of my love.

In recent days I have been mulling over whether I should just stop having any contact with him. I rarely initiate contact, maybe I should tell him to stop contacting me. First I have to decide whether I want to keep him as a friend but at a distance or cut him out of my life. I have not come to a decision yet. I know he cares about me, has done for the last 5 years almost, but is caring enough reason to continue a friendship based on lust.

It has been several weeks since we last chatted on Live Messenger so I was amazed to see a message from him today, not just amazed but gobsmacked..........

Right now I really need your fingers around my b***s and your mouth around my c**k.

OMG

I can't believe you said that!

It was very unexpected to see these words on my screen whilst I was at work. He said that he had been remembering how it felt. He told me that I am very good at it. Maybe but it was still unexpected. The conversation then moved on to other things but it didn't matter. As flattering as it is to be told that even after such a length of time he still feels the need to tell me how good I made him feel. It just underlines the fact that he sees me as a sex object not as a mature woman that he respects. If he doesn't respect me then there is no future for my friendship with Forest.

Should I tell him how I am feeling, tell him to show me that he does respect me or I am off. Or do I just say nothing and let him fade from my life. (That is what I have been doing with both Plumber and Sailor).

Toy shopping

We had been planning this all week. Checking out the website deciding where to go, the one in The Other City stays open an hour longer than the one in The City, plus he was sure he wouldn't see anyone who recognised him. (Not to worry that it is only a stone throw from my son's Uni Halls).

As we drove slowly along the street (this street has a reputation for its profession) I saw a doorway discreetly proclaiming the name of the place we were looking for. Parking the car we made sure we remove everything from sight..........there were signs proclaiming
'Remove your belongings or someone else will'.

The area is a bit of an ethnic melting pot resulting in a variety of shops we don't see in my town. We found the doorway and quickly stepped inside. We were the only customers as many visitors had stayed away due to the football match at the nearby stadium that shares its name with the street we were in. (there was a very large police presence in the area).

Inside the store was brightly lit, the man behind the counter was friendly enough but left us to browse in our own time. We giggled at some of the things we saw and gasped at the sight of others. There were things there that I pretended not to be interested in and others that I am just not ready to take an active interest in. There were racks of magazines and a whole seperate room dedicated to DVD's but we didn't give these more than a glance. There were items there that I might be interested in but not yet. There were yet more items that might be of interest but are just not suitable for me.

After about half an hour I made my selection, the man behind the counter suggested a slightly better version of the same item but I decided to stick with my original choice. I liked the colour and texture better plus the size is more appropriate for me. We made our get away into the afternoon sun just in time to miss the football fans spilling out at the end of the match.

On our way out of The Other City we stopped to explore a new store that I hadn't been to before, I was amazed as it is on a site where SF worked for a few years, I had no idea that the place had been revamped. We had fun trying out the sofas and chairs. (some of them I needed help to get out of as my feet didn't reach the floor). Then there was the chair that made me shriek in suprise when I was about to try standing up when it shot out and back with no warning.

A quick visit to Tesco to pick up a bottle of my favourite spiced rum and pepsi max, then back to his place with fish and chips. Whilst he was sorting out the food I was unpacking my new toy trying (without my reading glasses) to see which way the six tiny batteries go in. It took the pair of us several minutes to get it sorted. Then it was time to try the seven yes 7 different settings.

We were both suprised how noisy it was. I had assumed it would be virtually silent but it was quite loud. I was also suprised that there is only one button for the 7 settings so you have to go through the cycle. You can't just select the setting you want which I think would have been more fun but then I guess the controller would be much bigger.

Finally we had our first proper play whilst laying on the bed. I wasn't sure if I would be able to get full use of my new toy but I needn't have worried it fitted quite well. He had plenty of fun playing with the controls especially while I was making a meal of his cock, concentrating on what I was doing forgetting it was stil there untill the vibrations suddenly began to pulse inside me. we played with my other new toys too but this one that he had bought me is going to be a favourite.

We were both a little disappointed with the shop, it was quite an anti climax after we had been looking forward to it all week. There wasn't as great a variety as we had hoped and we thought a lot of it looked cheap and plastic. But we enjoyed our afternoon/night together anyway.

stuck

I feel as though I am stuck in limbo

I seem to have an apathy towards sex yet I want to have sex and I want to write about it.

I want to write about my adventues yet I want to keep them private for me and my partner.

I want to write more fantasies but I just can't decide on any scenarios to write.

I feel stuck and I just don't seem to be able to move forward.

I want to experiment, most particularly with blind folds, light bondage and spanking. But where do I turn. I have cut my ties with the most Dominant of my prospective lovers. My more favoured choice for these experiments has decided to behave himself. there is of course my knight who shows definite wishes to explore this side of his nature and mine. However he suddenly went on vacation just as I became ill. He is as yet unaware that I have been unwell. I have not head from him since he went away. Maybe he needs a nudge from me. As much as I adore my knight my current apathy is such that I am not even sure if I can be bothered to make the effort even for him. Maybe it is the recent lack of sex that is making me feel like this and I just need to start having sex again to make me want more.

Don't get me wrong my life has not been completely sexless in recent weeks. Indeed I have played a few times with different men however the last time I had an actual fuck was back omg I just checked 29th april. I hadn't realised it had been that long ago. But I have been ill and I have made the decision to cut back on my lovers so it is my fault. Yes Santa I do know that I can go see you any time I want.

I have not even played with myself much which just goes to show how deep my apathy has become. Maybe all this is down to the fact that I don't want to play around so much any more. I feel that I have got that out of my system and want something more personal and regular now.

However for those lonely times when I am feeling horny but have no one to play with I have finally placed an order with Lovehoney for a couple of sex toys and some new lube, the first I have ever bought for myself.

update
since posting this I have been chatting on msn with a guy I hadn't chatted to for weeks. I have changed into something more comfortable which has made it easier to play while chatting. not only has he helped me to cum but he's given me inspiration for my next story.