fending off men

For weeks Lotto was doing everything he could to persuade me to meet him in his hotel for a drink but hopefully also a night of passion. He chatted on IM several times a week, he text me regularly. He began asking me what I was wearing at work. He started sending me pictures and even a video, but when I told him that words do more for me than pictures and videos he wrote me a two part fantasy. Lotto has known all the time that my loyalty is with Romeo, he said he understood, but still he wanted me.

Last weekend we were chatting on IM then when I went to bed he phoned me, which was very mmmmmm. I has been ages since we last spoke on the phone. During the past week I have seen him sign into messenger but he hasn't even said hello.

Whilst I was out on Friday night I checked my phone and found that I had two new messages, my excitement that they were from Romeo was short lived when I discovered that both were from Steel. I am not sure if I ever mentioned him before. I can't remember exactly when but around about November last year I was feeling a bit blue probably following the episode with Skipper. I joined one of those text sites, one of the first guys to send me a message was Steel. We exchanged a number of text, I told him I wasn't looking for NSA he said he wasnt either. Over the next few weeks we were texting each other a few times each day, but I noticed if I didn't reply to his text fairly quickly he got impatient. Then as xmas was getting closer he made his suggestion that I should go up north to spend a weekend with him in a hotel then if we got on ok he would spend xmas with me and the boys.

Flaming cheek, I soon put him right, I had no intention of spending a weekend with him or having him stay for xmas. I made it clear that in my book we would have to see how we got on before deciding to go to a hotel. He agreed wholeheartedly but still continued in the same vein. By xmas I was ignoring most of his text messages which is something I find very hard to do. It goes against the grain for me to be so rude as to not reply. At the start of the year I was still getting messages every few weeks........Hi LiR remember me Steel I still think about you. I never once replied. By about the time I found Romeo the messages seemed to have stopped. That was until Friday night.................Hi LiR its steel do u remember me how are u xxxxx
needless to say I have not responded in any way shape or form.

Last night as I was chatting online with LV I got a message from Oxo, we had chatted briefly a week or so ago so I was surprised to hear from him again so soon. Espescially as the first thing he said was

codeword!!!

desperate?

we chatted for a while with him making suggestions that I should go over to his.

I miss those subtle lips of yours and theres room in my bed for two plus the dogs and four pups (his dog had puppies recently)

wanna come ova?

thanx for asking

so hows you?

fine ......out on the piss las night with work

get lucky?

lmao I wasn't looking

love life ok?

fending them all off except one

glad to hear it

you?

not so lucky

awww


oxo is offline

He always does that, asks how my love life is then signs out when I don't tell him I don't have one............well I'm not likely to tell him that am I. I can just imagine what it would be like if he knew the truth.

I have not heard from Romeo since 10.3pm last night :-(

Triangles of what?

I have been trying to work out in my own mind what I am doing. This monring I read this post by my friend Z. She has explained so well what it was like when I was seeing my various lovers, many of them married or with girl friends.
Each lover was different, each gave me different things none was either more special or less so than the others. I didn't ask about their wife/partner but if they wanted to tell me I listened. What we had was in the moment. I gave them my full attention and they gave me theirs whilst we were together. they all knew there were others and sometimes they liked to hear about them, they found it a turn on to hear about my other encounters. Some liked to give me advice about how to handle various situations with one or other of my men.

Now I don't see any of them (my choice) although I have not told one of them that we are over. The situation where we are both available has not arisen so it isn't an issue, I have only made sporadic contact with him, we both have busy lives and I am sure he has found others to fill the spaces I have left, even though I have no doubts that he would make space for me again. We both know we were good together.

I have moved on from that time when I craved sexual atention more than a one to one relationship. I am going through a self induced drought. I gave up my encounters with Oxo last autumn (he has now finally given up asking me to visit him). So apart from one weekend with Harvey last November and ne afternoon when I was juped by Coach back in January I have been celibate since early September.

Since last November/December Lotto has been trying to persuade me that he really really wants me. From when we first got in contact early last year, meeting for a drink in March of that year until December 2007 I was under the impression that he was single. He had always maintained that he fancied me and wanted to do naughty things with me, but he didn't want a relationship. As I was at that time coming around to wanting a relationship I kept him on the back burner simm ering away but never coming to the boil as it were. During the last 6 months though he has been turning up the heat. we both know now that he has a g/f who apparently isn't interested in sex. I don't quite know where she fits in the picture as I know he lives alone, he doesn't seem to be with her in the evenings or weekends apart from a few weeks ago when he was texting me while she was upstairs. I have a man in my heart who I don't want to betray.

My current dilema is having two men who both turn me on, one is available but doesn't want a relationship the other does want a relationship but is never in the country. So all the time that Lotto is on the scene there is always the promise of the opportunity to end this drought with a very sexy man who keeps telling me how much he wants me. But however much he wants me I know he would just be using me to get the sexual gratification he doesn't get in his relationship.
If I was to give in to his pleas to satisfy my own sexual appetite I would be using him because even when he is turning me on with his pleas, he is not the one I trully want to be with.

Romeo on the other hand does want me as the complete woman which of course includes the sexual being that he adores. He wants the long term relationship, but isn't here, he knows there are other men in my life but he trusts me completely just as I trust him.

If I give in to the lust that Lotto brings out in me .........'god I feel so fucking horny I want to fuck you now baby' ...... just one of the text I sent him last night during our 3 hour lust up. I would be using him which I don't want to do. I would be betraying Romeo which I really don't want to do. Lotto says that isnt so as I have not yet met Romeo. Maybe we have not met but I still feel committed to him.

I could easily meet up with Lotto for a night of passion (he has just begun to chat on IM and has instantly got me aroused) and Romeo need never know, easy. But I would know. I have been thinking about this business of using. I really should stop chatting to Lotto if I don't want to have sex with him, all the time I am chatting but not going through with meeting him I am leading him on. But I can't give him up, he gives me the constant reminder that someone who has met me still finds me desirable. I don't like the idea that I am using him, but would that be so bad, he is after all just using me to get the sexual gratification he isn't getting from anywhere else. But he could get it elsewhere, he has offers from other women but it is me he wants. I tell myself to give him up, he isn't Romeo the man I really want. He doesn't really want me just sex with me. I should give him up I deserve better than one night of sex with a man who doesn't really want me. A man who gets me aroused but isn't the man I want. These two men have me all of a dither yet I have never had sex with either of them. It was so much easier when I was a lover of several, not the one and only for any.

Update

Because I have told Lotto that words excite me more than pictures he is busy right now writing me a story......apparently he is already getting himself aroused as he is writing it.

text messages

This evening I was bored and fell asleep on the sofa, I woke up around 9pm to find both my mobiles bleeping at me. On one was a text from Neptune, he must have been missing me as I had purposefully not made any contact since thursday. I don't see why it should always be me who makes contact first. He seems to expect me to do all the work here and I am not going to do it any more. I like him and I think he likes me but if he can't make the effort then I don't see this going anywhere especially as he lives so far away.

On my other phone was the start of an email from swinger so I looked at my mail via my phone to see what he said. It was his explanation for why he had gone quiet on me last year. We have since exchanged a couple of long text messages. We are going to be friends. I know I can do that, it isn't a problem. If I can be friends with forest after the way he hurt me then I can certainly be friends with swinger too. I did miss swinger when he vanished but he didn't and hasn't hurt me. To be honest I am relieved that he isn't coming back into my life as anything other than a friend.

Today I went back to one of the original dating sites that I had joined a long time ago and have been exchanging messages with a couple of new guys on one site. One of them lives in the same town as Oxo the other lives on a boat about 10 miles away from me. This man is also keen on writing and went to creative writing classes last year. He wants to write adult fantasies. we have been chatting on IM tonight so it will be interesting to see if anything develops there. As yet I have not decided on a nickname for him.

Oxo has been chatting again this evening, even though he hinted he has given up asking me to go over to see him. But I bet if I suggested it he would not hesitate to say yes. lol he is very funny and sweet, I just wish I felt more for him.

update

Apart from the few text on saturday I have not heard from Sammy, he had said he would try to be online on sunday evening. He had said that eveything will be back to normal after tuesday so maybe he will be online tonight but I have my writing class tonight. I have now given up on the idea of him being my final fling. I just can't see it happening. It could only be at a weekend, there are not many of these left before xmas and I can't see it happening at all if we have not met before then.

I spoke to Forest very briefly yesterday, he has been manically busy. I couldn't chat for long as I was just about to take #4 son to the Dr's (he had been sent home from school with stomach cramps and nausea....the pain being in the region of his appendix).

I didn't hear from Neptune yesterday although he was back at work. He had told me on monday that he had been looking at new pc's to replace his one that has given up.

I went onto AFF last night just to check something out. I found that I have 11 new messages even though I have not been online for so long. One of these messages (the only one I looked at) was from Mr Passionate. Hes hoping we can get to see each other soon. I left him a reply but still didn't tell him that I won't be seeing him again. However I woke up about 1.10am and decided to text him that I miss him. (he doesn't finish work until around 2.30/3am). so that was the start of a text conversation catching up. Not easy when half asleep and only one eye open. crumbs I just looked there were 9 text from him so I must have replied 9 times. I have now told him that I have been asked to stay on at work until march which means I have to save 4 out of my 5 1/2 days leave for the christmas shut down. Therefore making it very difficult to see him. The only reason I was able to see him last time was because I was already staying in a local hotel for the night and he called in on his way home from work but had to leave in time to get home before his wife woke up. (by the way he thinks it would be a waste if I give up sex....he also says that when/if I ever get around to letting Neptune know about my sexual side........' he's in for a treat then, as you have an extremely sexual side ;-)x ' )

Swinger? hmmmm I got more non personal emails from him last night. I am still waiting for him to be ready to answer questions but I have waited a year so I can wait still. It would be just typical if he decides to chat tonight when I am at my class.

I think Oxo has finally got the idea that he can ask as many times as he likes I still won't go to his place any more. I saw him come online but he didn't chat, thats a first!!

spanner in the works

last week I was saying that men are strange

I have now not heard from Sammy since 21/10/07

since telling Oxo that I would not be seeing him any more as I am not going to be indulging in casual sex anymore. What we had was good but it wasn't what I now want. the odd thing is that when I was seeing him he only ever chatted online as a prelude to asking me over which was probably about once every couple of weeks. But since I told him I wasn't going to be going over he has been chatting nearly every night and still asking me to go over there.

today I was asked by another blogger to define casual. To me casual sex means any sex that is not within a steady relationship. It could be a one night stand or it could be a series of nights like I had with Oxo who isn't a partner I am having a relationship with.

You can tease me and test me as much as you like but I won't be having sex unless it is within a relationship.

hmmm now I feel strongly about this. My playing the field was only ever meant to be a temporary situation whilst I was not ready for a LTR. Now I am ready and if that means being celibate until I find the right person well at least I have my new friend.

But last night a spanner was thrown into the works with the reappearance in my life of someone who could make a big difference to everything. watch this space.............

men are strange

what is it with men?

Sammy has gone into hiding........not heard from him since last weekend at which point he was wishing I was at his place only he had his teenage daughter staying for a few days. I text him in the early hours last night

what happened to the offer of a pillow.......at this rate my electric toothbrush will be worn out before I get any action.

hes not been online or text all week
he normally tells me if hes going to be away.


Neptune has gone missing too
We have been exchanging messages at least once or twice a day on the dating site for the past couple of weeks. On thursay I didn't reply to his message. friday morning he found me on msn before work. told me all about the program on spiders that he had see the night before because he knows I have currently got a thing about spiders. But I have heard nothing from him since. I sent a very brief message on saturday evening. But I can tell from the site that he has not yet read it. He has not even logged onto the site since saturday lunchtime. He is usually on there every few hours. seems very odd to me.

Oxo has not gone missing. He is chatting to me now. First time since I told him I wouldn't see him any more. Hes been quite friendly but did try telling me things wont work with new man. Now hes trying to persuade me to go see him NOW!!

don't worry, new man will never find out

funny thing is that Oxo has lived most of his life in the same town that Neptune lives in now. OMG how awful would that be if by some strange coincidence they knew each other. Oxo has only been where he is now for 4 years.

Not heard from Forest for over a week now either but nothing odd about that.


Update

mystery solved Neptune having computer problems at home, sent message from work today.

Forest has been chatting most of this evening.

this evening

well thats another evening gone
I have chatted on msn to forest, we chatted about mundane, we chatted about sex, we chatted about what I want and how to get it. we talked about Oxo (forest called him a git ......I nearly told him that hes no better.........I did say ........most men are). Oxo wanted me to drop everything and go to him.........hes feeling horny.........he has a day off work tomorrow..............he offered me bacon and eggs for breakfast..........it didn't matter to him that I was in the middle of writing about cancer and didn't want to stop half way through. I told him no so he logged off without even saying goodnight. He does that!! I even expect it now.
I chatted to another man who I made friends with through the dating site. Hes feeling sorry for himself (just for a change). funny he logged off when he was complaining and I said .......no but we survive to live another day. Perhaps I hit a nerve.
There have been a few emails exchanged with Neptune............its odd we seem to have gone back to emails through the dating site.......I wonder why he isn't chatting on msn anymore.
Oh and SF called to give the boys some more cakes and buns etc (end of date food) and gave me a whopping £100 maintenace for the boys for the next month. I shall try to make it last!!

this morning I read the latest post on evening's blog, she had to go to hospital today (she is a breast cancer survivor). I couldn't stop thinking about her post all day so now I have written a post about it. Over recent months I have come to know several women bloggers who have had breast cancer, I can't identify with them over the surgery but the impact of cancer is something I do know about.

oh and I found a blogger who was hiding........I wasn't looking, I figured that if he really wanted me to read his blog he would tell me where to go to find it. If he didn't want to tell me then I wouldn't bother searching. But I stumbled across it while reading other blogs.

Now it is past midnight and I realise that yet again I forgot to have dinner.

really weird

I have two days off work now

I had planned to see Mr Passionate in the middle of the day for one last time.

I had agreed to see Oxo in the evening so he can take a look at my pc (we have no sound) then he was planning to fight his way into my cervix. He has a variety of plans to try to make my cervix big enough to take more of him in. (I'm not so sure this is a such a good idea). we have great sex anyway but he still feels aggreived that he can't get much of his length inside my cervix.

Mr Passionate has text to say he can't make it as he has to look after his wife who was in a car accident a couple of days ago. Damn that means I either have to make other arrangements to see him or else tell him by email or text that I am giving him up. He already knows I am giving up having FwBs. I think he believes that I will find it very hard to give him up, which it is.

So I figure I shall go to the gym instead.

tonight after my writing class I found a text from Oxo calling off thursday night, he has to go to work on friday after all (so our plans of a lazy friday morning in bed are scuppered). Which is ok as my mum called earlier asking me to go with her to look at another home for my grandad (hes declining rapidly and can't stay where he is much longer).

Oh and incidentaly I forgot to say the original reason for taking these days off were that last winter I won a make over for myself and a friend at a studio in covent garden. I decided to take my mum as she needed something to look forward to. we have posponed this so many times they must think we will never get there. This should be this friday and suprise suprise I ahve to cancel again!

I was reading the comments earlier on my blog about forest being dangerous for me as I am not able to fuck like a man (without emotion involved). I was going to reply that it is hardly an issue as I have not seen hide nor hair of him since last tuesday. So naturally as soon as I log onto msn after my writing class he is the first person I see online. Soon we are chatting. I mention that I have 2 days off work. I decide to see what he will say. he asks me what I am doing. I tell him that my plans to see Mr Passionate have fallen through. He sympathises nothing more. Am I pleased or disappointed, possibly both but mostly pleased as I didn't want to be put in the position of having to decide whether to let him see me again or not.

whilst we are chatting #3 son phones asking for a lift home from the city. He ahd gone with a friend to see #1son's band playing at a venue in the city. It was arranged that #3 son would get a lift home with his friend's dad. when the time came to leave #3 son wanted to stay for one more song so his friend left without him. He made his way to the station to find there were no more trains tonight. Apparently there is a reason why he couldn't get a lift home with his big brother!!! any way I go get some more petrol and set off. Finally I find my son and we are travelling through the city when I cant believe my ears. Each night a romantic dinner for two is awarded to someone who has written in to the show. when I heard the name of tonight's winner there was no way it could be anyone else, the surname is so unusual and it was the right city (not the one I was driving through). tonight's winner was Jasper (GB)'s wife, they then played her favourite song which I even found myself singing along to how weird did that feel.

Last night when Sammy was going to bed he said he would chat again in a few days, so I had no expectation of chatting to him tonight. However I was suprised to receive a couple of very hot text from him (he doesn't often text). I am hoping to spend a day/night in Essex with him in the near future (my final fling).

busy little bee

I came online to write up my homework for tomorrow

I still have not done that

I finally made a decision about the book that I shall be trying to write

I now know what it will be about, where it starts, how far back it will go, the format and where it will be going and most important who the main character is

I have chatted online, by email, by phone and by text

Sammy has returned from a trip to Spain so it was nice to talk to him

Oxo is going to have a look at my pc on thursday to see if he can rectify the missing sound (he has some other plans too)

Having chatted to Sammy and Oxo I was somewhat suprised to find myself chatting to Fireman Sam as he winds down after a busy shift

I have told him that I am giving up the FWB lifestyle

He wants me one more time first before I do

I am going to tell Mr Passionate when I see him that this is the last time.

Its odd but I have been feeling semi lonely in the last week but out of all the men in my life the one I have wnated to be with is the one I have not met. I chatted to forest and Neptune but it was Sammy I wanted to chat to most.

suddenly

suddenly I find we are chatting for hours at a time
suddenly he wants to chat to me every day
I do not seek him out
I make it clear I am chatting to others at the same time
I do not flirt
I do not encourage
he does not leave until after
I have said goodbye


suddenly he is not chatting
we were in contact virtually every day
sometimes for hours
I thought he lost interest
but suddenly there he was chatting unexpectedly
a quick chat just before work
again not expected
now no word for about a week

suddenly he says hi
we go for a couple of weeks in silence
then there he is chatting
I know he will request
a visit from me his lover
he was too busy when I needed him
I tell him I am busy editing my story
he tells me to hurry
I tell him tomorrow will be
a long and tiring day
he is gone not even a goodnight

I am woken by his reply
an email saying to see him I want
he will see if he is available
a smile and a twinkle in my eye
on him I can count
we don't need constant contact
can pick up where we left off
he knows me and my desires
he can fuck me so well



update

within minutes of posting this I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. when I returned to my room Neptune had been online trying to say hello until he gave up realising I was not at my computer. so he is still around.

tonight as I was at the end of my writing class I got a text from Oxo wanting to see me tonight. I have not replied I am not well. I have a fever and ache all over. At first I thought I had over done it at the gym but no I had cut my session short as I wasn't feeling too great. I tried to sleep when I got home until it was time to go to my class. It was a real struggle to force myself to leave my bed. I sat in my class feeling really bad, I remembered the sneezing fits and sore throat when I was at work. It was pure torture to sit in that class for 2 hours when I just wanted to curl up in my bed. When I got home I shooed the kids out of my room. (we are currently down to one computer which is the one in my room). Dosed myself up and pulled my duvet up over my head. Now I am very hot even though there has been no heating on since 4.30pm my glands are up on my neck and I feel crap. I have to wait another hour before I can take any more pain killers. I will explain to Oxo tomorrow why I didn't reply, tonight he would have thought I was making excuses.
strange, as I am writing this I saw Neptune sign in but he hasn't stopped to say hi !

Oh well...................... these men they are such strange creatures!!

fuck buddy or not

not much to say today as I have spent most of the day languishing upon my bed feeling pitiful. The day has been all gray and overcast which has contributed to my head feeling like someone was gripping it in a vice whilst someone else aimed a hammer at it continually for hours on end.
finally now I am on the mend.
A couple of hours ago after much contemplation I sent a text to Oxo asking if he is busy tonight (as I am in need of TLC). Unfortunately he is busy. serve me right for all the times I have turned him down.
It took a lot for me to send that text. I am so unsure of where I want things to go with him. I care about him and when we are together it is good and the peace is very good for me. Our bodies are used to way we fit together now, spending time together is very comforting and cosy, we respond well to each others every touch.
But I don't feel he is the one for me. Maybe I should be satisfied with what we have, but I don't want to be a friend w/benefits.months ago he said that he just wants me to be his fuck buddy but that over time that may change so that we become a couple. So even way back then he was thinking like that, I was happy for him to be my occasional fuck buddy as I didn't want more from him. I could continue with the way we are, he would still be happy with that and for a while I probably could be too. But if I want to find a real relationship surely I can't do that if I still have a fwb. So for the last two weeks I have avoided having to decide whether I want to go spend the night with him. On the one hand he would give me what I want right now but on the other hand it could get in the way of what I want for the future.

Too busy

last night I was too busy
I didn't post anything more than comments
I read blogs
I commented on blogs
all the time chatting with my friends
sometimes one
sometimes more
there were discussions of windows
assumptions of overnight visits
talks of elvis
affirmations of sexyness
heart to hearts
congratulations on new jobs
drunken declarations
sulky dogs
clinical descriptions of sex
loving chats of love
tonight I shall begin learning how to write

slow and bossy readers

seeing as my readers are not only slow but bossy I shall try to write a quick but satisfactory explanation.

After my marriage ended I got involved with a man who messed me around (N). Last summer he really hurt me and I wanted to get him out of my mind once and for all. I joined Adult friend finder (AFF), I didn't think I could possibly go and meet anyone just for sex and anyway no one would be interested in me. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was inundated and what was more they came back for more. it really did my self confidence a world of good and I began to realise that even without the perfect body I was desirable. I soon found myself with several regular lovers/fuck buddies/friends with benefits. I knew that this would only be a temporary thing for me whilst I was not ready to enter a relationship again.

one night whilst chatting online to one of my lovers we decided that in order for me to experiment and try new and different things we would swing together as a couple. we set up a new profile looking primarily for other couples to play with. I had never been with another woman or more than one man so this was all a bit exciting and daunting at the same time for me. during our search for a suitable couple my partner found The man and ella. he put me in contact with the man and we began chatting online. He told me about his blog which I then read and got hooked. I decided I could do this so started this blog. I also met Thomas aka my knight in tarnished armour through the joint profile. we began chatting and out of that came the lady and her knight email fantasy. 9 months on we are still in lust but he is attached so not a real prospect for me. I also began to talk to a man who had recently gone seperate ways from his partner. Never the less we began chatting and over the months we became very good friends. This was of course Forest. Forest loved to read about all my adventures we used to talk about what I had done and who with how I felt about it all etc. then I started feeling that I had reached a stage where I didnt want to do the fuck buddy/ friends with benfits thing any more. I wanted more. I wanted someone who I could go out with do things with. we discussed all this (what I wanted etc). It was always about me. He never told me much about him saying he would tell me more when he wasnt chatting from work. But we only chatted while he was at work. Then finally we met for a lunch time drink, I went to meet a friend and came away knowing that this friendship could never be the same again. The next day we went for a walk for an hour before I had to dash off to collect my youngest from school. I knew by then that I was hooked, I wanted him. then I became ill, he was very solicitous, texting me daily to make sure I was ok both morning and evening. I liked that he cared enough. When I started to get better he came to see me and give me some TLC. I didnt hear from him for a few days after this as he was very busy at work but I didnt know this and my paranoia began.I had already decided that I didn't want to see anyone else, I wanted to just see one man and for me that man was and still is Forest. I told my other men that I wouldn't be seeing them anymore. Other than Mr Passionate I couldn't bring myself to drop him, we hadn't seen each other for a few months anyway. But things were not going as I would like with Forest. He was very busy and I began to work which meant that he couldn't pop round to see me during the day as he had a couple of times. I got frustrated not so much that we didn't see each other although I longed to see him more often but his inability to communicate if it wasn't by msn during the day. Oxo asked me to go to see him and out of frustration I went. Just as I was going Forest text me which made me even more frustrated so I told him I was going to see smeone else. He seemed to find it funny which made it worse. then at the start of august I had my only experience of
spanking, It was several months in the planning, when the time came I had the opportunity to ask a lover to join me in the hotel room afterwards. I asked Forest he accepted but didnt want to get in the way of any plans I might have to see anyone else. Grrrrr why couldn't he see its only him that I want. he came to see me but only stayed about 2 hrs then went home!!!!

the next day I began chatting to fireman sam by accident (I thought he was someone else with the same name). since then I have seen him twice. I now find that I only want Forest but he seems to think I should still see others. I get that he isn't ready to be in a relationship but he won't tell me what he does want. my dilema is do I carry on seeing others or just see him. A large part of me says just see him, but he might find that hard to cope with besides I do like these other men. I don't want to tell him about what I get up to with others because i don't want there to be a need for others. Maybe its the others in my life that make him want me. maybe he wouldn't want me if there were no others.

update

whilst writing this Forest came online and we chatted and I ended up telling him that I saw Fireman Sam at the weekend. He wanted to know about it, I told him very little the conversation then got abit kinky which I teased him about but I did manage to get across that I had been turning down sex.

why?

because I wasn't bothered.........and im not going to have sex unless I really want to

fair enough........does that mean you are loosing your drive?


no it means I go through phases and there are some men I would prefer to be with

that makes sense very much so

he is about 3rd on the ladder if I don't include the 2 that I lust after but circumstances prevent us getting together

that was a great statement made me smile

the conversation got silly after that, he didn't ask who were first and second on the ladder. I hope he knows he is number one he should do. I hope this clears up some of the confusion. If not just ask me anything you want to know.

it hit me

it has hit me this morning part of why I have been feeling so tetchy

I enjoy talking to the various men in my life
but recently I have been getting quite a few offers from them wanting to see me again
this surely is a good thing but I am not seeing it that way
yes I like these men and enjoy their company and of course the sex
I have turned down all the offers I have had in the last week

Oxo invited me over but i declined, he now has family staying with him for the bank holiday weekend so I wont be hearing from him now until they have gone.

Fireman Sam has been chatting at least once or twice a day for the past few days, hes has invited me to his place.

Rusty has been texting me, he wants to see me again

Even Lotto has reappeared on the scene, I met him in march and it wasnt until weeks later when we were chatting that I realised he fancied me, he says he didnt realise I fancied him either. every now and then we chat but this last week we have chatted several times and he makes it clear he wants to see me. He even turned down another woman last night who had propositioned him in the pub then text him.

Partly I am turning them down because I have virtually no money and what I do have I need to feed the kids in the next few days and I dont want to waste money on petrol.

But this morning when I was replying to an email from prada pixie it hit me the real reason is that I dont want to be in this position of getting offers and deciding whether I want to accept or decline. It is another week before I am expecting forest to get back from his holiday but he is the one I want to see. Ok I could as I said a couple of weeks ago spend virtually every night having sex with one or other of my creche. but that is not what I want. I want to be in a relationship with forest where he is the only one I see. No more making decisions about whether I want to see this one on this day or that one on that day. I like all these men, if I didnt I wouldn't have them in my life but as much as I like them they are not forest. It isn't that any of them are wrong for me they just are not the one I want to be with.

I dont know where I am ............but thats ok

I dont know where I am but thats ok

I have tried unsuccessfully not to think about forest too much while he is away.
I have tried to occupy myself
I have tried to remove him from my mind
I have tried searching dating sites for someone to replace him
I have chatted on msn
I have had text conversations
I have exchanged emails

I have not been frantic
I have not been in a panic
I have not been throwing myself at every available man
I have not been totally good
I have not been terribly naughty either
I have not kept Forest from my mind

In the past week I have had offers
Oxo asked me to visit him and stay over I declined
Fireman Sam has hinted and I said maybe
Fireman Sam has even asked me to play with him I declined
Rusty has teased me with his text
Rusty has requested a repeat of our previous meeting I can't decide
Do these men think that I am avoiding them personally

I want to keep occupied
I dont want to think
yet I feel disinclined to accept these offers
it isn't that I have gone off sex
It isn't that I am saving myself
I just don't feel in a space where sex is everything
I feel as though these offers are something I can take or leave
I am choosing to leave for the moment and just be here
I leave my boys while I indulge in pleasure often enough
for the moment I shall just be here with them

I am not feeling the peaks and troughs that go with passion
I am feeling serene and calm
no need to rock the boat
I am happy just chatting, texting and emailing
I am connecting with friends old and new
just being me

I am trying to work out what I want
I am trying to work out what I dont want
I am lost without emotion
but that is ok

bits and pieces

lack of money (my fault)

the main money that myself and my children live on is the child tax credits I get to supplement my wages. I have known for several months that the annual renewal had to be completed before 31/7/07. I didn't complete the renewal believing that my change of payment follow my change of circumstance in june meant that it was no loer necessary. I now know that I still had to do this, I have dug out my P60 and given the one vital figure to the person on the phone my money should be reinstated in a few days :-) so that was a good start to my day.


Later I was busy getting on with my work when my boss and my friend Posh Bird (general manager) called me into the conference room. I wandered if they were going to say they were going to let me go two weeks early (my contract ends 7th sept) but they asked me to stay on until 22nd december :-)


Oxo

I said I might do a post about oxo which caused suze ask 'I want to know what you plan to do with the Oxo. ;)'

Suze Oxo is my fuck buddy. we were chatting last night when he suddenly dropped our code word into the conversation. This code word can be used by either of us to say 'want to fuck give me hour' but I turned him down as I didnt have enough fuel to get there or the money to get fuel. Oxo offered to give me fuel money but I did have enough to get me there in the first place. He was having an early night as he had an interview today but he told me he would leave the door unlocked for me just incase. He really is a sweetie.

half cocked ideas

I have a number of things I can post about

Oxo

control

forest

friends

swinger

lack of money (my fault)

maybe by the time I get home from work I shall have a post properly formulated in my head rather than the half cock ideas that are currently there.

while the cat is away..............

George has asked me if it will be a long three weeks while Forest is away. I have to say that there is the potential for it to be very long. After all I was climbing the walls when I couldn't contact him for 2 weeks. Now I know he is away for 3 weeks it did hurt when I found his message. Not because he is away, I don't begrudge him a holiday, he is very hard working not just in his work but in his private life too. I am assuming that he has taken his children away with him, I could never wish him not to spend time with his children who he cares for very much, this is so obvious when he talks about them. What hurt was the way he told me, but more than anything that he left it until the last minute to tell me. He probably did this for one of two reasons, either it didn't occur to him until the last minute to tell me, then realised that I would go crazy if I didn't hear from him for that length of time without knowing the reason. Or he didn't want to tell me before as he was worried about how I would react to the news that he would be away. I would have reacted much better if he had told me before. I would have like to ask him where he was going what it is like there etc. Now I am wondering if it will occur to him to send me a postcard he had better not say he couldn't as he doesn't know my address. He has been here a few times, I had to give him my address for him to find my house.

Anyway onto the subject of the next three weeks for me.
Ronjazz has told me that I only need to be true to myself not anyone else. He is right and I have to say that my decision to behave myself and nor see others was because that was how I wanted it not because any man had asked me not to see anyone else. All the men I see including Forest are happy for me to see others (or at least thats what they say).So for a few months I saw forest then gradually began to see Oxo again. Then Mr Passionate crept back into bed with me last week. You know that thing the more you have the more you want. Well in the last week I have seen 2 men that I hadn't seen before, I am making plans to see Thomas again. I am due to see another man Rusty this week also. Although we have not met already we began chatting last year and did arrange to meet at one point but his business meeting over ran and we just never got around to rearranging the date until now. So far from crying myself asleep every night I think maybe I shall be too busy to worry too much about what was his name again?

Dark master has plans to have me spanked when his sex slave comes over from Canada. He has spoken to her about it and they want to make my fantasy story 'her suprise' come true. Rusty has plans for me to be tied and teased. I am sure that in the next few weeks I shall see both Oxo and Fireman Sam my fuck buddies. Thomas is organising time to see me, we have agreed that the fantasy of the knight and his lady is over. This is now an illicit affair between two real people. He is concerned that as he is as good as married I will give him the bums rush (that is not what I have planned for his bum). So I think while the cat is away this mouse will be playing hard and may even be too knackered to see him on his return.

male harem

Is there a word that equals harem when attached to men as opposed to women?

I have just been chatting to Thomas formally known as my knight. we were discussing the men in my life. I described them as the male equivalent to a harem. In the past I have talked of my stable of men.

I had thought that sometimes men runaway from me. they enjoy being with me but suddenly bolt like frightened cats. This I put down to them not really liking me as much as they could. But I am beginning to realise now that I was wrong. They run because they do like me. It isn't me that frightens them but their own feelings towards me. Thomas has just promised that he wont do it again. He hadn't realised that I had noticed that was what he had done.

which best describes what I have harem or stable or is there a better way to collectively describe my men.

He tells me

He tells me I am a gorgeous kisser
he says he wants me and wants me and wants me


He tells me I am a great kisser and very sexy, we do have great sex together


He tells me I am perfect, he loves my sexy voice, the only thing wrong with me is that I have kids


He tells me I am the sweetest person he knows


He tells me I am a sweet girl


He tells me nothing just holds me close, kisses me and makes me feel happy