this evening

well thats another evening gone
I have chatted on msn to forest, we chatted about mundane, we chatted about sex, we chatted about what I want and how to get it. we talked about Oxo (forest called him a git ......I nearly told him that hes no better.........I did say ........most men are). Oxo wanted me to drop everything and go to him.........hes feeling horny.........he has a day off work tomorrow..............he offered me bacon and eggs for breakfast..........it didn't matter to him that I was in the middle of writing about cancer and didn't want to stop half way through. I told him no so he logged off without even saying goodnight. He does that!! I even expect it now.
I chatted to another man who I made friends with through the dating site. Hes feeling sorry for himself (just for a change). funny he logged off when he was complaining and I said .......no but we survive to live another day. Perhaps I hit a nerve.
There have been a few emails exchanged with Neptune............its odd we seem to have gone back to emails through the dating site.......I wonder why he isn't chatting on msn anymore.
Oh and SF called to give the boys some more cakes and buns etc (end of date food) and gave me a whopping £100 maintenace for the boys for the next month. I shall try to make it last!!

this morning I read the latest post on evening's blog, she had to go to hospital today (she is a breast cancer survivor). I couldn't stop thinking about her post all day so now I have written a post about it. Over recent months I have come to know several women bloggers who have had breast cancer, I can't identify with them over the surgery but the impact of cancer is something I do know about.

oh and I found a blogger who was hiding........I wasn't looking, I figured that if he really wanted me to read his blog he would tell me where to go to find it. If he didn't want to tell me then I wouldn't bother searching. But I stumbled across it while reading other blogs.

Now it is past midnight and I realise that yet again I forgot to have dinner.

worthwhile

There are moments that make my reason for existing worthwhile.

After I recovered from my cancer I wrote an open letter to the mothers of children who attended the same schools as my children. (In the years since I have also sent this letter to various online friends I have made.) Reminding them that they owe it to their children to take care of themselves and take all available precautions including medical screening when it is offered. If I could prevent just one woman going through what I did or worse dying then it makes my illness worthwhile.

There have been times when friends or family members have been feeling depressed or finding things difficult to cope with. If I can do anything to help whether it is practical or just being there I am glad. everytime that something I do or say makes someone smile even if its only for a minute that makes my life worthwhile.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend who is going through a difficult time. I was woken by a text from him at 1.30am (approx)telling me that 'Your words helped very much. You will never know.' That makes my reason for being worthwhile. Some weeks ago during a conversation I said that I believe everyone who comes into our lives does so for a reason. He wondered what reason he had come into my life. In this case I think it has been a case of me coming into his life to help him through a difficult time, which in turn is giving me someone to worry about. I am good at worrying about others and making sure they are ok. To me this makes my life worthwhile

Today

Today I visited my Dr expecting him to prescribe iron tablets for my anaemia.

To my surprise he had no intention of doing this. My anaemia is not due to iron deficiency. I didn’t know there was any other kind. Apparently my markers are quite high on my blood test results. I am not in the medical profession so none of it made much sense to me.

However one of my counts (no idea what one) is 115 the norm being between zero and ten. Wow that really is well over what it should be. I have an unusual bug in my system which he has no idea what it is or where it is coming from. It could be anything from an infection (I am now on anti biotics) to cancer. With my history he is concerned and asked to do an internal examination (with my favourite practice nurse in attendance). I expressed my concern that last night as I lay in bed I had not so much played as explored and was horrified that even just inserting one finger I came to a dead end.

My Dr examined me and discovered that there are definitely problems with my vagina. First he thought I had an ulcer then he said cyst. He used a speculum to examine me and only managed to insert it 4.5cm. He is ordering an urgent ultra sound scan. I was quite calm whilst at the surgery. However driving home it hit me that it could be cancer again. I am here to prove that I have survived once. Now I may have to do it all over again. Just, when I am starting to turn my life around.

In 2001 when I was being told that I had cancer all I could think of, was that I would need to take a few weeks off work (it turned out to be 9 months). I took the whole thing in my stride, never once cried or got angry. It was just something that had happened and I had to get through it. I had my children aged 5 to 13 to worry about and a husband to support. Now my children are older 11 to 19 so more able to cope and I don’t have a husband to support which will make it easier. When I got the all clear I took the opportunity to have some free counselling. I didn’t want to return to work to suddenly be hit by all the emotions I hadn’t gone through. But all that came of my sessions was that my counsellor concluded mine was a very lonely marriage.

For a very short time this evening I felt very down about this turn of events. I contacted a couple of friends. I needed to tell someone. I learnt many years ago that I must not bottle things up it just makes things far worse for me.

Ok so now I know there is a possibility that I might have cancer again. I have spoken about it got it out into the open. I can now get on with my life. If the worst comes to the worst I shall get on with it as I did before, refusing to give up my sense of humour as bad as it is. I am positive by nature so will not stay down for long.

I do not crave anyone’s pity or sympathy, only that no one abandon me. Don’t feel that you can’t say anything to me just be yourselves and say anything at all. Be cheerful with me. Don’t be sad. Don’t feel that I can’t deal with anyone else’s sadness or problems. Helping others with their problems helps me to deal with mine.

Hopefully what ever is wrong with me won’t be the worst case scenario and I can just carry on regardless.

Real mothers do anything for their children

Real Mothers………..

Real mothers will do anything for their children , but many will neglect their own well being for the good of their children. I learnt the hard way that one of the most important things for us mothers to do for our children is to look after ourselves. At the start of 2001 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I had a tumour the size of an orange. I was lucky that it was caught only just in time. I was due for my 5 yearly smear (pape) test when the tumour was found.

I particularly found Fussy Bitch’s post about female incontinence funny but with a sad tinge. In spring 2000 I found that I was leaking and decided that it was down to my age and weight so I started using Tena lady towels such as in FB’s post after all isn’t that what they are for. What I should have done was visit my GP. It was 6 months before I did and that was because I figured that I had a prolapse that was pressing on my bladder. I now know that it was the tumour pressing on my bladder.

I will never know when the tumour began to grow, but I had a smear test at my ante natal appointment after the birth of #4 son. This had to be done several times as there were insufficient cells (apparently not unusual after the birth of a child). Maybe the abnormal cells should have been picked up then or maybe they hadn’t yet started to form. When you get a call from your GP, to have a smear test make sure you do go. I believe that in the USA it is normal for this to be done yearly, where I live it is every 5 years however the hospital surgeons insist it should be at least every 3 years. Anyway my tumour was found, treated and I am lucky to still be here to tell the tale. A few weeks after getting the all clear I wrote an open letter to the mothers at my children’s schools. Over the years since I have passed this on to many of my online friends in the hope that I can spread the word how important it is for our children that we keep ourselves healthy. This message is not only for women but for men to pass on to the women in their lives. If I can prevent just one woman from going through what I did I will have achieved something in my life apart from bringing 4 wonderful young men into this world.

My boys all reacted differenty to my illness. #1 had just turned 13, he kept out of the house as much as possible. He didn’t know how to face me but his friends told me how worried he was. #2 was just 10 he wanted to be my rock, making sure I was comfortable, bringing me cups of tea and making sure his younger brothers were ready for school each morning, even making the lunchboxes up. I didn’t have the strength. #3 looked at me as though I had grown an extra head. But otherwise kept out of the way he was 9. my baby was 5 and just started school. He would just say mummy has a bad tummy then headbutt me in the tummy. A few years later we were discussing how two of my boys get ill more than the other two when #4 chimed in…….mummy you don’t get ill do you? You just get cancer!........He is not afraid of the word cancer because although he didn’t know what it was he knew mummy had cancer but she is well now.

This is the open letter that I mentioned earlier.


October , 2001

Dear Mothers:

Some of you will know me but many of you won’t. Earlier this year I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I have just recently been given the all clear, I am now cured. However I wanted to write to you to ask you to do your best to make sure that your children don’t have to go through what my children did.

There has never been any history of cancer in my family I don’t smoke and I am only in my thirties and have never missed a routine smear test. I had no reason to believe that I would get cancer especially not at this age. But I did, I have been very positive all through my treatment and have now come through it with a clean bill of health. When I told my boys that the cancer has all gone away they were all very pleased especially Elliot who announced to everyone within earshot, “I have got my normal mummy back.”

Hearing my son saying this has confirmed what I already knew, it was not only my life that has been put on hold for the last 8 months, but my whole family. We have had a lot of support from a lot of people including the staff at school. Some of you will also be aware that I have made it my aim to make sure that as many women as possible are made aware of just how very important it is that we all keep healthy. It is especially important to check your breasts regularly for lumps and go for regular smear tests. From asking around I have discovered that the general rule at Dr’s surgeries in this area is to call women for a smear test every five years. However the specialists at the hospital are adamant that we should be all tested every three years. If you don’t want to go to your own doctor’s you can get a smear test done at your local pharmacy. Just ask for an appointment although you will have to pay a small fee. It is not important where you go as long as you do get tested at least every five years, but every three years would be better. I know having a smear test is not pleasant, but it is nothing compared to the treatment for cancer.

If you have a smear test that shows abnormal cells you can be treated and like me get better.

For the sake of your children please, please look after yourselves.

living after Cancer

It began over easter, I noticed that I was leaking not just when I sneezed but at other times, even as I slept I would awaken to discover that I had leaked from my bladder. It was only a slight trickle but enough to be annoying. I thought it must be down to my age (38) and my weight which had crept up since the birth of my fourth child, I began to wear sanitary towels. Afterall we have all seen the ads for such protection against leakage as we get older. After months of this and the problem increasing I finaly told my mother about this embarrassing problem. She convinced me to see my Dr as it could be a prolapse of my womb. Eventually I got to see my GP about my bladder problem, she wrote to the hospital and I was sent an appointment for December with the urology dept. By the time of my appointment I was experiencing pain. I was examined by the urologist who suggested that I should see the gynacology dept. Within a week I had been to see them. I was given a date to go into hospital for day surgery for an explorotary operation. When I came around after this operation I was informed that I had a tumour. 3 weeks later I was given the news that my tumour (size of an orange)was malignant.I had cervical cancer. I could have had a hysterectomy except that my tumour was too large to be operated on. I was scheduled to have chemotherapy and radiotherapy. I was lucky the decision was made to give me extra radiotherapy and avoid the chemo. I was away from work for 9 months in total during my treatment and recovery time. I was given the all clear in September 2001. next month I have my final consultation before I can be signed off.
I have now been clear of cancer for a little over 5 years yet my illness has had various after effects all invisible to others. It would be lovely to think that once you have been given the all clear that is it you can forget about having cancer, it isn't that easy. There is the constant round of medical appointments although as time goes by these become less frequent. There were the appointments with my consultant at first every 3 months usually in the middle of the day meaning a day off work. The menopause clinic as I had now had a non surgical hysterectomy, I need hormone replacement therapy to prevent the development of cancer of the womb. (I now have a non working womb). One effect of my treatment that I have found the hardest to deal with is my change in diet. When the radiotherapy began I was given instructions about what I could not eat during my treatment. Anything with fibre in it, fruit, vegetables, wholemeal bread and many more. I was encouraged to eat a diet that would normally be considered unhealthy. This would be fine for a few weeks, I was eating very little anyway. But this continued after the treatment had ended. My treatment had been so close to my bowel that it had been affected. I had to be extremely careful about the amount of fibre in my diet as it just went through me. This meant that I had to continue with my 'unhealthy diet' this coupled with the lack of energy resulting from my treatment my weight ballooned by 4stone in the next 6 months. this meant more appointments (dietician). I can now at last say that the continuous round of appointments has virtually come to an end, although I am still on the hormone treatment. I nolonger see the dietician she has given me all the help she could. I am now able to at last eat a fairly normal diet although fruit still gives me problems I cant eat too much. My weight has gone back down although I would still like to lose a little more. But I am now discovering another effect that my cancer has had on my body.
Whilst I was undergoing my treatment and for some time after I was constantly being told that I should have very regular intercourse to prevent my cervix from closing up. I declined as the thought of intercourse with my husband was not something to relish. I was provided with a dilator to use instead. At every appointment after my treatment had finished I was asked about my libido had it increased. It hadn't until feb 2004 when my hormone treatment was changed. I now take progesterone, at first I thought I was dying the effects were so harsh and acute. I felt as though I had gone into labour. These settled down after a couple of weeks, thank heavens I had persevered !!! Suddenly I remembered that I am a woman, not just a mother and wife. My quest for fulfillment had begun. I set about divorcing my husband and now find that I am not only interested in sex but enjoy it enormously. However since the advent of my renewed sex life it has come to my notice (I have been told by several of my sexual partners) that my cervix has changed. Apparently I am not very deep (I dont know if this was always so) but Im told that on investigation with fingers I dont feel like other women. I have been assured that this is not unpleasant just different. I have come to the realisation that another effect not a bad one but unexpected is that I don't feel the cold as I used to do. I can be in a skimpy top and shorts or skirt while others are in jeans and coats. One draw back is that I sometimes get complaints that I have sweaty palms, this was never an issue before so I can only assume that my radiotherapy has caused these two changes.
I am however very happy to be alive and in the main quite well (headaches aside). Life was passing me by, but nolonger. I am in this life for the ride and want to enjoy as many experiences as I can.