Battles

I have noticed in recent weeks that I have become more confident in myself

I have managed to bag myself a new job using my confidence as a big factor. there were three of us who were interviewed, but I managed to remain positive and confident all through the proceedure. They now tell me that the remit was to find a confident 'cheeky female' to join the team. I also managed to negotiate myself a decent pay rise with the promise to review it in six months.

I have managed to convince myself that I don't need a man to make me happy. I can be happy without a man in my life. It would however be nice to have a man to snuggle up to on a cold night. But I am learning not to sell myself short. If a man does not show me the respect I deserve then hes out the door however much I like him. Previously I would have let them treat me badly just so that I could still see them.

I would rather stay home and be lonely (but I don't feel lonely anymore) than be out with someone who treats me like a plaything.

However saying all this I am still locked in a battle. I have the opportunities to have sex almost as much as I want. Some offers are from single men and others are married men. Men like Oxo still want to see me but I made my decision that I would remain celibate unless I am in a relationship. I find it hard to keep turning him and others down. It is very flattering to be told that these men still want to see me again. I feel selfish for turning them down. I know, I know, I should not feel like this I have to do what is right for me.

It is hard enough turning down the single guys but the married ones are harder still. This should be easier as I decided ages ago that I won't get involved with any married men anymore. I am sure they think it is personal and it is them personally that I am rejecting but it is more than that. If I was married I would be devastated if my husband was seeing anyone else. I cannot do that to another woman. I went through a stage where I convinced myself that these men were out there looking for women, I didn't go looking for them. If they are going to cheat on their wives then they will do so anyway whether its with me or not so why should I miss out on them, after all I am single and can see who ever I want. But I have grown out of that. My morals have kicked back in and tell me that if I give in then I am hurting another woman even if she doesn't know about it.

Apart from not wanting to hurt other women I have another reason for staying away from married men for anything more than friendship. I don't want to play the field anymore. I want a loving relationship with someone who wants only me. Married men cannot give me this, I am not stupid enough to think that any of the married men I know are going to fall deeply in love with me and leave their wife for me, so that would make me the other woman and I want to be 'The One' not the 'other one'.

my battle continues

Before I got distracted by the news I received on Thursday I had intended to write this post about the two sides of me which seem to still be in battle one against the other. The two sides which seem to mean that I cannot as yet reach my goal.

I did think of writing a list of my qualities that I see on each side of the coin that is me. But I don’t think that will work as to me there are not two definite sides to me.

In some ways there are two sides but there is no line drawn between the two. No that’s wrong it isn’t two separate sides more like two extremes of the same side.

On the one hand there is the me that people who know me see. The mother, the colleague, the public persona. On the other hand there is the woman who after many years in the desert has woken up realising that she is just that ‘a woman’ who thoroughly enjoys sex. The public persona and the sexual woman are not two different people but one and the same.

So why is it that my public persona has to hide the sexy woman behind closed doors. The sexual woman in me comes out online and of course when I meet a lover. But it seems that my lovers who obviously find me sexy and witty are not interested in the kind, loving, caring, sensitive person that I am. Even those who I chat to for months before meeting, they get an insight to the rest of me not just the sexual side. I am not interested in men who can talk of nothing but sex. I enjoy sex, I enjoy flirting, I enjoy discussing sex online or by text to an extent but not constantly I get bored if that is all a man can talk about.

After all these months of allowing my sexual side to have free reign as it were I still am not at peace with myself. I have learnt that it is good to enjoy sex (safe sex that is) it has given me a certain freedom to express myself both, physically in bed or where ever but also in my chat with men and some women, but more in my writing. However I still cannot reconcile myself to this being respectable behaviour for the mother of four who has grown up in the society I have. I am still battling in my conscience over whether I am being normal or very immoral.

I have enjoyed my promiscuity of the past year, but have calmed right down now. I am seeing only one man. That however does not mean that I have stopped talking to others. They do all know now that I am only seeing the one man. He however is perhaps the only one who does not realise this. I do have plans to carry out certain lets call them experiments with certain selected others. These I won’t reveal just at the moment. But for the main part he is my sole sexual partner for now. He is the only one I have made love to in the last few months. He does not mind if I see others, he enjoys reading about my escapades in my blog. There is a possibility that as time progresses he and I will swing together with others for 3 or 4 somes. I have been in contact with some others about this.

I have plans to carry out one or two of my fantasies in the not too distant future with a willing partner. We have only to arrange when and where. So if you think that my recent news is going to put me off carrying out our plans you are wrong it only makes it more important that I experience as much as I can while I can. If I can then so can you. You know who you are.