am I pregnant?

I was going to comment on Bittersweet and her post missing signals but think my comment would be too long so I have decided to do my own post.

Bittersweet (I am sorry but I just find it difficult to refer to someone as me who isn't me) asks the question : Do you have those months when you think you may, really, actually, be pregnant this time? (clearly not, if you are a man, but stick with me here)

My answer is yes I did. Not now obviously as there is no way in this world I can get pregnant. Most people would imagine that as I have four lovely sons I must have been very fertile especially as I rarely had sex and seemed to get pregnant nearly every time we did. However the truth is that I am very lucky to have any children at all. I lost one baby exacty a year before I fell pregnant with #1. My life would have been completely different if I had not lost this baby. This baby was with the man I was in love with (the married man who was forever leaving his much older wife for me then going back each time she tried to kill herself). I know now that it wasn't me he wanted, it was another baby. His first wife wouldn't allow him to see his daughter. His step daughters were grown up with children of their own. When I became pregnant he was going to decorate their flat for her then leave her to be with me and our baby, but that changed when I lost the baby. It was because of the hurt I felt over this man that I opted to marry a man I did not love. anyway I digress.

I hadn't known SF very long when I found I was pregnant again, he wanted me to get rid of the baby but I just couldn't. It wasn't until #1 was actually born that I knew whether SF would stay with me. Even though #1 was the image of his father as a baby, SF still insisted that #1 was another man's baby. Then we decided after 2 years to have a second baby (I was having a girl this time then my family would be complete). I was convinced I was expecting, had no period, had various other symptoms, yep I must be pregnant. took a test, negative, few weeks later still no period another test still negative. then I flooded I convinced myself that it was a miscarriage and was taken into hospital. I was home the next day after a scan showed there had been nothing there. A few months later I believed I was pregnant, but again the test was negative. We were actively trying for this baby so we were having regular sex, it took 10 months before finally I did fall pregnant. we had #2 another boy by c section.

I was told not to fall pregnant again for at least a year. No problem as I wasn't intending to have any more babies even though I hadn't got my girl. By this time sex was not happening very often we talked about it quite a bit both agreeing that it wasn't needed we were not bothered about it. But for those occasions when we did we had condoms and I was on the mini pill. After about six months I had a few days of feeling pregnant but the symptoms went away. I figured it was stess I was on a diet we moved house and had decided to get married I was also doing a correspondence course in accountancy. All this and being mum to a baby and a toddler now 3yrs old. various symptoms came and went I ignored them. We got married and a few days later I nearly passed out. SF thought I must be pregnant as I suffer low blood pressure during pregnancy. I went to my Dr who told me to treat myself as pregnant until the test results came back. a week later it was confirmed I was pregnant. must be 7 weeks as that was last time we had had sex. 2 weeks later I felt the baby moving, scan showed I was 4 months pregnant. (I told my mother in law that her son's mates had let me down.....I dont think she got the joke) I was terrified.

After #3 son was born (c section again) I had the contraceptive injections. I began to have side effects after awhile so these were stopped. we still didn't have sex very often but even so I still kept feeling pregnant. I kept a record on my callendar of when I had my periods, 30 days became 40 then 50 then 60 by the time I had gone 120 days with no period and been suffering various symptoms on and off I had already had several pregnancy tests. All negative I don't now remember how long I went before finally I had a period. then began series of periods that were very irregular I could go anything from 10 days to a hundred days between periods.I was sent to see my gynae consultant and tests were done. I had a problem with my ovaries. they didn't work properly (polysistic something disease of the ovaries) I was found to have less density in my bones than I should have had due to the lack of oestrogen during all those months over the years when I wasn't ovulating. Apparently most women who have this disease have trouble conceiving. I was very lucky to have had one child let alone three.

It wasn't long after this that my father died suddenly a month after his 55th birthday. 2 months later I was pregnant and the baby was due on my dad's birthday. I figured that this baby was meant to be and my dad had sent him to me. I was sterilised whilst in theatre having #4 my body would not have coped with any more pregnancies (mine were all big babies) and at least I could stop thinking I was pregnant when I wasn't.

So to Bittersweet I say yes I do know what it is like to have those months when you feel pregnant. I also know what its like to be pregnant and not realise it.

no desire at all

I had been very hurt by the way things had turned out with C. I loved him so much, I went through so much pain because of that. When I had vowed that enough was enough and I would never see him again I made the decision that I never wanted to be in love again. Some months later I met SF. He was drinking in the pub across the road from my home, we chatted and at the end of the evening I gave him and his friend a lift back to the next town where they lived. First I dropped off his friend then went back with SF to his flat where he offered me a cup of tea. Whilst I was drinking my tea he serenaded me with his guitar. No one had ever done anything like that for me before. He asked me to stay and we ended up in his bed, I was feeling frustrated as I hadn't got a boyfriend at that time and still had a healthy appetite for sex. The next day he phoned me at work to make sure I was alright. Over the next weeks he got into the habit of phoning me in the evening asking if I had eaten and inviting me over for a curry or other meal he was cooking.
Gradually over the next few months I was spending more time at his flat than at my home, not because we were boy/girlfriends but because we had both recently had our hearts broken and wanted someone to come home to each day. It seemed to make sense for me to move in with SF. We spent a lot of time in the pub, I began to drink orange juice most of the time, even then I think I had begun to realise that he drank enough for both of us. Just before Easter I had a miscarriage, by this time we had begun to argue and were not getting on so I went back home to my parents. A week later I returned for a chat, I got more than I bargained for, we ended up sleeping together again!!! I decided that I would not move back in with SF but I did rent a bedsit in the same building. this became more like an expensive dressig room as I kept all my clothes there but spent most of my time at SF's flat or in the pub. 2 months later I discovered that I was pregnant again. I told SF and he told me to get rid of the baby.......I couldnt do that and vowed to bring up my baby by myself. At around this time my parents moved to a different area. Over the next few months my relationship with SF was very up and down, I had no idea whether he would be with me after the baby was born. My baby was due in the winter and I went to stay with my parents while i had the baby, SF came to visit and found himself a job ( he had recently been made redundant). we found a place to live and moved in with our baby. A few years and two children down the line we got married, very low key wedding then home for fish and chips with the kids. I wasnt in love and never had been with SF ( I never wanted to be in love again then I couldnt get hurt). As time passed I found it harder to cope with the amount he drank, he would prefer to be waiting for the pub to open than get there 5 minutes late. If we were short of money the first priority was his drink before the bills. after our second child was born our sex life became almost non existent. we had both put on weight and I had no desire for him at all. It also became more and more apparent that his personal hygeine had slipped, he explained that having a shower more often than every 3 weeks washes away the natural oils and isnt good for you grrrrr. I dont think it has ever occurred to him to wonder if this might have had an adverse effect on his sex life. Try as he might to persuade me I would not give him oral sex. He would be horrified if he only knew what I get upto now. During our marriage I was ridiculed at every opportunity, not allowed to wear nice clothes or make up, I couldnt go out on my own with friends, as I was stuck at home with the children while he was out drinking. After I had recovered from my cancer I got involved with a local youth football club our boys played for (we had 4 by then). I became the club secretary 2 yrs ago having been on the committe for a few years. I spent a lot of time at the club and on the phone or texting club members. SF started accusing me of affairs. I got very upset he should have known that I totally believed in monogamy. 2 yrs ago he accused me of an affair with the manager of my 2nd sons team. This man became the club chairman, we worked well together. My husband made many threats towards him, eventually going to his home to tell his wife that we had been having an affair (not true). I had to quit the club as it became impossible for us to work together. 15 months ago I started divorcing him. He refused to move out of the house for 7 months which was horrendous.
he was fine with the boys but became vicious when ever he saw me.......I had to call the police afew times. finally he moved out on court orders 3 days before we got the absolute. But the harrassment conyinued and the threats got worse. After he went I changed the locks and my fone numbers. He would phone the boys instead and demand to speak to me even at 3am. Until the night he phoned and threatened to kill me. An hour later he was pretending to be the cat wanting to be let in, I was on phone to police at the time and they were here in 5 minutes he was hiding in my shed when he was arrested. he finally pleaded guilty and accepted a restraining order to stay away.