Reasons and propositions

What I didn't realise when I wrote my last post here was that I had already been dumped by Dylan only he was apparently taking the cowards way out and not telling me. A few days later when I had not heard from him since I had returned from my holiday (even though he had agreed to go to a party with me on the Saturday but didn't turn up) I wrote to him. I told him that I believe everyone enters our life for a reason. I told him I now knew he had come into my life to set me free (I didn't tell him what from). I also commented that his unexpected silence had hurt me and I hadn't expected him to do that. That was when he emailed me back thanking me for getting in contact. He was being a coward because he always finds it complicated when he tries to finish with a woman. After the detailed and thorough character assassination that followed I can undertand why he has a problem.

Considering that he is a trained councellor he seems to have more than a few issues of his own that he needs to get sorted but I won't be the one to tell him. I felt such a fool for thinking he was someone I could get on with. He might be good at getting people to open up to him (apparently it happens all the time) but he isn't good at listening, he also has a big issue with people who are not in full health (strange for someone who works with terminally ill patients). Anyway he is out of my life now and I am not sorry but I am glad that meeting him helped me to break free from Romeo at long last.

In less than a week I met Spark. This time it wasn't through the internet but through work. When I agreed to have lunch with a customer whose account I was trying to grow, I had no idea that meeting him would cause us both to find we couldn't stop thinking about each other. When he called me next day asking me to meet him for a drink (he actually left the England v Australia cricket match he was watching to see me). We were both experiencing butterflies every time we thought about each other. But there was one big obstacle to this becoming anything else. He already had a girlfriend. After that one evening that included a lot of kissing and cuddling (we both stayed fully dressed), there would only be the briefest of meetings a few days later when he told me that he was sorry to mess me about but he felt so guilty. This was good really because his situation was causing me problems anyway. But what I got from this brief distraction was that he reminded me how it feels when you meet someone who gives you butterflies. I had almost settled for 'nice' when I met Dylan. Spark reminded me that I mustn't settle for anything less than butterflies.

Since then I have been out for a drink with a friend I hadn't seen for ages, we also had dinner together last week. On the way home he mentioned that he would email me a proposition. He did email me, but found he couldn't bring himself to set out his proposition but came up with a plan. I won't go into what his plan was but I have since pointed out a few flaws in his plan. These flaws aside I have had to turn his plan down. You see he is married and I have explained that I can't become involved with a married man although I do treasure him as a friend and confidante.

Since starting this blog I have learnt a few things about myself. I am still struggling with my sexuality versus my upbringing. But I now know more about what I do and don't want. I do not want to be 'The Other woman' to any man, only 'The woman' in my man's life will do for me.

Even if I persuade myself that the married man was already looking for fun when he met me, I won't get involved because, if it was my man behaving in this way I would be devastated so I won't do the same to another woman. If the married man was able to persuade me to get involved with him, I would not be able to fully relax because my concience would get in the way. I know that I have not been whiter than white about all this over the recent years but now I know my own feelings better I won't be going down that path now or in the future.

I feel so much more content now that my path ahead has become clearer in my own mind.

Exchanges of views

Over the past week or so I have been having exchanges of views with a variety of male friends about the state of our different relationships and what is or isn’t wrong.

You may or may not recall that in the spring I met a man who I called Lotto. He was single had not lived in the area for very long and wanted some fun but not a relationship. We met in March, he had an interview to go to later and I was in pain from a severe headache. (we just had one drink in a town centre pub).Our date had gone fairly well but I wasn’t convinced that he was very keen until a few weeks later we were chatting online and he mentioned how much he fancied me. Over the months since then I have been getting sporadic messages from him. Each one saying how much he likes me and wants to chat again and hopefully meet again. I did tell him that I was giving up casual sex but was happy to remain friends. He agreed to this. Shortly before Christmas we discussed meeting again over the Christmas holidays.

I sent him an email saying that I am still single and would be happy to see him again.

His reply…..

Nice one,

I'm still attached but I'd still like to meet - thats if its ok with you - not sure when maybe after xmas and before new year - let me know

Now this stopped me in my tracks

I think I must have missed something .......... ‘I'm still attached but I'd still like to meet’ I didn't know you were attached.........I thought you were single you told me you were.

Hi,

I'm not married and I do live alone but I have a girlfriend. It did say that in my AFF profile and I was under the impression we had discussed this.

I'm sorry if I've offended you and I can understand if you didn't want to meet.

Good luck with the new job and have a good Christmas
Now if he had ever told me that he had a girlfriend I would have remembered that but in all the time we have been chatting I have never thought of him as having a girlfriend. In fact he always said things like this……
I've not had any meets since we met (shame we couldn't get to know each other more)
At the time when we met I was being less choosy so it would have been less important that there was a girlfriend somewhere around although I would still have cared about it. Anyway the point is that to me a girlfriend is no different to a wife. Not something you forget about. Now I did think it was strange that Lotto had not met anyone else in all this time as he is an intelligent and sexy man. However I assumed this was because he had not come across anyone he wanted to meet. Now I still like him and feel he is sexy but it does alter my feelings towards him in that I feel he has betrayed his girlfriend and also me to a degree in that he let me think he was unattached (I quite clearly remember him saying that he wasn’t ready for a relationship following his divorce). I thought he was a sweet shy man, now I know he is capable of wanting to play away behind his partner’s back even if he hasn’t actually done it. He has tainted the way I felt about him.

I was discussing this online with another friend who didn’t see anything wrong. Now this other friend told me that he himself was unattached which I disagree with. He has recently left a long term relationship for another woman. To me this makes him attached. To him he has never been tied to anyone. I cannot comprehend this way of thinking. Surely if you are in a committed relationship with someone then you are tied to them. I cannot understand how anyone can live with the same partner, love and care about that partner and not believe that they are doing anything wrong by sleeping with other women so long as the partner doesn’t know.
To me and to the majority of people to sleep with others when you are in a relationship is cheating. How can it not be described as cheating. Ok I am guilty of sleeping with some married men. I didn’t choose to find married men they came looking for me. I am single and can sleep with whom ever I like but these men should not be looking for satisfaction outside their relationship. The only time I would say that it is not cheating is if they have the blessing of their partner ie in a polyamorous relationship. If the partner does not know then they cannot give their consent, therefore all other relations are a betrayal of that primary relationship. I do feel guilt about the women whose husbands I have been with and it doesn’t make me feel good. But I don’t see many of these men feeling the same guilt, if they did then why do they do it. The only one who was overcome by guilt the very first time we had sex was GB. He was so consumed by the guilt that as much as we both wanted it we agreed not to continue.

I have also been exchanging messages with another friend about the lack of having someone to share with. He told me that he hated not having anyone to wake up with over the Christmas break. He is the first man I have ever heard express that exact sentiment. Many men say they want someone to go to bed with. That’s the easy part finding someone to go to bed with. The hard part is finding someone to wake up with. This is what I have been looking for. I can find men to take to bed fairly easily but that is not what I want. I want to not wake up alone every morning. I want someone who will be there in the morning. Not every day as I don’t think I could cope with a full time relationship again just yet. But to be able to wake up in the arms of my lover regularly that’s what I want.

I feel kind of honoured that one single man I met late last year, was so happy waking up with me that he decided to give up casual sex. He wanted a relationship so that he wouldn’t be waking up alone all the time anymore. He told me that it was all down to me (ah how nice it is to be flattered). Within weeks he met someone, I forget how they met but it wasn’t online. They recently bought a house together and in a few months will be getting married in the Caribbean. Every few months he chats but we have never talked about meeting again.

I have been thinking about all the conversations I have had with various men over the last 2 years nearly and all the blogs I have been reading. I think all this has helped me to have a much better understanding of how married men feel about the lack of sex in their lives and how frustrated they get when they are rejected by their wives. Maybe this post has sounded as though I am being judgemental of my friends (even those I have benefited sexually from). I always try to keep an open mind and not judge others by their actions but there are actions that I couldn’t do. I am sure it is hypocritical of me to say that you shouldn’t cheat on your partner but if you are going to then you can do it with me. Just don’t expect me to cheat on my partner when I have one. Because basically that’s what it boils down to.

I suppose it is down to each of us to work out for ourselves where the boundaries between what’s right and what’s wrong are. Obviously the boundaries are not the same for all of us. I was trying to explain to Skipper when we met that although I have been quite happy to play the field, once I found the right person I would be very happy to be faithful to that person. If I was in a relationship with someone I cared about I would not stray. However I am not closing the door to swinging if I was with the right person and our relationship was strong if we both equally wanted to swing together.

fuck buddy or not

not much to say today as I have spent most of the day languishing upon my bed feeling pitiful. The day has been all gray and overcast which has contributed to my head feeling like someone was gripping it in a vice whilst someone else aimed a hammer at it continually for hours on end.
finally now I am on the mend.
A couple of hours ago after much contemplation I sent a text to Oxo asking if he is busy tonight (as I am in need of TLC). Unfortunately he is busy. serve me right for all the times I have turned him down.
It took a lot for me to send that text. I am so unsure of where I want things to go with him. I care about him and when we are together it is good and the peace is very good for me. Our bodies are used to way we fit together now, spending time together is very comforting and cosy, we respond well to each others every touch.
But I don't feel he is the one for me. Maybe I should be satisfied with what we have, but I don't want to be a friend w/benefits.months ago he said that he just wants me to be his fuck buddy but that over time that may change so that we become a couple. So even way back then he was thinking like that, I was happy for him to be my occasional fuck buddy as I didn't want more from him. I could continue with the way we are, he would still be happy with that and for a while I probably could be too. But if I want to find a real relationship surely I can't do that if I still have a fwb. So for the last two weeks I have avoided having to decide whether I want to go spend the night with him. On the one hand he would give me what I want right now but on the other hand it could get in the way of what I want for the future.

Meme interview from Vi

The rules for playing are: You WILL update your journal/blog thing/whatever with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments). You will also include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in your post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions (not necessarily the same as mine). You will also leave a comment saying, "Interview me." Others can then ask you questions.

VI said...
Lady, your questions (sorry if I repeat)

1. Tell us about losing your virginity.

I was just turned 17 he was 20 (my first serious boyfriend) it was in my parents bed while they were away. I loved it and from then on I couldn’t wait to do it again. Mostly though we had to resort to country lanes in the back of his mini. Good thing we were both short. 6 months later we split up because he felt we were getting too serious because HIS friends kept asking when we were going to get engaged. Funny I was talking to my mum about him on Friday she had forgotten about him until then but says he was cute (he was). Every now and again I wonder what happened to him we kept in touch for a few years. I always hoped we would get back together.

2. What is your biggest regret in life?

That I allowed myself to marry a man I didn’t love just so that I wouldn’t get hurt again. All those wasted years with no love or affection. But I cant really regret it completely otherwise I wouldn’t have my 4 lovely sons who I adore.

3. If your last meal on earth was chocolate or a bag of hot chips, what would you choose?

Bag of hot chips. I do love chocolate but it makes me feel sick if I have more than just a bit. I probably have chocolate more often than chips anyway so that would be a treat. (when my son has a bar of chocolate he usually gives me a piece saves me having a whole bar).

4. How many sexual partners have you had?

Until last summer including relationships and a couple of one nights with guys from the pub (both with same name very odd that) 9 but now I have stopped counting. In the past year probably 15 give or take. Again some one nighters and others more than that about 50/50

5. Are you looking for a relationship right now?

Yes and no. I am still looking for fun but want something a bit more regular than I have been having. Ultimately I would like to find a serious relationship but I think I am still in the transitional stage. Somewhere in between casual and full on.