Gone

I had a very sad email yesterday.

A fellow blogger emailed to say that he was closing down his blog. He did explain why and I am very sad for him that the one place he had to voice his feelings and frustrations has been taken from him in this way. A family member found the blog and is accusing him of things he hasn't done. I have felt priviledged to be aquainted with this man even if it is only online, we live on different continents.

I hope that one day he will be able to come back in some way, I know he gained a lot from being able to blog. I shall miss him and I am sure others will too. I learnt a lot about the way men think from this man.

I am now also thinking about other bloggers I used to read who have felt for one reason or another that they had to close their blogs. But most especially those who have been forced to close them because of someone in their real life.

Some of the bloggers I miss are La fille Mariee, Cherrie, Fex, George, Easily Aroused, Feetman, and Fatso. There are others who have come and gone, some who have opened new blogs. But each and every one has left an impression on me.

spanner in the works

last week I was saying that men are strange

I have now not heard from Sammy since 21/10/07

since telling Oxo that I would not be seeing him any more as I am not going to be indulging in casual sex anymore. What we had was good but it wasn't what I now want. the odd thing is that when I was seeing him he only ever chatted online as a prelude to asking me over which was probably about once every couple of weeks. But since I told him I wasn't going to be going over he has been chatting nearly every night and still asking me to go over there.

today I was asked by another blogger to define casual. To me casual sex means any sex that is not within a steady relationship. It could be a one night stand or it could be a series of nights like I had with Oxo who isn't a partner I am having a relationship with.

You can tease me and test me as much as you like but I won't be having sex unless it is within a relationship.

hmmm now I feel strongly about this. My playing the field was only ever meant to be a temporary situation whilst I was not ready for a LTR. Now I am ready and if that means being celibate until I find the right person well at least I have my new friend.

But last night a spanner was thrown into the works with the reappearance in my life of someone who could make a big difference to everything. watch this space.............

forest

whilst I was chatting online to a couple of bloggers this evening I noticed that Forest signed in. I didn't feel that missed heart beat that I used to feel when I saw his name pop up. I didn't feel anything more than a slight curiousity as to whether he would say anything. I wasn't going to say anything first but if he had I would have been polite. I'm not sure how long he was online maybe 20 minutes, I wonder if he was talking to someone else or was he seeing if I would chat. I hadn't been online for long when he had appeared. we have not had any contact since a few days after everything blew up in my face.
Yes charlie in a way you are right I did wrap up my heart and send it to him. I am a very giving person and I wanted to give him my heart so i did. this is not something I do lightly nor do I give my heart away so readily to every man I meet. maybe I shouldn't say that he stole my heart more that he captured it. He laid out the bait and I took it hook line and sinker only he didnt want to keep me he just wanted the fun of reeling me in then tossing me back in until the next time he wanted some sport.
So for the first time in almost 2 weeks I saw his name pop up on my screen and it had very little effect on me. no sharp intake of breath, no missed heart beat, no raise in temperature, no rush to say hi, just carried on chatting to my friends didn't even see when he signed out.

update

this morning Forest was online when I logged on. he began chatting to me. It was fine we chatted like we used to when we were friends.

I am a people pleaser me

confrontation

I don't deal with things by confrontation unless there is no other way. It just isn't in my nature to be confrontational. If I don't like something I will generally find a way to let my feelings be known without confronting the person concerned. I am sure most people will agree that I am a nice person, I always do what I can to be nice to people I am by nature a people pleaser. I am constantly checking that my friends and family are ok that there is nothing wrong and if there is then I will try to make them happier whether that is by doing something practical or just by cheering them up a little. I like to put a smile on the face of others.

sometimes i see or hear something which i think is wrong. if i see something which could be hurtful to others or even the person doing it I have to say something. sometimes I will do this directly either in public or in private. Other times I make my feelings known to the ether and if that person takes notice then that can only be a good thing.

I think of my virtual relationship with other bloggers much like my kids. I love them but don't always agree with what they do but that doesn't stop me from loving or caring about them. I don't go for blog love ins. If I admire a certain blogger it is for the person I perceive them to be and what they write. I read a range of blogs some I share with others that I read, there are also others that no one else i know reads. On all these blogs if I read a post that I feel I can contribute to or have anything at all to say then I will whether my comment is positive or negative. there are also times when I read something that I just have nothing to say. I don't go for back slapping just for the sake of it.

I don't understand people who write blogs but only accept comments from people who agree with them. There have been times, not often but there have been comments which I have found hurtful or simply just don't agree with me. I would never consider deleting these comments or banning the author. Everyone has a right to their own point of view. Just as I have a right to say whatever I like on my own blog if others don't like it thats their problem.

Just as in my real life I can't please everyone all the time. sometimes I do or say something that doesn't go down well. I hate it when I have a row, even when I know I am right it still causes me stress and gives me headaches. My ex b/f currently feels that I have ruined his relationship with his latest g/f. I hate that he feels this way but I dont feel any guilt or blame. It is his fault that this has happened. He tried to wind me up pretendidng that he was single again and asked me to get back with him. Then the last time we spoke he said they had never split up, when I accused him of playing games and he was either lying then or now he didnt like it. denied that he had asked me to get back with him. his g/f now has doubts in her mind and its all my fault for saying this to him in front of her. how can it be my fault it was him who asked me to get back with him. If he wasn't still playing games he wouldnt have got caught out and they would still be ok. the only reason I still talk to him from time to time is that I have this ingrained belief that it is rude not to answer when spoken to. But I am learning that I don't have to answer to everyone all the time. I have now blocked him from seeing when I am online. If he ever reads this (I dont know if he still does) I hope you managed to put things right with your g/f but more than that I hope you learnt your lesson. It is and never has been a good idea to wind up other women you have been involved with either in front of your current g/f or behind her back. You should know by now that you will never get the better of me you just are not clever enough.

Like me

Like me, you have a blog, but have not posted for a while, you chat to me when you are feeling horny and need more stimulation. Do I mind ? I kind of feel like I am doing you a service and I like to be helpful. Sometimes you make me feel horny too. You are young and still have much to learn I enjoy giving you advice.


Like me, you blog, you are very funny and amusing, we chat on yahoo or msn, other times we text or speak on the phone. You tell me about you, about your work and your children. You are always horny. I see a side of you that doesn’t show often in your blog. You are bright, sensitive, caring and sexy. You are gentle and passionate.


Like me, you blog, you are intelligent, entertaining, experienced in many ways on many levels. Yet you seek my advice on something very important to you, this is very flattering to me. We chat on msn or by text and on occasion by phone. We are friends.

Like me, you blog, you are a mystery to me. You puzzle me. We text or email we comment on each other’s blogs. You are intelligent, that shows in your writing, you are sensitive and caring. You are unconventional which is no bad thing. We are friends but still you puzzle me.

Like me, you blog, you are sexy, sensitive and witty but so much more. We chat on msn, email, text or phone, rarely a day goes by with no contact. We give each other advice. We have given each other pleasure. You are passionate and gentle, you are well read. You have a sexy voice and great imagination. We are friends.


Like me, you blog, you have a very sexy mind, you are very busy yet you find time to chat to me. We will never meet but we are friends, we tell each other secrets. I tell you how to suck a cock you practice my advice well.

These are just a few of my male blogger friends. Most but not all of them I have met ;-)

menu

1,2 or 3?

2

I forgot what they were now, was 2 a BJ?


lol is that what you want it to be?

menu: 1 hiya 2 cuppa 3 come get me i need a shag (this was the orginal menu!)

Have 2 be a 3, but working now 4 a bit



later in the evening different guy this time on msn

hi

hello hows you?

not too bad couldnt sleep thought a wank would help

oh

just been in bed for 2 hours trying to sleep
but basically spent time grinding my hard-on against matress

ive been waiting to use pc

i read your blog today I got a mention

lol hope you were not offended

i was kind of clad as it means you dont hate what we (mainly I) do

lol no i dont mind there are quite a few guys that do that chat to me while they wank

cool so you are sort of in charge of wanking

i suppose in a way

well i'm taking my boxers off to air my throbbing cock...........................

Jealousy

Jealousy

I find it hard to admit that I sometimes feel a tinge of jealousy
I try not to be jealous of anyone.
Jealousy can lead to problems in any kind of relationship
I try not to have jealous thoughts but they manage to creep in anyway

I have been thinking about jealousy a lot recently, mine and that of others
For months now I have been writing about my sexual adventures on my blogs
Quite a few of my lovers read my blog. It seems odd to me that none of them have ever shown any indication that they could get jealous of my adventures with others.
Quite the opposite they seem to enjoy reading about my adventures with others as much as my adventures with them.

Some of my playmates I have not written about because they either write blogs themselves or at the least read mine. I find that I don’t want the world to know all the intimate details, I guard them close to me I feel jealous of others who would share my intimacy. It didn’t seem this way in the beginning I was proud then to share my intimacies with my readers. It made me feel good that my readers were enjoying my intimate moments with me. I was proud that my lovers enjoyed reading my version of our encounters, especially when they told me that reading about it was just as good sometimes even better than the great time we had together.

I was trying to work out why I have changed my feelings about what I write. Maybe it is because I am feeling jealous. I read blogs that give accounts of sexual adventures, some detailed others not and I get jealous. I read a blog that gives accounts of women who the blogger wishes to have sex with and I feel jealous. I read another blog where the author describes his feelings about meeting a new woman, again I feel jealous, I don’t want to read but I do. There are other bloggers I have met whose blogs make me jealous with their stories both true and imagined. I am not just talking about the male bloggers I have met. There are bloggers I am in contact with who have stronger links with other bloggers we both know. This makes me jealous too. Why am I feeling so much jealousy in the blogging world? I am addicted to it and it gives me a release from the everyday worries. In many ways blogging has been very good for me. I have also made a lot of friends through my blogging. Some I have met, (I have probably met more bloggers than most other bloggers have).

I guess sometimes I am jealous of the relationships other bloggers have in their life while I am in limbo with my sex life. Sometimes I get jealous of other bloggers because they get to go on lovely holidays when I cant .sometimes I get jealous of other single mums who can have child free weekends (not an option for me). I am lucky that my children are old enough for me to leave them for hours at a time occasionally even over night. But I can never have anyone here for a weekend or even just over night. I can’t invite a lover for dinner.

I must be lonely in my own home. Maybe one day I shall find a man who wants to share my life and we will be able to share time in my home once the boys have got used to there being someone else in my life.

I commented on a blog recently that I can’t allow myself to think about my lovers with other women even their wives. I know I am not the only one they see just as they are not the only one I see. They enjoy discussing my sex life but I don’t ever ask about theirs. We all know that we are not in exclusive relationships. If I am playing with others I have no right to feel jealous of the other women my lovers have. Maybe this is why I am having trouble with jealousy in the blogging world. My lovers who are not bloggers don’t talk about their lovers so although I know there are others I don’t know anything about them. But in the blogging world it is there for me to read about. I am not saying that I get jealous because I want to be the one and only for these people. Reading about their desires that don’t include me doesn’t make me feel betrayed or that I cannot be friends with these people. I think all it has done is make me feel less inclined to write about my own adventures. I think partly this has also come about because there is a blogger who I have met who I thought was my friend but he has become distant, someone recently commented that maybe it is because he is jealous of my adventures and he is not part of them. Then I get jealous of others for being able to write when I can’t. No that isn’t right, it isn’t that I can’t, it is more that I have no desire to share my intimate details yet I can pour out my feelings of hurt.

What I want to be doing is pouring out my happiness. Maybe that is the root of my jealousy. That others are happier than me. Yet I know for many that is not the case.
I feel that my sadness is bringing me down taking away my sexiness. I don’t want to be sad I want to be happy to be spreading the love and warmth I have inside. The warmth and giving that I had to suppress for all those years. I have so much to give but at the moment I don’t know if I have someone to share it with.

My choice?

Partly

fantasies or not?

Not much has been happening recently that would be of interest to my readers. I know you dont want to know about me shopping for groceries or cutting my kids hair, looking after my mum while shes on crutches that sort of thing. I haven't been doing much in the way of dating. N seems to have done a disappearing act so I have not even seen him in over a week. Not that Im bothered about that. What I have done is a few days temping work. Odd I had worked there before last september, mentioned it in conversation to GB about 10 days ago. then I got the call to go back there for a few days. Just as my finances were reaching rock bottom. Recently I have been chatting to another blogger ....hornymaleuk. He has been texting me loads all week and yesterday. we have been giving each other ideas for subjects to write about on our blogs. He gave me the title ...walk in a country park...........I enjoyed writing that so much that when I stopped I wrote a couple more stories. Each has some elements of truth, but I have immensly enjoyed writing these fantasies. If anyone wants to give me any other ideas to write about please dont hesitate.

I am hoping to have more adventures to write about soon. I am hoping to link up with both SL and PL again soon, maybe if I am very lucky both together one day. We have talked about it, but both want another woman to join us.

I really hope that GB will work through his feeling and I will see him again. We have spoken a few times online but it has been very stilted...how are you? Im ok how are you ......that sort of thing.......but at least he is still talking to me.

I have 3 new prospective lovers. GP who I have been chatting to online and by text for a couple of weeks. We have arranged to meet this friday lunchtime. JJ who I have chatted to for months on and off, he finally got around to saying he wants to meet, hes into sub/dom which I have never tried. we are going to discuss this in more detail when we meet for a drink very soon. He wants to introduce me to the delights of restraint which I am interested in trying. Then there is HMU as I have already said we have been in constant contact for the last few days not just about blogging. I asked him about going to the bloggers meet, but he cant so I am meeting him the day before. He has also now asked if we can meet up 6th march which isnt far away.

Anyway I hope you enjoy the stories.