Lust or respect

I have been thinking about him quite a bit recently and I am not sure this can go on. He hurt me in the past when he wanted me as his sex toy but I wanted him to want me for me. I vowed then that I would never see him again. But gradually he won me around. He began inviting me round to his place for a cup of tea but the tea was never finished. The kissing always began as soon as I got through the door.

The kissing always led to more .....led to his bed even.

When we first met (face to face that is) after chatting as friends for 6 months he knew all about my experimenting. He knew about all the guys I had met. But he also knew that I had decided to give up experimenting, that I wanted a steady relationship. I had resisted meeting him for months but when we did meet wow I was besotted. He asked me why I had changed my mind. I thought he meant why had I changed my mind about meeting him. I had always known we would meet eventually so I hadn't changed my mind at all.

I later realised he had been asking me why I had changed my mind about being friends with benefits. (I hadn't but he thought I had). After several fraught but passionate months (passionate on my part) we parted company. I had told him several times that I didn't want to be his sex toy. But that is exactly what I was, what I was again when we began meeting up the second time around. Although this second time I was able to keep my heart protected, I distanced my heart from the physical relationship we were having.

Then he moved, sold his house, rendering him unable to keep up our rendevouz. It has been 18 months now since we were last together. We still chat, usually on Windows Live Messenger, I log in to look at my emails at lunchtime. He starts to chat, sometimes daily other times a week or more goes by. Sometimes we send text messages on our mobile phones.

Recently I was invited to Munich in September to meet a group of online friends during Oktoberfest.I asked him if he would like to go with me. I have no idea what made me ask him, it seemed like a good idea at the time. He can't go, he already has plans for that weekend...I told him no worries it was just an idea.

'A good idea '

Last week I was trying to track my son's flight as he set off on his latest adventure. The flight wasn't showing up so I checked his face book page for any news. There wasn't any so I tried the facebook page of his travel companion. From there I followed links that led me to him. I had never tried to find him before even though I had known there were links between us. It only took me a few minutes to find him. Not on facebook but an image on google. I had not seen the image before but it was definitely him. I gazed at that photo several times over the next few days remembering his kisses, how it had felt to be held in his arms. The feel of his hands clutching my hair.

I even began letting myself imagine how it would be if we were more than just friends with benefits. But then I came to my senses. I know he only talks to me when he is feeling horny, even if 95% of our conversations are non sexual.

I know he likes talking to me about any number of things but I also know that he doesn't respect me. He finds me sexy, but he doesn't find me worthy of his love only his lust. This in itself means that he is not worthy of my love.

In recent days I have been mulling over whether I should just stop having any contact with him. I rarely initiate contact, maybe I should tell him to stop contacting me. First I have to decide whether I want to keep him as a friend but at a distance or cut him out of my life. I have not come to a decision yet. I know he cares about me, has done for the last 5 years almost, but is caring enough reason to continue a friendship based on lust.

It has been several weeks since we last chatted on Live Messenger so I was amazed to see a message from him today, not just amazed but gobsmacked..........

Right now I really need your fingers around my b***s and your mouth around my c**k.

OMG

I can't believe you said that!

It was very unexpected to see these words on my screen whilst I was at work. He said that he had been remembering how it felt. He told me that I am very good at it. Maybe but it was still unexpected. The conversation then moved on to other things but it didn't matter. As flattering as it is to be told that even after such a length of time he still feels the need to tell me how good I made him feel. It just underlines the fact that he sees me as a sex object not as a mature woman that he respects. If he doesn't respect me then there is no future for my friendship with Forest.

Should I tell him how I am feeling, tell him to show me that he does respect me or I am off. Or do I just say nothing and let him fade from my life. (That is what I have been doing with both Plumber and Sailor).

2010 and beyond

Its been a while since I wrote anything here. Suddenly I find myself fired up to write, perhaps its the extended holiday and feeling relaxed but once this post is complete (I still don't know what this post will be about) I will have written a post on each and every one of my blogs except the diet one which I have forgotten how to access.

I guess part of the reason I have not been writing very much in recent months has been a lack of new interesting things to write. I still have financial difficulties but for the most part my life is anxt free. I am more relaxed, have enjoyed more family time, less adventures and tales of wantoness (is that a word?).

Maybe that sounds as though my life is all family and nothing else but that isn't the case. There is no special man in my life but there are 4 men who feature in my life more than others. These four musketeers are all dear friends who I enjoy spending time with. Forest has been in my life for more than three years, first as a friend then lover before being relegated back to friend status. However he asked to be upgraded back to lover back in the spring of 2009. (its odd to think it is now 2010). I refer to him as my occassional indulgence because that is exactly what he has become. We indulge in mutual satisfaction from time to time probably on average about once every 2 months although it can be twice in one month or once in 3 months.

He is a wonderful lover but we also enjoy non sexual conversations too. I suprise myself at some of the topics we discuss. Of the four he is the one I have known longest. Next is Mr Green, we are friends, we mostly communicate via text or email. Every few months we have a flurry of text/emails along the vein of ......how are you whats been going on in your life. This leads to mutual agreement that we must meet up soon for a drink. Sometimes this happens but often life gets in the way. He has been like a mentor for me, giving me advice on work, men and life. He listens to my thoughts feelings and opinions without making me feel either stupid or inferior. There was a bit of a glitch a few months ago when his crush on me took over his good sense but once I made it clear that ours is purely a platonic friendship we settled back into just that.

During the first half of 2008 I became friends with LV, we spend occassional afternoons having lunch together and recently visited the German Market in Southampton. The nice thing about being friends with LV is that we can keep each other company and prevent each of us becoming reclusive in our own little worlds. We care about each other's welfare. He has had a tough time in the last 6 months. I try to brighten his world a little but not sure how much good I can do for him. He is a very generous friend who likes to help those he cares about, but feels let down by those who should care about him. I wish I could do more to cheer him up.

Most recently I met Plumber in the early part of 2009. This was a very passionate affair in the early months but by the summer had dwindled to infrequent conversations and evenings together. Partly due to my quest to meet someone on a less casual basis than he wants but also our inability to mate successfully. During the time he has been in my life he has been very good to/for me. Not least of all obtaining and fitting my dishwasher, but lovely meals out showing me the range of venues our county has to offer. Moonlit evenings watching the boats passing along our local coast or up on a hill listening for sheep and owls under starry skies encircled in his arms.

Like I said there is no special man in my life right now. I don't mind that as I am happy in myself right now. I feel that there will be new love in my life when the time is right. I am not trying to force that to happen but shall be ready when it does. In the mean time I shall be embarking on new ventures (although I am not currently 100% sure what those will be). I intend that 2010 will be a year of action rather than non action.

Whats got into him?

Last night to my suprise Forest began chatting online. It was a suprise because although he is single I very rarely hear from him at weekends although I did in the past get text messages on sunday evenings. He always had his children staying over at weekends.

Last night we chatted about the length of time since we last saw each other. Neither of us sure exactly when the last time was. I checked my last post about him on here (mid July) but then realised that we had seen each other a few weeks later. Anyway we both agreed that it had been too long. I told him that I had met two new men since I last saw him. I told him that I had almost settled for 'nice' (which turned out to be not so nice). But then I met Spark who reminded me what it feels like to get butterflies.

That was when he told me that he had met a woman earlier in the day who gave him butterflies. (he had not seen a picture of her so it was a suprise to him on this blind date). He does hope to see her again. If he gets involved with her I shall be happy for him but sad for me.

Just as I was going to bed he sent me a text kiss nothing unusual in the kiss but not usual an hour after saying goodnight. Today he sent me another mid afternoon just as I was shopping. Then to my astonishment here he was chatting online again tonight. I expressed my astonishment that he was chatting two days in a row. Apparently he had been thinking about me and thought it was funny that I was shopping while he was thinking about me. Again I expressed my suprise that he had been thinking about me. (why would he be thinking about me just a day after meeting this new wonderful woman who gave him butterflies).

Something must have got into him because he even called me darling (I don't think he has ever done that before). He seems keen to see me again soon but I have told him it won't be this week, he will have to wait until October.

New Forest tales

Do you want to come over tonight? xx

do you have a teleporter? x

no why? xx

because I can't afford the petrol to get there xx

if you can get here I will give you petrol money.............
is that classed as paying for sex? xx

nooooooooooo ........................if I was charging you it would be a lot more than the cost of petrol x

I know I wouldn't be able to afford you xx

what time? x

9pm xx

perfect............my battery is dying x

that was the last conversation on my motorola before it died.
So punctual as ever I arrived at his place at 9.20pm, he was waiting at the open door with the kettle behind him hissing as he bent down to greet me with a slow kiss before turning to pour two mugs of tea. Tea that went cold while we kissed for an eternity on his two seater settee. Torchwood on the tv in the corner hardly noticed. Finally breaking free during what must have been the 10 O'clock news we left the tea untouched and made our way up the stairs to his bed with its fur cover. This time I waited for him to remove my clothes (just a dress bra and knickers), once he had removed his own t shirt and jeans. Leading me to his bed he laid me down as he knelt on the edge of the bed between my thighs nudging my clit with the slippery head of his penis. But before I could get used to the feel of him there he slid down onto the floor his face lapping up my wetness whilst his left hand played with my nipple.

It didn't take him long to have me writhing on his bed in pure delight as his tongue together with the fingers of his right hand took me to the height of my first leg trembling orgasm. Involuntary spasms shook my whole body as his tongue worked its magic on me. Until I could take no more , he lay beside me on the bed then, letting my fingures trace patterns on his skin.

His cock twitching against his slight belly (there is more of that than there was 2 years go) he asks me

what do you want to do with that?

what do you want me to do?

whatever you like

(probably the first words spoken by either of us in an hour) I don't need any other encouragement before I am crawling down the bed to kneel between his knees nibbling, licking and sucking on his delicious cock, it feels so great yet at the same time awkward when his cock hits the back of my mouth making me gag slightly. It has been a very long time since I felt those sensations. I am enjoying myself immensely with this man who was my lover before and is again now.

Adjusting my position I move myself back towards the head of the bed climbing on top of his prone body impaling myself on his erection. slowly moving against his thrusts my breasts hanging between us he catches them in his gentle hands pinching and caressing my nipples. Leaning forward I kiss his hungry mouth, I break away to whisper in his ear

we have not been very chatty tonight have we?

he laughs

no we haven't

back to the kissing and grinding I am now laying along his length lking down on his serious face while he thrusts deep into me.

You almost smiled

His face breaking into a big grin he reaches up to bring my face down to his for more kissing. We keep kissing and thrusting until his knee starts to play him up (an old footballing injury). As I roll onto the bed beside him one word escapes his lips

wow

This makes me smile to myself so it had been as good for him as it was for me.

It felt good to have a cock inside me

deep inside you too

mmmmmmmm

We lay companionably together cuddling and kissing as we enjoyed our post coital conversation. I think we have good sex partly because we have known each other for 2 1/2 years, we know each other fairly well, neither of us are expecting a relationship out of this so we are relaxed with no pressure. We like each other as people in addition to having a sexual attraction. I believe we have become the perfect 'friends with benefits'

friends who used to fuck

I was just reading a comment on catz blog, saying that in time she and S will become 'friends who used to fuck'. This got me thinking about Forest.

I am not sure how I would feel if I were to find myself in the same place as Forest but we are friends again so I guess that we are now 'friends who used to fuck'. From time to time we chat on IM just like we did before we met. One evening last week he was online before me. But before he signed out he said hello to me.

'hi, I couldn't sign out without saying hi'

Which I thought was very sweet of him. We chatted for a while which was good. In about 10 days time it will be a year since I last saw Forest although it was over a month later when we had our bust up. I will never forget that last time we were together.

update

Apart from the few text on saturday I have not heard from Sammy, he had said he would try to be online on sunday evening. He had said that eveything will be back to normal after tuesday so maybe he will be online tonight but I have my writing class tonight. I have now given up on the idea of him being my final fling. I just can't see it happening. It could only be at a weekend, there are not many of these left before xmas and I can't see it happening at all if we have not met before then.

I spoke to Forest very briefly yesterday, he has been manically busy. I couldn't chat for long as I was just about to take #4 son to the Dr's (he had been sent home from school with stomach cramps and nausea....the pain being in the region of his appendix).

I didn't hear from Neptune yesterday although he was back at work. He had told me on monday that he had been looking at new pc's to replace his one that has given up.

I went onto AFF last night just to check something out. I found that I have 11 new messages even though I have not been online for so long. One of these messages (the only one I looked at) was from Mr Passionate. Hes hoping we can get to see each other soon. I left him a reply but still didn't tell him that I won't be seeing him again. However I woke up about 1.10am and decided to text him that I miss him. (he doesn't finish work until around 2.30/3am). so that was the start of a text conversation catching up. Not easy when half asleep and only one eye open. crumbs I just looked there were 9 text from him so I must have replied 9 times. I have now told him that I have been asked to stay on at work until march which means I have to save 4 out of my 5 1/2 days leave for the christmas shut down. Therefore making it very difficult to see him. The only reason I was able to see him last time was because I was already staying in a local hotel for the night and he called in on his way home from work but had to leave in time to get home before his wife woke up. (by the way he thinks it would be a waste if I give up sex....he also says that when/if I ever get around to letting Neptune know about my sexual side........' he's in for a treat then, as you have an extremely sexual side ;-)x ' )

Swinger? hmmmm I got more non personal emails from him last night. I am still waiting for him to be ready to answer questions but I have waited a year so I can wait still. It would be just typical if he decides to chat tonight when I am at my class.

I think Oxo has finally got the idea that he can ask as many times as he likes I still won't go to his place any more. I saw him come online but he didn't chat, thats a first!!

men are strange

what is it with men?

Sammy has gone into hiding........not heard from him since last weekend at which point he was wishing I was at his place only he had his teenage daughter staying for a few days. I text him in the early hours last night

what happened to the offer of a pillow.......at this rate my electric toothbrush will be worn out before I get any action.

hes not been online or text all week
he normally tells me if hes going to be away.


Neptune has gone missing too
We have been exchanging messages at least once or twice a day on the dating site for the past couple of weeks. On thursay I didn't reply to his message. friday morning he found me on msn before work. told me all about the program on spiders that he had see the night before because he knows I have currently got a thing about spiders. But I have heard nothing from him since. I sent a very brief message on saturday evening. But I can tell from the site that he has not yet read it. He has not even logged onto the site since saturday lunchtime. He is usually on there every few hours. seems very odd to me.

Oxo has not gone missing. He is chatting to me now. First time since I told him I wouldn't see him any more. Hes been quite friendly but did try telling me things wont work with new man. Now hes trying to persuade me to go see him NOW!!

don't worry, new man will never find out

funny thing is that Oxo has lived most of his life in the same town that Neptune lives in now. OMG how awful would that be if by some strange coincidence they knew each other. Oxo has only been where he is now for 4 years.

Not heard from Forest for over a week now either but nothing odd about that.


Update

mystery solved Neptune having computer problems at home, sent message from work today.

Forest has been chatting most of this evening.

Forest

Hi Forest now that you have got back into the habit of reading my blogs again and even commented. I was wondering. I know you always enjoyed reading about my adventures with other men. Have you got around to reading my descriptions of you and me. I am sure you would enjoy them. But to save you having to trawl through the archives. check out these links. Lovely suprise about when we met at the park. Then there is Gentle which was the first time we fucked. I have not really said much about the first time you came to my place. Then there was my special friday, which I am sure you will remember. I didn't really say much about that time as I was writing more about the spanking/caning that went before it and my two hours of passion with the sexy Mr Passionate in the early hours of the next morning. But you might like to read Heaven is a place which was not so much a description of events more a memory of feelings. It seems to me that I had no problems with writing about feelings but I just couldn't write about the actual sex as easily as I could when it involved other men.

whilst writing this I have been chatting with Si, our conversation turned to that day at the hotel so I emailed him the posts about that. his comment apart from it sounds very erotic.........


i feel really envious of Forest!

this evening

well thats another evening gone
I have chatted on msn to forest, we chatted about mundane, we chatted about sex, we chatted about what I want and how to get it. we talked about Oxo (forest called him a git ......I nearly told him that hes no better.........I did say ........most men are). Oxo wanted me to drop everything and go to him.........hes feeling horny.........he has a day off work tomorrow..............he offered me bacon and eggs for breakfast..........it didn't matter to him that I was in the middle of writing about cancer and didn't want to stop half way through. I told him no so he logged off without even saying goodnight. He does that!! I even expect it now.
I chatted to another man who I made friends with through the dating site. Hes feeling sorry for himself (just for a change). funny he logged off when he was complaining and I said .......no but we survive to live another day. Perhaps I hit a nerve.
There have been a few emails exchanged with Neptune............its odd we seem to have gone back to emails through the dating site.......I wonder why he isn't chatting on msn anymore.
Oh and SF called to give the boys some more cakes and buns etc (end of date food) and gave me a whopping £100 maintenace for the boys for the next month. I shall try to make it last!!

this morning I read the latest post on evening's blog, she had to go to hospital today (she is a breast cancer survivor). I couldn't stop thinking about her post all day so now I have written a post about it. Over recent months I have come to know several women bloggers who have had breast cancer, I can't identify with them over the surgery but the impact of cancer is something I do know about.

oh and I found a blogger who was hiding........I wasn't looking, I figured that if he really wanted me to read his blog he would tell me where to go to find it. If he didn't want to tell me then I wouldn't bother searching. But I stumbled across it while reading other blogs.

Now it is past midnight and I realise that yet again I forgot to have dinner.

hot and horny

It’s quiet with just the soft murmur of my radio playing in the corner of the room. I have been trying to do some work on my computer as I sit perched at the end of my bed. I had earlier chatted to him, the one I had wanted to give my heart to. We are friends again now. I catch the words of a song drifting across the room……. I took a chance on loving you……..yes that’s what I did……….

If you’re a piece of wood I’d nail you to the floor
If you’re a house I would live in you all my days
If you’re a river I would swim you,


Yes this was how I felt until those words he used to crumple my dreams. Suddenly I am tired and lean back on my bed eyes closed for a few minutes.

I am shocked awake as my phone bleeps with the arrival of a text. Instinctively I know who it is.

Good morning, a question for you. If you suddenly thought of my tongue working its magic on your pussy right now would your juices start to flow?

How did you know? I shift slightly as I feel the heat spreading

So if I was under you licking and sucking your pussy you would be very wet. Well maybe you should stop thinking about me doing it then. Did I say my cock is hard?

You did now mmmmm

I am leaning back now hand inside my thong gently touching where I want him to be touching.

You shouldn’t keep thinking about me enjoying your body when you are working. Still try not to think about my throbbing shaft while eating your sausage at lunch x

The text messages keep arriving, I let him know I am at home now laying semi naked on my bed letting my fingers play among the soft wet folds of my lips.

Mmmm wonderful you can have a play. Oh imagine how it would be if I was there laying with you now!

Mmmm sounds heavenly. Very wet now imagining I have a tongue to die for lapping up my love juice while I give my attention to your hard cock.

More messages as my fingers delve deep inside me now as I get wetter and wetter with my desire for his body here with me, feet up on the corner of the bed knees pointing up towards the ceiling my hips thrusting up as my fingers find just the right spot. The ability to breathe escapes me as I feel the shudder of my first orgasm wrack my trembling body. Deep breaths, calm myself before continuing this very unexpected exchange.

Well it’s nice to have made you feel hot and horny ;-) even better if I made you orgasm too. You really are one hell of a sexy woman ;-)

The words of another song are drifting from my radio

Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh yes it’s the things you do to me but how can this be we have never even met and I don’t know if we ever will. You have never sent me any hot text messages before so why now.


We both know that there is no future for us but for now this is what we both want.

Later, much later, I text him

I had a very hot and horny experience today. did you do anything memorable?

I did something amazing today. I made a very sexy woman very hot, very horny and very wet. I also gave a gorgeous lady a huge orgasm and all without touching ;-) x

really weird

I have two days off work now

I had planned to see Mr Passionate in the middle of the day for one last time.

I had agreed to see Oxo in the evening so he can take a look at my pc (we have no sound) then he was planning to fight his way into my cervix. He has a variety of plans to try to make my cervix big enough to take more of him in. (I'm not so sure this is a such a good idea). we have great sex anyway but he still feels aggreived that he can't get much of his length inside my cervix.

Mr Passionate has text to say he can't make it as he has to look after his wife who was in a car accident a couple of days ago. Damn that means I either have to make other arrangements to see him or else tell him by email or text that I am giving him up. He already knows I am giving up having FwBs. I think he believes that I will find it very hard to give him up, which it is.

So I figure I shall go to the gym instead.

tonight after my writing class I found a text from Oxo calling off thursday night, he has to go to work on friday after all (so our plans of a lazy friday morning in bed are scuppered). Which is ok as my mum called earlier asking me to go with her to look at another home for my grandad (hes declining rapidly and can't stay where he is much longer).

Oh and incidentaly I forgot to say the original reason for taking these days off were that last winter I won a make over for myself and a friend at a studio in covent garden. I decided to take my mum as she needed something to look forward to. we have posponed this so many times they must think we will never get there. This should be this friday and suprise suprise I ahve to cancel again!

I was reading the comments earlier on my blog about forest being dangerous for me as I am not able to fuck like a man (without emotion involved). I was going to reply that it is hardly an issue as I have not seen hide nor hair of him since last tuesday. So naturally as soon as I log onto msn after my writing class he is the first person I see online. Soon we are chatting. I mention that I have 2 days off work. I decide to see what he will say. he asks me what I am doing. I tell him that my plans to see Mr Passionate have fallen through. He sympathises nothing more. Am I pleased or disappointed, possibly both but mostly pleased as I didn't want to be put in the position of having to decide whether to let him see me again or not.

whilst we are chatting #3 son phones asking for a lift home from the city. He ahd gone with a friend to see #1son's band playing at a venue in the city. It was arranged that #3 son would get a lift home with his friend's dad. when the time came to leave #3 son wanted to stay for one more song so his friend left without him. He made his way to the station to find there were no more trains tonight. Apparently there is a reason why he couldn't get a lift home with his big brother!!! any way I go get some more petrol and set off. Finally I find my son and we are travelling through the city when I cant believe my ears. Each night a romantic dinner for two is awarded to someone who has written in to the show. when I heard the name of tonight's winner there was no way it could be anyone else, the surname is so unusual and it was the right city (not the one I was driving through). tonight's winner was Jasper (GB)'s wife, they then played her favourite song which I even found myself singing along to how weird did that feel.

Last night when Sammy was going to bed he said he would chat again in a few days, so I had no expectation of chatting to him tonight. However I was suprised to receive a couple of very hot text from him (he doesn't often text). I am hoping to spend a day/night in Essex with him in the near future (my final fling).

lessons not learnt

when first we met I thought you were a dream come true. you put your arm across my shoulder and kissed me as we stood at the bar ordering our first drinks. finding a table in a quiet corner we chatted. You pulled me close and kissed me again. the pub was filling up with youngsters loud and boisterous. we walked through the town to another pub. we found a table by the window. As we continued chatting and kissing I spotted a friend of my husband's watching us. I didn't care. You were everything I had hoped for. You said you would like me to be your girlfriend. By the end of the evening I was practically sitting in your lap. All too soon it was time to get you back to the station to catch the last train home. During the next week we plotted and planned what we would do at the weekend. we both searched the net for a b&b for you to stay at. we had a good time that following weekend. soon I was making regular trips to visit you at your flat. We became lovers, you were my first new lover for 20 years. I could spend hours listening to you talk, especially about your passions (your son and your favourite music). I melted when you touched me but when you kissed me I just wanted to be one with you. That feeling was so good. I hadn't realised anyone could make me feel like that. As the weeks went by you would try to prove to me that I meant more to you than just sex. Now I know that, that is all I was to you, sex !! otherwise you would not have gone off and met another woman within weeks. I now know that I was stupid to let you keep coming back to me every few weeks when you were fed up with her. If it was me you really wanted which you always said I was.........you would not have kept going off with her.

I thought you had taught me a lesson..............not to give away my heart too easily, I now know that I had not learnt that lesson so well as I did it again this year.

suddenly

suddenly I find we are chatting for hours at a time
suddenly he wants to chat to me every day
I do not seek him out
I make it clear I am chatting to others at the same time
I do not flirt
I do not encourage
he does not leave until after
I have said goodbye


suddenly he is not chatting
we were in contact virtually every day
sometimes for hours
I thought he lost interest
but suddenly there he was chatting unexpectedly
a quick chat just before work
again not expected
now no word for about a week

suddenly he says hi
we go for a couple of weeks in silence
then there he is chatting
I know he will request
a visit from me his lover
he was too busy when I needed him
I tell him I am busy editing my story
he tells me to hurry
I tell him tomorrow will be
a long and tiring day
he is gone not even a goodnight

I am woken by his reply
an email saying to see him I want
he will see if he is available
a smile and a twinkle in my eye
on him I can count
we don't need constant contact
can pick up where we left off
he knows me and my desires
he can fuck me so well



update

within minutes of posting this I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. when I returned to my room Neptune had been online trying to say hello until he gave up realising I was not at my computer. so he is still around.

tonight as I was at the end of my writing class I got a text from Oxo wanting to see me tonight. I have not replied I am not well. I have a fever and ache all over. At first I thought I had over done it at the gym but no I had cut my session short as I wasn't feeling too great. I tried to sleep when I got home until it was time to go to my class. It was a real struggle to force myself to leave my bed. I sat in my class feeling really bad, I remembered the sneezing fits and sore throat when I was at work. It was pure torture to sit in that class for 2 hours when I just wanted to curl up in my bed. When I got home I shooed the kids out of my room. (we are currently down to one computer which is the one in my room). Dosed myself up and pulled my duvet up over my head. Now I am very hot even though there has been no heating on since 4.30pm my glands are up on my neck and I feel crap. I have to wait another hour before I can take any more pain killers. I will explain to Oxo tomorrow why I didn't reply, tonight he would have thought I was making excuses.
strange, as I am writing this I saw Neptune sign in but he hasn't stopped to say hi !

Oh well...................... these men they are such strange creatures!!

forest

whilst I was chatting online to a couple of bloggers this evening I noticed that Forest signed in. I didn't feel that missed heart beat that I used to feel when I saw his name pop up. I didn't feel anything more than a slight curiousity as to whether he would say anything. I wasn't going to say anything first but if he had I would have been polite. I'm not sure how long he was online maybe 20 minutes, I wonder if he was talking to someone else or was he seeing if I would chat. I hadn't been online for long when he had appeared. we have not had any contact since a few days after everything blew up in my face.
Yes charlie in a way you are right I did wrap up my heart and send it to him. I am a very giving person and I wanted to give him my heart so i did. this is not something I do lightly nor do I give my heart away so readily to every man I meet. maybe I shouldn't say that he stole my heart more that he captured it. He laid out the bait and I took it hook line and sinker only he didnt want to keep me he just wanted the fun of reeling me in then tossing me back in until the next time he wanted some sport.
So for the first time in almost 2 weeks I saw his name pop up on my screen and it had very little effect on me. no sharp intake of breath, no missed heart beat, no raise in temperature, no rush to say hi, just carried on chatting to my friends didn't even see when he signed out.

update

this morning Forest was online when I logged on. he began chatting to me. It was fine we chatted like we used to when we were friends.

having a good day

so far today has turned out just great.

its been a mixture of little things but I am feeling good.

I still think about forest but in a different way now. I hope we can still be friends but I don't know that I could ever have sex with him again. In theory it would be no different to the other guys I have had as fwb. But in practice I don't think it would work. Even in a fwb situation there has to be a chemistry a certain amount of passion. If I had sex with him again I would have to shut out all the feelings that I had had before which would leave me just going through the motions which would not be very enjoyable therefore pointless. So he will have to find himself a replacement.

As for me I am in no hurry to replace him either in bed or in my heart.

my morning started with a suprise message. it didn't say much just sammy saying sorry he fell asleep last night he was off to work now. You are probably thinking who the hell is Sammy?

I have been chatting to Sammy for months now, he shares the same name as Fireman Sam which led to my first chat with FS being one I thought I was having with Sammy. I was so embarrassed when I realised that FS was a man I had not chatted to before especially considering what I had just been telling him about my night before which sammy knew was about to happen.

I have been chatting online to Sammy all week. he has been my rock this week, bolstering my confidence telling me off when I say anything negative. reminding me how to behave where men are concerned. coaching me in how to win a real man, a man who will treat me as I deserve to be treated, not that I am looking at the moment. he also not only lusts after me which is nice to know at this time, but he also appreciates my crap humour and my writing. he lives a couple of hours drive away not insurmountable but not local. Last night he went to a party, but he was back on his computer talking to me well before midnight. I jokingly said he left the party early because he was missing me. He says that was it. He was wishing he was here with me. Pulleaseeee don't!!! as flattering as that is I don't need it right now.

Now that #4 son is at senior school there are going to be times when he gets home first, so I said I would get him his own door key. #2 son has mislaid his so that needed replacing. #4 son wanted to come with me so after we dropped off #3 son who was going to see his g/f (3 months now!). we did something we have never done before. We took my car through the car wash. Just a simple thing to do but for us it was exciting and I am so pleased my car looks clean and shiny again. We also had our lunch at subway which I don't normally do. It was nice to spend some time just the two of us and have these little treats.

This afternoon after I had dropped him off at his friend's house I went home. Just #2 son in the house. I was on the crap pc trying to check emails on my other accounts. checked one of the dating sites I don't use but it has my profile on because I had joined one of its sister sites. One guy from a local town has checked me out 14 times in one day !!..........I sent him a message

wow 14 views !! either you have a bad memory and don't remember who you already looked at or perhaps you like what you see. (no rude pics)...Hmmm when I have finished this I shall go see if he has replied or even just looked again.

then while I was looking at emails oh and blogs I was on chopski's blog at the time I get a window open up and Neptune is chatting. earlier in the week I had been exchanging messages with him whilst chatting to Sammy. I gave Neptune my msn address and we began chatting. I showed him a picture from last week's quiz. I don't think it is a good picture of me as I was moving (laughing) at the time. He commented that I looked different in this picture. We chatted for a while then he said he had to go and sleep, I didn't mind as I had a headache and it was getting late. I figured that I wouldn't hear from him again. before I began chatting on msn I had changed my picture from the usual one (which shows a lot of cleavage) to

I had heeded all sammy's instructions ( I knew this anyway I had worked it out for myself) about not letting Neptune know about my sexual side. Not until I am secure, if that ever happens. anyway I needn't worry as after seeing the picture from the quiz he had lost interest, or so I thought. I decided that I would not try to contact him, if he was interested he would contact me. In the past few weeks we had been in contact virtually everyday. by today I had heard nothing from him for 4 days so obviously he is no longer interested. But I was wrong. Just like last saturday he was asking what i have planned and talked about the next social event I have signed up for. He was trying to pin point where the pub is, he knows parts of the city, he was involved with a woman from the city for a few years. then we talked about TV and I was saying I don't watch it. I was a little stunned when he said did that mean if he comes to my place he won't be allowed to watch match of the day. ahem that was presumptous thinking he would come to my house. firstly I wouldn't introduce any man to my kids until we had been together for a quite a while. secondly I would expect that if he came to my house it would be to see me not bloody match of the day !!!

But its nice to know that he is thinking along those lines. I am playing it cool, just chatting as friends nothing more and when I had to go offline to fetch #3 son I just said it had been nice chatting (nothing about chatting again) I hope you are all proud of me cos I am.

Oh and as I wasn't expecting to hear from him the cleavage picture was on show. Once we began chatting I didn't change the picture or mention it as I didn't want to draw attention to it. He didn't mention it either. Most men say ..........wow love the picture!! if I take it down they ask for it back. I just wonder what he thought of it. It does show me laughing so it is good for that reason as well as the cleavage.......maybe I shall crop it it one day then post it on here.

Risk

Today I took a risk

today I lost

today I am tearful

tomorrow I will be sad

in a week I will be fine

today I was ok, kind of philosophical

until I got the text that tipped me over the edge.

it was only a couple of lines but it said so much

it told me what you had already said

his words told me that he is not worthy of me

had he been worthy he would never have sent that text

amongst the many he has sent tonight

had he been worthy of me he would not

have avoided the subject for so many months

whatever he says

however much he is sorry

I know now that he did not respect me

tonight I have cried

tonight I will not sleep until exhaustion takes hold

his final text .....sleep well xx

has he learnt nothing?

Near Miss

Phew!!! for the last 20 minutes I have been worried.

For the past 2 weeks I have been exchanging emails via the dating site with a man who seems to be very nice. He is a little older than me but his photo is very nice. He is single and works in the media field.
we have discussed many things from books to spiders to ice palaces.
He lives a fair distance from me, but not so far that meeting is out of the question.

As I am sure you know by now I am going to a pub quiz tonight which has been organised through the dating site. A while ago I found an email from this man saying he is tempted to go to the quiz. I have given him the address of the pub and offered him my mobile number in case he gets lost.

He has just replied that he wont come to the quiz tonight as he is committed to playing golf in the morning and will need an early night but thinks it would be good to meet up sometime.

you probably wonder why I was worried about him going to the quiz. I think I would like him although I don't know what he would make of me. My problem is that I don't even know why I am in contact with him. I feel very half hearted about it all. I do know why, I am sort of looking for someone to be in my life insead of Forest, but I am only half hearted because I really want Forest to come through for me. I don't want to go all out looking for someone new, because I don't really want someone new. I feel as though I am on the site under false pretenses, but really I am not, as you can use the site to look for friends. Although I am not really looking for someone right now I sort of feel that am doing this as a safety net in case it doesn't work out with forest.

2 little ducks

there are two of them and they are special to me although they are not mine and were only in my possession for a few hours. why are they special to me? They are the reason I met Forest.

I may have mentioned before that my grandad lives in a care home very near to where Forest lives. I had taken my mother to visit her dad when we stopped at a local garden centre for lunch. Mother saw some blue ducks that she liked. I thought I would get her one for her birthday. But didn't want to buy it while she was with me. I asked forest if he would buy these for me and I would meet him for lunch. He works in one of the cities not far from where I live. We met, we chatted, we kissed, we exchanged ducks for money. that evening I gave my mother her late birthday present. from that day until this those two ducks have sat beside her kitchen sink. but today they ventured out to the garden where they belong. One stopped beside the gargoyle fountain outside the patio,
but the other got as far as the bird bath at the far end of the garden.
photos to follow....having a little technical trouble right now grrrrr

omen ?

I have passed this every day on my way home from work for weeks apart from a week or so when it had gone but it reappeared about the time Forest returned from his vacation



update

communication between the two of us has improved in the last couple of weeks. I have now drafted an email to tell him what I want and deserve. But I would prefer to talk to him about this face to face. But if this doesnt happen soon then it will have to be by email unless I can persuade him that it is possible to talk on the phone.

good night

we have been exchanging text messages for the past half hour I should be asleep, I am amazed you are still awake at this hour. I am lying across my bed I am thinking about you I start to wriggle my hips as the heat rises within me. Sliding my trousers down to my upper thighs, my hand sliding into my creamy lace knickers. All the time imagining that you are here with me instead of all those miles away. I begin to touch myself as I want you to touch me. My hips rise up from the bed wanting to make contact with you, but all that I feel is the cool air from the open window. my left hand plays with my nipples, hard and sensitive even through my orange t-shirt and black bra. It isn't the cool night air that makes my nipples stand it is the image of you that I carry around in my head as I want you hovering over me, touching my flesh, devouring me as though there is no tomorrow. It is the thoughts of what we have done before and what we could do again if you were here. But you are tucked up in your own home, my phone silent now tells me you are probably already asleep. my fingers working, now getting wet and sliding easily inside bringing me quickly to thr brink as my body stiffens and I feel the blood drain from my head for a milli second before I breathe again and my head returns to normal. I am tired now and will sleep as I always do with thoughts of you in my mind. good night my darling xx