Today

Today I visited my Dr expecting him to prescribe iron tablets for my anaemia.

To my surprise he had no intention of doing this. My anaemia is not due to iron deficiency. I didn’t know there was any other kind. Apparently my markers are quite high on my blood test results. I am not in the medical profession so none of it made much sense to me.

However one of my counts (no idea what one) is 115 the norm being between zero and ten. Wow that really is well over what it should be. I have an unusual bug in my system which he has no idea what it is or where it is coming from. It could be anything from an infection (I am now on anti biotics) to cancer. With my history he is concerned and asked to do an internal examination (with my favourite practice nurse in attendance). I expressed my concern that last night as I lay in bed I had not so much played as explored and was horrified that even just inserting one finger I came to a dead end.

My Dr examined me and discovered that there are definitely problems with my vagina. First he thought I had an ulcer then he said cyst. He used a speculum to examine me and only managed to insert it 4.5cm. He is ordering an urgent ultra sound scan. I was quite calm whilst at the surgery. However driving home it hit me that it could be cancer again. I am here to prove that I have survived once. Now I may have to do it all over again. Just, when I am starting to turn my life around.

In 2001 when I was being told that I had cancer all I could think of, was that I would need to take a few weeks off work (it turned out to be 9 months). I took the whole thing in my stride, never once cried or got angry. It was just something that had happened and I had to get through it. I had my children aged 5 to 13 to worry about and a husband to support. Now my children are older 11 to 19 so more able to cope and I don’t have a husband to support which will make it easier. When I got the all clear I took the opportunity to have some free counselling. I didn’t want to return to work to suddenly be hit by all the emotions I hadn’t gone through. But all that came of my sessions was that my counsellor concluded mine was a very lonely marriage.

For a very short time this evening I felt very down about this turn of events. I contacted a couple of friends. I needed to tell someone. I learnt many years ago that I must not bottle things up it just makes things far worse for me.

Ok so now I know there is a possibility that I might have cancer again. I have spoken about it got it out into the open. I can now get on with my life. If the worst comes to the worst I shall get on with it as I did before, refusing to give up my sense of humour as bad as it is. I am positive by nature so will not stay down for long.

I do not crave anyone’s pity or sympathy, only that no one abandon me. Don’t feel that you can’t say anything to me just be yourselves and say anything at all. Be cheerful with me. Don’t be sad. Don’t feel that I can’t deal with anyone else’s sadness or problems. Helping others with their problems helps me to deal with mine.

Hopefully what ever is wrong with me won’t be the worst case scenario and I can just carry on regardless.