I am just a jealous girl

I was going to comment on Curvaceous Dee’s post Green eyes. I even began to write a comment but it was getting too long so figured that to give proper attention to the subject I should write my own post.

During the past year I have had a number of married lovers. At no time have I felt any jealousy towards their wives. Yet when I joined forces with SL to be a couple swinging together I did feel pangs of jealousy when he was interacting with another woman. I wanted him to be touching me not her. Yet I never asked him if he felt the same way when he saw me being touched by another man. But it didn’t bother me that he went home to his wife. I had no other problems with jealousy as far as swinging with SL went. We were close but not emotionally involved and when he told me about his bisexual experiences the only pangs of jealousy I felt were that he was getting more cock than I was. He was going off and enjoying himself on his own when we were meant to be a partnership. But I understood that many of the men he was meeting were gay as opposed to heterosexual or even bi. I knew that he saw other women but as I didn’t know who or when that didn’t bother me although I suspect it might have done if I had known the who, when and where side of it.

We began talking to a woman (Andie) who lives near me and is slightly younger, he wanted her to join us on some of our encounters with others. This didn’t happen, but after we had not spoken for a while we chatted one day and he told me he had gone off the whole scene it was getting too samey. I later learnt that he had teamed up with Andie but not told me. I was not and am still not jealous of her. (she and I were chatting for ages last night and plan to meet up for a drink.). I was not happy that he had replaced me with a younger model without telling me. I have now learnt he has moved onto a younger woman but Andie doesn’t seem to know. I don’t feel any jealousy, more annoyance but also relief as I realise that he was not good for me. He is a far greater player than I had realised.

I did feel jealous of the other women that Mr Passionate was seeing when I first met him. Chatting with another woman one day we were comparing the men on our profiles and those we both knew. When we got to Mr Passionate I told her hands off he’s mine, I was only joking but a part of me did feel that way. I told him what I had said to her he wasn’t pleased as he can see who he likes. I did make light of it saying I had been joking. He had already had one woman get in a strop with him when I had left a testimonial on his profile, she threw a fit and wouldn’t speak to him. Not long after that he decided that he just doesn’t have time to see other women. I was devastated that I was losing him but he said he will always have time for me ;-).
So now he only has two women in his life, his wife and me. Although I had felt jealous of his other women I don’t feel jealous of his wife. There have been times when she has rung or text him while he has been in my bed, but he waits until he has left before he replies. We talk about the other men in my life but he never shows any sign of jealousy, his only worry was that he thought I was going all moral on him and he wouldn’t see me anymore after I made my decision to give up married men.

Now I am seeing Forest but not often enough so I sometimes see Oxo both of them are single. Oxo knows that I have someone I really like but he’s happy being my fuck buddy. Before we met Forest knew that I was seeing other men and expects me to continue doing so. He was seeing another woman from time to time. I have no idea if he has seen her since we met. I don’t want to know as I know I would feel jealous. Not so much that he has seen her but that he has spent time with someone else when he could have been with me. When I told Forest that I had been dropped by SL he wondered if we could swing together as a couple. That was after all how we began chatting in the first place. Some days I feel I would love to swing with him as the idea excites me but other days I recoil from the idea. How could I even contemplate sharing this man I crave so much with anyone else? I just know that if the two of us swing together then the green eyed monster will surely rear its ugly head. I get confused when I think of him and jealousy. I see Oxo and rub it in his face because he is not with me himself, I don’t care if that makes him jealous, I hope it does as he has driven me into the arms of Oxo by his infuriating attitude. He actively encourages me to see other men yet I don’t want to see others, only him.

This is part of a comment by Temptress which Curvaceous Dee was answering.

How is it that you're ok with sharing? Try as I may, even though the thought of it turns me on, I can't really say I would be ok with it. And it makes me feel dreadfully selfish.

Now this I can fully relate to as it is how I feel about swinging with Forest. The thought of swinging with him does turn me on, it is incredibly tempting but then I battle with the jealousy I know I would feel at sharing him, but why should I feel jealous, what right do I have to feel jealous when since before I even began talking to him I was seeing multiple men.

Curvaceous Dee was also addressing a question posed by Z part of which was this

I still can't stop the pangs at times. And then it's worse, because I hate myself for my mean-spiritedness.

Again this is a feeling that I can identify with. I try to rationalise my feelings of jealousy. I tell myself that we don’t own each other we are free to see whom ever we wish. If I can have sex with others I can’t complain about him having sex with others.

Finally I must finish by quoting Curvaceous Dee.

For me, a lot of my jealous feelings boil down to my sense of self-worth. As my self-worth increases, my fears of abandonment recede (that, and I have the knowledge that even were I to be abandoned by everyone I love, I would still cope, for I have that strength)

I think this is a lesson I have been learning over the past year.

Jealousy

Jealousy

I find it hard to admit that I sometimes feel a tinge of jealousy
I try not to be jealous of anyone.
Jealousy can lead to problems in any kind of relationship
I try not to have jealous thoughts but they manage to creep in anyway

I have been thinking about jealousy a lot recently, mine and that of others
For months now I have been writing about my sexual adventures on my blogs
Quite a few of my lovers read my blog. It seems odd to me that none of them have ever shown any indication that they could get jealous of my adventures with others.
Quite the opposite they seem to enjoy reading about my adventures with others as much as my adventures with them.

Some of my playmates I have not written about because they either write blogs themselves or at the least read mine. I find that I don’t want the world to know all the intimate details, I guard them close to me I feel jealous of others who would share my intimacy. It didn’t seem this way in the beginning I was proud then to share my intimacies with my readers. It made me feel good that my readers were enjoying my intimate moments with me. I was proud that my lovers enjoyed reading my version of our encounters, especially when they told me that reading about it was just as good sometimes even better than the great time we had together.

I was trying to work out why I have changed my feelings about what I write. Maybe it is because I am feeling jealous. I read blogs that give accounts of sexual adventures, some detailed others not and I get jealous. I read a blog that gives accounts of women who the blogger wishes to have sex with and I feel jealous. I read another blog where the author describes his feelings about meeting a new woman, again I feel jealous, I don’t want to read but I do. There are other bloggers I have met whose blogs make me jealous with their stories both true and imagined. I am not just talking about the male bloggers I have met. There are bloggers I am in contact with who have stronger links with other bloggers we both know. This makes me jealous too. Why am I feeling so much jealousy in the blogging world? I am addicted to it and it gives me a release from the everyday worries. In many ways blogging has been very good for me. I have also made a lot of friends through my blogging. Some I have met, (I have probably met more bloggers than most other bloggers have).

I guess sometimes I am jealous of the relationships other bloggers have in their life while I am in limbo with my sex life. Sometimes I get jealous of other bloggers because they get to go on lovely holidays when I cant .sometimes I get jealous of other single mums who can have child free weekends (not an option for me). I am lucky that my children are old enough for me to leave them for hours at a time occasionally even over night. But I can never have anyone here for a weekend or even just over night. I can’t invite a lover for dinner.

I must be lonely in my own home. Maybe one day I shall find a man who wants to share my life and we will be able to share time in my home once the boys have got used to there being someone else in my life.

I commented on a blog recently that I can’t allow myself to think about my lovers with other women even their wives. I know I am not the only one they see just as they are not the only one I see. They enjoy discussing my sex life but I don’t ever ask about theirs. We all know that we are not in exclusive relationships. If I am playing with others I have no right to feel jealous of the other women my lovers have. Maybe this is why I am having trouble with jealousy in the blogging world. My lovers who are not bloggers don’t talk about their lovers so although I know there are others I don’t know anything about them. But in the blogging world it is there for me to read about. I am not saying that I get jealous because I want to be the one and only for these people. Reading about their desires that don’t include me doesn’t make me feel betrayed or that I cannot be friends with these people. I think all it has done is make me feel less inclined to write about my own adventures. I think partly this has also come about because there is a blogger who I have met who I thought was my friend but he has become distant, someone recently commented that maybe it is because he is jealous of my adventures and he is not part of them. Then I get jealous of others for being able to write when I can’t. No that isn’t right, it isn’t that I can’t, it is more that I have no desire to share my intimate details yet I can pour out my feelings of hurt.

What I want to be doing is pouring out my happiness. Maybe that is the root of my jealousy. That others are happier than me. Yet I know for many that is not the case.
I feel that my sadness is bringing me down taking away my sexiness. I don’t want to be sad I want to be happy to be spreading the love and warmth I have inside. The warmth and giving that I had to suppress for all those years. I have so much to give but at the moment I don’t know if I have someone to share it with.

My choice?

Partly