Triangles of what?

I have been trying to work out in my own mind what I am doing. This monring I read this post by my friend Z. She has explained so well what it was like when I was seeing my various lovers, many of them married or with girl friends.
Each lover was different, each gave me different things none was either more special or less so than the others. I didn't ask about their wife/partner but if they wanted to tell me I listened. What we had was in the moment. I gave them my full attention and they gave me theirs whilst we were together. they all knew there were others and sometimes they liked to hear about them, they found it a turn on to hear about my other encounters. Some liked to give me advice about how to handle various situations with one or other of my men.

Now I don't see any of them (my choice) although I have not told one of them that we are over. The situation where we are both available has not arisen so it isn't an issue, I have only made sporadic contact with him, we both have busy lives and I am sure he has found others to fill the spaces I have left, even though I have no doubts that he would make space for me again. We both know we were good together.

I have moved on from that time when I craved sexual atention more than a one to one relationship. I am going through a self induced drought. I gave up my encounters with Oxo last autumn (he has now finally given up asking me to visit him). So apart from one weekend with Harvey last November and ne afternoon when I was juped by Coach back in January I have been celibate since early September.

Since last November/December Lotto has been trying to persuade me that he really really wants me. From when we first got in contact early last year, meeting for a drink in March of that year until December 2007 I was under the impression that he was single. He had always maintained that he fancied me and wanted to do naughty things with me, but he didn't want a relationship. As I was at that time coming around to wanting a relationship I kept him on the back burner simm ering away but never coming to the boil as it were. During the last 6 months though he has been turning up the heat. we both know now that he has a g/f who apparently isn't interested in sex. I don't quite know where she fits in the picture as I know he lives alone, he doesn't seem to be with her in the evenings or weekends apart from a few weeks ago when he was texting me while she was upstairs. I have a man in my heart who I don't want to betray.

My current dilema is having two men who both turn me on, one is available but doesn't want a relationship the other does want a relationship but is never in the country. So all the time that Lotto is on the scene there is always the promise of the opportunity to end this drought with a very sexy man who keeps telling me how much he wants me. But however much he wants me I know he would just be using me to get the sexual gratification he doesn't get in his relationship.
If I was to give in to his pleas to satisfy my own sexual appetite I would be using him because even when he is turning me on with his pleas, he is not the one I trully want to be with.

Romeo on the other hand does want me as the complete woman which of course includes the sexual being that he adores. He wants the long term relationship, but isn't here, he knows there are other men in my life but he trusts me completely just as I trust him.

If I give in to the lust that Lotto brings out in me .........'god I feel so fucking horny I want to fuck you now baby' ...... just one of the text I sent him last night during our 3 hour lust up. I would be using him which I don't want to do. I would be betraying Romeo which I really don't want to do. Lotto says that isnt so as I have not yet met Romeo. Maybe we have not met but I still feel committed to him.

I could easily meet up with Lotto for a night of passion (he has just begun to chat on IM and has instantly got me aroused) and Romeo need never know, easy. But I would know. I have been thinking about this business of using. I really should stop chatting to Lotto if I don't want to have sex with him, all the time I am chatting but not going through with meeting him I am leading him on. But I can't give him up, he gives me the constant reminder that someone who has met me still finds me desirable. I don't like the idea that I am using him, but would that be so bad, he is after all just using me to get the sexual gratification he isn't getting from anywhere else. But he could get it elsewhere, he has offers from other women but it is me he wants. I tell myself to give him up, he isn't Romeo the man I really want. He doesn't really want me just sex with me. I should give him up I deserve better than one night of sex with a man who doesn't really want me. A man who gets me aroused but isn't the man I want. These two men have me all of a dither yet I have never had sex with either of them. It was so much easier when I was a lover of several, not the one and only for any.

Update

Because I have told Lotto that words excite me more than pictures he is busy right now writing me a story......apparently he is already getting himself aroused as he is writing it.