Reasons and propositions

What I didn't realise when I wrote my last post here was that I had already been dumped by Dylan only he was apparently taking the cowards way out and not telling me. A few days later when I had not heard from him since I had returned from my holiday (even though he had agreed to go to a party with me on the Saturday but didn't turn up) I wrote to him. I told him that I believe everyone enters our life for a reason. I told him I now knew he had come into my life to set me free (I didn't tell him what from). I also commented that his unexpected silence had hurt me and I hadn't expected him to do that. That was when he emailed me back thanking me for getting in contact. He was being a coward because he always finds it complicated when he tries to finish with a woman. After the detailed and thorough character assassination that followed I can undertand why he has a problem.

Considering that he is a trained councellor he seems to have more than a few issues of his own that he needs to get sorted but I won't be the one to tell him. I felt such a fool for thinking he was someone I could get on with. He might be good at getting people to open up to him (apparently it happens all the time) but he isn't good at listening, he also has a big issue with people who are not in full health (strange for someone who works with terminally ill patients). Anyway he is out of my life now and I am not sorry but I am glad that meeting him helped me to break free from Romeo at long last.

In less than a week I met Spark. This time it wasn't through the internet but through work. When I agreed to have lunch with a customer whose account I was trying to grow, I had no idea that meeting him would cause us both to find we couldn't stop thinking about each other. When he called me next day asking me to meet him for a drink (he actually left the England v Australia cricket match he was watching to see me). We were both experiencing butterflies every time we thought about each other. But there was one big obstacle to this becoming anything else. He already had a girlfriend. After that one evening that included a lot of kissing and cuddling (we both stayed fully dressed), there would only be the briefest of meetings a few days later when he told me that he was sorry to mess me about but he felt so guilty. This was good really because his situation was causing me problems anyway. But what I got from this brief distraction was that he reminded me how it feels when you meet someone who gives you butterflies. I had almost settled for 'nice' when I met Dylan. Spark reminded me that I mustn't settle for anything less than butterflies.

Since then I have been out for a drink with a friend I hadn't seen for ages, we also had dinner together last week. On the way home he mentioned that he would email me a proposition. He did email me, but found he couldn't bring himself to set out his proposition but came up with a plan. I won't go into what his plan was but I have since pointed out a few flaws in his plan. These flaws aside I have had to turn his plan down. You see he is married and I have explained that I can't become involved with a married man although I do treasure him as a friend and confidante.

Since starting this blog I have learnt a few things about myself. I am still struggling with my sexuality versus my upbringing. But I now know more about what I do and don't want. I do not want to be 'The Other woman' to any man, only 'The woman' in my man's life will do for me.

Even if I persuade myself that the married man was already looking for fun when he met me, I won't get involved because, if it was my man behaving in this way I would be devastated so I won't do the same to another woman. If the married man was able to persuade me to get involved with him, I would not be able to fully relax because my concience would get in the way. I know that I have not been whiter than white about all this over the recent years but now I know my own feelings better I won't be going down that path now or in the future.

I feel so much more content now that my path ahead has become clearer in my own mind.

I see you

I see you

I am smiling

I can’t keep the grin off my face

I see your eyes smiling back at me

I see your lips

In my mind I can taste your mouth

My body remembers the feel of you

My skin remembers the touch of you

My senses are straining for you

Our eyes meet

A smile on both our faces

My feet are taking me closer

Soon we are within touching distance

My arms long to hold you to me

All too soon I have walked passed you

I don’t look back

I know you don’t either

I can no longer see you

But you are here in my heart

The image of you etched

Deep in my memory

A smile engraved on my lips

A song in my heart

Later words are exchanged

You were surprised to see me

I had known it would happen one day

Now I am left with this image of you pushing a trolley

I know she was with you but all I could see was you

I didn’t take any notice of her just

You my precious lover

Battles

I have noticed in recent weeks that I have become more confident in myself

I have managed to bag myself a new job using my confidence as a big factor. there were three of us who were interviewed, but I managed to remain positive and confident all through the proceedure. They now tell me that the remit was to find a confident 'cheeky female' to join the team. I also managed to negotiate myself a decent pay rise with the promise to review it in six months.

I have managed to convince myself that I don't need a man to make me happy. I can be happy without a man in my life. It would however be nice to have a man to snuggle up to on a cold night. But I am learning not to sell myself short. If a man does not show me the respect I deserve then hes out the door however much I like him. Previously I would have let them treat me badly just so that I could still see them.

I would rather stay home and be lonely (but I don't feel lonely anymore) than be out with someone who treats me like a plaything.

However saying all this I am still locked in a battle. I have the opportunities to have sex almost as much as I want. Some offers are from single men and others are married men. Men like Oxo still want to see me but I made my decision that I would remain celibate unless I am in a relationship. I find it hard to keep turning him and others down. It is very flattering to be told that these men still want to see me again. I feel selfish for turning them down. I know, I know, I should not feel like this I have to do what is right for me.

It is hard enough turning down the single guys but the married ones are harder still. This should be easier as I decided ages ago that I won't get involved with any married men anymore. I am sure they think it is personal and it is them personally that I am rejecting but it is more than that. If I was married I would be devastated if my husband was seeing anyone else. I cannot do that to another woman. I went through a stage where I convinced myself that these men were out there looking for women, I didn't go looking for them. If they are going to cheat on their wives then they will do so anyway whether its with me or not so why should I miss out on them, after all I am single and can see who ever I want. But I have grown out of that. My morals have kicked back in and tell me that if I give in then I am hurting another woman even if she doesn't know about it.

Apart from not wanting to hurt other women I have another reason for staying away from married men for anything more than friendship. I don't want to play the field anymore. I want a loving relationship with someone who wants only me. Married men cannot give me this, I am not stupid enough to think that any of the married men I know are going to fall deeply in love with me and leave their wife for me, so that would make me the other woman and I want to be 'The One' not the 'other one'.

memory full

the memory on my mobile is full so I have been going through it deleting messages

here is a selection before they are gone forever

ok look forward to any meeting with u x will try and get sorted for a chat soon x (10/06/07)

Hello u ;-) where have you been babe. you dropped off the planet x (03/07/07)

:-( damn! Never mind babe, you know im here when you're free. just call me x (03/07/07)

I did enjoy you and would like that again (04/07/07)

Great. Only I would get a txt saying 'I dont want a shag' in the early hours. Twas ever thus..... (05/07/07)

I think fuckwits are like the poor - always with us. Nothing much to be done. (05/07/07)

Well no I was asleep (05/07/07)

You know where to come to get that boredom relieved babe ;-) x (05/07/07)

Dont tell me you're alone now? what a waste I could have those legs on my shoulders right now, easing in and out of a very wet hole! You need to get the kids to vacate the house during the day lol ;-) (05/7/07)

And to you! Good day lined up? I might have a blog meet! (06/07/07)

wickedly funny, isn't it....;) (07/07/07)

Oh yes. I have a flogger if you are interested.... (07/07/07)

:( - did he say how serious? (10/07/07)

It is a rarity in these parts! Had a very strange offer today, to go and gang bang someones wife in local woods whilst it is being filmed lol. it takes all sorts! (11/07/07)

So you do ....Coming back to earth now. Get ready. (12/07/07)

Hey you .. Don't be upset. Pet? No way! Talk later? (13/07/07)

Am I good in your latest fantasy lol ;-) x (13/07/07)

Looking forward to friday x x (31/07/07)

Mmmm very high praise indeed. I do like to please and we do have great sex together ;-) (02/08/07)

Thanks babe, see you in a few hours ;-) x (03/08/07)

It was a pleasure :) (03/08/07)

On way back to uk after two weeks with no internet x (04/08/07)

I always cum babe ;-) I know what you mean. was good to see you again x (06/08/07)

An aprilla tuono. why? (30/08/07)

Thats enough now ............I had forgotten about so many of those text and the ones that went with them that I haven't posted.......but they sure brought back some memories.
I just wonder if you can work out who any of them were sent by. let me see there were a total of 6 men I think (4 read this blog). Not many people have the number for this phone.

men

I am unhappy, I am sad, I feel empty, I am miserable
There, I said it, I admit that I feel miserable
Today I sent an email, one that I really didn’t want to write let alone send.
As much as I really like him both as a friend and a lover
It just wasn’t working
I would have liked to have seen him much more often
But I could cope with the infrequency of our being together.
The reason I have given up is the spasmodic communication.
This is all I am going to say about this

Today I have thought about other men in my life
Last night I had a chat via msn with JJ about our plans for a spanking session
This spanking session is with the expectations of him being highly sexually aroused while I have to remain un aroused with much temptation being placed in my way to persuade me to be bad which in turn would lead to further punishment. This chat was continued via phone as I later lay in my bed playing, as he listened to my moans he was describing what he will do to me and how my wrists will be bound and my eyes blind folded to heighten my experience.

There is another man in my life who is planning to spank me. We are friends and I trust him. This is not intended to be a sexual event. This will be a very different experience for me. There is no talk of arousal, more of implements and rituals.

Today I text a married lover. When I decided to stop playing the field I told all my lovers that I would not see them anymore, all that is except this one. I just couldn’t bare to give up this one lover. The one I have referred to as my Passionate lover. He is married as I say and when I first met him he was playing around with other women. Months ago he told me that he just didn’t have the time to play around anymore but he would always make time for me. As it happens we have not been able to find the time to see each other since February. He comes here to me as I refuse to go to his home although that would have been easier. It has been difficult as there always seemed to be one of the kids home or I had to go out. Then I was ill, soon after this #2 son finished school, now I am working in the daytime. He works nights. I have not been in touch with him for a couple of months. But today I felt a need to connect with him. He says he had wondered where I had disappeared to. It was good to exchange text for a while. He still wants to see me and is pleased that I still want to see him. I can’t see this happening before September which is torture but at least I know we both still want it.

I have also had various chats recently with my ex b/f on msn. Each time I end up wondering why I bother. Without fail he makes me want to hit him. He can be so childish, irritating and damn right rude. He always ends up being insulting to me. Yes I know I should block him. One of the things he often asks is if I have any new pictures. This man thinks nothing of insulting me but wants pictures of my body. He never believes me that I have no new photos. In fact there are only two new pictures of me and only one person other than me has seen them and that’s the man who took them on his phone then later sent them to me. (unless he has shown them to anyone which I doubt).

I confess

Sir must I stay in the corner?

You must stay as you are until I am satisfied you have confessed all

yes Sir

stand with your feet apart and your hands flat upon the wall ahead of you.

keep your eyes on your hands as you speak

Now you may begin

yes Sir

It was 10.30am on Friday morning.

Come to my office for coffee he had said giving me the address.

I park my car a little further up the road then brolly in one hand and folder under my other arm I step carefully up to the door and press the bell.

A moment later there he is holding the door open for me to enter as he continues his business call. He motions for me to take a seat on the sofa. As he continues talking to his client he signals that he is making tea and disappears into his kitchen.

A moment later and he is sat beside me on his sofa, still talking to his client with his hand resting on my knee just at the hem of my tight blue pinstripe skirt.

Almost as soon as his call is over he leans over and kisses me. He can’t keep his hands off my legs trying to creep up under my skirt. He turns his attention to my sheer white blouse, where the upper buttons are trying to burst open at my cleavage. With a little help my breasts are soon spilling out of my white lacy bra. He kneels before me burying his face in my cleavage. His hands sliding inside my skirt, he doesn’t have much room inside the tight material as it clings to my thighs. He removes my black high heeled court shoes from my feet. Then moving slowly from my feet up my legs to my knees he pushes my skirt up to my waist. Grabbing my thighs he pulls me onto the floor with him. My blouse open exposing my creamy white breasts, my skirt pushed up to my waist I am exposed for his eyes to gaze upon. As I look around me I see the family pictures on the wall. The hamster in his cage just inches from my shoulder.

This should not be happening I know that, he knows that, but he just cannot help himself. He kneels between my thighs dipping his head to taste me. His sighs of delight tell me all that I need to know. He is trapped, he cannot now escape he is mine. I can make him do as I please. He fucks me there on his living room floor, he finds me irresistible in my secretaries outfit. He later text me that he finds me so sweet to smell and taste he needs to see me again soon.


Sir I confess that this my first married man has left me with a taste for more.