my mother

Recently I have mentioned my mother a few times. I have decided to reveal what a wonderful woman she is and a great help to me.

My mother is an incredible woman. By the time she was 21 my mother had 2 children with a third on the way. I was the eldest with two younger brothers. As soon as I started school aged 5 my mother went back out to work (not the norm in those days). My father was an intelligent man but had no ambition. He also had no direction and wondered from one job to another. I have no idea how many different jobs he had during my early years. To make ends meet my mother worked as a secretary. When I was 7 my mother went to work as a secretary for a local government solicitor. Not long after this she went back to college part time took more A levels to add to those she had gained at Brentwood Girls Grammar School. Her boss was very encouraging and she then began to study Law and became a Legal Executive. 5 years of studying followed this doing a sandwich coursein Law. This was just prior to the system changed and all Law students had to be University graduates. By this time my parent’s marriage had changed, I don’t know how open my parents were with each other, it was never discussed with us children obviously. But I was sure my father was having affairs. My mother had male friends some of whom I met over the years. But it never occurred to me at the time that these men were my mother’s boyfriends.

What I didn’t know at the time was that my mother had begun a long term affair with her college professor. This lasted 10 years until he died of a heart attack. My mother later explained to me that these relationships had given her the strength to remain in the marriage with my father. In 1976 my mother qualified as a solicitor. We were all in our teens by then so it couldn’t have been easy for her to work and study whilst bringing up 3 teenagers.

My mother stayed in local government and moved up through sheer hard work and determination until she became ‘The Solicitor’ to the council. Whilst managing to maintain such a demanding role she also studied at the open university achieving a BA in the history of Art.

A few years ago she took a well deserved retirement. But that wasn’t the end of all her hard work. She worked as a councillor for the Citizens Advice Bureau a couple of days a week. She joined the committee for the women’s refuge. Joined her local church and a Women’s Institute group, of which she is an active member. She is also a member of the local Rotary Club. Whilst doing all this she was making regular trips to visit her aged father who was caring for his partner who had back problems coupled with alzheimers and diabetes. They lived some 40 miles away. Until 2 ½ years ago when My grandfather’s partner was taken into hospital dying from cancer. I took my turns at taking him to visit her in hospital. After she died my mother spent far more time with her father often staying over night once or twice a week. All this is very commendable for anyone but on top of this my mother was diagnosed 17 years ago with multiple sclerosis. She has been lucky that she has not had many instances of ill health the worst being after the early death of my father 12 yrs ago when she had to deal with his funeral and the disposal of his business.

She was my rock (along with my children) when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2001. Even though she was devastated at the thought of possibly losing her daughter, she was there for me. She took turns with my husband in taking me to hospital for my daily treatment of radiotherapy, even though she was working full time in such a responsible position.

Through out my divorce she was there for me, she never once encouraged me to get divorced, more the opposite. But once she knew that I was determined she helped me as much as she could. When I lost my job a year ago she helped me as much as she could with food petrol and bills until my benefits were sorted out which took 3 months !!! At the same time she was helping both my brothers to buy decent cars for their families. Its funny how both of them are quite happy to hold their hands out and ask her for money. Where she is more than happy to help me and my boys I would rather stand on my own two feet and only accept her help when I have to.

For years my mum has had problems with her right leg partly down to the MS but also as she had a crooked knee. Her leg went to one side instead of being straight. In January this year she was admitted to hospital to have a knee replacement operation, they also straightened and re-seated her knee cap. Whilst she has been on crutches I have had the use of her car (yippee it has power steering and central locking unlike my car which my son has been driving). In return for keeping her car running for her, I have been doing all her fetching and carrying for the last couple of months. Carrying things up or down the stairs for her, picking up the many things she has managed to drop on the floor.

I have got a problem I need you to sort out….I have dropped rice on my kitchen floor.

There has also been ….cherry stones, grapes, blueberries, raisins, various tissues and bits of paper, potatoes…..I’m sure she does it on purpose.

At the weekend after I had been round once (we live on opposite sides of the town) she phoned me.

I need your help urgently can you come now please…….the outside drain has got blocked there is water everywhere.

Over the last week she has become depressed as she doesn’t feel that she has made the progress she should be making. Her knee is not as painful as it has been for years but she cannot walk on it. Many people at this stage are on one crutch if not none. She still needs both. Today I took her to see her consultant for her post op appointment. He has now assured her that there is nothing to worry about she has had far more work done on her knee than other people have. Plus where she has had problems with her leg for years her muscles have to learn how to walk again. I have managed to get her booked in for physiotherapy from next week to help her.

I love my mother and we have always been very close but she can also be very annoying. I know I am intelligent but at the same time I know my limitations and I know I am not as clever as my mum. For years I felt guilty for not aspiring to her level of achievement. I always felt that I had let her down by not being a career woman. My mother is a very kind and gentle woman but if she has something to say she says it or at least to me she does. We have never had a history of fights and have only ever fallen out once (when I crashed her car not long after I passed my test 20+ years ago). But there are times I have felt resentful of the things she has criticised me for. Like at the age of 25 she kept insisting that I was too old for long hair. Now she tells me that she doesn’t like my clothes, I shouldn’t put colour in my hair. I shouldn’t date men. She has a habit of making these remarks then she worries about trying to run my life for me and I’m a grown up now and she should keep quiet. Now I just say what I always did anyway. I listen to what she says then I do what ever I want to do. Whether, she would approve or not.
Last week I mentioned to her that I intend to meet some other bloggers (she knows I do one but not what is on it), in London at the end of March. She has been very vocal about that. She feels that London has changed since the days when I worked there, it is a dangerous place and I shouldn’t go. How would she cope with my boys if I get myself killed. I am sure she knows that although I take on board what she says ….I shall go anyway.

Although we are very close I don’t think my mother knows me as well as I know her. But when all is said and done I wouldn’t be without her I just don’t need her to know everything I do.