how I told him ................'No'

I have given this much thought even before Tuesday evening when you mentioned a proposition. I know that if I were to decide to 'take the plunge' you would treat me exceptionally well and as you say we would have fun. But as you have rightly guessed this would be a path that I am not going to take. I have in the past been involved to a degree with married men as you know ie SL. But that was quite a while ago.

I learnt a few things from that, about myself as much as anything else. I learnt that the times that I feel the most lonely are weekends and holidays, the times when married men are busy with family. I also realised that being 'the other woman' is not what I want. Because I would much rather be 'The Woman' in my man's life. When I first agreed to meet a married man (I had originally said 'single men only') I managed to persuade myself that it was ok because the married man/men was/were already looking for fun anyway so why should I miss out because they are married. But my concience got the better of me. This/these man/men belonged to someone else. If I was with someone who started playing around with someone else I would be devastated (I do believe in fidelity) so I couldn't do it to someone else.

A few months ago I decided to try having an affair with a married man (a surgeon) but I only met him a few times before I had to call it off because it wasn't what I wanted. He was really sweet about it and said he wasn't suprised. I am really flattered that you want me so much even after so long. (I still don't get why me, even if I do know I am fabulous). What is it that you see in me that others don't?

Your plan as I said had at least 3 flaws that I spotted right away.

1. Yes I was busy (two boys moving out within a week)
2. Even my super powers don't help me to remember your address or how to get there (as I didn't drive there myself) after all this time.
3. Even if I was willing to make love to a married man I wouldn't do so in his marital home (his wife's home)...........last time I was mistakenly under the impression that you were seperated. (I get that it is convenient and more comfortable than an office or a car but to me it would be violating that woman's home).

I hope you can understand where I stand and why I can't take this path however tempting it would be. If I did agree to give it a try I would be letting myself down. This hasn't been a quick and easy decision, I have given it a lot of thought, weighing up the benefits against my ethics and find that I just can't break my own rules. However good it would be, it would be soured by my own inner conflict. I wouldn't be able to be completely relaxed. Furthermore it would get in the way of my ability to find 'Mr Right'. How could I look someone in the eye telling them that I believe in fidelity if I am or have been having an affair with a married man.

As you rightly say I do want our friendship to continue and I would hate to hurt your feelings, but I couldn't live with myself if I follow the path you want to take. I have a lot of respect for you, I treasure your friendship and enjoy our evenings together but I can't take it any further.