Lust or respect

I have been thinking about him quite a bit recently and I am not sure this can go on. He hurt me in the past when he wanted me as his sex toy but I wanted him to want me for me. I vowed then that I would never see him again. But gradually he won me around. He began inviting me round to his place for a cup of tea but the tea was never finished. The kissing always began as soon as I got through the door.

The kissing always led to more .....led to his bed even.

When we first met (face to face that is) after chatting as friends for 6 months he knew all about my experimenting. He knew about all the guys I had met. But he also knew that I had decided to give up experimenting, that I wanted a steady relationship. I had resisted meeting him for months but when we did meet wow I was besotted. He asked me why I had changed my mind. I thought he meant why had I changed my mind about meeting him. I had always known we would meet eventually so I hadn't changed my mind at all.

I later realised he had been asking me why I had changed my mind about being friends with benefits. (I hadn't but he thought I had). After several fraught but passionate months (passionate on my part) we parted company. I had told him several times that I didn't want to be his sex toy. But that is exactly what I was, what I was again when we began meeting up the second time around. Although this second time I was able to keep my heart protected, I distanced my heart from the physical relationship we were having.

Then he moved, sold his house, rendering him unable to keep up our rendevouz. It has been 18 months now since we were last together. We still chat, usually on Windows Live Messenger, I log in to look at my emails at lunchtime. He starts to chat, sometimes daily other times a week or more goes by. Sometimes we send text messages on our mobile phones.

Recently I was invited to Munich in September to meet a group of online friends during Oktoberfest.I asked him if he would like to go with me. I have no idea what made me ask him, it seemed like a good idea at the time. He can't go, he already has plans for that weekend...I told him no worries it was just an idea.

'A good idea '

Last week I was trying to track my son's flight as he set off on his latest adventure. The flight wasn't showing up so I checked his face book page for any news. There wasn't any so I tried the facebook page of his travel companion. From there I followed links that led me to him. I had never tried to find him before even though I had known there were links between us. It only took me a few minutes to find him. Not on facebook but an image on google. I had not seen the image before but it was definitely him. I gazed at that photo several times over the next few days remembering his kisses, how it had felt to be held in his arms. The feel of his hands clutching my hair.

I even began letting myself imagine how it would be if we were more than just friends with benefits. But then I came to my senses. I know he only talks to me when he is feeling horny, even if 95% of our conversations are non sexual.

I know he likes talking to me about any number of things but I also know that he doesn't respect me. He finds me sexy, but he doesn't find me worthy of his love only his lust. This in itself means that he is not worthy of my love.

In recent days I have been mulling over whether I should just stop having any contact with him. I rarely initiate contact, maybe I should tell him to stop contacting me. First I have to decide whether I want to keep him as a friend but at a distance or cut him out of my life. I have not come to a decision yet. I know he cares about me, has done for the last 5 years almost, but is caring enough reason to continue a friendship based on lust.

It has been several weeks since we last chatted on Live Messenger so I was amazed to see a message from him today, not just amazed but gobsmacked..........

Right now I really need your fingers around my b***s and your mouth around my c**k.

OMG

I can't believe you said that!

It was very unexpected to see these words on my screen whilst I was at work. He said that he had been remembering how it felt. He told me that I am very good at it. Maybe but it was still unexpected. The conversation then moved on to other things but it didn't matter. As flattering as it is to be told that even after such a length of time he still feels the need to tell me how good I made him feel. It just underlines the fact that he sees me as a sex object not as a mature woman that he respects. If he doesn't respect me then there is no future for my friendship with Forest.

Should I tell him how I am feeling, tell him to show me that he does respect me or I am off. Or do I just say nothing and let him fade from my life. (That is what I have been doing with both Plumber and Sailor).

I am a bad girl

I just clicked on here on my way to LIR and realised how long it has been since I last posted on here. I have been such a bad girl.

I shouldn't have neglected this blog for so long ............actually in truth I have thought about it many times but just couldn't summon enough enthusiasm to conjure up a post that was good enough.

For months now work has been hectic leaving me very tired, too tired to keep this blog upto date. I have felt a tinge of guilt but not enough to rouse myself into doing anything about it.

Noticing that my last post was about the party I attended at the swingers club reminds me of all the naughty things I have not told you about.

I was going to make this post about all the naughty things I have got upto but thinking about it that would not be fair, I would either have to make this post intolerably long or not do justice to all my various adventures.

Instead I am going to bullet post them and you can let me know which you most want to read about in which order. I hope that is fair.

1. group social with approx 20 people from the swingers site ......ending up in gay bar
2. private party for 7 in a haunted hotel
3. second party at swingers club ~ meeting crazy guy
4. second party at haunted hotel this time for 12 (inc both plumber and sailor)
   
5. first foursome with plumber (should actually be No. 2 if doing this cronologically)

Let me know which of these you most want to read about and I will do my best to satisfy you.

Party time

There is a place further down the motorway that I had heard from several people was known to host adult parties. A few weeks ago I noticed on a forum that there was going to be a party there a few days before my birthday. I mentioned it to Plumber to see if we could go. He said no. I don't think it was because he didn't want to go, he had told me once before that he would love to go. (He was one of the people who had told me about it.) His excuse was that it was too expensive. Either he was making excuses or he had been misinformed. (£35 per couple is not expensive)

A few weeks ago I met a new man (Sailor) who had been to a couple of these parties and offered to take me. We did go to the party it was a night of firsts for me. My first ever visit to a dungeon (it was one of my favourite rooms) I was well and truly done on one of the spanking benches ......oh and on the other one too. It was the first time I have been fucked with an audience........and yes it did turn me on not that it would have taken much anyway. It was also the first time I have been fucked on a bed with another couple fucking on another bed in the same room with other people watching .....this room not only has no door but there are peep holes in the wall.

But my favourite thing of all (ok maybe not my favourite that might just be the spanking bench) was the jacuzzi. I have never been in one before.....yes I know I lead a sad sheltered life. Not being totally comfortable with stripping off completely in front of others I waited until it was almost empty. Sailor followed me in a few minutes later after he realised where I was. I was really enjoying the relaxing warm bubbles sat on the highest seat with one leg resting across Sailors lap and my other leg across the lap of a young man who just wanted to spend the whole night in there so long as there was a constant supply of beer and cigarettes. He quite happily stroked my leg but otherwise kept his hands to himself.

Sailor however was having an attack of wondering handitis.....he suffers from this very frequently (in public as well as in private). It wasn't much of a suprise to me to find that his fingers were playing with my pussy among the jets of warm water. That didn't last too long though as he soon left the jacuzzi. The guy who had been sat next to him soon scooted into his place and began to caress my leg. I could feel his fingers inching along my inner thigh until they reached my lips. I didn't say anything just moved slightly in my seat so that his fingers were right on target. He smiled and began idly fingering my pulsing pussy. What could I do? it wouldn't be polite to ignore him so I reached down into his lap and began stroking his erection. He looked like he was enjoying that, I was soon into a good rhythm wanking him below the surface, now and again giving his balls a fondle too. Unfortunately I needed the loo and had to dash through the house dressed only in a short towel. When I returned he had gone. But I still had the young lad for company. We were both enjoying being in there with occasional visits from others.

It was almost 3am when I found Sailor trying to stay awake on one of the many leather sofas. So I dressed and we went home. I am hoping to go again to another party.

In the morning Plumber was online............he said to me that he thought I might have been out the night before. Thinking that he must have noticed I wasn't online I casually asked

what makes you say that?

It turns out that he had been out to several pubs with his mate, finishing up at a pub I went to a few weeks ago with my friend Jane, we had also been to one of his band's gigs there. He thought we might have been there. Which reminds me that Jane sent me some jokes whilst I was at the party..........I have not replied yet, I must do that.

Toy shopping

We had been planning this all week. Checking out the website deciding where to go, the one in The Other City stays open an hour longer than the one in The City, plus he was sure he wouldn't see anyone who recognised him. (Not to worry that it is only a stone throw from my son's Uni Halls).

As we drove slowly along the street (this street has a reputation for its profession) I saw a doorway discreetly proclaiming the name of the place we were looking for. Parking the car we made sure we remove everything from sight..........there were signs proclaiming
'Remove your belongings or someone else will'.

The area is a bit of an ethnic melting pot resulting in a variety of shops we don't see in my town. We found the doorway and quickly stepped inside. We were the only customers as many visitors had stayed away due to the football match at the nearby stadium that shares its name with the street we were in. (there was a very large police presence in the area).

Inside the store was brightly lit, the man behind the counter was friendly enough but left us to browse in our own time. We giggled at some of the things we saw and gasped at the sight of others. There were things there that I pretended not to be interested in and others that I am just not ready to take an active interest in. There were racks of magazines and a whole seperate room dedicated to DVD's but we didn't give these more than a glance. There were items there that I might be interested in but not yet. There were yet more items that might be of interest but are just not suitable for me.

After about half an hour I made my selection, the man behind the counter suggested a slightly better version of the same item but I decided to stick with my original choice. I liked the colour and texture better plus the size is more appropriate for me. We made our get away into the afternoon sun just in time to miss the football fans spilling out at the end of the match.

On our way out of The Other City we stopped to explore a new store that I hadn't been to before, I was amazed as it is on a site where SF worked for a few years, I had no idea that the place had been revamped. We had fun trying out the sofas and chairs. (some of them I needed help to get out of as my feet didn't reach the floor). Then there was the chair that made me shriek in suprise when I was about to try standing up when it shot out and back with no warning.

A quick visit to Tesco to pick up a bottle of my favourite spiced rum and pepsi max, then back to his place with fish and chips. Whilst he was sorting out the food I was unpacking my new toy trying (without my reading glasses) to see which way the six tiny batteries go in. It took the pair of us several minutes to get it sorted. Then it was time to try the seven yes 7 different settings.

We were both suprised how noisy it was. I had assumed it would be virtually silent but it was quite loud. I was also suprised that there is only one button for the 7 settings so you have to go through the cycle. You can't just select the setting you want which I think would have been more fun but then I guess the controller would be much bigger.

Finally we had our first proper play whilst laying on the bed. I wasn't sure if I would be able to get full use of my new toy but I needn't have worried it fitted quite well. He had plenty of fun playing with the controls especially while I was making a meal of his cock, concentrating on what I was doing forgetting it was stil there untill the vibrations suddenly began to pulse inside me. we played with my other new toys too but this one that he had bought me is going to be a favourite.

We were both a little disappointed with the shop, it was quite an anti climax after we had been looking forward to it all week. There wasn't as great a variety as we had hoped and we thought a lot of it looked cheap and plastic. But we enjoyed our afternoon/night together anyway.

Giving in to temptation

For months he tempted and cajoled me. For months I procrastinated. Finally I made up my mind. I am going to be a good girl, not playing around, no giving in to temptation. I told him that I would never see him again. After all apart from that one drink so long ago, he was just a name on my screen or on my phone. There is no emotional tie, no physical person to give up, just words.

He accepted my decision but asked to meet for dinner (nothing else) just to say goodbye. He told me not to be dressed like the sexy woman he knows me to be. He didn’t want me to tempt him.

I knew as I was driving to the hotel that we would not keep our hands off each other but still we kept up the pretense. He ordered our drinks and we found a quiet table in the corner to sit and chat. Once we had finished our drinks he invited me back to his room for tea. As we walked side by side across the carpark, through reception and up the stairs, still chatting about unimportant things, I knew. I was ready for him, I had been anticipating this moment for so long, I could feel the scrap of material between my thighs getting damper by the minute.

Once we were through the door of his room he led me by the hand to the sofa. Sitting together thighs touching, he kissed me for the first time. I was willing his kisses to be good but not as good as Romeo's. His hand holding my head to him as his kisses became more urgent. Shifting my weight so that I could throw my leg across his lap. The invitation he couldn’t ignore, my throbbing pussy screaming at him to accept the invite. Slowly he slides his hand up my leg enjoying the feel of the nylon I had worn especially for him (even though it was a hot summer evening).

Taunting me he deliberately takes his time getting to his goal, he wants to savour this moment, but I can’t take this any more, I need to get to the reason I am here. grabbing his wrist I direct his hand inside my skirt pushing his fingers towards the wet fabric, pressing it against my pussy. His kisses more urgent for just a moment longer before he pulls away to remove my clothes. My discarded top is quickly followed by the unclasping of my bra. Allowing the twin pendulums to be touched, kissed, licked and sucked. He has waned these babies for so long. But he only gives them a couple of minutes attention before he pulls me to my feet, tugging on my skirt until it pools around my feet. He moves to sit on the edge of the bed bringing me with him. He is pleased that I wore tights under my skirt. His fantasy involves tights more than stockings. I had considered not wearing anything under my tights but that would make it look like I had come prepared to have sex with him.

He is sitting naked apart from his black boxers as I stand before him, his fingers playing with each part of my body at his will. I am completely compliant to his will, whatever he wants I will do, he is my master for the time we are together. He is soon ready to pull me down beside him on the bed, he crawls between my legs playing with the damp nylon that covers my modesty. He looks at me with a question in his eye and grins like the cat that got the cream when I nod my agreement. He wastes no time ripping open the crotch of my tights. This is what he has wanted to do to me for a year or more, his fingers find their way through the ripped threads, pushing aside my lace panties he has his fingers inside me at last.

Since that first time he told me he wanted to do this my pussy has ached for him. My resistance has kept us from fulfilling this fantasy for 12 months at least but here he is pressing, pulling, playing with my pussy as though it was an instruent and he the accomplished musician. That first touch of his naked skin on my hot pulsating lips brought the first trickle of juice flowing out of me. For soetime he played me, teasing trickle after trickle from my willing body. As each orgasm had me arching my back in breathless pleasure. One hand gripping the bedding by the handful the other firmly gripping his cock as he lay on his side, feet on the pillows and head by my thighs. He brings me off time and time again, such sweet release after all this wanting and resisting. When I have no more to give him he moves back to my side kissing and caressing me until hunger gets the better of both of us, quickly dressing we go off in search of the restaurant.

We had no plans to see each other again but just to make sure I deleted him from my contacts both online and on my phone. He did try to contact me a few months ago but once I realised who it was I didn't reply. Not that I am not attracted to him but because I was, I felt so guilty at having given in to his temptations when I did.

Bad boy

I have been chatting to Thomas again today. I have been naughty in that I have not been naughty. When we last chatted I promised that I would write him an email detailing my plans for him. During the years we have been chatting and emailing I have played the submissive to his Dominant character. But now things have changed, now he wishes to be submissive to me.

My task is to explain how he will be subjugated. This is a very empowering idea that he will be controlled and invaded. I can make any demands that I please and he will be very willing to satisfy my every command.

This evening I have been doing a little research. You might wonder how I could be researching my domination of my sweet, gentle, lustful subject. Easy.........first I checked out one or two relevant blogs for hints and ideas. Then I changed to sex toys for some ideas of toys and restraints.


I have created a small wish list which if you are interested you can view here. Although there are also many gorgeous vibrators on the lelo site too, I wonder if you can work out which one I have my eye on.

My bad boy deserves only the very best, I wouldn't want to fail him in his subjugation, after all he is putting himself in my hands, even if this is at the moment only our mutual fantasy.

Be prepared

I gather you enjoy anal is that true?

Yes

This was how the evening began as Martin leaned in for his first kiss since he had arrived 2 minutes earlier. Dinner was in the slow cooker, the wine was in the fridge cooling and we were just beginning to heat up. As we stood side by side arranging the beautiful flowers he had just given me, I could feel Martin’s breath on my neck and his hands on my hips. Turning slowly in his arms I returned his kiss as his hands deftly untied my comfy old toweling robe. The luxurious red now faded with age, watching his face as he slid the warm robe off my shoulders to reveal the black and gold basque with matching thong and seamed stockings. Martin’s eyes lighting up.

mmmmm baby I see you are ready for some fun tonight.

I’m not sure how we got there in the heat of our passionate kisses and mutual fondling, but we made our way to my bed with its fresh ivory satin sheets. Collapsing in a heap as our hungry hands and mouths tore at each other until I was stopped by the sudden sting as Martin’s hand made contact with my almost bare bum as he landed the first slap. That was it the challenge had been made. We fought like a pair of cats wrestling and sliding on the slippery surface as we grappled with any body parts we could get hold of. Pulling on his tie I held his face to mine as I kissed him so very deeply while my free hand fumbled with his belt. But his superior strength soon had the better of me and I was on my back panting and helpless under his weight.

Tell me

Tell me what you want bitch

what did you call me?

Bitch, you are my bitch and you know it or do you prefer me to call you my dirty slut.

Biting my ear my neck he continues to hiss

You are my bitch on heat and you want me to fuck you, tell me how I am going to fuck you.

Holding both my wrists above my head in one of his large hands, his right hand between my thighs, tugging my thong to one side as he plunges two fingers into my wet aching cunt.

Just fuck me you bastard, that's why you’re here isn’t it?

You want me to fuck you then you can beg for it bitch

But he knows I am too stubborn, he knows I won’t beg. Instead I clamp my mouth and my legs shut. No amount of persuasion is going to make me beg not whilst I am feeling this wild passion. Begging is reserved for our other game when I am submissive to him. But tonight is not one of those nights. I knew that when I got his text earlier.

Be prepared to be arse fucked

So I knew it was only going to be a matter of time. Martin was not like other guys who had wanted to force their cock into my tense bumhole as I knelt on my hands and knees. The searing pain as though I was on fire, unbearable, unwelcome. Why did they all feel the need to try this, as far as I knew none of the women I knew ever managed to have anal. All those porn stars that did it in the films and photos in men's magazines they were not natural. It wasn’t right. But my Martin he was different, he showed me another way.

He flips me over onto my belly as though I’m as light as a feather. Breathing into the pillow to relax I feel Martin shift his weight as he reaches for the bottle of tingle lube. The sudden coldness as he spreads its cool wetness around my bumhole. Breathing deeply legs still closed but relaxed as I lay flat on my belly Martin eases himself into my bum as his fingers search under me for my wet clit. The electric shot shots through me as my clit pulses. The exquisite pain in my arse becomes pleasure as slowly Martin eases his length in and out of me. Ah now this is the pleasure I have been dreaming about all day as I waited for my husband to return from the office. Pushing my pelvis as deep into the mattress as I can forcing his fingers into my cunt as he pumps my arse what better anniversary present could a girl wish for. I can just see the expression of lust mixed with satisfaction on my husbands face as I squint up at the mirror behind the headboard. The look of agony and pleasure as I cum over his balls as he releases his sperm into my aching arse.

Collapsing together in contentment I am glad dinner won’t be ready for a while yet.

a valentines day to remember

As valentines day dawned I knew there would be no cards, flowers or chocolates for me. I didn't care. I am happy as I am, I have my health, my family (suprise visis from both older boys) work is good and I have my friends. I no longer crave the intimacy of a relationship......that doesn't mean that one wouldn't be welcome.

I had planned a day of action but waking on this chilly grey day I was not inclined to leave my cosy bed in a hurry. I went to get a cup of tea and ended up cooking myself beans on wholemeal toast with cheese and fried egg. Taking a tray with my breakfast and mug of tea I made my way back to bed. I don't remember my last cooked breakfast let alone eating it in bed. Settling down with my laptop I was quite content. Time flew by, but not to worry there was nothing that I had to do.

During the week I had received a new email from Thomas aka my knight, I was just thinking that I really ought to get my mind around my reply. It had to be good, it had to be imaginative, it had to be worthy of him. He writes such hot and dirty emails. To my suprise Thomas came online, this is a very rare occurrence these days since I began working full time. After an initial chat he had to go for his dinner but it wasn't long before his return.

This time we chatted for 2 hours, with the usual amount of mutual admiration, some memories of past events revisited and some new memories created (in our minds at least). Our chat was becoming so steamy that it had me reaching for my vibrator. This in turn created even greater arousal for both of us.

Who needs flowers, chocolates or cards when I can have a 2 hour session in the comfort of my bed with someone as gentle and yet as hot and filthy as the object of my lust, Thomas. There is only one thing that could have topped this, to have been doing everything we talked about for real.

later he sent me an email basically thanking me for a wonderful afternoon of intimacy.

It was glorious to have you so close and torture to be so far from your touch your scent your wetness and your rude beautiful mind.

I lust you so much and want to make you cum over and over and drench me in you gushing climaxes........................

I want to feel your soft luxurious mouth upon my cock and watch you enjoy filling it with my spunk. Kiss me my darling and let me savour the taste of my lust for you.

Then go to sleep in each others arms and wake to find one another intimately again...................

Bless you and thank you.

This was my valentines day and I don't regret one moment of it.

2010 and beyond

Its been a while since I wrote anything here. Suddenly I find myself fired up to write, perhaps its the extended holiday and feeling relaxed but once this post is complete (I still don't know what this post will be about) I will have written a post on each and every one of my blogs except the diet one which I have forgotten how to access.

I guess part of the reason I have not been writing very much in recent months has been a lack of new interesting things to write. I still have financial difficulties but for the most part my life is anxt free. I am more relaxed, have enjoyed more family time, less adventures and tales of wantoness (is that a word?).

Maybe that sounds as though my life is all family and nothing else but that isn't the case. There is no special man in my life but there are 4 men who feature in my life more than others. These four musketeers are all dear friends who I enjoy spending time with. Forest has been in my life for more than three years, first as a friend then lover before being relegated back to friend status. However he asked to be upgraded back to lover back in the spring of 2009. (its odd to think it is now 2010). I refer to him as my occassional indulgence because that is exactly what he has become. We indulge in mutual satisfaction from time to time probably on average about once every 2 months although it can be twice in one month or once in 3 months.

He is a wonderful lover but we also enjoy non sexual conversations too. I suprise myself at some of the topics we discuss. Of the four he is the one I have known longest. Next is Mr Green, we are friends, we mostly communicate via text or email. Every few months we have a flurry of text/emails along the vein of ......how are you whats been going on in your life. This leads to mutual agreement that we must meet up soon for a drink. Sometimes this happens but often life gets in the way. He has been like a mentor for me, giving me advice on work, men and life. He listens to my thoughts feelings and opinions without making me feel either stupid or inferior. There was a bit of a glitch a few months ago when his crush on me took over his good sense but once I made it clear that ours is purely a platonic friendship we settled back into just that.

During the first half of 2008 I became friends with LV, we spend occassional afternoons having lunch together and recently visited the German Market in Southampton. The nice thing about being friends with LV is that we can keep each other company and prevent each of us becoming reclusive in our own little worlds. We care about each other's welfare. He has had a tough time in the last 6 months. I try to brighten his world a little but not sure how much good I can do for him. He is a very generous friend who likes to help those he cares about, but feels let down by those who should care about him. I wish I could do more to cheer him up.

Most recently I met Plumber in the early part of 2009. This was a very passionate affair in the early months but by the summer had dwindled to infrequent conversations and evenings together. Partly due to my quest to meet someone on a less casual basis than he wants but also our inability to mate successfully. During the time he has been in my life he has been very good to/for me. Not least of all obtaining and fitting my dishwasher, but lovely meals out showing me the range of venues our county has to offer. Moonlit evenings watching the boats passing along our local coast or up on a hill listening for sheep and owls under starry skies encircled in his arms.

Like I said there is no special man in my life right now. I don't mind that as I am happy in myself right now. I feel that there will be new love in my life when the time is right. I am not trying to force that to happen but shall be ready when it does. In the mean time I shall be embarking on new ventures (although I am not currently 100% sure what those will be). I intend that 2010 will be a year of action rather than non action.

are you lonely

Tonight just after logging onto my laptop a chat window opened and the following conversation followed. When this man chatted to me a couple of weeks ago I made it quite clear that I didn't want to talk sex as I didn't feel we knew each other well enough. Once he realised he was not going to get anywhere if he continued trying to get me to 'stimulate' him he made his excuses and signed off. I had heard nothing more from him until tonight. Somehow I just don't think he is getting the message.

giu
hello
u ok
yes fine just puzzled
why huni
giu ?
mike says:
meant to have been hi fat fingers
charming
no the hi
oh
i got fat fingers
oh ok thought you were calling me fat fingers
no silly
you had any dates yet
no not been looking really
would you like to hold and kiss
possibly
im free and in need of cuddle
oh is that because its friday?
y u say that
because it was a friday the last time you chatted
and its the start of the weekend and weekends are very lonely if you are alone
oh
are you lonely
not at the moment
I have been enjoying family time with my boys
would u like me to play with u
football? cards? bingo?
um i meant adult naughty games
did you
make ur clit nice and wet
hmmmm
do u like oral
have you been busy this week?
yes do you have a cam
no I dont
you want some sex

I dont think that is an appropriate question...........you don't know me and I don't know you

he didn't answer and after a while signed off..........................whilst I do try to give people the benefit of doubt, he has now had his second chance and has now been blocked and deleted.

Have I been too hasty?

how I told him ................'No'

I have given this much thought even before Tuesday evening when you mentioned a proposition. I know that if I were to decide to 'take the plunge' you would treat me exceptionally well and as you say we would have fun. But as you have rightly guessed this would be a path that I am not going to take. I have in the past been involved to a degree with married men as you know ie SL. But that was quite a while ago.

I learnt a few things from that, about myself as much as anything else. I learnt that the times that I feel the most lonely are weekends and holidays, the times when married men are busy with family. I also realised that being 'the other woman' is not what I want. Because I would much rather be 'The Woman' in my man's life. When I first agreed to meet a married man (I had originally said 'single men only') I managed to persuade myself that it was ok because the married man/men was/were already looking for fun anyway so why should I miss out because they are married. But my concience got the better of me. This/these man/men belonged to someone else. If I was with someone who started playing around with someone else I would be devastated (I do believe in fidelity) so I couldn't do it to someone else.

A few months ago I decided to try having an affair with a married man (a surgeon) but I only met him a few times before I had to call it off because it wasn't what I wanted. He was really sweet about it and said he wasn't suprised. I am really flattered that you want me so much even after so long. (I still don't get why me, even if I do know I am fabulous). What is it that you see in me that others don't?

Your plan as I said had at least 3 flaws that I spotted right away.

1. Yes I was busy (two boys moving out within a week)
2. Even my super powers don't help me to remember your address or how to get there (as I didn't drive there myself) after all this time.
3. Even if I was willing to make love to a married man I wouldn't do so in his marital home (his wife's home)...........last time I was mistakenly under the impression that you were seperated. (I get that it is convenient and more comfortable than an office or a car but to me it would be violating that woman's home).

I hope you can understand where I stand and why I can't take this path however tempting it would be. If I did agree to give it a try I would be letting myself down. This hasn't been a quick and easy decision, I have given it a lot of thought, weighing up the benefits against my ethics and find that I just can't break my own rules. However good it would be, it would be soured by my own inner conflict. I wouldn't be able to be completely relaxed. Furthermore it would get in the way of my ability to find 'Mr Right'. How could I look someone in the eye telling them that I believe in fidelity if I am or have been having an affair with a married man.

As you rightly say I do want our friendship to continue and I would hate to hurt your feelings, but I couldn't live with myself if I follow the path you want to take. I have a lot of respect for you, I treasure your friendship and enjoy our evenings together but I can't take it any further.

Whats got into him?

Last night to my suprise Forest began chatting online. It was a suprise because although he is single I very rarely hear from him at weekends although I did in the past get text messages on sunday evenings. He always had his children staying over at weekends.

Last night we chatted about the length of time since we last saw each other. Neither of us sure exactly when the last time was. I checked my last post about him on here (mid July) but then realised that we had seen each other a few weeks later. Anyway we both agreed that it had been too long. I told him that I had met two new men since I last saw him. I told him that I had almost settled for 'nice' (which turned out to be not so nice). But then I met Spark who reminded me what it feels like to get butterflies.

That was when he told me that he had met a woman earlier in the day who gave him butterflies. (he had not seen a picture of her so it was a suprise to him on this blind date). He does hope to see her again. If he gets involved with her I shall be happy for him but sad for me.

Just as I was going to bed he sent me a text kiss nothing unusual in the kiss but not usual an hour after saying goodnight. Today he sent me another mid afternoon just as I was shopping. Then to my astonishment here he was chatting online again tonight. I expressed my astonishment that he was chatting two days in a row. Apparently he had been thinking about me and thought it was funny that I was shopping while he was thinking about me. Again I expressed my suprise that he had been thinking about me. (why would he be thinking about me just a day after meeting this new wonderful woman who gave him butterflies).

Something must have got into him because he even called me darling (I don't think he has ever done that before). He seems keen to see me again soon but I have told him it won't be this week, he will have to wait until October.

Reasons and propositions

What I didn't realise when I wrote my last post here was that I had already been dumped by Dylan only he was apparently taking the cowards way out and not telling me. A few days later when I had not heard from him since I had returned from my holiday (even though he had agreed to go to a party with me on the Saturday but didn't turn up) I wrote to him. I told him that I believe everyone enters our life for a reason. I told him I now knew he had come into my life to set me free (I didn't tell him what from). I also commented that his unexpected silence had hurt me and I hadn't expected him to do that. That was when he emailed me back thanking me for getting in contact. He was being a coward because he always finds it complicated when he tries to finish with a woman. After the detailed and thorough character assassination that followed I can undertand why he has a problem.

Considering that he is a trained councellor he seems to have more than a few issues of his own that he needs to get sorted but I won't be the one to tell him. I felt such a fool for thinking he was someone I could get on with. He might be good at getting people to open up to him (apparently it happens all the time) but he isn't good at listening, he also has a big issue with people who are not in full health (strange for someone who works with terminally ill patients). Anyway he is out of my life now and I am not sorry but I am glad that meeting him helped me to break free from Romeo at long last.

In less than a week I met Spark. This time it wasn't through the internet but through work. When I agreed to have lunch with a customer whose account I was trying to grow, I had no idea that meeting him would cause us both to find we couldn't stop thinking about each other. When he called me next day asking me to meet him for a drink (he actually left the England v Australia cricket match he was watching to see me). We were both experiencing butterflies every time we thought about each other. But there was one big obstacle to this becoming anything else. He already had a girlfriend. After that one evening that included a lot of kissing and cuddling (we both stayed fully dressed), there would only be the briefest of meetings a few days later when he told me that he was sorry to mess me about but he felt so guilty. This was good really because his situation was causing me problems anyway. But what I got from this brief distraction was that he reminded me how it feels when you meet someone who gives you butterflies. I had almost settled for 'nice' when I met Dylan. Spark reminded me that I mustn't settle for anything less than butterflies.

Since then I have been out for a drink with a friend I hadn't seen for ages, we also had dinner together last week. On the way home he mentioned that he would email me a proposition. He did email me, but found he couldn't bring himself to set out his proposition but came up with a plan. I won't go into what his plan was but I have since pointed out a few flaws in his plan. These flaws aside I have had to turn his plan down. You see he is married and I have explained that I can't become involved with a married man although I do treasure him as a friend and confidante.

Since starting this blog I have learnt a few things about myself. I am still struggling with my sexuality versus my upbringing. But I now know more about what I do and don't want. I do not want to be 'The Other woman' to any man, only 'The woman' in my man's life will do for me.

Even if I persuade myself that the married man was already looking for fun when he met me, I won't get involved because, if it was my man behaving in this way I would be devastated so I won't do the same to another woman. If the married man was able to persuade me to get involved with him, I would not be able to fully relax because my concience would get in the way. I know that I have not been whiter than white about all this over the recent years but now I know my own feelings better I won't be going down that path now or in the future.

I feel so much more content now that my path ahead has become clearer in my own mind.

Finally I am free

I don't know how it happened.
Back in July I made a decision to close the door on Romeo and move on with my life. I needed to delete all trace of him, emails photos text messages the lot.

It wasn't easy, neither did it stop me thinking about him. I still wanted him, I still hoped that one day he would come back and claim me as his. It meant that even though I was seeing other men I still wasn't free. My heart still belonged to him.

I don't remember when it began, those first emails, I thought he was a bit eccentric, he thought I was rather bolshy. He was going to have a word with me tell me off for my bolshyness. He didn't. More emails but with a different tone to them. I began to fret if he didn't email me. Then there was the day that our internet wasn't working, I emailed him from work giving him my mobile number. It was days before he finally rang me but when he did we chatted for an eternity, arranging to meet for a drink a few days later. By now I had come to think of him as a friend but that was all, I didn't fancy him.

We sat and chatted until we were turned out of the pub 3.5 hrs later. Days later we met up for a walk along the beach, again we chatted for hours, holding hands, kissing goodnight at the end of a long day. I'm not sure if it was before or after our 3rd date that I realised that something had happened. I definitely knew before the end of that date that I liked him, this could be the start of something good. Somewhere along the way I noticed that Romeo had gone, he had slipped out of my mind without me noticing.

While I was on holiday I hardly thought about Romeo and when I did it was nolonger with a sense of loss. I really enjoyed my holiday but was looking forward to getting home because more than anything I wanted to see Dylan. I don't know how things will work out for us, it might only last a very short time, it might last longer, at this stage its anyone's guess. But whatever happens I will be grateful that he has helped me to let go of Romeo.

New Forest tales

Do you want to come over tonight? xx

do you have a teleporter? x

no why? xx

because I can't afford the petrol to get there xx

if you can get here I will give you petrol money.............
is that classed as paying for sex? xx

nooooooooooo ........................if I was charging you it would be a lot more than the cost of petrol x

I know I wouldn't be able to afford you xx

what time? x

9pm xx

perfect............my battery is dying x

that was the last conversation on my motorola before it died.
So punctual as ever I arrived at his place at 9.20pm, he was waiting at the open door with the kettle behind him hissing as he bent down to greet me with a slow kiss before turning to pour two mugs of tea. Tea that went cold while we kissed for an eternity on his two seater settee. Torchwood on the tv in the corner hardly noticed. Finally breaking free during what must have been the 10 O'clock news we left the tea untouched and made our way up the stairs to his bed with its fur cover. This time I waited for him to remove my clothes (just a dress bra and knickers), once he had removed his own t shirt and jeans. Leading me to his bed he laid me down as he knelt on the edge of the bed between my thighs nudging my clit with the slippery head of his penis. But before I could get used to the feel of him there he slid down onto the floor his face lapping up my wetness whilst his left hand played with my nipple.

It didn't take him long to have me writhing on his bed in pure delight as his tongue together with the fingers of his right hand took me to the height of my first leg trembling orgasm. Involuntary spasms shook my whole body as his tongue worked its magic on me. Until I could take no more , he lay beside me on the bed then, letting my fingures trace patterns on his skin.

His cock twitching against his slight belly (there is more of that than there was 2 years go) he asks me

what do you want to do with that?

what do you want me to do?

whatever you like

(probably the first words spoken by either of us in an hour) I don't need any other encouragement before I am crawling down the bed to kneel between his knees nibbling, licking and sucking on his delicious cock, it feels so great yet at the same time awkward when his cock hits the back of my mouth making me gag slightly. It has been a very long time since I felt those sensations. I am enjoying myself immensely with this man who was my lover before and is again now.

Adjusting my position I move myself back towards the head of the bed climbing on top of his prone body impaling myself on his erection. slowly moving against his thrusts my breasts hanging between us he catches them in his gentle hands pinching and caressing my nipples. Leaning forward I kiss his hungry mouth, I break away to whisper in his ear

we have not been very chatty tonight have we?

he laughs

no we haven't

back to the kissing and grinding I am now laying along his length lking down on his serious face while he thrusts deep into me.

You almost smiled

His face breaking into a big grin he reaches up to bring my face down to his for more kissing. We keep kissing and thrusting until his knee starts to play him up (an old footballing injury). As I roll onto the bed beside him one word escapes his lips

wow

This makes me smile to myself so it had been as good for him as it was for me.

It felt good to have a cock inside me

deep inside you too

mmmmmmmm

We lay companionably together cuddling and kissing as we enjoyed our post coital conversation. I think we have good sex partly because we have known each other for 2 1/2 years, we know each other fairly well, neither of us are expecting a relationship out of this so we are relaxed with no pressure. We like each other as people in addition to having a sexual attraction. I believe we have become the perfect 'friends with benefits'

Shivers down my spine

It wasn't fair

I was trying to get on with my work but my mind kept going back to those kisses. Every time I thought about his kisses a shiver went through me. Every time I thought about the feel of his hand as it held mine I felt weak. Remembering his touch as his hand slid inside my jacket first to my waist then moving up to hold my breast.

Throughout the time we had been sitting chatting in his car he had made no move to try and touch or even kiss me. It was only when I was ready to go home to my lonely bed that he made his unexpected move.

If anyone had told me earlier in the evening that I would be meeting him there after midnight I would have laughed. It had been about 3 months since we had met that first time, we had tried to meet again a month ago but it didn't happen so why now.

When he had mentioned that he would be passing that way at midnight on his return from running an errand, he said he would look out for my car. We hadn't made a definite arrangement to meet it was more a case of if we are both there at the same time sort of thing. Of course I had no reason to be up there on my favourite hill top at that time of night.

After he had signed out of messenger he text me asking what car I drive, so I knew he thought I would be there. That almost stopped me from going. How dare he be so confident that I would venture out at that time to meet him on the off chance. I ummed and aahhed for a while, should I go or should I stay? Another friend came online and told me to go for it. Trying not to drive too fast I sped along the crest of the hill until I reached the car park I had mentioned (knowing that out of all the carparks along that stretch of road it would be the quietest).

When I arrived there was no sign of him but he had text me that he was disappointed, well he had said midnight and it was now 10 past. I replied something about him not being there. Within 2 minutes he drove up and parked alongside my car. The next hour was very odd yet easy at the same time. Indulging in my hobby of checking out the city lights below to see which landmarks we could identify. Before succuming to the chill breeze and getting into his Jag to keep warm, where we managed to chat amiably for 45 minutes prior to that first kiss.

We talked about meeting again for a drink soon, I hope we do.

If I said

A few days ago I sent this to a few of my male friends past and prospective to see what they thought.

If I said
If I said I want you, would you come to me?
If I said I need you, do you need me too?
If I said I am hungry for you, would you satisfy me?
If I wanted to see you would you stand naked before me?
If I wanted to feel you, would you place my hands on you?
If I wanted to smell you, would you kneel before me so I could drink in the scent of you?
If I wanted to taste you would you feed me your hard cock?
If I asked would you to fuck me please, would you make me beg?

Here is the reply I got from Thomas aka my Knight


If you said you want me, I would come to you.
If you said you need me, I'd need you too.
If you said you were hungry for me, I'd hunger for you too.
If you wanted to see me, I'd stand rampant before you.
If you wanted to feel me, I'd place your hands upon my manhood.
If you wanted to smell me, I'd relish you drinking in the sent of me.
If you wanted to taste me, I'd feed you my cock.
Drink of me and dribble my spunk from your mouth to mine.
If you asked me to fuck you, I'd make you beg.
If you wanted me deep inside your cunt, I'd scissor with you and feel your warmth
If you wanted me up your arse, I'd joyfully have you sit upon me and relish the sight of your curves and the feel of your vulgar tightness.
Suck me my angel, I want to see you abandon any propriety.
Fuck me hard and wantonly, I need to see the sweat upon your curves. Drench me in your womanly cum and scream your joy for it.

You lovely rude and vulgar lady.

Poker face

Listening to the radio I heard them play Lady Gaga's song Poker face. When I first heard this song I wasn't over keen on it but it has grown on me particularly since I saw the interview she did on Jonathon Ross's show a few weeks ago explaining what the song is about.



Poker Face



Listening to this song reminds me of when I am out with Plumber. If you don't know what the song is about I shall do my best to explain. It about not letting the person you are with realise that you are actually thinking about another person/s. They believe that you are completely into them which isn't necessarily the case.

When I am with Plumber I do get into being with him, he is a very nice guy and very sexual which of course suits me down to the ground or bed or where ever. But even though I am enjoying him I am also probably thinking I wish he was Romeo. Don't get me wrong I do like him and on the few occasions we have had sex it has been very hot and very mmmmmm but he just doesn't blow me away in the way that Romeo did. So when I get asked about how things are with Plumber I am quite vague because although I do like him and we get on well I just don't feel that this could ever become a long term relationship.

Yet whilst I am saying this he has confessed to liking me very much (he thinks I am very special) and that he thinks I like him as much as he likes me. This leads me to believe that perhaps I am not as cool towards him as I think I am and he actually believes that I am hot for him. Of course I am not going to dissillusion him by putting him straight because I do like him, just not as much as Romeo. If he thinks I do like him that much then that can only be good.

Have you ever been with one person whilst thinking about someone different?
If so did the person you were with realise?

Hot for him

There is a man
we have met just once
we chat often on IM
we discuss many subjects
he makes me hot
he makes me fidget
he makes me smile
when he is not there I miss him
when he arrives I am happy
when he argues I am wet

This man is not attractive in the normal sense
This man is not gentle and sensitive
This man is opinionated
This man does not suffer fools
This man thrills me
This man makes me want him
This man makes me aroused
This man can be distant
This man is interesting
This man is interested in me

As soon as we chat I feel that familiar tug
As soon as we chat the battle begins
As soon as we chat the swords are drawn
As soon as we chat I know
As soon as we chat I want to be with him
As soon as we chat I yearn for his hands
As soon as we chat I long to feel him
As soon as we chat I need to taste him

This man who is so wrong for me is the one who causes the heat between my legs. He is the one I can't stop wanting. He is the one I have to caress with my hands and tongue. He is the one I want to be tied down by as he fucks me senseless. I want him to take me until I beg him to stop. I want him to make me his, to take what he wants. I want him to leave me in a heap of weak limbs unable to move. As I press my fingers onto my wet swollen clit I long for his tongue to torture my desire.

I just can't help it I am hot for him!

All dressed up

On thursday evening it was parents evening at college again. This time I was accompanied by OJ. As expected all his tutors are pleased with him and he already has 4 A's in the bag even before he takes his final exams. Between appointments we were discussing his choice of University. He still feels that he would like to go to Warwick as he knows it has a very good reputation and he did like it there, but he thinks he will probably go to Surrey. Surrey offers scholarships and if certain grades are reached the scholarships are doubled. As he knows he has already exceeded the required grades he believes that financially he will be better off going there. As my mum said when I told her this today.......'OJ always has the £ at the front of his mind'. He also said that as Surrey is closer to London he would be able to watch his favourite football team West Ham Utd. Personally I don't think this is a good reason as if he was at Warwick he could watch them at all the teams they play in the Midlands (and probably cheaper).



Tonight I had decided that I would suprise Plumber and go to a gig he was working at. He had told me last night that he would like me to go as he would like to see me. I only said I would think about it. But just as I was ready to go he came online asking if I had got his text. I then realised I had left my phone in my car earlier. It turns out that the gig was cancelled as the drummer injured his back last week and although they thought he would be able to play tonight his back is worse than they thought he might not be able to play again poor man.



I asked Plumber if he fancied meeting for a drink instead. But he has decided to have an early night as he has been working today. I noticed that one of the other guys I chat to was online, he said he wants to go to our view point on Monday eve but hes too tired tonight. Men!!! they have no stamina.



So here I am on a Saturday evening all dressed up with nowhere to go. I have messaged Golf asking him where he is when a girl needs to be rescued. I did consider asking Kama if he wants to meet up but by the time I thought about it I decided it was too late in the evening. Unlike Golf he doesn't seem to like spontaneous plans.



I think I shall do some work on my project instead.

Earlier I bought a few things to help get my garden project started. DC has promised to help me tomorrow. I have already sprayed the nettles with weed killer. I have a new hedge trimmer so that should sort out the brambles as well as the hedge in the front garden. I also have a shiny new spade for when we are ready to start digging up the garden. I also had a look at paving slabs and gravel I think that is the way I shall go.