devastated

Finally we met on saturday night, It was short but sweet. I had known since the very beginning there was something different. No matter how many times I wanted to call it a day. This thing just was not happening for us. I have posted several times about GB and been advised to drop him by some of my blogger friends. I couldn't do it. I just knew that if I did then I would be passing up something that could be good for me.

Now I am in two minds, Oh I am so glad I stuck with it, I love talking to GB online or by text, but when he phones me he could be saying anything at all, just hearing his voice makes me melt. How many times did I come close to telling him to get lost but didn't. Oh I told him more than once that I was on the verge of doing just that. gave him one more chance several times. How stupid am I ? to let someone I barely know rule my life in the way he has done for 3 months. If he said meet me in half an hour I would have done. whether it was midday, 6pm, midnight or even 3am I would have gone running. But why? we had met once for coffee and a snog 3 months ago. Last week finally we got to the stage of saying yes we were both available on thursday evening, we could spend some time together then I had to cancel because N who I didnt want anymore was here.

I should have told N that I didnt want him here, but I didnt. He had put an unexpected effort into valentines and I just couldnt throw it back in his face. I wanted a little time to pass then let him down gently, why I dont know as he was never that considerate with me. Everytime I thought things were going well he would text that we were finished and he was back with TB.

Anyway back to GB he threw his toys out the pram what I said I couldnt make it. Declared that it just wasnt going to work. I emailed him something about irony and it being the first definite decision he had made in three months. Wasnt he just throwing his toys out of the pram. He immediately admitted that I was right and changed his mind. Two days later we finally managed to meet again. We spent a delightful hour in each other's arms.
That night I slept better than I had done for months. There was a big smile on my face and every time I started to wake I just remembered the feel of his hands and lips on my body. It was such a warm and comforting feeling. We exchanged several text in the morning, we were both feeling very happy. Then came the blow. He said he couldnt stop smiling, but was feeling a tad guilty.

I couldnt say anything to him. I didn't know what to say. Then late at night I emailed him saying that I really do want to see him again and again, but if he needs space I'm not going to put pressure on him. During monday we spoke briefly online and he said that he had got my message and would rather phone me than write. But I didnt hear from him again, I knew he would be abroad today and tomorrow so I text him wishing him safe trip. since he said that he was feeling guilty I have been feeling very down, I wasnt prepared for the strength of my feelings for a man I have now met twice. a man who I have known from the start is married. So I have always known there can be no future. for two days now I have had to retire to my bed with excruciating headaches brought on by stress. This I know is partly due to my very dire financial situation at the moment, but also my fear that GB is going to call an end to the us that never has been. I really want him to work through his guilt feeling but still see me. If others can why cant he. But my gut instinct tells me that he wont. This morning while I was in my drug induced sleep getting over my headache. I was dreaming about all sorts of things mostly work in strange circumstances, when I dreampt I had a mystery phone call. Only it wasnt a mystery. It was on my secret phone, a man telling me I didnt know him but he gave his name, no one I knew. he said ' He is away in **** but he thinks he is in love with you'. I couldnt say anything just wept then the phone went dead.
This afternoon I was online when GB signed in. I waited ages, I know he doesnt speak to anyone else on msn. He only signed onto msn when he started chatting to me 3 months ago. Eventually I asked him if he is ok, he said yes and asked after me. I told him I had been poorly, I agonised over whether I should tell him that this was affecting my health. I dont want to scare him off. I told him that it was stress headaches, he asked if it was because of him/us I just said partly, but also due to money. He offered me money, but I prefer not to be beholden to anyone but I appreciate the offer.
He says that he hadnt been prepared for his feelings and he doesnt want to belittle what we have but feels he has to keep a distance from 'full on' as he has bitten off more than he can handle. nothing against me.

I know he isnt saying never again but I still feel devastated. I shouldnt be feeling this way.
I told him that I wasnt prepared for my feelings for him either, but I have arranged to go out with friends on friday to give myself something to look forward to.

update we have chatted again tonight while he was waiting for his plane early in the morning. But our conversation was kept purely neutral, nothing personal, but at least we are still chatting.