March

I'm looking forward to the month of March much better than the last two months.
As I posted last night I am going to still see GB. He was busy this morning so we will talk later.
This morning I bit the bullet and emailed N that I m setting him free as I cannot give him the time and love he needs. I hadnt wanted to tell him in this way but I guess my new found confidence doesnt go as far as telling him to his face. but at least it was better than the curt text he used to send me each time.
Both HMU and GP were chatting online this morning. GP making sure that I still want to meet him but changing our date to next thursday as he now has an appointment with work on friday. He is very sure that he wants to get very intimate with me.
HMU sent me the following text after I told him briefly what GB's email said.
'thats good! I'm pleased.... Hope you still want to go to bed with me next week xx'
This is the kind man who was advising me how to deal with my situation with GB.

N has replied that he had thought a lot of me. Then later a second email ……I must think he is an animal in a field if I think he will forget me, I have made the wrong decision. He thinks he wasn’t enough for me. Not good enough for me. Part of me wants to tell him that I am really sorry. But there is no point in me contacting him. I know I shall get emails/text demanding that I return his computer books and disks that he lent me. I know him well enough to know how he behaves towards the woman he has split with.
Today I took my mum out for lunch, she has been stuck indoors for weeks since she had her knee replacement. We went to pub up on a hill with a great view in both directions. From the front it looks out over the city and out to sea, from the car park at the back you get a great view inland across the countryside. When we got inside we looked for a table by the window, most of the tables at the front were reserved. The first sign my eyes noticed was a long table reserved for (it was GB’s surname). At first I though maybe he had booked a table there for his business. But it was not likely as he probably didn’t even know the place it was in the wrong direction for him. But I kept an eye out just in case. It turned out to be a family group.
On friday I shall be having fun with SL and Mr & Mrs P. then on tues I should be meeting HMU then GP on thursday next week. so hopefully March will be a better month for me.

Rejection or not

With a trembling hand I pressed the button that said send. Too late now!! I couldn’t take it back. I had just sent the email to GB. I told him that I understand his pangs of guilt but I still want very much to see him. I don’t want to do anything that will risk his marriage. But could we please still see each other just when he is comfortable about it. Once the email had gone I knew I would not concentrate on anything. I was like a cat on a hot tin roof. Will he reply and if he does when will it be? Would it be today or will I have to wait. When and if he does reply will it be the rejection that I so fear. Of course it will and now I have prompted him to tell me that the ‘us’ that never really was can not now ever be. He will tell me that it was wonderful, that I am wonderful but he cannot risk a repeat. I feel sick in the stomach as well as in the heart. I just know that I have shot myself in the foot. If I had just waited, not pushed him, then maybe he might have decided that he still wanted me enough to overcome his fears.

I busy myself with shopping, I only need a few things but by the time I reach the checkout I have a trolley full and reduced my bank balance drastically. But I have been able to keep my mind occupied. I find I have some new lingerie, as well as a new camera, and that was before I got any food.Later, I am putting the food away in the cupboards when the text hits my phone. It tells me that I have an email from GB. All I can read are the first few words.

It’s good to know you are cool about my apparent ‘about turn’.

I need to go online to read the rest of his email. But I can’t. One of my boys is on the only computer connected to the net. I am scared I don’t want to read his reply. I text HMU he tells me that I must read it. I know that, but I am scared of what I will read. I really feel sick now, much more than earlier. Then I was worried but now I know the rejection has arrived and I don’t want to see the words in black and white. Once I have read them I won’t be able to kid myself that there is still a chance. I don’t want to read the email when I am surrounded by my family. I want to be on my own when I open the much dreaded yet wished for email.

Using my mobile from the privacy of my bedroom I sign onto my email box and open the envelope. I read the same words I had already seen then I carry on reading. He is pleased that I still want something from him, he was enjoying it too. But we need to find some middle ground. OMG he still wants to see me. It isn’t the end of the road. We need to talk about where we go from here but that can wait. The important thing is that we both still want to see each other. Where my heart had felt like lead moments ago I now feel like singing and I know I am grinning like a mad woman. I text HMU :-)
He replies I take it you have now read the reply.
I send a text to GB x x x x.
I didn’t need to say anything he will know I have read his reply. Perhaps we will get to speak either online or by phone in the next day or two. I just feel so much happier now than I have for the past week. I am so grateful to HMU he told me to tell GB how I feel, I had thought if I did that it would be putting pressure on him, but HMU said that men need to be told they are wanted. I thought that was us women who need the reassurances. I had thought if I said I wanted him he would run away from me.

fantasies or not?

Not much has been happening recently that would be of interest to my readers. I know you dont want to know about me shopping for groceries or cutting my kids hair, looking after my mum while shes on crutches that sort of thing. I haven't been doing much in the way of dating. N seems to have done a disappearing act so I have not even seen him in over a week. Not that Im bothered about that. What I have done is a few days temping work. Odd I had worked there before last september, mentioned it in conversation to GB about 10 days ago. then I got the call to go back there for a few days. Just as my finances were reaching rock bottom. Recently I have been chatting to another blogger ....hornymaleuk. He has been texting me loads all week and yesterday. we have been giving each other ideas for subjects to write about on our blogs. He gave me the title ...walk in a country park...........I enjoyed writing that so much that when I stopped I wrote a couple more stories. Each has some elements of truth, but I have immensly enjoyed writing these fantasies. If anyone wants to give me any other ideas to write about please dont hesitate.

I am hoping to have more adventures to write about soon. I am hoping to link up with both SL and PL again soon, maybe if I am very lucky both together one day. We have talked about it, but both want another woman to join us.

I really hope that GB will work through his feeling and I will see him again. We have spoken a few times online but it has been very stilted...how are you? Im ok how are you ......that sort of thing.......but at least he is still talking to me.

I have 3 new prospective lovers. GP who I have been chatting to online and by text for a couple of weeks. We have arranged to meet this friday lunchtime. JJ who I have chatted to for months on and off, he finally got around to saying he wants to meet, hes into sub/dom which I have never tried. we are going to discuss this in more detail when we meet for a drink very soon. He wants to introduce me to the delights of restraint which I am interested in trying. Then there is HMU as I have already said we have been in constant contact for the last few days not just about blogging. I asked him about going to the bloggers meet, but he cant so I am meeting him the day before. He has also now asked if we can meet up 6th march which isnt far away.

Anyway I hope you enjoy the stories.

The new receptionist's secret

It’s nearly 5.30pm and Valerie knows it wont be long before she is released for the evening. She brings herself back to the here and now, Julie is explaining to her how to turn off the switchboard at the end of the day. Tomorrow Valerie would be on her own. She had started this new job as receptionist at the Surveyor’s office a day early so that Julie could show her the ropes. Julie was leaving to have a baby. As they were putting on their coats the two women wished each other ‘good luck’.

Valerie had done this kind of work before, but not in an office this size. Usually Valerie liked to work in a busy office where she wouldn’t have time to think. She liked to have enough work to keep her mind active and her hands busy. You learn more when you are in a busy environment & Valerie liked to treat each day as an opportunity to learn. But this time Valerie knew that she would not be busy in this office. There would not be many visitors and phone calls through the switchboard would be minimal. She knew a little about the Company, there were two senior surveyors, Conrad Jasper and Marcus Bentley, between them they own the majority of shares in the Company. Then there were the other surveyors, Davies, Wheeler, Thompson, Taylor and Cartwright. There were a host of others but as yet Valerie didn’t know what they all did. Oh well she would soon learn who they all were. One name Valerie had learnt very early in the day was Cora Baker. Cora was PA to both Marcus and Conrad, she was very protective of her two bosses and you crossed her at your peril.

Valerie had taken this job as she needed the money to bring up her two teenage sons Jamie and Tom, but it would also give her time to keep up with her studying during the quiet periods through out the day. There was another reason Valerie had taken this job in this particular office, but this was Valerie’s secret.

Earlier in the day Valerie had been in the post room sorting through the days outgoing post ready for collection. She had heard two male voices the other side of the screen separating the post room from the open plan office behind it. Valerie couldn’t help but smile as she heard these two as yet unidentified voices in hushed whispers. The younger voice was telling the other that he thought the new receptionist was hot. Those legs, surely they must be in stockings, not tights under that tight pinstripe skirt and those heels made her legs appear to go on forever. The other man, he had a much older voice told his friend that he was wrong women in their forties don’t wear stockings to work. Anyway he told his younger colleague. ‘You don’t know much about women, it isn’t the legs you look at, you need to check out her breasts and if he wasn’t mistaken the new receptionist was all woman. Curvy in all the right places and those boobies straining against the buttons of her white blouse have just got to be fabbie dabbie.’ Valerie cringed to herself, she hated words/phrases like boobies and fabbie dabbie, they made her think of adolescent public school boys.

Valerie had been brought back from her wondering thoughts when she heard the younger man ask.
‘Marcus, whatever is the matter with Cora today? Did you see the looks she gave the new receptionist when she came in with the coffee this morning. That’s not like her.’

‘Oh you know Cora, how she feels she has to protect me and Conrad. She’s worried I will run off with the new gal, thinks my eye was on her too much, not like Conrad he hardly noticed her at all. Funny that, as she is about his age, But I guess he is settled at home. But I was worried about him a few months ago.’

‘Why were you worried about Conrad?’
‘Oh you know when he sent all the staff a text wishing everyone a happy new year. He got himself in a muddle, sent some of us the wrong message, including Cora, upset her I can tell you. Seems our Conrad is not all he seems, had been having a steamy affair & accidentally sent a text meant for this mystery woman. Cora vowed to get to the bottom of it.’

Valerie smiled to herself as she picked up the crisp white envelopes and slipped them into the sack ready for the post man to collect.

That’s day one in the new job over, this could be interesting Valerie told herself as she slipped behind the wheel of her black focus and started the engine. In ten minutes she would be trough the door of their new flat. She would only have time for a shower and put on her favourite new sexy lingerie before he would join her.

Valerie had known as soon as she heard the voice this morning that it had been Cora who had called her anonymously last week.

Well Cora was not going to get at her. Conrad was not Cora’s husband but he was Valerie’s lover.

The interview

It was 13.55hrs and Elaine was expecting him at any moment. She had vacuumed the livingroom, cleared away all the rubbish the kids had left lying around, plumped up the red cushions on her sofa. Her phone rang making her jump. It was the doorbell she expected to hear not her phone. It was Matthew, he apologised and explained that he was running approximately 20 to 30 minutes late.

Elaine sat down and clicked onto her IM a/c on the livingroom computer to see if any of her admirers were online wanting to chat. As soon as she showed online three of them were there asking how she was and had she been naughty lately. Its funny how they always want to know that, they dont seem to get jealous merely wish that she was being naughty with them. time seems to take on another dimension when she chats online. The conversations seem to be continuous but not a lot gets said considering the length of time that flows by.

Elaine is startled when the doorbell rings, it is Matthew. the pair sit in the livingroom, Matthew on the sofa, Elaine bringing her computer chair across the room to sit opposite Matthew, their knees barely a foot apart.

Matthew explains in humourous detail why he has come to visit Elaine today. He explains what his company does and why. Elaine gives her reasons for contacting the company and puts him in the picture about her personal circumstances as an unemployed single mother. The two chat for half an hour about the problems and benefits that Elaine could encounter if the company decide to take her on and she accepts the contract. Time is rushing on and Elaine is worried she wont get to school in time to fetch her little boy. In her agitation Elaine has been crossing and uncrossing her legs unaware that Matthew has begun to look at her in a different way. Finally Matthew has made up his mind that Elaine is a suitable candidate for his company to put their faith in. He phones his head office who agree to the contract being made. Before he leaves Matthew says
'Elaine youa re an incredible lady and I shall look forward to seeing much more of you.' They shake hands but Matthew says he has never done this before but he cant leave without a kiss.
Elaine is rushing to her car when she gets a text from matthew.
'you are a wonderful person I would like to know you much better, can I take you out to dinner tonight. ps I enjoyed the view!!'

Elaine has not only just committed herself to improving her situation by being accepted for an assisted place on the training course she wanted but it seems she has also gained herself a new prospective, tall, handsome lover into the bargain.

Walk in a country park

As usual when Jill was feeling upset she took herself off to the parish church to find solace. Jill has never been religious but she found the peace in an empty church comforting. She would just sit and think. That morning Jill’s dad had given her the sad news that her beloved dog who she had rescued from the local kennels (she had been a kennel maid there), had died. Bonnie had been poorly for a while and had been taken to the vets by dad. Jill couldn’t face it as she knew Bonnie would not be coming home. Jill made her way slowly along the high street until she reached the drive leading up to the church door. When she got there the door was locked. How could that be it is never locked. Then she noticed the sign telling parishioners that following recent thefts the church would now be kept locked unless there was a member of the church council in attendance.

In her disappointment Jill turned and retraced her steps even slower now until she reached the bridge across the river. Here she turned right and followed the path beside the river as it threaded its way through the park. Passing the ducks in the trees shading themselves from the fierce Sunday afternoon sun. Through the ornamental gardens, leaving behind the miniature railway, the tennis courts and the kids play area. Under the low pedestrian bridge that led Jill from the manicured gardens of the formal park into the wild untamed part of the park. The river was narrower here, the boats fewer the walkers fewer but the wildlife was more evident. In the open areas between the great oaks there were small herds of deer foraging. It was as Jill neared the old disused quarry that she heard the footsteps. Slowly at first then getting quicker as they neared her. Jill looked around her there was a couple with a young child coming towards her, getting closer, soon they would have gone past her, there didn’t seem to be anyone else around. Should she just keep on walking or turn around and follow the family back towards the town. Was she being silly, the footsteps probably belonged to someone quite harmless. A person minding their own business heading towards the quarry or maybe even beyond for their own reason. Why should she worry, lots of people use these paths.

The family had gone now their steps receding into the distance. Jill suddenly spotted a couple of the young deer cantering across the path, she was distracted watching them. Jill had forgotten the footsteps for a few seconds. But she soon remembered when she felt the arm drape around her shoulders.

‘There you are…….. I thought I would never catch up to you’ his voice whispered into her ear.

Jill was confused she didn’t know this young man yet he knew her. What should she do? Jill continued to walk, the young man with the dark hair that swayed and bobbed as he walked continued to walk with her, continued to keep his arm around her shoulder. She shrugged her shoulders to rid herself of the weight but he kept his arm there. If anything he became more possessive, moving his arm to bring his body closer to hers, his arm hanging now down the front of her. She tried to ignore the shapely fingers on his hand as it rested just above her right breast. Jill tried to be nonchalant and keep going but she knew her breathing was getting heavier and the heavier it got the more her breast heaved under her low cut green top. As he pulled her towards him Jill found herself staring into startling blue eyes but before she could blink her lips were being crushed by his. Still she had not managed to put forward any protest to this rather dashing young stranger who had accosted her on her wanderings in search of solace. The young man had shifted his hand now to the nape of her neck while his left hand was in the small of her back just at the point where her loose top didn’t quite meet the waist band of her short black skirt. She felt the slight pressure as his hands held her to him. His kiss which had begun suddenly but oh so softly was becoming more urgent now. Jill was a mix of uncertainty and awe as she lived through these strange sensations. His tongue was trying to push through her lips invading her mouth. This was new to Jill none of her teenaged boyfriends had ever tried to do this, she thought to herself………so this is what a French kiss feels like. Not sure how to react her body made the decision for her as her lips parted involuntarily allowing access to this stranger’s tongue which was now probing, searching her soft warm mouth. As strange as this felt Jill found that she quite liked the sensation. Before she knew what she was doing her hands were on his back pulling him to her as he was pressing her to his firm young but slightly older man. Yes he was a man, he must have been in his early 20s, very mature to her at the age of 16. Somewhere in her memory she heard the jibe from one of her class mates one evening last year as he shouted across the road to her ‘ I bet you are a virgin.’ He was right of course she had been and still was now. Why had that thought popped into her head now at this moment.

Part of her wanted to break free and run, run back to the relative safety of other people. But a stronger feeling was spreading through her body. It started from her lips that were now returning his kisses with as much passion as those she received from him. It was a warm feeling and it was coursing downward down through her neck to a tingle in her nipples where a few short moments ago his hand had rested for perhaps a second or two though it felt like a life time. The more that Jill returned these delicious kisses the deeper these alien feelings were spreading further down, down now lower than her navel, down towards that secret place where sometimes as she lay alone in her bed at night she felt strange sensations. Her mind now willing her to run to safety. Her body not moving, soaking up the feelings as odd as they were, wanting them to go on and on. But then as suddenly as the kisses began it stopped. Jill was floundering now as a loss what to do. She wanted those feelings back, to continue for ever but she didn’t dare to pull this person back into her arms. Still no words passed between the two young people since those first rushed words when he had caught up to her. He stood back a little looked at her quizzically, murmured softly
‘you seem different’.

Before Jill could think of a response he had replaced his arm across her shoulder and was leading her forward along the path towards the quarry. There didn’t seem to be anyone else around but Jill didn’t care, not if she could stay with this incredible creature. She studied his profile as they walked, still in silence, just the sounds of the birds in the trees and a dog barking somewhere in the distance. Her heart was thumping beneath her flimsy top, her mouth dry with anticipation, where was he taking her, would he stop and kiss her again. ……..Omg please let him kiss me again please! I would give anything to be kissed by this man with almost black hair, blue eyes and tanned complexion at least one more time.

Jill didn’t have to wait long before they reached the quarry. A few years ago the quarry had been flooded and was now used by families for water sports. Gently he guided her to the left, a little further along the path were the boat sheds.
That voice again murmuring in her ear
‘my uncle owns one of the sheds, I have the key, we wont be disturbed in there.’
Warning bells began to ring telling Jill to run, but Jill ignored them, she began to hum softly to herself to drown out the bells. She caught him glancing at her with that quizzical look of his again. They reached the third shed, he pulled a key from his pocket and motioned her inside. It was larger than she had imagined, racks of canoes on one side with shelves of water ski equipment on the other along with a wooden bench and a couple of old battered sofas. There were windows on either side of the door with lace curtains letting in a little sunlight. There was a burst of light as all the overhead light came to life, a flick of a few switches and only the one over the sofas remained on. Taking Jill’s hand he led her to the nearest sofa and sat down pulling Jill down beside him. Taking her other hand in his he muttered
‘there is something different about you’.
Before Jill could reply his lips were on hers again and Jill lost herself in the moment. His hands were moving, one moment caressing her back, ten stroking her cheek. But all the while lips locked together on hers, his tongue probing. She drank in every breath the smell of him slightly tinged with sweat. His hands moved down her back and under her top, his right hand now sliding up unfastening her bra, so easily not like the fumblings of her latest boyfriend. Excitement was mounting inside Jill as she waited for his hands to move around and cup her breasts as she knew they would. All the stories in her magazines told her this. She wasn’t kept waiting long then to her dismay he stopped kissing her, but as he pulled away, all the time watching her face he lifted her top over her head and let it drop behind her. But crumbs she hadn’t expected this , he didn’t just have her breasts in his hands but had taken them one at a time in his mouth. She could feel his tongue swirling, licking and sucking on her now hard nipples. She wasn’t prepared for this and was taken by surprise when she felt the invisible link between her nipples and her labia.,as though he was tugging on a length of cotton tied between the two. The more he sucked on her nipple the greater the sensation between her legs and to her shock she felt like she was about to wet herself.
……….Oh no please don’t let me wet myself in front of this gorgeous man.
Her mind was swirling now in the mists of sensations. As she concentrated on his lips tugging her breasts her hands were holding his head, clasping him to her bossom afraid to let go in case he stopped!! She didn’t want him to stop……….Oh no her worst fear was about to happen. He would surely notice that she was wetting herself from the pleasure, his hand was now under her skirt stroking her inner thigh creeping, creeping closer to her damp thong. Too late!! He had felt her wetness but instead of treating her with distain he seemed to be pleased. His finger found its way past the fabric until it was inside her probing her wetness just as his tongue had probed her mouth. ………Oh but now this was something else, she was dying, she must be, she felt like she was floating up to heaven. His other hand had now taken hers and was guiding it to the bulge in his jeans. She knew at that moment that she must have died, how else could she have ended up in this place surrounded by angels singing and butterflies stroking her everywhere that gave her such pleasure.

But what was that? She could hear a voice, a voice very much like her own. But it wasn’t her, she knew it wasn’t her voice. In the distance a girl was calling a name over and over.

‘Jasper, Jasper, where are you Jasper.’

The man sat bolt upright looked as though he had had an electric shock, looked at Jill and ran to the window, peering through the curtain. Shot another look at Jill, wrenched the door open and called out
‘Sarah, Sarah over here.’
Turning back to Jill he said
‘If you are not Sarah who are you?’

Just then Sarah stepped through the door looked at Jill,
‘Oh Jill there you are, mum and dad have been looking for you’
‘Jasper! What are you doing with my sister?’

My mobile phones (cell phones)

When I got my first mobile it was for emergencies, in case I had problems with my car that sort of thing. Then it became useful on weekends when I was at football with one or more of my sons and my then husband was at another football match with one or more of our sons. We could keep each other up to date with match progress.

Then I got involved in the running of first one then two teams, before becoming club secretary. This meant that I needed to make more calls and texts to a variety of men and some women. Passing on information, such as match times and places. I found at this time that I was adding credit to my phone at least once or twice a week. It soon became apparent that it would be more cost effective for me to get a contract phone. In some ways this was good for me, it also signalled the end of my marriage, although I didn’t know it at the time. As I was no longer watching my usage carefully my rate of text messages in particular increased. My husband did not approve of the amount of time I was spending on my phone. He became suspicious, although he had no reason to be. He began to check my phone regularly, then my phone bill, this in turn led to him checking my emails and listening to my phone calls. It didn’t matter as there was never anything untoward. I was just chatting to friends and running a football club, no big mystery or sinister goings on. But he wasn’t satisfied. He made me paranoid, which in turn made me secretive.

Eventually I resorted to buying a second contract phone in secrecy. My intention being to spread the calls and text across both phones. The new one being kept on silent, in my bag so he wouldn’t notice it. However a few days later I received a letter from the company I had bought it from confirming the contract details. My then husband made the big mistake of opening that letter. We were both furious with each other. He was mad with me for buying the phone behind his back and I was furious with him for reading a letter addressed to me. For me this was the last straw and I vowed to divorce him from that moment. He could not understand how a phone could lead to us getting divorced. Just could not accept that it was just the last straw after everything else.

At around this time the contract of my original phone was up for renewal, he demanded I give him that phone as he now wanted it and after all it was in his name. So I was down to one phone again. A few months later I quit the football club as I was having problems with communication with the chairman who was also the manager of my team, which my son played for. (my wonderful husband! Had taken it upon himself to wrongly tell the chairman’s wife, that her husband was having an affair with me). We could no longer work together. That cut down the number of calls and text I had to make drastically. Then I met N, and we began our relationship, when I was at home we would chat on msn then when I went to bed we would continue to chat either by text or on the phone. Although I was in my room with the door shut and the radio on my husband would listen at the door. On several occasions he burst in through the door trying to grab my phone to see who I was talking to. One night we were fighting over my phone and he broke it. I was beside myself.

Next day I took my phone back to the shop for it to be repaired, this took several weeks so in the meantime I bought my self a pink Motorola v3 as a top up phone, swapped the sim cards over and now use that as my main phone. Eventually I got my Samsung back repaired free of charge. I now use the top up sim in the Samsung which has become my private phone. The number is only given to a very few people, a couple of friends and lovers, not even my family have this number. It very rarely rings but is mostly used for text messages.

My Motorola memory is often full as I cant keep deleting messages quick enough. This morning I have been exchanging text with two different men, approximately 10 text back and forth with FF very early this morning while I was still half a sleep, I still haven’t replied to his last message asking when we will have lunch together. Then all morning I have been swapping hot text with GPG who is a new prospective lover. I only gave him my mobile number yesterday, we have chatted on AFF and msn for a week or so. At this moment in time I have received 18 text from him and its only lunch time. I did go quiet when I switched my phone off for an hour while I was at hospital with one of my sons. On my phone right now are many texts from GPG , some have already been deleted. A couple of jokes that were sent to me last night, by some of my friends, a few messages from my contract supplier, a brief conversation with PL from last night, a few messages from close female friends, a few from SL and a number from GB. A few email alerts from msn. One of which I have just received telling me I have a comment from a fellow blogger. Most of my messages to and from SL,PL and GB are on my Samsung.

When I look back at how I used my mobile when I got my first one to what is on these two phones now there has been an awful lot of change. I guess it reflects the change in my life more than any other visible thing.
When I got my first mobile it was for emergencies, in case I had problems with my car that sort of thing. Then it became useful on weekends when I was at football with one or more of my sons and my then husband was at another football match with one or more of our sons. We could keep each other up to date with match progress.

Then I got involved in the running of first one ten two teams, before becoming club secretary. This meant that I needed to make more calls and texts to a variety of men and some women. Passing on information, such as match times and places. I found at this time that I was adding credit to my phone at least once or twice a week. It soon became apparent that it would be more cost effective for me to get a contract phone. In some ways this was good for me, it also signalled the end of my marriage, although I didn’t know it at the time. As I was no longer watching my usage carefully my rate of text messages in particular increased. My husband did not approve of the amount of time I was spending on my phone. He became suspicious, although he had no reason to be. He began to check my phone regularly, then my phone bill, this in turn led to him checking my emails and listening to my phone calls. It didn’t matter as there was never anything untoward. I was just chatting to friends and running a football club, no big mystery or sinister goings on. But he wasn’t satisfied. He made me paranoid, which in turn made me secretive.

Eventually I resorted to buying a second contract phone in secrecy. My intention being to spread the calls and text across both phones. The new one being kept on silent, in my bag so he wouldn’t notice it. However a few days later I received a letter from the company I had bought it from confirming the contract details. My then husband made the big mistake of opening that letter. We were both furious with each other. He was mad with me for buying the phone behind his back and I was furious with him for reading a letter addressed to me. For me this was the last straw and I vowed to divorce him from that moment. He could not understand how a phone could lead to us getting divorced. Just could not accept that it was just the last straw after everything else.

At around this time the contract of my original phone was up for renewal, he demanded I give him that phone as he now wanted it and after all it was in his name. So I was down to one phone again. A few months later I quit the football club as I was having problems with communication with the chairman who was also the manager of my team, which my son played for. (my wonderful husband! Had taken it upon himself to wrongly tell the chairman’s wife, that her husband was having an affair with me). We could no longer work together. That cut down the number of calls and text I had to make drastically. Then I met N, and we began our relationship, when I was at home we would chat on msn then when I went to bed we would continue to chat either by text or on the phone. Although I was in my room with the door shut and the radio on my husband would listen at the door. On several occasions he burst in through the door trying to grab my phone to see who I was talking to. One night we were fighting over my phone and he broke it. I was beside myself.

Next day I took my phone back to the shop for it to be repaired, this took several weeks so in the meantime I bought my self a pink Motorola v3 as a top up phone, swapped the sim cards over and now use that as my main phone. Eventually I got my Samsung back repaired free of charge. I now use the top up sim in the Samsung which has become my private phone. The number is only given to a very few people, a couple of friends and lovers, not even my family have this number. It very rarely rings but is mostly used for text messages.

My Motorola memory is often full as I cant keep deleting messages quick enough. This morning I have been exchanging text with two different men, approximately 10 text back and forth with FF very early this morning while I was still half a sleep, I still haven’t replied to his last message asking when we will have lunch together. Then all morning I have been swapping hot text with GPG who is a new prospective lover. I only gave him my mobile number yesterday, we have chatted on AFF and msn for a week or so. At this moment in time I have received 18 text from him and its only lunch time. for example: be nice if you would suck me..........thats good I am hard thinking about it.............really want to fuck you and lick you
I did go quiet when I switched my phone off for an hour while I was at hospital with one of my sons. On my phone right now are many texts from GPG , some have already been deleted. A couple of jokes that were sent to me last night, by some of my friends, a few messages from my contract supplier, a brief conversation with PL from last night, a few messages from close female friends, a few from SL and a number from GB. A few email alerts from msn. One of which I have just received telling me I have a comment from a fellow blogger. Most of my messages to and from SL,PL and GB are on my Samsung. As most of my pictures are taken on my motorola there are lots of those on there too. some more intimate than others. I have now learnt to put them on a memory stick to free up some of the memory not just on my pc but on my mobile too. Last week son #3 taught me how to get onto msn using my mobile so I have begun to do that too. Meaning I can now chat ( very slowly ) with my friends even when I cant get near the pc. I even wrote a short email on it last night. wow look at me technology at my fingertips....soon I shall be as proficeint as kids are.

When I look back at how I used my mobile when I got my first one to what is on these two phones now there has been an awful lot of change. I guess it reflects the change in my life more than any other visible thing.

devastated

Finally we met on saturday night, It was short but sweet. I had known since the very beginning there was something different. No matter how many times I wanted to call it a day. This thing just was not happening for us. I have posted several times about GB and been advised to drop him by some of my blogger friends. I couldn't do it. I just knew that if I did then I would be passing up something that could be good for me.

Now I am in two minds, Oh I am so glad I stuck with it, I love talking to GB online or by text, but when he phones me he could be saying anything at all, just hearing his voice makes me melt. How many times did I come close to telling him to get lost but didn't. Oh I told him more than once that I was on the verge of doing just that. gave him one more chance several times. How stupid am I ? to let someone I barely know rule my life in the way he has done for 3 months. If he said meet me in half an hour I would have done. whether it was midday, 6pm, midnight or even 3am I would have gone running. But why? we had met once for coffee and a snog 3 months ago. Last week finally we got to the stage of saying yes we were both available on thursday evening, we could spend some time together then I had to cancel because N who I didnt want anymore was here.

I should have told N that I didnt want him here, but I didnt. He had put an unexpected effort into valentines and I just couldnt throw it back in his face. I wanted a little time to pass then let him down gently, why I dont know as he was never that considerate with me. Everytime I thought things were going well he would text that we were finished and he was back with TB.

Anyway back to GB he threw his toys out the pram what I said I couldnt make it. Declared that it just wasnt going to work. I emailed him something about irony and it being the first definite decision he had made in three months. Wasnt he just throwing his toys out of the pram. He immediately admitted that I was right and changed his mind. Two days later we finally managed to meet again. We spent a delightful hour in each other's arms.
That night I slept better than I had done for months. There was a big smile on my face and every time I started to wake I just remembered the feel of his hands and lips on my body. It was such a warm and comforting feeling. We exchanged several text in the morning, we were both feeling very happy. Then came the blow. He said he couldnt stop smiling, but was feeling a tad guilty.

I couldnt say anything to him. I didn't know what to say. Then late at night I emailed him saying that I really do want to see him again and again, but if he needs space I'm not going to put pressure on him. During monday we spoke briefly online and he said that he had got my message and would rather phone me than write. But I didnt hear from him again, I knew he would be abroad today and tomorrow so I text him wishing him safe trip. since he said that he was feeling guilty I have been feeling very down, I wasnt prepared for the strength of my feelings for a man I have now met twice. a man who I have known from the start is married. So I have always known there can be no future. for two days now I have had to retire to my bed with excruciating headaches brought on by stress. This I know is partly due to my very dire financial situation at the moment, but also my fear that GB is going to call an end to the us that never has been. I really want him to work through his guilt feeling but still see me. If others can why cant he. But my gut instinct tells me that he wont. This morning while I was in my drug induced sleep getting over my headache. I was dreaming about all sorts of things mostly work in strange circumstances, when I dreampt I had a mystery phone call. Only it wasnt a mystery. It was on my secret phone, a man telling me I didnt know him but he gave his name, no one I knew. he said ' He is away in **** but he thinks he is in love with you'. I couldnt say anything just wept then the phone went dead.
This afternoon I was online when GB signed in. I waited ages, I know he doesnt speak to anyone else on msn. He only signed onto msn when he started chatting to me 3 months ago. Eventually I asked him if he is ok, he said yes and asked after me. I told him I had been poorly, I agonised over whether I should tell him that this was affecting my health. I dont want to scare him off. I told him that it was stress headaches, he asked if it was because of him/us I just said partly, but also due to money. He offered me money, but I prefer not to be beholden to anyone but I appreciate the offer.
He says that he hadnt been prepared for his feelings and he doesnt want to belittle what we have but feels he has to keep a distance from 'full on' as he has bitten off more than he can handle. nothing against me.

I know he isnt saying never again but I still feel devastated. I shouldnt be feeling this way.
I told him that I wasnt prepared for my feelings for him either, but I have arranged to go out with friends on friday to give myself something to look forward to.

update we have chatted again tonight while he was waiting for his plane early in the morning. But our conversation was kept purely neutral, nothing personal, but at least we are still chatting.