Rejection or not

With a trembling hand I pressed the button that said send. Too late now!! I couldn’t take it back. I had just sent the email to GB. I told him that I understand his pangs of guilt but I still want very much to see him. I don’t want to do anything that will risk his marriage. But could we please still see each other just when he is comfortable about it. Once the email had gone I knew I would not concentrate on anything. I was like a cat on a hot tin roof. Will he reply and if he does when will it be? Would it be today or will I have to wait. When and if he does reply will it be the rejection that I so fear. Of course it will and now I have prompted him to tell me that the ‘us’ that never really was can not now ever be. He will tell me that it was wonderful, that I am wonderful but he cannot risk a repeat. I feel sick in the stomach as well as in the heart. I just know that I have shot myself in the foot. If I had just waited, not pushed him, then maybe he might have decided that he still wanted me enough to overcome his fears.

I busy myself with shopping, I only need a few things but by the time I reach the checkout I have a trolley full and reduced my bank balance drastically. But I have been able to keep my mind occupied. I find I have some new lingerie, as well as a new camera, and that was before I got any food.Later, I am putting the food away in the cupboards when the text hits my phone. It tells me that I have an email from GB. All I can read are the first few words.

It’s good to know you are cool about my apparent ‘about turn’.

I need to go online to read the rest of his email. But I can’t. One of my boys is on the only computer connected to the net. I am scared I don’t want to read his reply. I text HMU he tells me that I must read it. I know that, but I am scared of what I will read. I really feel sick now, much more than earlier. Then I was worried but now I know the rejection has arrived and I don’t want to see the words in black and white. Once I have read them I won’t be able to kid myself that there is still a chance. I don’t want to read the email when I am surrounded by my family. I want to be on my own when I open the much dreaded yet wished for email.

Using my mobile from the privacy of my bedroom I sign onto my email box and open the envelope. I read the same words I had already seen then I carry on reading. He is pleased that I still want something from him, he was enjoying it too. But we need to find some middle ground. OMG he still wants to see me. It isn’t the end of the road. We need to talk about where we go from here but that can wait. The important thing is that we both still want to see each other. Where my heart had felt like lead moments ago I now feel like singing and I know I am grinning like a mad woman. I text HMU :-)
He replies I take it you have now read the reply.
I send a text to GB x x x x.
I didn’t need to say anything he will know I have read his reply. Perhaps we will get to speak either online or by phone in the next day or two. I just feel so much happier now than I have for the past week. I am so grateful to HMU he told me to tell GB how I feel, I had thought if I did that it would be putting pressure on him, but HMU said that men need to be told they are wanted. I thought that was us women who need the reassurances. I had thought if I said I wanted him he would run away from me.