starting at the beginning

where to start ?

ok so this is my first attempt to do this.

I have always found it easy to put pen to paper so how hard could this be...I've been putting my thoughts and feelings on paper for most of the year.

where to start?

I suppose I should explain what my battle is about
I was brought up with good middle class values. As a child I attended Sunday school regularly. I believed that if you were a good christian you got married and had a monogamous life....extra marital sex was out. Good christian girls have sex to please their husband and if they are lucky they will also get some pleasure from this. Sex before marriage was frowned upon.I have always tried to live a good christian life even if I have never been religious.

I had my first sexual experience when I was 17 with a young man who was my first love. from that first time I knew I liked sex and wanted more. At the age of 18 I was engaged to be married to M 21. Like most red bloodied males he wanted sex (so did I but I made him wait until I was ready...couldnt offer myself to him too quickly). 6months after we got engaged (valentines day) I had stayed at his home with him and his younger brother whilst the rest of his family were on holiday. During that time M's brother got his GSE O'level results and mother phoned home to find out what he had got. She also asked If I had stayed at the house while they were away. Because I had ...regardless that M had been sleeping in a different room (but not all night) their mother decided that if we ever got married in white she would not be at the wedding. I was shunned from that day on......couldn't visit the house or phone my fiance at home. If we were out and his parents were around I had to hide. I felt more like a mistress than a fiancee. Needless to say that relationship failed. However I did come away from that relationship with a strong belief that for women sex outside marriage was wrong.

so what has been my battle....... my sexual appetite versus my beliefs.