Risks

I was going to reply to some of the comments about my dilemma. But decided to do a new post instead.

Risks hmmm throughout my life I have been pretty shy (you might find that hard to believe considering the content of my blog). But even when I was at school if anything had to be done and none of my friends were brave enough it would always be me that would take the plunge and do or say it. I always considered that odd. My friends were much more lively than me but I was the brave one even if I was the quietest.

I always felt like the wallflower at parties and discos the one that nobody noticed. Oh I had my fair share of boyfriends. I can remember someone saying to me once when I was about 23

you don't have a very happy love lifebut it is certainly interesting.

I think she was right there. I was the one who went on holiday alone after I ended my engagement and came home involved with a married man. I was the one who had to have her work calls screened by reception because a mad wife was making threats.

Then I stopped taking risks. I didnt want to get hurt anymore so I opted to marry a man I didnt love. If I didnt give him my heart he couldnt hurt me. 19 years I bumbled along not really living.

Then I got cancer and decided this was my wake up call. I was given a second chance to start living again. I took a couple of years getting my strength back then I made my decision. I am a woman and I needed to remember that. I am not just a nobody who can be taken for granted. I decided that finally I was over my broken heart and I wantd to live again. I knew that my decision would mean that I would be taking risks. I accepted that I would get hurt again it is all part and parcel of being alive. If we dont have the hurt how can we appeciate the good things in life.

A couple of months ago I took a risk which I blogged about on here. I took a risk sending an email to a man I had strong feelings for. He was having guilt pangs about seeing me. I really wanted to carry on seeing him but would understand if he felt he couldn't. I was expectng him to say he would not see me. when his reply came I didnt want to read it because I was convinced it would not be the answer I wanted. I was wrong! he did want to see me still. So I had taken the risk and it paid off. Or so it seemed. But in reality what he wanted and what he was prepared to do were two different things. Eventually I found that I couldn't cope with the situation any longer and I ended it myself.

I am not above taking risks and I agree with those of you who have said so......taking risks can make you feel alive. But it would be stupid to just take on every risk. I have to assess each risk to decide if this is one I am prepared to take.