slow and bossy readers

seeing as my readers are not only slow but bossy I shall try to write a quick but satisfactory explanation.

After my marriage ended I got involved with a man who messed me around (N). Last summer he really hurt me and I wanted to get him out of my mind once and for all. I joined Adult friend finder (AFF), I didn't think I could possibly go and meet anyone just for sex and anyway no one would be interested in me. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was inundated and what was more they came back for more. it really did my self confidence a world of good and I began to realise that even without the perfect body I was desirable. I soon found myself with several regular lovers/fuck buddies/friends with benefits. I knew that this would only be a temporary thing for me whilst I was not ready to enter a relationship again.

one night whilst chatting online to one of my lovers we decided that in order for me to experiment and try new and different things we would swing together as a couple. we set up a new profile looking primarily for other couples to play with. I had never been with another woman or more than one man so this was all a bit exciting and daunting at the same time for me. during our search for a suitable couple my partner found The man and ella. he put me in contact with the man and we began chatting online. He told me about his blog which I then read and got hooked. I decided I could do this so started this blog. I also met Thomas aka my knight in tarnished armour through the joint profile. we began chatting and out of that came the lady and her knight email fantasy. 9 months on we are still in lust but he is attached so not a real prospect for me. I also began to talk to a man who had recently gone seperate ways from his partner. Never the less we began chatting and over the months we became very good friends. This was of course Forest. Forest loved to read about all my adventures we used to talk about what I had done and who with how I felt about it all etc. then I started feeling that I had reached a stage where I didnt want to do the fuck buddy/ friends with benfits thing any more. I wanted more. I wanted someone who I could go out with do things with. we discussed all this (what I wanted etc). It was always about me. He never told me much about him saying he would tell me more when he wasnt chatting from work. But we only chatted while he was at work. Then finally we met for a lunch time drink, I went to meet a friend and came away knowing that this friendship could never be the same again. The next day we went for a walk for an hour before I had to dash off to collect my youngest from school. I knew by then that I was hooked, I wanted him. then I became ill, he was very solicitous, texting me daily to make sure I was ok both morning and evening. I liked that he cared enough. When I started to get better he came to see me and give me some TLC. I didnt hear from him for a few days after this as he was very busy at work but I didnt know this and my paranoia began.I had already decided that I didn't want to see anyone else, I wanted to just see one man and for me that man was and still is Forest. I told my other men that I wouldn't be seeing them anymore. Other than Mr Passionate I couldn't bring myself to drop him, we hadn't seen each other for a few months anyway. But things were not going as I would like with Forest. He was very busy and I began to work which meant that he couldn't pop round to see me during the day as he had a couple of times. I got frustrated not so much that we didn't see each other although I longed to see him more often but his inability to communicate if it wasn't by msn during the day. Oxo asked me to go to see him and out of frustration I went. Just as I was going Forest text me which made me even more frustrated so I told him I was going to see smeone else. He seemed to find it funny which made it worse. then at the start of august I had my only experience of
spanking, It was several months in the planning, when the time came I had the opportunity to ask a lover to join me in the hotel room afterwards. I asked Forest he accepted but didnt want to get in the way of any plans I might have to see anyone else. Grrrrr why couldn't he see its only him that I want. he came to see me but only stayed about 2 hrs then went home!!!!

the next day I began chatting to fireman sam by accident (I thought he was someone else with the same name). since then I have seen him twice. I now find that I only want Forest but he seems to think I should still see others. I get that he isn't ready to be in a relationship but he won't tell me what he does want. my dilema is do I carry on seeing others or just see him. A large part of me says just see him, but he might find that hard to cope with besides I do like these other men. I don't want to tell him about what I get up to with others because i don't want there to be a need for others. Maybe its the others in my life that make him want me. maybe he wouldn't want me if there were no others.

update

whilst writing this Forest came online and we chatted and I ended up telling him that I saw Fireman Sam at the weekend. He wanted to know about it, I told him very little the conversation then got abit kinky which I teased him about but I did manage to get across that I had been turning down sex.

why?

because I wasn't bothered.........and im not going to have sex unless I really want to

fair enough........does that mean you are loosing your drive?


no it means I go through phases and there are some men I would prefer to be with

that makes sense very much so

he is about 3rd on the ladder if I don't include the 2 that I lust after but circumstances prevent us getting together

that was a great statement made me smile

the conversation got silly after that, he didn't ask who were first and second on the ladder. I hope he knows he is number one he should do. I hope this clears up some of the confusion. If not just ask me anything you want to know.