Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Lust or respect

I have been thinking about him quite a bit recently and I am not sure this can go on. He hurt me in the past when he wanted me as his sex toy but I wanted him to want me for me. I vowed then that I would never see him again. But gradually he won me around. He began inviting me round to his place for a cup of tea but the tea was never finished. The kissing always began as soon as I got through the door.

The kissing always led to more .....led to his bed even.

When we first met (face to face that is) after chatting as friends for 6 months he knew all about my experimenting. He knew about all the guys I had met. But he also knew that I had decided to give up experimenting, that I wanted a steady relationship. I had resisted meeting him for months but when we did meet wow I was besotted. He asked me why I had changed my mind. I thought he meant why had I changed my mind about meeting him. I had always known we would meet eventually so I hadn't changed my mind at all.

I later realised he had been asking me why I had changed my mind about being friends with benefits. (I hadn't but he thought I had). After several fraught but passionate months (passionate on my part) we parted company. I had told him several times that I didn't want to be his sex toy. But that is exactly what I was, what I was again when we began meeting up the second time around. Although this second time I was able to keep my heart protected, I distanced my heart from the physical relationship we were having.

Then he moved, sold his house, rendering him unable to keep up our rendevouz. It has been 18 months now since we were last together. We still chat, usually on Windows Live Messenger, I log in to look at my emails at lunchtime. He starts to chat, sometimes daily other times a week or more goes by. Sometimes we send text messages on our mobile phones.

Recently I was invited to Munich in September to meet a group of online friends during Oktoberfest.I asked him if he would like to go with me. I have no idea what made me ask him, it seemed like a good idea at the time. He can't go, he already has plans for that weekend...I told him no worries it was just an idea.

'A good idea '

Last week I was trying to track my son's flight as he set off on his latest adventure. The flight wasn't showing up so I checked his face book page for any news. There wasn't any so I tried the facebook page of his travel companion. From there I followed links that led me to him. I had never tried to find him before even though I had known there were links between us. It only took me a few minutes to find him. Not on facebook but an image on google. I had not seen the image before but it was definitely him. I gazed at that photo several times over the next few days remembering his kisses, how it had felt to be held in his arms. The feel of his hands clutching my hair.

I even began letting myself imagine how it would be if we were more than just friends with benefits. But then I came to my senses. I know he only talks to me when he is feeling horny, even if 95% of our conversations are non sexual.

I know he likes talking to me about any number of things but I also know that he doesn't respect me. He finds me sexy, but he doesn't find me worthy of his love only his lust. This in itself means that he is not worthy of my love.

In recent days I have been mulling over whether I should just stop having any contact with him. I rarely initiate contact, maybe I should tell him to stop contacting me. First I have to decide whether I want to keep him as a friend but at a distance or cut him out of my life. I have not come to a decision yet. I know he cares about me, has done for the last 5 years almost, but is caring enough reason to continue a friendship based on lust.

It has been several weeks since we last chatted on Live Messenger so I was amazed to see a message from him today, not just amazed but gobsmacked..........

Right now I really need your fingers around my b***s and your mouth around my c**k.


I can't believe you said that!

It was very unexpected to see these words on my screen whilst I was at work. He said that he had been remembering how it felt. He told me that I am very good at it. Maybe but it was still unexpected. The conversation then moved on to other things but it didn't matter. As flattering as it is to be told that even after such a length of time he still feels the need to tell me how good I made him feel. It just underlines the fact that he sees me as a sex object not as a mature woman that he respects. If he doesn't respect me then there is no future for my friendship with Forest.

Should I tell him how I am feeling, tell him to show me that he does respect me or I am off. Or do I just say nothing and let him fade from my life. (That is what I have been doing with both Plumber and Sailor).