have a good weekend

Two buddies, Bob and Don, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Don throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and
Tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars
for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Don stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You
Reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Don says, "Nowainaminit, I
Can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But
Thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz
liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Guts and Balls

Distinction between "Guts " and "Balls"

Medical Distinctions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you reallyknow the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, beingmet by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are youstill cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smellingof perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife onthe butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG
An elementary school class started a class project
to make planters to take home to their parents.
They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of,
so they decided to use cactus plants.
The students were given green-ware pottery planters
in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze.
The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing
so they could see the process. It was great fun! They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters
and they grew nicely,
but unfortunately,
the children were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed
and small ivy replaced them
and the children were then allowed to take them home instead. The teacher said cactus' seemed like a good idea at the time! !!!!!!

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May the rest of your day be the best of your day!

party

The party was good.

It was my new boss's 50th and she kindly invited me along even though I have only worked there for 2 weeks. I was going with my friend (posh bird) she has been my friend and neighbour for 10 years. She begged me to take this job. she is the accounts manager. I persuaded my son to drive us there and collect us afterwards.

I don't drink often but decided to stick to white wine all evening. I chatted to some of the people from work who I don't get to chat to much. lost count of how many glasses of wine were bought for me I was enjoying myself. until about 11.30 when I went to the ladies and threw up.

I collected my coat and bag took myelf outside to sit on a bench in the rain. phoned son to come get us. felt sick again so went to stand on the grass got my foot stuck in a huge puddle lost my shoe Posh bird was laughing her head off watching me. By the time #1 had arrived I was walking and carrying shoes. I think its the first time hes seen me drunk.

when we got home I had a shock. Ran to bathroom still barefoot only to discover the floor was flooded and toilet blocked!!! So I had to deal with that while still feeling sick.

woke up this morning feeling fine just a slight headache

going to blah

Its friday and I'm going to see the gang again but this time in Blah. I am getting text messages from Waynecoff hes hurt his leg doesnt know if he can drive there. I tell him I will fetch him on the way if he wants. I have two options motorway all the way or go across country. Wayne says he will go on his motorbike if hes able to go so no lift needed. As I can't set off until after the school run I will get caught up in the rush hour. according to google maps it will take me 2hrs 20mins by motorway and 2hrs 50 across country.

3.20pm I have done the important paper work I needed to do, found and ironed the clothes I want to take with me, although I couldn't find the particular red top I wanted then realise its in the dirty laundry basket. Have made an enormous corned beef hash for the boys to have while I'm out. have been shopping so there is plenty of food in the house. my make up bag is in the bathroom. I decide not to put any on until I get to blah. can't decide whether to take a pair of heels or flats, will take both. Pack the car with my bedding and overnight bag. pack of mints and bottle of coke for the journey. 4.05pm text Vi to let her know I'm just leaving. as usual theres a crisis but I forget what it was now. so its 4.20 when I leave. Just reach the motorway when I realise that I didnt follow that age old advice of going to the loo before leaving. I have chosen to take the cross country route. I am relieved when there is nothing on the travel news about the route I am taking but there are hold ups already on the other route. I have said I should arrive 6.30/7.00pm

On route I miss a turning on a ring road and find myself going miles and I mean miles out of my way. Finally manage to get back onto the right route but its already 7pm and I have to go through lots of villages with 30m speed limits. there are speed cameras everywhere. I think they all migrated from across the country just to annoy me. I can't afford another speed fine so must be good. 7.30 Vi text asking how its going. I finally get to hers at 7.45pm she greets me at the door as I hug her and say I need the loo quick!! and Omg Fussy bitch is wearing the same top I brought with me. I won't be wearing that then. I get changed realise make up still in bathroom at home. I'm handed a can of beer which is soon empty. the girls immediately ask me what is he like? I dont need to ask who they are referring to. Middy arrives and princess (aka goro) produces bottle of bubbly. sober photos taken. princess most impressed that Middy's tripod fits her hole! Wayne had text me earlier he isnt coming his leg is too bad. I send him a few drunken text and picture during the evening.
we head off walking into the village I have a vague memory of singing bits of .....hey baby. Middy and Princess are discussing football as I walk with FB this is the first chance we have had to chat one to one. Cant remember what we talked about.
the first pub I dont have a clue which one it is. Barbie is serving just as stunning as her pics. we find a table or two and are joined by Fee and Fifi. at different times in the evening I have talked to both and they are both lovely. Vi chats to a lad who works in the co-op but she assures me not the one who still has a girlfriend. FB manages to throw a chair at him. he leaves then knocks on the window he left his jacket. we all discover that there is no service on our phones. FB and Princess talk about being gemini the four of them have a whale of a time. from now on those two become four!
we set off for the CU where Vi works sometimes. she is set for a row about the rude and unbecoming behaviour of the chef earlier in the day. I'm stood at the bar with princess when I get chatted up by one of the locals. (turns out to be Fifi's boyfriend). I lose all perspective of time through out the night. But I do know that I spend a lot of time going to the loo. must be the unacustomed amount of beer I have been drinking. my bladder thinks its on over time. during the night I have sent a numer of drunken text to several people. Forest I checked my phone earlier sorry for texting you at that time but I meant it even if I was pissed. Vi introduces me to vodka and red bull.....yes I like that! I have no idea what time we got told to leave by a very tall blonde barmaid..they wanted to lock up. I'm sure when we left the pub there were a lot more of us than arrived a Vi's. I vaguely remember walking in not very straight lines with Middy and Princess. I was fine walking but as soon as I sat down when we got inside my head began spinning, everone else was crowding in the kitchen where Vi had a huge pot of chilli. I had been looking forward to this (had hardly eaten all day in fact for several days). It wasn't long before I was in the loo again but this time throwing up. I have no idea how long I was throwing up for but Vi dragged me upstairs to the spare room. I could till hear the banter and laughter from the others. At one point I think I was throwing up again!! I heard shouts of 'Joie, joie' so i knew there was global chat going on. I really wanted to join the others for the rest of the night but sleep was calling. I had warned Vi a few weeks ago that as I rarely drink much, when I do drink I either fall asleep or throw up.
I woke up about 6am just as Middy and FB were looking for somewhere to crash out. Vi was alseep in her room so they went to the kids room. I heard lots of laughter and muttering as I now know Middy was trying to climb into the top bunk. FB later said that men dont normally have that much trouble climbing on top of her! I can hear a phone bleeping with a text. I wander downstairs Princess asleep on one sofa Fee and Crip on the other. I cant see my bag or my phone so go back to bed. My leg is incredibly painful I have no idea why. but after turning over and sleeping again it is fine. about 8am I got cleaned up and changed in the bathroom. some thing flies out of my pocket into the pan. I suddenly realise it can only be my memory stick so have to fish it out and hope the water hasn't got into it. just checked it is ok. another wander downstairs chat to Fee as I get a drink of water and retrieve my phone here are two pink V3's mine and FB's.I find right one theres a text from Wayne are we still up (5.15am). then back to bed again. get up finally when Vi emerges about half hour later. we chat in the kitchen Fee and Crip had just left, Princess wakes and the three of us chat for few hours over mugs of tea and sausage sandwiches. we talk about our own lives and the different blogs we read. finally Middy and FB appear at about midday. I need to head home see if I still have one. going back by motorway this time. still takes me 3 1/4 hrs with road works and speed restrictions!!
Long soak in the bath and a sleep before I feel human again.
Play agony aunt to several bloggers. come to think of it every text I have received today has been from a blogger!