busy little bee

I came online to write up my homework for tomorrow

I still have not done that

I finally made a decision about the book that I shall be trying to write

I now know what it will be about, where it starts, how far back it will go, the format and where it will be going and most important who the main character is

I have chatted online, by email, by phone and by text

Sammy has returned from a trip to Spain so it was nice to talk to him

Oxo is going to have a look at my pc on thursday to see if he can rectify the missing sound (he has some other plans too)

Having chatted to Sammy and Oxo I was somewhat suprised to find myself chatting to Fireman Sam as he winds down after a busy shift

I have told him that I am giving up the FWB lifestyle

He wants me one more time first before I do

I am going to tell Mr Passionate when I see him that this is the last time.

Its odd but I have been feeling semi lonely in the last week but out of all the men in my life the one I have wnated to be with is the one I have not met. I chatted to forest and Neptune but it was Sammy I wanted to chat to most.

having a good day

so far today has turned out just great.

its been a mixture of little things but I am feeling good.

I still think about forest but in a different way now. I hope we can still be friends but I don't know that I could ever have sex with him again. In theory it would be no different to the other guys I have had as fwb. But in practice I don't think it would work. Even in a fwb situation there has to be a chemistry a certain amount of passion. If I had sex with him again I would have to shut out all the feelings that I had had before which would leave me just going through the motions which would not be very enjoyable therefore pointless. So he will have to find himself a replacement.

As for me I am in no hurry to replace him either in bed or in my heart.

my morning started with a suprise message. it didn't say much just sammy saying sorry he fell asleep last night he was off to work now. You are probably thinking who the hell is Sammy?

I have been chatting to Sammy for months now, he shares the same name as Fireman Sam which led to my first chat with FS being one I thought I was having with Sammy. I was so embarrassed when I realised that FS was a man I had not chatted to before especially considering what I had just been telling him about my night before which sammy knew was about to happen.

I have been chatting online to Sammy all week. he has been my rock this week, bolstering my confidence telling me off when I say anything negative. reminding me how to behave where men are concerned. coaching me in how to win a real man, a man who will treat me as I deserve to be treated, not that I am looking at the moment. he also not only lusts after me which is nice to know at this time, but he also appreciates my crap humour and my writing. he lives a couple of hours drive away not insurmountable but not local. Last night he went to a party, but he was back on his computer talking to me well before midnight. I jokingly said he left the party early because he was missing me. He says that was it. He was wishing he was here with me. Pulleaseeee don't!!! as flattering as that is I don't need it right now.

Now that #4 son is at senior school there are going to be times when he gets home first, so I said I would get him his own door key. #2 son has mislaid his so that needed replacing. #4 son wanted to come with me so after we dropped off #3 son who was going to see his g/f (3 months now!). we did something we have never done before. We took my car through the car wash. Just a simple thing to do but for us it was exciting and I am so pleased my car looks clean and shiny again. We also had our lunch at subway which I don't normally do. It was nice to spend some time just the two of us and have these little treats.

This afternoon after I had dropped him off at his friend's house I went home. Just #2 son in the house. I was on the crap pc trying to check emails on my other accounts. checked one of the dating sites I don't use but it has my profile on because I had joined one of its sister sites. One guy from a local town has checked me out 14 times in one day !!..........I sent him a message

wow 14 views !! either you have a bad memory and don't remember who you already looked at or perhaps you like what you see. (no rude pics)...Hmmm when I have finished this I shall go see if he has replied or even just looked again.

then while I was looking at emails oh and blogs I was on chopski's blog at the time I get a window open up and Neptune is chatting. earlier in the week I had been exchanging messages with him whilst chatting to Sammy. I gave Neptune my msn address and we began chatting. I showed him a picture from last week's quiz. I don't think it is a good picture of me as I was moving (laughing) at the time. He commented that I looked different in this picture. We chatted for a while then he said he had to go and sleep, I didn't mind as I had a headache and it was getting late. I figured that I wouldn't hear from him again. before I began chatting on msn I had changed my picture from the usual one (which shows a lot of cleavage) to

I had heeded all sammy's instructions ( I knew this anyway I had worked it out for myself) about not letting Neptune know about my sexual side. Not until I am secure, if that ever happens. anyway I needn't worry as after seeing the picture from the quiz he had lost interest, or so I thought. I decided that I would not try to contact him, if he was interested he would contact me. In the past few weeks we had been in contact virtually everyday. by today I had heard nothing from him for 4 days so obviously he is no longer interested. But I was wrong. Just like last saturday he was asking what i have planned and talked about the next social event I have signed up for. He was trying to pin point where the pub is, he knows parts of the city, he was involved with a woman from the city for a few years. then we talked about TV and I was saying I don't watch it. I was a little stunned when he said did that mean if he comes to my place he won't be allowed to watch match of the day. ahem that was presumptous thinking he would come to my house. firstly I wouldn't introduce any man to my kids until we had been together for a quite a while. secondly I would expect that if he came to my house it would be to see me not bloody match of the day !!!

But its nice to know that he is thinking along those lines. I am playing it cool, just chatting as friends nothing more and when I had to go offline to fetch #3 son I just said it had been nice chatting (nothing about chatting again) I hope you are all proud of me cos I am.

Oh and as I wasn't expecting to hear from him the cleavage picture was on show. Once we began chatting I didn't change the picture or mention it as I didn't want to draw attention to it. He didn't mention it either. Most men say ..........wow love the picture!! if I take it down they ask for it back. I just wonder what he thought of it. It does show me laughing so it is good for that reason as well as the cleavage.......maybe I shall crop it it one day then post it on here.

slow and bossy readers

seeing as my readers are not only slow but bossy I shall try to write a quick but satisfactory explanation.

After my marriage ended I got involved with a man who messed me around (N). Last summer he really hurt me and I wanted to get him out of my mind once and for all. I joined Adult friend finder (AFF), I didn't think I could possibly go and meet anyone just for sex and anyway no one would be interested in me. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was inundated and what was more they came back for more. it really did my self confidence a world of good and I began to realise that even without the perfect body I was desirable. I soon found myself with several regular lovers/fuck buddies/friends with benefits. I knew that this would only be a temporary thing for me whilst I was not ready to enter a relationship again.

one night whilst chatting online to one of my lovers we decided that in order for me to experiment and try new and different things we would swing together as a couple. we set up a new profile looking primarily for other couples to play with. I had never been with another woman or more than one man so this was all a bit exciting and daunting at the same time for me. during our search for a suitable couple my partner found The man and ella. he put me in contact with the man and we began chatting online. He told me about his blog which I then read and got hooked. I decided I could do this so started this blog. I also met Thomas aka my knight in tarnished armour through the joint profile. we began chatting and out of that came the lady and her knight email fantasy. 9 months on we are still in lust but he is attached so not a real prospect for me. I also began to talk to a man who had recently gone seperate ways from his partner. Never the less we began chatting and over the months we became very good friends. This was of course Forest. Forest loved to read about all my adventures we used to talk about what I had done and who with how I felt about it all etc. then I started feeling that I had reached a stage where I didnt want to do the fuck buddy/ friends with benfits thing any more. I wanted more. I wanted someone who I could go out with do things with. we discussed all this (what I wanted etc). It was always about me. He never told me much about him saying he would tell me more when he wasnt chatting from work. But we only chatted while he was at work. Then finally we met for a lunch time drink, I went to meet a friend and came away knowing that this friendship could never be the same again. The next day we went for a walk for an hour before I had to dash off to collect my youngest from school. I knew by then that I was hooked, I wanted him. then I became ill, he was very solicitous, texting me daily to make sure I was ok both morning and evening. I liked that he cared enough. When I started to get better he came to see me and give me some TLC. I didnt hear from him for a few days after this as he was very busy at work but I didnt know this and my paranoia began.I had already decided that I didn't want to see anyone else, I wanted to just see one man and for me that man was and still is Forest. I told my other men that I wouldn't be seeing them anymore. Other than Mr Passionate I couldn't bring myself to drop him, we hadn't seen each other for a few months anyway. But things were not going as I would like with Forest. He was very busy and I began to work which meant that he couldn't pop round to see me during the day as he had a couple of times. I got frustrated not so much that we didn't see each other although I longed to see him more often but his inability to communicate if it wasn't by msn during the day. Oxo asked me to go to see him and out of frustration I went. Just as I was going Forest text me which made me even more frustrated so I told him I was going to see smeone else. He seemed to find it funny which made it worse. then at the start of august I had my only experience of
spanking, It was several months in the planning, when the time came I had the opportunity to ask a lover to join me in the hotel room afterwards. I asked Forest he accepted but didnt want to get in the way of any plans I might have to see anyone else. Grrrrr why couldn't he see its only him that I want. he came to see me but only stayed about 2 hrs then went home!!!!

the next day I began chatting to fireman sam by accident (I thought he was someone else with the same name). since then I have seen him twice. I now find that I only want Forest but he seems to think I should still see others. I get that he isn't ready to be in a relationship but he won't tell me what he does want. my dilema is do I carry on seeing others or just see him. A large part of me says just see him, but he might find that hard to cope with besides I do like these other men. I don't want to tell him about what I get up to with others because i don't want there to be a need for others. Maybe its the others in my life that make him want me. maybe he wouldn't want me if there were no others.

update

whilst writing this Forest came online and we chatted and I ended up telling him that I saw Fireman Sam at the weekend. He wanted to know about it, I told him very little the conversation then got abit kinky which I teased him about but I did manage to get across that I had been turning down sex.

why?

because I wasn't bothered.........and im not going to have sex unless I really want to

fair enough........does that mean you are loosing your drive?


no it means I go through phases and there are some men I would prefer to be with

that makes sense very much so

he is about 3rd on the ladder if I don't include the 2 that I lust after but circumstances prevent us getting together

that was a great statement made me smile

the conversation got silly after that, he didn't ask who were first and second on the ladder. I hope he knows he is number one he should do. I hope this clears up some of the confusion. If not just ask me anything you want to know.

greeting with a difference

most IM messages begin with variations of hi or hello or how are you. so imagine my reaction when I logged onto msn this morning to find an off line message from Fireman Sam. 'would you like to suck me tonight'. that was in nothing else posted at about 6.30am. I just laughed im not used to greetings like that. Obviously im used to being asked the question but not in this way. As yet I have not replied.

it hit me

it has hit me this morning part of why I have been feeling so tetchy

I enjoy talking to the various men in my life
but recently I have been getting quite a few offers from them wanting to see me again
this surely is a good thing but I am not seeing it that way
yes I like these men and enjoy their company and of course the sex
I have turned down all the offers I have had in the last week

Oxo invited me over but i declined, he now has family staying with him for the bank holiday weekend so I wont be hearing from him now until they have gone.

Fireman Sam has been chatting at least once or twice a day for the past few days, hes has invited me to his place.

Rusty has been texting me, he wants to see me again

Even Lotto has reappeared on the scene, I met him in march and it wasnt until weeks later when we were chatting that I realised he fancied me, he says he didnt realise I fancied him either. every now and then we chat but this last week we have chatted several times and he makes it clear he wants to see me. He even turned down another woman last night who had propositioned him in the pub then text him.

Partly I am turning them down because I have virtually no money and what I do have I need to feed the kids in the next few days and I dont want to waste money on petrol.

But this morning when I was replying to an email from prada pixie it hit me the real reason is that I dont want to be in this position of getting offers and deciding whether I want to accept or decline. It is another week before I am expecting forest to get back from his holiday but he is the one I want to see. Ok I could as I said a couple of weeks ago spend virtually every night having sex with one or other of my creche. but that is not what I want. I want to be in a relationship with forest where he is the only one I see. No more making decisions about whether I want to see this one on this day or that one on that day. I like all these men, if I didnt I wouldn't have them in my life but as much as I like them they are not forest. It isn't that any of them are wrong for me they just are not the one I want to be with.

I dont know where I am ............but thats ok

I dont know where I am but thats ok

I have tried unsuccessfully not to think about forest too much while he is away.
I have tried to occupy myself
I have tried to remove him from my mind
I have tried searching dating sites for someone to replace him
I have chatted on msn
I have had text conversations
I have exchanged emails

I have not been frantic
I have not been in a panic
I have not been throwing myself at every available man
I have not been totally good
I have not been terribly naughty either
I have not kept Forest from my mind

In the past week I have had offers
Oxo asked me to visit him and stay over I declined
Fireman Sam has hinted and I said maybe
Fireman Sam has even asked me to play with him I declined
Rusty has teased me with his text
Rusty has requested a repeat of our previous meeting I can't decide
Do these men think that I am avoiding them personally

I want to keep occupied
I dont want to think
yet I feel disinclined to accept these offers
it isn't that I have gone off sex
It isn't that I am saving myself
I just don't feel in a space where sex is everything
I feel as though these offers are something I can take or leave
I am choosing to leave for the moment and just be here
I leave my boys while I indulge in pleasure often enough
for the moment I shall just be here with them

I am not feeling the peaks and troughs that go with passion
I am feeling serene and calm
no need to rock the boat
I am happy just chatting, texting and emailing
I am connecting with friends old and new
just being me

I am trying to work out what I want
I am trying to work out what I dont want
I am lost without emotion
but that is ok

Too busy

I was too busy to post very much last night.

firstly I was using the crap slow computer that misses out letters which makes anything I write a painstakingly slow process filling in all the missing letters only to find that when I publish other letters have gone missing ........so frustrating for me as I like my writing to be perfect.

but more because I spent the entire evening between playing taxi, chief cook and bottle washer to the family chatting to sexy Lotto who I met once back in march. We have not met again since because we are looking for different things but we both find the other very sexy. every few weeks I find an offline message from him checking that I am ok and telling me he still finds me sexy. Last night we were online at the same time. Oh and I had a brief chat with fireman Sam too.

while the cat is away..............

George has asked me if it will be a long three weeks while Forest is away. I have to say that there is the potential for it to be very long. After all I was climbing the walls when I couldn't contact him for 2 weeks. Now I know he is away for 3 weeks it did hurt when I found his message. Not because he is away, I don't begrudge him a holiday, he is very hard working not just in his work but in his private life too. I am assuming that he has taken his children away with him, I could never wish him not to spend time with his children who he cares for very much, this is so obvious when he talks about them. What hurt was the way he told me, but more than anything that he left it until the last minute to tell me. He probably did this for one of two reasons, either it didn't occur to him until the last minute to tell me, then realised that I would go crazy if I didn't hear from him for that length of time without knowing the reason. Or he didn't want to tell me before as he was worried about how I would react to the news that he would be away. I would have reacted much better if he had told me before. I would have like to ask him where he was going what it is like there etc. Now I am wondering if it will occur to him to send me a postcard he had better not say he couldn't as he doesn't know my address. He has been here a few times, I had to give him my address for him to find my house.

Anyway onto the subject of the next three weeks for me.
Ronjazz has told me that I only need to be true to myself not anyone else. He is right and I have to say that my decision to behave myself and nor see others was because that was how I wanted it not because any man had asked me not to see anyone else. All the men I see including Forest are happy for me to see others (or at least thats what they say).So for a few months I saw forest then gradually began to see Oxo again. Then Mr Passionate crept back into bed with me last week. You know that thing the more you have the more you want. Well in the last week I have seen 2 men that I hadn't seen before, I am making plans to see Thomas again. I am due to see another man Rusty this week also. Although we have not met already we began chatting last year and did arrange to meet at one point but his business meeting over ran and we just never got around to rearranging the date until now. So far from crying myself asleep every night I think maybe I shall be too busy to worry too much about what was his name again?

Dark master has plans to have me spanked when his sex slave comes over from Canada. He has spoken to her about it and they want to make my fantasy story 'her suprise' come true. Rusty has plans for me to be tied and teased. I am sure that in the next few weeks I shall see both Oxo and Fireman Sam my fuck buddies. Thomas is organising time to see me, we have agreed that the fantasy of the knight and his lady is over. This is now an illicit affair between two real people. He is concerned that as he is as good as married I will give him the bums rush (that is not what I have planned for his bum). So I think while the cat is away this mouse will be playing hard and may even be too knackered to see him on his return.