2010 and beyond

Its been a while since I wrote anything here. Suddenly I find myself fired up to write, perhaps its the extended holiday and feeling relaxed but once this post is complete (I still don't know what this post will be about) I will have written a post on each and every one of my blogs except the diet one which I have forgotten how to access.

I guess part of the reason I have not been writing very much in recent months has been a lack of new interesting things to write. I still have financial difficulties but for the most part my life is anxt free. I am more relaxed, have enjoyed more family time, less adventures and tales of wantoness (is that a word?).

Maybe that sounds as though my life is all family and nothing else but that isn't the case. There is no special man in my life but there are 4 men who feature in my life more than others. These four musketeers are all dear friends who I enjoy spending time with. Forest has been in my life for more than three years, first as a friend then lover before being relegated back to friend status. However he asked to be upgraded back to lover back in the spring of 2009. (its odd to think it is now 2010). I refer to him as my occassional indulgence because that is exactly what he has become. We indulge in mutual satisfaction from time to time probably on average about once every 2 months although it can be twice in one month or once in 3 months.

He is a wonderful lover but we also enjoy non sexual conversations too. I suprise myself at some of the topics we discuss. Of the four he is the one I have known longest. Next is Mr Green, we are friends, we mostly communicate via text or email. Every few months we have a flurry of text/emails along the vein of ......how are you whats been going on in your life. This leads to mutual agreement that we must meet up soon for a drink. Sometimes this happens but often life gets in the way. He has been like a mentor for me, giving me advice on work, men and life. He listens to my thoughts feelings and opinions without making me feel either stupid or inferior. There was a bit of a glitch a few months ago when his crush on me took over his good sense but once I made it clear that ours is purely a platonic friendship we settled back into just that.

During the first half of 2008 I became friends with LV, we spend occassional afternoons having lunch together and recently visited the German Market in Southampton. The nice thing about being friends with LV is that we can keep each other company and prevent each of us becoming reclusive in our own little worlds. We care about each other's welfare. He has had a tough time in the last 6 months. I try to brighten his world a little but not sure how much good I can do for him. He is a very generous friend who likes to help those he cares about, but feels let down by those who should care about him. I wish I could do more to cheer him up.

Most recently I met Plumber in the early part of 2009. This was a very passionate affair in the early months but by the summer had dwindled to infrequent conversations and evenings together. Partly due to my quest to meet someone on a less casual basis than he wants but also our inability to mate successfully. During the time he has been in my life he has been very good to/for me. Not least of all obtaining and fitting my dishwasher, but lovely meals out showing me the range of venues our county has to offer. Moonlit evenings watching the boats passing along our local coast or up on a hill listening for sheep and owls under starry skies encircled in his arms.

Like I said there is no special man in my life right now. I don't mind that as I am happy in myself right now. I feel that there will be new love in my life when the time is right. I am not trying to force that to happen but shall be ready when it does. In the mean time I shall be embarking on new ventures (although I am not currently 100% sure what those will be). I intend that 2010 will be a year of action rather than non action.

are you lonely

Tonight just after logging onto my laptop a chat window opened and the following conversation followed. When this man chatted to me a couple of weeks ago I made it quite clear that I didn't want to talk sex as I didn't feel we knew each other well enough. Once he realised he was not going to get anywhere if he continued trying to get me to 'stimulate' him he made his excuses and signed off. I had heard nothing more from him until tonight. Somehow I just don't think he is getting the message.

giu
hello
u ok
yes fine just puzzled
why huni
giu ?
mike says:
meant to have been hi fat fingers
charming
no the hi
oh
i got fat fingers
oh ok thought you were calling me fat fingers
no silly
you had any dates yet
no not been looking really
would you like to hold and kiss
possibly
im free and in need of cuddle
oh is that because its friday?
y u say that
because it was a friday the last time you chatted
and its the start of the weekend and weekends are very lonely if you are alone
oh
are you lonely
not at the moment
I have been enjoying family time with my boys
would u like me to play with u
football? cards? bingo?
um i meant adult naughty games
did you
make ur clit nice and wet
hmmmm
do u like oral
have you been busy this week?
yes do you have a cam
no I dont
you want some sex

I dont think that is an appropriate question...........you don't know me and I don't know you

he didn't answer and after a while signed off..........................whilst I do try to give people the benefit of doubt, he has now had his second chance and has now been blocked and deleted.

Have I been too hasty?

how I told him ................'No'

I have given this much thought even before Tuesday evening when you mentioned a proposition. I know that if I were to decide to 'take the plunge' you would treat me exceptionally well and as you say we would have fun. But as you have rightly guessed this would be a path that I am not going to take. I have in the past been involved to a degree with married men as you know ie SL. But that was quite a while ago.

I learnt a few things from that, about myself as much as anything else. I learnt that the times that I feel the most lonely are weekends and holidays, the times when married men are busy with family. I also realised that being 'the other woman' is not what I want. Because I would much rather be 'The Woman' in my man's life. When I first agreed to meet a married man (I had originally said 'single men only') I managed to persuade myself that it was ok because the married man/men was/were already looking for fun anyway so why should I miss out because they are married. But my concience got the better of me. This/these man/men belonged to someone else. If I was with someone who started playing around with someone else I would be devastated (I do believe in fidelity) so I couldn't do it to someone else.

A few months ago I decided to try having an affair with a married man (a surgeon) but I only met him a few times before I had to call it off because it wasn't what I wanted. He was really sweet about it and said he wasn't suprised. I am really flattered that you want me so much even after so long. (I still don't get why me, even if I do know I am fabulous). What is it that you see in me that others don't?

Your plan as I said had at least 3 flaws that I spotted right away.

1. Yes I was busy (two boys moving out within a week)
2. Even my super powers don't help me to remember your address or how to get there (as I didn't drive there myself) after all this time.
3. Even if I was willing to make love to a married man I wouldn't do so in his marital home (his wife's home)...........last time I was mistakenly under the impression that you were seperated. (I get that it is convenient and more comfortable than an office or a car but to me it would be violating that woman's home).

I hope you can understand where I stand and why I can't take this path however tempting it would be. If I did agree to give it a try I would be letting myself down. This hasn't been a quick and easy decision, I have given it a lot of thought, weighing up the benefits against my ethics and find that I just can't break my own rules. However good it would be, it would be soured by my own inner conflict. I wouldn't be able to be completely relaxed. Furthermore it would get in the way of my ability to find 'Mr Right'. How could I look someone in the eye telling them that I believe in fidelity if I am or have been having an affair with a married man.

As you rightly say I do want our friendship to continue and I would hate to hurt your feelings, but I couldn't live with myself if I follow the path you want to take. I have a lot of respect for you, I treasure your friendship and enjoy our evenings together but I can't take it any further.

Whats got into him?

Last night to my suprise Forest began chatting online. It was a suprise because although he is single I very rarely hear from him at weekends although I did in the past get text messages on sunday evenings. He always had his children staying over at weekends.

Last night we chatted about the length of time since we last saw each other. Neither of us sure exactly when the last time was. I checked my last post about him on here (mid July) but then realised that we had seen each other a few weeks later. Anyway we both agreed that it had been too long. I told him that I had met two new men since I last saw him. I told him that I had almost settled for 'nice' (which turned out to be not so nice). But then I met Spark who reminded me what it feels like to get butterflies.

That was when he told me that he had met a woman earlier in the day who gave him butterflies. (he had not seen a picture of her so it was a suprise to him on this blind date). He does hope to see her again. If he gets involved with her I shall be happy for him but sad for me.

Just as I was going to bed he sent me a text kiss nothing unusual in the kiss but not usual an hour after saying goodnight. Today he sent me another mid afternoon just as I was shopping. Then to my astonishment here he was chatting online again tonight. I expressed my astonishment that he was chatting two days in a row. Apparently he had been thinking about me and thought it was funny that I was shopping while he was thinking about me. Again I expressed my suprise that he had been thinking about me. (why would he be thinking about me just a day after meeting this new wonderful woman who gave him butterflies).

Something must have got into him because he even called me darling (I don't think he has ever done that before). He seems keen to see me again soon but I have told him it won't be this week, he will have to wait until October.

Reasons and propositions

What I didn't realise when I wrote my last post here was that I had already been dumped by Dylan only he was apparently taking the cowards way out and not telling me. A few days later when I had not heard from him since I had returned from my holiday (even though he had agreed to go to a party with me on the Saturday but didn't turn up) I wrote to him. I told him that I believe everyone enters our life for a reason. I told him I now knew he had come into my life to set me free (I didn't tell him what from). I also commented that his unexpected silence had hurt me and I hadn't expected him to do that. That was when he emailed me back thanking me for getting in contact. He was being a coward because he always finds it complicated when he tries to finish with a woman. After the detailed and thorough character assassination that followed I can undertand why he has a problem.

Considering that he is a trained councellor he seems to have more than a few issues of his own that he needs to get sorted but I won't be the one to tell him. I felt such a fool for thinking he was someone I could get on with. He might be good at getting people to open up to him (apparently it happens all the time) but he isn't good at listening, he also has a big issue with people who are not in full health (strange for someone who works with terminally ill patients). Anyway he is out of my life now and I am not sorry but I am glad that meeting him helped me to break free from Romeo at long last.

In less than a week I met Spark. This time it wasn't through the internet but through work. When I agreed to have lunch with a customer whose account I was trying to grow, I had no idea that meeting him would cause us both to find we couldn't stop thinking about each other. When he called me next day asking me to meet him for a drink (he actually left the England v Australia cricket match he was watching to see me). We were both experiencing butterflies every time we thought about each other. But there was one big obstacle to this becoming anything else. He already had a girlfriend. After that one evening that included a lot of kissing and cuddling (we both stayed fully dressed), there would only be the briefest of meetings a few days later when he told me that he was sorry to mess me about but he felt so guilty. This was good really because his situation was causing me problems anyway. But what I got from this brief distraction was that he reminded me how it feels when you meet someone who gives you butterflies. I had almost settled for 'nice' when I met Dylan. Spark reminded me that I mustn't settle for anything less than butterflies.

Since then I have been out for a drink with a friend I hadn't seen for ages, we also had dinner together last week. On the way home he mentioned that he would email me a proposition. He did email me, but found he couldn't bring himself to set out his proposition but came up with a plan. I won't go into what his plan was but I have since pointed out a few flaws in his plan. These flaws aside I have had to turn his plan down. You see he is married and I have explained that I can't become involved with a married man although I do treasure him as a friend and confidante.

Since starting this blog I have learnt a few things about myself. I am still struggling with my sexuality versus my upbringing. But I now know more about what I do and don't want. I do not want to be 'The Other woman' to any man, only 'The woman' in my man's life will do for me.

Even if I persuade myself that the married man was already looking for fun when he met me, I won't get involved because, if it was my man behaving in this way I would be devastated so I won't do the same to another woman. If the married man was able to persuade me to get involved with him, I would not be able to fully relax because my concience would get in the way. I know that I have not been whiter than white about all this over the recent years but now I know my own feelings better I won't be going down that path now or in the future.

I feel so much more content now that my path ahead has become clearer in my own mind.

Finally I am free

I don't know how it happened.
Back in July I made a decision to close the door on Romeo and move on with my life. I needed to delete all trace of him, emails photos text messages the lot.

It wasn't easy, neither did it stop me thinking about him. I still wanted him, I still hoped that one day he would come back and claim me as his. It meant that even though I was seeing other men I still wasn't free. My heart still belonged to him.

I don't remember when it began, those first emails, I thought he was a bit eccentric, he thought I was rather bolshy. He was going to have a word with me tell me off for my bolshyness. He didn't. More emails but with a different tone to them. I began to fret if he didn't email me. Then there was the day that our internet wasn't working, I emailed him from work giving him my mobile number. It was days before he finally rang me but when he did we chatted for an eternity, arranging to meet for a drink a few days later. By now I had come to think of him as a friend but that was all, I didn't fancy him.

We sat and chatted until we were turned out of the pub 3.5 hrs later. Days later we met up for a walk along the beach, again we chatted for hours, holding hands, kissing goodnight at the end of a long day. I'm not sure if it was before or after our 3rd date that I realised that something had happened. I definitely knew before the end of that date that I liked him, this could be the start of something good. Somewhere along the way I noticed that Romeo had gone, he had slipped out of my mind without me noticing.

While I was on holiday I hardly thought about Romeo and when I did it was nolonger with a sense of loss. I really enjoyed my holiday but was looking forward to getting home because more than anything I wanted to see Dylan. I don't know how things will work out for us, it might only last a very short time, it might last longer, at this stage its anyone's guess. But whatever happens I will be grateful that he has helped me to let go of Romeo.

New Forest tales

Do you want to come over tonight? xx

do you have a teleporter? x

no why? xx

because I can't afford the petrol to get there xx

if you can get here I will give you petrol money.............
is that classed as paying for sex? xx

nooooooooooo ........................if I was charging you it would be a lot more than the cost of petrol x

I know I wouldn't be able to afford you xx

what time? x

9pm xx

perfect............my battery is dying x

that was the last conversation on my motorola before it died.
So punctual as ever I arrived at his place at 9.20pm, he was waiting at the open door with the kettle behind him hissing as he bent down to greet me with a slow kiss before turning to pour two mugs of tea. Tea that went cold while we kissed for an eternity on his two seater settee. Torchwood on the tv in the corner hardly noticed. Finally breaking free during what must have been the 10 O'clock news we left the tea untouched and made our way up the stairs to his bed with its fur cover. This time I waited for him to remove my clothes (just a dress bra and knickers), once he had removed his own t shirt and jeans. Leading me to his bed he laid me down as he knelt on the edge of the bed between my thighs nudging my clit with the slippery head of his penis. But before I could get used to the feel of him there he slid down onto the floor his face lapping up my wetness whilst his left hand played with my nipple.

It didn't take him long to have me writhing on his bed in pure delight as his tongue together with the fingers of his right hand took me to the height of my first leg trembling orgasm. Involuntary spasms shook my whole body as his tongue worked its magic on me. Until I could take no more , he lay beside me on the bed then, letting my fingures trace patterns on his skin.

His cock twitching against his slight belly (there is more of that than there was 2 years go) he asks me

what do you want to do with that?

what do you want me to do?

whatever you like

(probably the first words spoken by either of us in an hour) I don't need any other encouragement before I am crawling down the bed to kneel between his knees nibbling, licking and sucking on his delicious cock, it feels so great yet at the same time awkward when his cock hits the back of my mouth making me gag slightly. It has been a very long time since I felt those sensations. I am enjoying myself immensely with this man who was my lover before and is again now.

Adjusting my position I move myself back towards the head of the bed climbing on top of his prone body impaling myself on his erection. slowly moving against his thrusts my breasts hanging between us he catches them in his gentle hands pinching and caressing my nipples. Leaning forward I kiss his hungry mouth, I break away to whisper in his ear

we have not been very chatty tonight have we?

he laughs

no we haven't

back to the kissing and grinding I am now laying along his length lking down on his serious face while he thrusts deep into me.

You almost smiled

His face breaking into a big grin he reaches up to bring my face down to his for more kissing. We keep kissing and thrusting until his knee starts to play him up (an old footballing injury). As I roll onto the bed beside him one word escapes his lips

wow

This makes me smile to myself so it had been as good for him as it was for me.

It felt good to have a cock inside me

deep inside you too

mmmmmmmm

We lay companionably together cuddling and kissing as we enjoyed our post coital conversation. I think we have good sex partly because we have known each other for 2 1/2 years, we know each other fairly well, neither of us are expecting a relationship out of this so we are relaxed with no pressure. We like each other as people in addition to having a sexual attraction. I believe we have become the perfect 'friends with benefits'

Shivers down my spine

It wasn't fair

I was trying to get on with my work but my mind kept going back to those kisses. Every time I thought about his kisses a shiver went through me. Every time I thought about the feel of his hand as it held mine I felt weak. Remembering his touch as his hand slid inside my jacket first to my waist then moving up to hold my breast.

Throughout the time we had been sitting chatting in his car he had made no move to try and touch or even kiss me. It was only when I was ready to go home to my lonely bed that he made his unexpected move.

If anyone had told me earlier in the evening that I would be meeting him there after midnight I would have laughed. It had been about 3 months since we had met that first time, we had tried to meet again a month ago but it didn't happen so why now.

When he had mentioned that he would be passing that way at midnight on his return from running an errand, he said he would look out for my car. We hadn't made a definite arrangement to meet it was more a case of if we are both there at the same time sort of thing. Of course I had no reason to be up there on my favourite hill top at that time of night.

After he had signed out of messenger he text me asking what car I drive, so I knew he thought I would be there. That almost stopped me from going. How dare he be so confident that I would venture out at that time to meet him on the off chance. I ummed and aahhed for a while, should I go or should I stay? Another friend came online and told me to go for it. Trying not to drive too fast I sped along the crest of the hill until I reached the car park I had mentioned (knowing that out of all the carparks along that stretch of road it would be the quietest).

When I arrived there was no sign of him but he had text me that he was disappointed, well he had said midnight and it was now 10 past. I replied something about him not being there. Within 2 minutes he drove up and parked alongside my car. The next hour was very odd yet easy at the same time. Indulging in my hobby of checking out the city lights below to see which landmarks we could identify. Before succuming to the chill breeze and getting into his Jag to keep warm, where we managed to chat amiably for 45 minutes prior to that first kiss.

We talked about meeting again for a drink soon, I hope we do.