Sunday, 30 September 2007
Yes charlie in a way you are right I did wrap up my heart and send it to him. I am a very giving person and I wanted to give him my heart so i did. this is not something I do lightly nor do I give my heart away so readily to every man I meet. maybe I shouldn't say that he stole my heart more that he captured it. He laid out the bait and I took it hook line and sinker only he didnt want to keep me he just wanted the fun of reeling me in then tossing me back in until the next time he wanted some sport.
So for the first time in almost 2 weeks I saw his name pop up on my screen and it had very little effect on me. no sharp intake of breath, no missed heart beat, no raise in temperature, no rush to say hi, just carried on chatting to my friends didn't even see when he signed out.
this morning Forest was online when I logged on. he began chatting to me. It was fine we chatted like we used to when we were friends.
Breathing deeply, calming himself down as much as he could Finlay Keen searched the middle distance. If he has timed it right the train will appear to the right and make its way rattling along the tracks before finally disappearing on his far left. As he waited he surveyed the scene below him. Thousands upon thousands of rooftops nestled amongst the trees just like one of those plastic scenes with his father’s toy train set which had been set up in the attic at gran and grandad’s when he was a boy thirty years ago. The city looked uninviting on this dismal grey September day. The only colour, being the green of the trees with a slight tinge of red or gold here and there as the leaves begin to turn a little earlier than usual this year. The blue on the side of the college building that marked where the rail track runs along this side of the motorway.
Finlay shuffles his feet and wraps his arms around his body to keep warm, his beige cotton slacks and crisp pale blue shirt no match for the biting wind. He didn’t have his coat with him as he hadn’t wanted to arouse her suspicions as they set off for the station in his maroon Suzuki Vitara. Both of them silent, on this journey into town from his quiet village. From now it would be just him and his doting Jack Russell, Cody. Finlay longs to be on that train with her, his Lizzie, but she would’t be his Lizzie any more. She will revert to being Mrs Elizabeth Robinson, senior accountant at the firm they both work for. There were to be no more monthly visits to the Southampton branch. Was it really over two years since Finlay had been introduced to his colleague who would be travelling down from the London office for the first week of each month. Finlay had been charged with the duty of showing the prissy Mrs Robinson the city. At first he had hated this, didn’t think he would get on with her and her accountant’s head. That first night he had taken her for dinner and she had fussed over the bill. But he had to admit she had been right they were taking advantage. Gradually over that first week Finlay had noticed Mrs R begin to thaw. Then as they stood on Southampton station for her return to her home in Bedfordshire, she had squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek.
By the time Mrs R returned to Southampton a month later Finlay had found that she had been in his thoughts a lot. He had begun to spend time with her because he wanted to. He learned that she was married to David who she adored and they had two boys Marcus 9 and William 6 years old. They lived in a place called Houghton Regis not far from Dunstable from where she commuted daily to the London office and now for a week each month here at his office. Soon Finlay had dropped the Mrs R and was calling her Lizzie. At first Lizzie had giggled when he used that name when they were alone. David always called her Liz.
One night they had been out for dinner in a country pub not far from Swanmore, he had kissed her as they walked back to his car. Her response was so gentle Finlay had melted right there. Once they were belted up he had asked her if she would like a night cap at his cottage before he took her back to the hotel. Speechless for a moment Lizzie had nodded. He hadn’t taken her back to the hotel that night, he had taken her to his queen sized bed instead. The following night he had stayed with Lizzie at the hotel. From the next month Lizzie had not gone back to the hotel but stayed at Finlay’s place for those glorious five nights each time she was down from the big smoke.
Finlay stamped his feet as he surveyed the bleak scene he was so far up here that he couldn’t hear the sound of the train as it rattled along or the vehicles as they rushed along the motorway as it snaked cross past Port Solent with its expensive flats and boats moored up along the jetty. Past Hilsea and Cosham then along the edge of Farlington and out past the still waters of Langstone harbour until it was out of sight. The water is a cold steel grey today reflecting the overcast sky, heavy and oppressive to match his heart.
He had lain awake for ages this morning watching the soft curve of Lizzie’s breast as she breathed, still in her haven of sleep. Softly he had blow on a shiny brown curl framing her sweet face. How he had loved waking next to this lovely woman for five glorious mornings each month. He was going to miss her more than he could allow himself to admit, well he had admitted it to himself but never to his Lizzie. Cody would miss her too. But Finlay was only too well aware that as much as Lizzie loved him she loved David and their boys more. Once David had met Lizzie from Dunstable in 3 ½ hours she would become Mrs Liz Robinson, never again to be his sweet Lizzie.
All these months of sitting across from her at management meetings, quietly admiring her professionalism, whilst at the same time visualising her as she had dressed that morning in her silk and lace undies now covered by her smart business suit. All those months of sweaty bodies gliding together as they made love in his huge comfortable bed or on the living room rug, once even on the dinning table amongst the debris of their meal. The showers they had taken soaping each other sliding together under the hot cascade of water. The evening walks holding hands as Cody raced ahead across the fields after some imagined friend. The meals shared making a welcome change to the lonely meals eaten when she wasn’t here.
Finlay’s heart misses a beat as the train comes into view. He had done his homework found out when the train would reach Portchester so that he could drop Lizzie off at Fareham station early enough to give him time to get up here to this view point. Binoculars at the ready Finlay searches the carriages for that last glimpse of his love as she travels away from him for the last time. For two years he had stood on the platform with her until that very last minute when he had to let her go as the train was about to leave. Not wanting to lose a precious second of her nearness, the waft of her perfume, the scent of her freshly shampooed hair. He would miss the smell of raspberries in his bathroom. Vanilla body spray in the bedroom. He had taken to lighting vanilla candles when she was not there. Maybe he would have to stop this practice but not yet, he would continue with the candles for a while longer. Perhaps this would not be a healthy practice but then neither was falling in love with a married woman.
Finlay isn’t quite sure but he thinks he can see her arm resting on the small table by the window at the end of the last carriage. He had watched her with sadness in his eyes, reflecting back at him from her own sad eyes, as she had pulled on her frothy lace high legs and matching bra. Rolling first one then the other of her sleek tan hold ups over her feet, knees enveloping her pale thighs, before stepping into her smart chocolate brown skirt, that fell in soft folds down to her mid calf. Slowly buttoning her cream silk blouse that felt so sensuous to the touch of his fingers, before donning the soft brown jacket that made her outfit complete. He had watched her applying her make up whilst her skin was still enveloped in the softness of her pale pink fleece robe. Dark brown mascara making her almond shaped eyes appear even more sexy than when they are naked of all that goo. The bronze of her eye shadow matching the hint of blusher on her cheeks. The whole effect would later be completed with a touch of chocolate brown lipstick. Lizzie was always so careful to ensure her makeup matched her clothes. All that was left was for her to step into her brown suede shoes with those 3 “heels that made her looks so much taller than her 5’2” of pure woman.
For the first time ever Finlay had lied to her, he felt sorry for that, in a way he felt guilt for deceiving her, but this time he couldn’t bear to stand on the platform with her as she waited to be carried back to London then onwards to Dunstable and home with Him. Before he had always known that in a few weeks she would be back here. She would be his Lizzie again. But this time was different. This time he told her he had an important appointment that he couldn’t miss. He was sorry but it meant he could be there with her, he had time to drop her at the station door, he kissed her goodbye, retrieved her cases from the boot of his car then drove off with a quick wave of the hand before she could see the tears in his eyes. It had seemed to him as he drove across town that everything was against him. The flow of traffic at each roundabout slowed him down, the traffic lights seemed to take for ever to change then he was stuck at road works as he crossed the hill to his chosen view point. But he had made it with a couple of minutes to spare. But the train must have been late as he felt he had been stood here waiting for hours not 3 minutes. The chill air was making him shiver now.
Finlay watched as the train swished out f view taking Lizzie out of his life forever. With a heavy heart he turned and made his way back to his car, sitting there for an age before he felt strong enough to reverse her out of the parking bay and make his way along the country lanes back to his empty cottage where Cody would be waiting for him.
Finlay tried not to think about Lizzie starting her new life in New Zealand with her family in few weeks time. David had an opportunity to work there for 3 years and was moving his family there, taking Lizzie away from her work and more importantly from Finlay.
I would welcome any comments on this please be gentle but honest ;-)
Saturday, 29 September 2007
so I thought I would share it with you.
|Your Stripper Song Is|
Master and Servant by Depeche Mode
"There�s a new game
We like to play you see
A game with added reality
You treat me like a dog
Get me down on my knees"
Yawn, dancing is so boring without a little spice.
finally now I am on the mend.
A couple of hours ago after much contemplation I sent a text to Oxo asking if he is busy tonight (as I am in need of TLC). Unfortunately he is busy. serve me right for all the times I have turned him down.
It took a lot for me to send that text. I am so unsure of where I want things to go with him. I care about him and when we are together it is good and the peace is very good for me. Our bodies are used to way we fit together now, spending time together is very comforting and cosy, we respond well to each others every touch.
But I don't feel he is the one for me. Maybe I should be satisfied with what we have, but I don't want to be a friend w/benefits.months ago he said that he just wants me to be his fuck buddy but that over time that may change so that we become a couple. So even way back then he was thinking like that, I was happy for him to be my occasional fuck buddy as I didn't want more from him. I could continue with the way we are, he would still be happy with that and for a while I probably could be too. But if I want to find a real relationship surely I can't do that if I still have a fwb. So for the last two weeks I have avoided having to decide whether I want to go spend the night with him. On the one hand he would give me what I want right now but on the other hand it could get in the way of what I want for the future.
Friday, 28 September 2007
Thursday, 27 September 2007
there are some very courageous bloggers who have survived breast cancer including Prada Pixie, Har and Evening.
Boobiethon is an annual event to raise breast cancer awareness during the first week of october.
I wish you were here to wrap me in your arms, your warm breath on the nape of my neck as our legs entwine our body heat keeping each other warm. The hardness of your manhood as it presses against my soft cheeks, your hand on my belly pulling me back against you. As silently we drift into companionable sleep after a long day working and enjoying being together for the latter part of our day.
But you are not here. I can not even hold your image in my mind. I don’t know how your image will appear to me. I don’t know how your arms will feel as they wrap around my willing body. How can I taste your kisses either soft and gentle or full of passion. The sound of your name does not curl upon my tongue as I whisper to you across the ether in the night.
I don’t know who you are.
For we have not yet met.
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
I didn't post anything more than comments
I read blogs
I commented on blogs
all the time chatting with my friends
there were discussions of windows
assumptions of overnight visits
talks of elvis
affirmations of sexyness
heart to hearts
congratulations on new jobs
clinical descriptions of sex
loving chats of love
tonight I shall begin learning how to write
Monday, 24 September 2007
I had the room to myself today for a while, which was nice, one or two people wandered through but only one stayed. I was quite happy today just me and my mp3 player. I even sang to myself a little bit whilst I was alone.
then during the last 5 minutes some very nice eye candy mmmmm
a young man (much too young for me) looking a bit like Jason from corrie (thats coronation street to those of you not from here).
standing in front of me but slightly to the side pulling weights oh yesss very nice.....took my mind off my flagging energy.
Sunday, 23 September 2007
Now hes back and the flirting has continued but to a slightly more intense level although I am still being light hearted.
A couple of nights ago I asked him to describe himself to me. He told me his height then went quiet. last night I asked him again to describe himself then I get a picture on my mobile. I didn't save it as it was of his erection.
Now I have a problem with this. why is it that so many men think women want to see pictures of their cocks.
I get sick of being sent these pictures. I dont send every man I talk to a picture of my genitalia so why should men send them to me.
I have been on forums saying that I don't like them.
when I was on AFF there were lots of men who think it reasonable to have a picture of their erection as the main profile picture.
when I first heard from SS he sent me a picture of his cock with a message asking me to please give him a chance. I told him if he wanted a chance he should change his picture. If we were ever to meet I wouldn't recognise him from this picture unless he was stood in the bar with his trousers around his ankles. he very quickly sent a facial picture.
my response to the picture Sammy sent me was to put up a picture asking him why he sent a picture of this.
he very soon sent me a facial picture.......so why can men not do this in the first place. Ok so I do like cocks but not as an introduction and I would far rather have one in my hand than on my phone.
I could tell you about the propostion I got this morning, but I am still processing it in my mind.
I could tell more about Sammy or Neptune, but nah you don't really want to know about them do you?
I could tell you about being complimented by a stranger on a nice piece of driving.
I could tell you about bumping into a man I recognise who gave me a quick greeting, but I have no idea who he is or how I know him I just know that I do.
I could tell you about some of the ideas I have for some short stories.....but that would spoil it for when I do get them written.
I could tell you about the blackmail I carried out last night
which has just reminded me of a post I want to do
I could tell you that yesterday I asked for a love reading from a psychic and got a suprising answer that I hadn't expected.
Saturday, 22 September 2007
sometimes I am shocked but usually I get a mischevious glint in my eye and present one of these pictures which results in frustration on the part of the man asking.
here she is keeping watch
Friday, 21 September 2007
Thursday, 20 September 2007
theres a man who has a small penis talking to men and women about how important size is. He's had a plaster cast made of his.
Lol this guy has had trouble persuading men to take pictures of their cocks, that is a problem I never have !! I get sent those pictures even though I don't want them.
he has put them on exhibition. then invited other men to compare and discuss the ones on display with their own.
theres another man who has had bits of his arse stuffed inside his cock to make it bigger. another man has had 3 operations to make his cock bigger but is still not happy.
On another subject
I went to the gym for my induction session today
note to self
wearing holdups all day leaves marks from the elastic.........the lower line is around the same level as the hem of gym shorts
cripes my arms ache now from all those weight machines
my legs trembling from the unaccustomed excersise.
but by the time I emerged from the shower I was feeling good
perhaps I shall go back tomorrow
I love this skirt it flows down to mid calf and has lots and lots of fabric. I wore it to the quiz last weekend. But I don't often wear it as it takes about half an hour to iron there is just too much of it. But I have just decided to wear it for work today. with Tan stockings brown high heels and a brown top. I shall feel sexy today.....not for the men there but for ME!
these shoes were my favourites last year and I still favour them for going out they have a pretty design in tiny beads sewn onto them.
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
first off was Fat Controller
Good Meme! I'm going to pinch it!
1. I READ Lady in Red. just like a book
2. Lady in Red is UNIQUE the world couldn't cope with two of us
3. If I were alone in a room with Lady in Red, I would SLIDE ONE HAND AROUND THE BACK OF HER NECK, DRAW HER CLOSER (AND SEE WHERE THINGS GO FROM THERE) hmm well my neck connects my head to my torso so not too many options there ;-)
4. I think Lady in Red should GET A MEDAL is it made of chocolate?
5. Lady in Red needs FOREST not any more!
6. I want to MEET Lady in Red. mutual
7. Someday Lady in Red will FIND REAL HAPPINESS that would be good
8. Lady in Red reminds me of THE GOOD TIMES I LEFT BEHIND IN ENGLAND glad its not bad times
9. Without Lady in Red BLOGLAND WOULD BE A DULLER PLACE no more bright red cheeks, hair, lips, nails, clothes, sheets etc
10. My memories of Lady in Red are OF RENDEZVOUS IN TWILIGHT CAR PARKS and some midnight !
11. Lady in Red can be DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW would you like to borrow the map?
12. The worst thing about Lady in Red is THERE ISN'T TIME TO READ IT ALL at least its all in one place now
13. The best thing about Lady in Red is SHE COMMENTS ON MY BLOG! how could I not
14. I am FASCINATED with Lady in Red. awwww shucks
15. One thing I would like to know about Lady in Red is WHETHER SHE KNOWS THE SAME PLACES I KNOW its a big possibility that some of them are known to both of us
16. Lady in Red should go and SPOIL HERSELF ONCE IN A WHILE only that often shucks I was thinking more like every day
17. Lady in Red READS me. and a joy it is too.
Then it was the turn of DJ Kirkby
1. I _like___Lady in Red. I like you too
2. Lady in Red is _a survivor___ I always have been and will continue to be
3. If I were alone in a room with Lady in Red, I would _make her a cup of tea___ white no sugar please
4. I think Lady in Red should __move on from Forest__ forest who ?
5. Lady in Red needs _someone new in her life___ I'm not going to rush out looking
6. I want to _cheer for___ Lady in Red. thank you
7. Someday Lady in Red will _be a proud grandmother___ so long as it isn't too soon
8. Lady in Red reminds me of some one I know____ someone smart I hope
9. Without Lady in Red _blogland would be a duller place___ I do like a little colour ok more than a little
10. My memories of Lady in Red are __her comments on my blog and the fact that we live near each other__ I like your blog its interesting and comfortable even if a little suprising at times.
11. Lady in Red can be __mischevious__ aww theres no fun in being good all the time
12. The worst thing about Lady in Red is _her insecurity about her self worth___ that comes from many years of being told I was worthless but I am learning
13. The best thing about Lady in Red is _that she is a survivor___ I used to have 'I will survive' as my alarm on my phone
14. I am __emailing__with Lady in Red. thank you and I have looked into your suggestions
15. One thing I would like to know about Lady in Red is _why she lets her ex get away with blatent disregard of her monetary requirments___ because you cant get blood out of a stone and I am grateful to get anything from him after nothing for so long
16. Lady in Red should go and _tell him he is pointless___ I would but I don't like to put people down even if they do it to me....why should I lower myself to their level
17. Lady in Red _amuses___me. I do like to bring a smile here and there
Then there was Innocent (many of you won't recognise this name)
1. I sometimes read Lady in Red. I had noticed you are back
2. Lady in Red is shorter than you expect. 5'0"..... how tall should I be?
3. If I were alone in a room with Lady in Red, I would ..well... ????
4. I think Lady in Red should post more photos. you want more photos? what of? I have put more up now
5. Lady in Red needs LOVE doesn't everyone?
6. I want to **** Lady in Red. and this means what ?
7. Someday Lady in Red will be content some days I am already
8. Lady in Red reminds me of dark places. why dark places? is that places in your mind or places without lights?
9. Without Lady in Red it wouldn't be worth getting up in the morning. is this for real ?
10. My memories of Lady in Red are funny. funny crazy or funny hehe?
11. Lady in Red can be quiet. I am always quiet when I am not talking nineteen to the dozen
12. The worst thing about Lady in Red is her timing. I like to be late and it was only 5 minutes!!
13. The best thing about Lady in Red is her outstanding features. being ?? don't be shy
14. I am confused with Lady in Red. you, me and the whole world are confused by me
15. One thing I would like to know about Lady in Red is how does she drink so much. bloody cheek!!
16. Lady in Red should go and lie down. yes I am tired
17. Lady in Red used to read me. its a bit difficult to read you now
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Never fear the Lady in Red never stays down for long.
I am back now and raring to go.
I am chatting online to one or two people who have been helping to get me into a better place.
I have joined the gym today and next week I start my creative writing course.
I intend to improve both my mind and my body over the next few months.
one of the guys asked how I can improve on perfection .......... lmao
my kids have noticed that I am smiling again even though they didn't know I was upset or why
I have a new story in my head to write
there will be no more
just lots of
He never promised me a relationship, I never asked if he wanted one. I wanted to ask but we never had the opportunity to talk properly face to face. all our encounters were taken up with what to me was passion for one another. before we met we didnt discuss what would happen after this first meeting. I thought I was meeting a friend for a drink (which we did). when he asked to see me again the next day I foolishly thought it was because he really liked me. It never occurred to me that he thought we were now going to meet regularly for sex. because we never had that conversation he thought I was happy to just meet up for sex, I thought we were seeing each other because we liked each other. there were times when I felt like I was just there for sex and I text him that I didn't want to be used just for sex, I didn't want to feel like a sex toy that he gets out once in a while. he said he wanted to see me for any reason.
why did he not understand, I may not have said what I wanted (I didnt really know anyway) but I did say what I didnt want so why is he saying he thought I did?
I have cried a lot. I don't do crying, its not my nature to cry. thats why I blog, so I can release my feelings that way. But this time I have cried. tears have streamed down my face as I sit at my computer, as I sit at traffic lights, hoping my sun glasses hide my red puffy eyes. I have climbed into my bed pulling the cover over my head and cried great heaving sobs.
It isn't that I feel rejected. I don't, I told him I wanted to be a one man woman and I wanted him to be that man. He said he cant. end of story. I can be grown up and accept that.
what hurts so much is that I now know how stupid I have been, I believed in him I believed he knew me so well, I believed he knew that I didn't want ours to be a purely sexual relationship. I believed he cared about me, I believed he respected me.
Now I believe nothing except that I am a fool. How could I have possibly believed that someone who knew about my sexual adventures could want me for anything but sex.
Monday, 17 September 2007
The Lady in Red was indeed in red
these others they had complained
you never wear red they said
Ok said the Lady in red
if they want red
then red they shall have
she stood before the woman with the list of names
and who are you asks the woman
I will give you a clue
have a look at me then your list
Oh says the woman as she takes in the
red sleeveless top
I know she says looking down
at the red flowing skirt
you must be
the Lady in Red
thank heavens for that now let me sit down
the words escape her red lips
can you work out which one I assigned to each man.
I didn't think that once a fuck buddy always a fuck buddy
how can it be that he thought that was all I was worth
How many times did I tell him otherwise
I ensured that I didn't send him hot text or emails
I chatted about mundane rather than sex
just because I had been a fuck buddy before we met
doesnt mean he should assume I wanted that again
I AM WORTH MORE
someone as yet unknown's gain
Sunday, 16 September 2007
today I lost
today I am tearful
tomorrow I will be sad
in a week I will be fine
today I was ok, kind of philosophical
until I got the text that tipped me over the edge.
it was only a couple of lines but it said so much
it told me what you had already said
his words told me that he is not worthy of me
had he been worthy he would never have sent that text
amongst the many he has sent tonight
had he been worthy of me he would not
have avoided the subject for so many months
whatever he says
however much he is sorry
I know now that he did not respect me
tonight I have cried
tonight I will not sleep until exhaustion takes hold
his final text .....sleep well xx
has he learnt nothing?
Saturday, 15 September 2007
For the past 2 weeks I have been exchanging emails via the dating site with a man who seems to be very nice. He is a little older than me but his photo is very nice. He is single and works in the media field.
we have discussed many things from books to spiders to ice palaces.
He lives a fair distance from me, but not so far that meeting is out of the question.
As I am sure you know by now I am going to a pub quiz tonight which has been organised through the dating site. A while ago I found an email from this man saying he is tempted to go to the quiz. I have given him the address of the pub and offered him my mobile number in case he gets lost.
He has just replied that he wont come to the quiz tonight as he is committed to playing golf in the morning and will need an early night but thinks it would be good to meet up sometime.
you probably wonder why I was worried about him going to the quiz. I think I would like him although I don't know what he would make of me. My problem is that I don't even know why I am in contact with him. I feel very half hearted about it all. I do know why, I am sort of looking for someone to be in my life insead of Forest, but I am only half hearted because I really want Forest to come through for me. I don't want to go all out looking for someone new, because I don't really want someone new. I feel as though I am on the site under false pretenses, but really I am not, as you can use the site to look for friends. Although I am not really looking for someone right now I sort of feel that am doing this as a safety net in case it doesn't work out with forest.
So fill in the blanks.....answer in the comments or email it to me. This should be fun!
1. I ____Lady in Red.
2. Lady in Red is ____
3. If I were alone in a room with Lady in Red, I would ____
4. I think Lady in Red should ____
5. Lady in Red needs ____
6. I want to ____ Lady in Red.
7. Someday Lady in Red will ____
8. Lady in Red reminds me of ____
9. Without Lady in Red ____
10. My memories of Lady in Red are ____
11. Lady in Red can be ____
12. The worst thing about Lady in Red is ____
13. The best thing about Lady in Red is ____
14. I am ____with Lady in Red.
15. One thing I would like to know about Lady in Red is ____
16. Lady in Red should go and ____
17. Lady in Red ____me.
Feel free to steal this for your blog as well!
You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
now this is slightly different from the rabbits I have talked about in the past. I guess there must be some truth in this. I am basically a shy person......yes thats right I said shy. I am shy but I also like to be noticed. I can often be found on the periferal, wanting to be included but staying on the edge rather than the centre of everything that goes on. But be warned if you get me in a one to one situation and I am comfortable I can rabbit on as much if not more than the next person.
I don't know if others think of me as young and childish, but that is how I feel inside. I have lost count of the times I have told The Man that being an aries (the baby of the zodiac) I will never grow up.
I am though, as anyone who has the slightest idea of the real me, very deep and complex. I can do straight forward but there are so many layers of this that you can so easily get lost.
not so sure about confronting people on everything......but there are times when I will be confrontational when I feel passionate about something.
this is a good quiz you should try it
Friday, 14 September 2007
I may have mentioned before that my grandad lives in a care home very near to where Forest lives. I had taken my mother to visit her dad when we stopped at a local garden centre for lunch. Mother saw some blue ducks that she liked. I thought I would get her one for her birthday. But didn't want to buy it while she was with me. I asked forest if he would buy these for me and I would meet him for lunch. He works in one of the cities not far from where I live. We met, we chatted, we kissed, we exchanged ducks for money. that evening I gave my mother her late birthday present. from that day until this those two ducks have sat beside her kitchen sink. but today they ventured out to the garden where they belong. One stopped beside the gargoyle fountain outside the patio,
but the other got as far as the bird bath at the far end of the garden.
photos to follow....having a little technical trouble right now grrrrr
communication between the two of us has improved in the last couple of weeks. I have now drafted an email to tell him what I want and deserve. But I would prefer to talk to him about this face to face. But if this doesnt happen soon then it will have to be by email unless I can persuade him that it is possible to talk on the phone.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
however I do this it will not be the same as either of these two excellent but very different posts as obviously my experiences are mine not anyone elses. I shall go feed my kids now while I work this one out.
I have done a post now but not happy with it yet it needs to be re worked.
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
there were not many of us there and some of them didn't join in. considering there had been more women than men signed up for the evening it was suprising to find that there were more men than women there. Anyway we were given a card to write down the name and number of each man we chatted to. we were then supposed to put a tick for one of the following against each man. Y N F obviously we all knew what Y and N were for but none of us could figure out the F until someone suggested it was fuck off.....it turned out to be friend.
the first man I chatted to was very nervous and neither of us knew what to say. We did manage to speak but it was very disjointed. It was obviously not going well which was emphasised when he said 'these four minutes are taking a long time!' I gave him a big N
man number two wasn't bad looking quite a bit younger than me as was number one, but this one had a bit more about him. he spends a lot of time at sea, as an officer on his ship. I gave him an F
man number three omg this man has done everything and been everywhere and knows everything!! I found this out through talking to him in a group both before and after the main event. I gave him an N
man number four was fine a little older than me he has worked in my town so we talked about the town and one of the pubs he used to go to. we talked about our reasons for being there and wanting friends to socialise with. I gave him an F
man number five was slightly older than me I think. we got on fine. again he has worked in my town we again talked about that and the road works around the motorway juntion near his home. we talked about honesty and the need for women to hide behind an alias but it not being so important for men. at the end we were still sat chatting wondering what happens next. I asked him if he was glad he had come to the event. 'I met you didn't I?' he said I also gave him an F
I chatted in agroup with my new friend and a few others until it was time to go home as the pub was closing. last night I got an email informing me that I had 2 matches, man number 2 and number 4.
the next event is the pub quiz on saturday. then there is anothe pub meet on the 27th followed by a motorbike ride and bbq the following sunday 30th september.
recieve it from them. finally at the end of august I get a letter apologising for my situation and as soon as I complete the enclosed forms I can have my money back although it will still take 10 working days. I complete the forms at go to my branch so they can fax the forms to the relevant office to make sure it gets there quicker. Now 2 1/2 weeks later still no money!! I happened to be in town ( buying shorts for going to the gym) I decided to go into my bank. THe girl phones the lady who was dealing with my complaint. she has never received the faxed forms !!!!
WTF its was faxed from their own branch. so she faxes another form to the branch which we complete. But as I had gone into the bank unplanned I didnt have the relevant information with me. Their system does not go back as far as June to show what the amounts were. I had to go home find the information and phone the branch. so that they could fax it again!!
I can claim back the two amounts of charges that I have incurred whilst this money has been missing (2x£30 one for the pleasure of having my rent bounce) but not until after the money they owe me has been credited to my account.
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
|Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence|
You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.
You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.
Monday, 10 September 2007
After my marriage ended I got involved with a man who messed me around (N). Last summer he really hurt me and I wanted to get him out of my mind once and for all. I joined Adult friend finder (AFF), I didn't think I could possibly go and meet anyone just for sex and anyway no one would be interested in me. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was inundated and what was more they came back for more. it really did my self confidence a world of good and I began to realise that even without the perfect body I was desirable. I soon found myself with several regular lovers/fuck buddies/friends with benefits. I knew that this would only be a temporary thing for me whilst I was not ready to enter a relationship again.
one night whilst chatting online to one of my lovers we decided that in order for me to experiment and try new and different things we would swing together as a couple. we set up a new profile looking primarily for other couples to play with. I had never been with another woman or more than one man so this was all a bit exciting and daunting at the same time for me. during our search for a suitable couple my partner found The man and ella. he put me in contact with the man and we began chatting online. He told me about his blog which I then read and got hooked. I decided I could do this so started this blog. I also met Thomas aka my knight in tarnished armour through the joint profile. we began chatting and out of that came the lady and her knight email fantasy. 9 months on we are still in lust but he is attached so not a real prospect for me. I also began to talk to a man who had recently gone seperate ways from his partner. Never the less we began chatting and over the months we became very good friends. This was of course Forest. Forest loved to read about all my adventures we used to talk about what I had done and who with how I felt about it all etc. then I started feeling that I had reached a stage where I didnt want to do the fuck buddy/ friends with benfits thing any more. I wanted more. I wanted someone who I could go out with do things with. we discussed all this (what I wanted etc). It was always about me. He never told me much about him saying he would tell me more when he wasnt chatting from work. But we only chatted while he was at work. Then finally we met for a lunch time drink, I went to meet a friend and came away knowing that this friendship could never be the same again. The next day we went for a walk for an hour before I had to dash off to collect my youngest from school. I knew by then that I was hooked, I wanted him. then I became ill, he was very solicitous, texting me daily to make sure I was ok both morning and evening. I liked that he cared enough. When I started to get better he came to see me and give me some TLC. I didnt hear from him for a few days after this as he was very busy at work but I didnt know this and my paranoia began.I had already decided that I didn't want to see anyone else, I wanted to just see one man and for me that man was and still is Forest. I told my other men that I wouldn't be seeing them anymore. Other than Mr Passionate I couldn't bring myself to drop him, we hadn't seen each other for a few months anyway. But things were not going as I would like with Forest. He was very busy and I began to work which meant that he couldn't pop round to see me during the day as he had a couple of times. I got frustrated not so much that we didn't see each other although I longed to see him more often but his inability to communicate if it wasn't by msn during the day. Oxo asked me to go to see him and out of frustration I went. Just as I was going Forest text me which made me even more frustrated so I told him I was going to see smeone else. He seemed to find it funny which made it worse. then at the start of august I had my only experience of
spanking, It was several months in the planning, when the time came I had the opportunity to ask a lover to join me in the hotel room afterwards. I asked Forest he accepted but didnt want to get in the way of any plans I might have to see anyone else. Grrrrr why couldn't he see its only him that I want. he came to see me but only stayed about 2 hrs then went home!!!!
the next day I began chatting to fireman sam by accident (I thought he was someone else with the same name). since then I have seen him twice. I now find that I only want Forest but he seems to think I should still see others. I get that he isn't ready to be in a relationship but he won't tell me what he does want. my dilema is do I carry on seeing others or just see him. A large part of me says just see him, but he might find that hard to cope with besides I do like these other men. I don't want to tell him about what I get up to with others because i don't want there to be a need for others. Maybe its the others in my life that make him want me. maybe he wouldn't want me if there were no others.
whilst writing this Forest came online and we chatted and I ended up telling him that I saw Fireman Sam at the weekend. He wanted to know about it, I told him very little the conversation then got abit kinky which I teased him about but I did manage to get across that I had been turning down sex.
because I wasn't bothered.........and im not going to have sex unless I really want to
fair enough........does that mean you are loosing your drive?
no it means I go through phases and there are some men I would prefer to be with
that makes sense very much so
he is about 3rd on the ladder if I don't include the 2 that I lust after but circumstances prevent us getting together
that was a great statement made me smile
the conversation got silly after that, he didn't ask who were first and second on the ladder. I hope he knows he is number one he should do. I hope this clears up some of the confusion. If not just ask me anything you want to know.
Sunday, 9 September 2007
months ago I would talk on msn to this man I consider to be my friend, I could tell him anything. He liked to know about the men I met. We talked about what I got up to, we talked about how I felt about them. he helped me work out how I felt and what I wanted to do. but that isn't happening any more. I still consider him my friend, we talk on msn. I still have tales to tell but don't. How can I tell this man about others that I meet. How can I tell him what I get upto. How can I tell him how I feel. How can he help me work it all out. Currently there are two men I am seeing as fuck buddies, one local one not so local. the first is very sexy and its all about sex and go. The second is more a friend with benefits. sex is just an ingredient in our time together. but how can I talk to him about these two men and the others that come and go from time to time. how can I talk to him about my married lover who I cant see due to circumstances but we still exchange very hot text and manage to see on the few occasions it becomes possible. how can I talk to him about the attached man who I lust for who plays such a big part in my last 9 months although we have
not met in person for 7 months. how can I talk to him about the man who is onstantly in my mind. how can I do this now. I talk to others about this but I cant talk to him anymore. We talk and its good but we talk of mundane. we dont talk of sex or emotion or feelings. I miss that connection we had.
Friday, 7 September 2007
Everyone is worrying about the red slide But when I have taken my kids there in the past I think the blue one is worse not that I have been on any of them.
got home at 3am from a great night out.
Playzone was heaving with big kids of all ages from around 18 to mid 50s I would guess. my friend Petra and I had loads of goes on the gentler slide that you go down on mats. we also explored the other parts of the play areas those rope bridges are bloody painful on the feet! but otherwise it was fun. another woman we had been chatting to persuaded us to go on the blue slide all three of us together. eventually we managed to find our way to the top. we all sat on the ledge but when it came to it I just couldn't go down. It wasn't so much that I was afraid of the slide but I just couldn't push myself over the edge. I think maybe if i had been drinking or it was later in the evening or someone gave me a bit of a push I could have done it. Anyway it was all good sweaty fun. the music was too loud though so we headed off to the pub a bit earlier than planned (10pm).
the pub was very busy there was a band playing. they did a variety of numbers including, "I predict a riot" and "American Idiot". the queue for drinks was so bad that we were getting two drinks at a time. There were as many people sat outside the pub as inside due to the new smoking rules. We were amazed at the range of people there from the young to the old, rocker to punks. It is essentially a bikers pub I discovered. as the hours passed some people drifted away until in the end there were just five of us left. 3 women and 2 men. Of course the chat turned to the obvious subject off sex. this was quite a lively conversation with all of us having very different views and experiences. The pub shut at 1am but we didn't leave until 2.30am. It was the first social event Petra had been to with the site although shes been on the site for a couple of years but she enjoyed it and will come with me to the speed dating evening.
Thursday, 6 September 2007
I have been nominated by Fat Controller for an award for being an inspitational blogger. he says
Lady In Red. Musings, occasional fiction and a busy social life to say the least! It's hard to keep up with this witty, thoughtful and very sexy lady.
I am now charged with the responsibilty of nominating 5 bloggers with awards.
after much consideration as all the blogs I read are an inspiration to me I have decided to give the following awards.
Prada Pixie for her thoughtfulness and compassion for all her blogger friends. she is never too busy to reach out to those of us who are in need of her warmth.
Having my cake for the courageous and honest way she has been dealing with her disability. She tells how she has been conquering her eating disorder, coping with heart ache, sharing the good and bad bits of her life.
Vi for how she dealt with the tragedy of AC's death, and all the other trials and tribulations in her life that we are priviledged to read about.
DJ Kirkby I am fairly new to reading this blog but she amazes me and others with her wordless wednesday pictures and monday games. her descriptions of making blackberry icecream, bread and butter pickles and other scrumptious goodies.
Ronjazz If you don't know this blog Ron paints incredible pictures with his words. In recent weeks ron has created his harem which is a collection of stories about various female bloggers who he has become aquainted with. I know he is feeling down at present and I sincerely hope that his spirit lifts soon.
So there it is. The creator of the Writer's Reviews Blogger Awards is Christy Z. If you receive one of her awards, you are to go to the link I just put in, and nominate another 5 bloggers one of her awards. She has 5 to choose from. It's up to you whoSo there it is. The creator of the Writer's Reviews Blogger Awards is Christy Z. If you receive one of her awards, you are to go to the link I just put in, and nominate another 5 bloggers one of her awards. She has 5 to choose from. It's up to you who you want to receive which awards.
Vi says who is the lucky man
I take that to mean that she thinks I am smiling because I have had a nice fuck.
although I have had offers from several quarters I have only had one fuck in the last couple of weeks.
The reason I have been smiling is much simpler than that.
Last night I had a chance (although I almost missed it again) to chat to a special man.
did we talk about fucking ?
did we talk about meeting up?
did we talk about missing each other?
what did we talk about?
does it matter what we were talking about?
not to me
it only matters that we were talking to each other and it was an easy chat just like it used to be before sex got in the way.
I didnt say anything about the way he told me he was going away.
he didn't say anything about the sarcastic message I left when I first read his message.
we are ok :-)
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
I pick him up after work to go sort his car out. we get half way to the city when he realises hes left his car keys at home !!!!
where is the sense in that ?
finally we manage to retrieve his documents from his car but it is too late to do anything else. Tomorrow he has to get to the city and go to the council offices once he has tax disc then get across the city to get his car released.
sometimes I wonder about that boy grrrr
Tuesday, 4 September 2007
stopped at the gym on my way home from work. when #4 son rang me, he has lost his school blazer!!. he remembers wearing it home from school but has lost it now. Doh... then it must be in the house silly. A few minutes later he calls to say he has found it amongst his brother #3's things. Phew I can't afford to buy him a new one after just one day.
Later in the evening after I had returned to the house after my date for the evening had had to cry off due to a crisis. I got a phone call from #1 son. He came out of work at 8pm his car was not where he had left it at 8am. So now I had my own family crisis, good thing I hadn't gone out drinking as I had to drive to the city to get him. he went to the police station who cofirmed what we had guessed. His car had been taken away by the council as he had been rather foolish. He had ignored all my lectures about getting his car taxed. He had bought it at the end of july and not received the tax form yet. he has now spoken to the council and should be able to get it back on thursday when he has a day off work. I am hoping that he has now realised how important it is to pay his bills first and socialise after, not the otherway around.
give me strength!!! at least #2 and #3 didn't lose anything.
Monday, 3 September 2007
Not sure how much I shall be blogging in next few weeks as my life appears to be getting busier by the day. I am off out tonight with a friend who I have not mentioned on here for a long time. Friday I'm off to join in the adult fun at the playhouse. I could go on the motorbike ride tomorrow but feel I should spend some time with the kids. there are also the other social events I have signed up for. I am registering to do creative writing course which is on thursday evenings and also joining Gym that and doing my computer course and fitting in work will keep me busy.
Sunday, 2 September 2007
he had loved me all the time he was with her
I asked him what he loved about me
he told me that she hates his snoring she was never in the bed when he woke up
his snoring had never bothered me too much it was something I could put up with
this particular night his snoring was getting bad
so what did I do?
A) did I get out of bed and leave him there?
B) did I kick him awake so he would stop snoring?
C) did I kiss him over and over again until he woke up and fucked me?
the mother is frustrated but resigned ........ 'if they don't have your size there is nothing we can do about it!'
petulant daughter.......'if I don't have one I will get detention after detention....well if I don't get one you will have to write notes to explain why'
a few minutes later as #4 son is in fitting room trying trousers the same girl is trying a larger jumper...........' I should get this as it will at least have entertainment value it is so large'.
two hours and £120 later we have everything we need, and I am exhausted but pleased that we managed the whole trip with no frayed nerves, no tantrums. #4 has tried on his uniform a few times and been practicing doing his tie. He has marked up all his own things (to excited to let me do it)and packed his bag ready for monday morning when he has his first day at senior school. my baby is growing up!!