Battles

I have noticed in recent weeks that I have become more confident in myself

I have managed to bag myself a new job using my confidence as a big factor. there were three of us who were interviewed, but I managed to remain positive and confident all through the proceedure. They now tell me that the remit was to find a confident 'cheeky female' to join the team. I also managed to negotiate myself a decent pay rise with the promise to review it in six months.

I have managed to convince myself that I don't need a man to make me happy. I can be happy without a man in my life. It would however be nice to have a man to snuggle up to on a cold night. But I am learning not to sell myself short. If a man does not show me the respect I deserve then hes out the door however much I like him. Previously I would have let them treat me badly just so that I could still see them.

I would rather stay home and be lonely (but I don't feel lonely anymore) than be out with someone who treats me like a plaything.

However saying all this I am still locked in a battle. I have the opportunities to have sex almost as much as I want. Some offers are from single men and others are married men. Men like Oxo still want to see me but I made my decision that I would remain celibate unless I am in a relationship. I find it hard to keep turning him and others down. It is very flattering to be told that these men still want to see me again. I feel selfish for turning them down. I know, I know, I should not feel like this I have to do what is right for me.

It is hard enough turning down the single guys but the married ones are harder still. This should be easier as I decided ages ago that I won't get involved with any married men anymore. I am sure they think it is personal and it is them personally that I am rejecting but it is more than that. If I was married I would be devastated if my husband was seeing anyone else. I cannot do that to another woman. I went through a stage where I convinced myself that these men were out there looking for women, I didn't go looking for them. If they are going to cheat on their wives then they will do so anyway whether its with me or not so why should I miss out on them, after all I am single and can see who ever I want. But I have grown out of that. My morals have kicked back in and tell me that if I give in then I am hurting another woman even if she doesn't know about it.

Apart from not wanting to hurt other women I have another reason for staying away from married men for anything more than friendship. I don't want to play the field anymore. I want a loving relationship with someone who wants only me. Married men cannot give me this, I am not stupid enough to think that any of the married men I know are going to fall deeply in love with me and leave their wife for me, so that would make me the other woman and I want to be 'The One' not the 'other one'.