A test of love

As you are all aware I am in love with my Romeo
To be honest I find it a little bemusing, after all we have only met once in 9 months, but I was already in love with the man I was getting to know online before we met in person. Meeting him just confirmed how I felt. I am not so stupid as to have confessed my love to him. I did though as we were laying naked limbs entwined admit that I like him. He saw through that and with a little encouragement from him I admitted that I like him .............. a lot. He seemed to be satisfied with that. I wouldn't tell him that I am in love with him as that would scare the hell out of him, come to that it scares the hell out of me too.

When we met it was just perfect, I felt so relaxed so natural with him right from the first moment. I had joked in the early weeks that when we met I would feel as though I had come home. I don't know if I would describe our meeting as that but I did feel that I was where I belonged. During our hours together we talked about lots of things including the sexual things we have each done in the past and what we want to do. He told me some funny stories about his work. But now I realise that we didn't talk about his world and what he wants/expects from me.

I really regret that now, that other than, that seeing each other would be irratic, we didn't discuss in more detail what this relationship would be like. Each time he has been away during the 9 months since the start of us I have been sending him text messages and emails a couple of times a week. I do this because doing that make me feel closer to him plus he always when he returns says thanks for the messages. I send him a mixture some serious but with a joke thrown in for good measure, some funny tales and some just downright silly, then there are the soppy one and also the erotic ones, he will never know what he will get next.

If he is away for a week or two I might send him a text every other day even if it is just a row of xxxxxxx and perhaps 3 emails in a week but if hes away longer I would try to ration myself to only sending one or two a week. I don't want him to be overwhelmed when he returns. Now this is where I find myself regretting that we didn't lay down any rules earlier. He goes away and I am left here waiting not knowing when I will hear from him again. At first I am ok, then as the days pass I begin to get edgy, sometimes it is something someone has said, sometimes I manage to do it all by myself. I trust him implicitly, I love him, I have faith in him, in us. But my faith begins to waver as I begin to wonder is he really playing me for a fool. I don't believe he is, I believe he is so focussed on his work that he doesn't have time to think about anything else, but once those doubts start to creep in it takes all my strength to get my belief back but I do.

Then I regain my confidence and I am fine again and I carry on with my life as usual then I hear from him again. It is a cycle that I find myself following each time he goes away. But this time he told me he would be in th Far East for two weeks, I didn't follow the cycle I remained positive throughout, until the two weeks were up, I didn't hear from him right away but I was chatting to Forest and he started asking questions planting the seeds of doubt, I still didn't hear from Romeo I became more frantic. I began to do a little digging on the internet. I wanted to know more about what Romeo does, I found a website for another of his Companies. I pulled myself together I was fine again but after the 3rd week had gone and it was heading towards 4 weeks I was worried that he had become ill again or worse had been in a car/train/plane crash. I was worried that if anything were to happen to him I would never know. I agonise but eventually I gave in to my need to know that he is safe and well, I sent him an email through one of his businesses. Something I would never have done under normal circumstances, I know he likes to keep his business and private lives seperate. (yes I know I can hear you all saying .......proof hes married). But I don't agree.

Last weekend I did a little more digging and found out some information about his UK businesses, I also found the Company address he uses for his phone and credit cards. His female business partner lives at that address, now as you can imagine my mind went into a whirl of thoughts about whether they are/were just business partners or were they in a personal relationship. I was completely torn between believing that he is everything he says he is, and thinking that he is with this woman and I am his dirty secret. Yeah yeah I know most of you will be thinking the latter. But I think I was just going through another glitch, I pulled myself together again and became calm again. I can hear you asking why do I do this to myself all the signs point to him being married and I am just being a fool.

A few days ago I got a text from him, it was very different from any I had ever had before, basically he told me that he is very busy abroad I have behaved very badly and I must ONLY email his private address. I was very distressed by his text. I wanted to shout 'HOW DARE YOU' but I didn't. I took my time to consider my response. I wrote him an email saying the only thing I am guilty of is caring too much. That his prolonged silence had driven me to do something that I had agonised over, it wasn't something I had done lightly. I waited 24 hours before sending him my response. since then I have been feeling as though a kind of pressure has been relieved.

I have gone over his text a couple of times, he wasn't telling me he didn't want me. He wasn't telling me to stop contacting him, he was merely angry that I had used that business email to get through to him. I had forced him to mix personal with his business world. From now I shall stop worrying, I know beyond any doubt that he is a very honest man, he is not playing me for a fool, he is not stringing me along, he does still want me in his life, but I have to be content to wait until he is not working. So I am going to enjoy my life while he is not around, I have wasted enough time pining for him. I know that when he is ready he will return and I shall welcome him with open arms. All this has been is our first row if you can call it that. If anything I think this will bring us closer together. stop groaning I know you still think I am just letting myself in for more heartache. But if in the end I am wrong and I do end up with a broken heart then so be it. I love him and part of loving someone is running the risk that they will break your heart.