Happy New Year

Exchanges of views

Over the past week or so I have been having exchanges of views with a variety of male friends about the state of our different relationships and what is or isn’t wrong.

You may or may not recall that in the spring I met a man who I called Lotto. He was single had not lived in the area for very long and wanted some fun but not a relationship. We met in March, he had an interview to go to later and I was in pain from a severe headache. (we just had one drink in a town centre pub).Our date had gone fairly well but I wasn’t convinced that he was very keen until a few weeks later we were chatting online and he mentioned how much he fancied me. Over the months since then I have been getting sporadic messages from him. Each one saying how much he likes me and wants to chat again and hopefully meet again. I did tell him that I was giving up casual sex but was happy to remain friends. He agreed to this. Shortly before Christmas we discussed meeting again over the Christmas holidays.

I sent him an email saying that I am still single and would be happy to see him again.

His reply…..

Nice one,

I'm still attached but I'd still like to meet - thats if its ok with you - not sure when maybe after xmas and before new year - let me know

Now this stopped me in my tracks

I think I must have missed something .......... ‘I'm still attached but I'd still like to meet’ I didn't know you were attached.........I thought you were single you told me you were.

Hi,

I'm not married and I do live alone but I have a girlfriend. It did say that in my AFF profile and I was under the impression we had discussed this.

I'm sorry if I've offended you and I can understand if you didn't want to meet.

Good luck with the new job and have a good Christmas
Now if he had ever told me that he had a girlfriend I would have remembered that but in all the time we have been chatting I have never thought of him as having a girlfriend. In fact he always said things like this……
I've not had any meets since we met (shame we couldn't get to know each other more)
At the time when we met I was being less choosy so it would have been less important that there was a girlfriend somewhere around although I would still have cared about it. Anyway the point is that to me a girlfriend is no different to a wife. Not something you forget about. Now I did think it was strange that Lotto had not met anyone else in all this time as he is an intelligent and sexy man. However I assumed this was because he had not come across anyone he wanted to meet. Now I still like him and feel he is sexy but it does alter my feelings towards him in that I feel he has betrayed his girlfriend and also me to a degree in that he let me think he was unattached (I quite clearly remember him saying that he wasn’t ready for a relationship following his divorce). I thought he was a sweet shy man, now I know he is capable of wanting to play away behind his partner’s back even if he hasn’t actually done it. He has tainted the way I felt about him.

I was discussing this online with another friend who didn’t see anything wrong. Now this other friend told me that he himself was unattached which I disagree with. He has recently left a long term relationship for another woman. To me this makes him attached. To him he has never been tied to anyone. I cannot comprehend this way of thinking. Surely if you are in a committed relationship with someone then you are tied to them. I cannot understand how anyone can live with the same partner, love and care about that partner and not believe that they are doing anything wrong by sleeping with other women so long as the partner doesn’t know.
To me and to the majority of people to sleep with others when you are in a relationship is cheating. How can it not be described as cheating. Ok I am guilty of sleeping with some married men. I didn’t choose to find married men they came looking for me. I am single and can sleep with whom ever I like but these men should not be looking for satisfaction outside their relationship. The only time I would say that it is not cheating is if they have the blessing of their partner ie in a polyamorous relationship. If the partner does not know then they cannot give their consent, therefore all other relations are a betrayal of that primary relationship. I do feel guilt about the women whose husbands I have been with and it doesn’t make me feel good. But I don’t see many of these men feeling the same guilt, if they did then why do they do it. The only one who was overcome by guilt the very first time we had sex was GB. He was so consumed by the guilt that as much as we both wanted it we agreed not to continue.

I have also been exchanging messages with another friend about the lack of having someone to share with. He told me that he hated not having anyone to wake up with over the Christmas break. He is the first man I have ever heard express that exact sentiment. Many men say they want someone to go to bed with. That’s the easy part finding someone to go to bed with. The hard part is finding someone to wake up with. This is what I have been looking for. I can find men to take to bed fairly easily but that is not what I want. I want to not wake up alone every morning. I want someone who will be there in the morning. Not every day as I don’t think I could cope with a full time relationship again just yet. But to be able to wake up in the arms of my lover regularly that’s what I want.

I feel kind of honoured that one single man I met late last year, was so happy waking up with me that he decided to give up casual sex. He wanted a relationship so that he wouldn’t be waking up alone all the time anymore. He told me that it was all down to me (ah how nice it is to be flattered). Within weeks he met someone, I forget how they met but it wasn’t online. They recently bought a house together and in a few months will be getting married in the Caribbean. Every few months he chats but we have never talked about meeting again.

I have been thinking about all the conversations I have had with various men over the last 2 years nearly and all the blogs I have been reading. I think all this has helped me to have a much better understanding of how married men feel about the lack of sex in their lives and how frustrated they get when they are rejected by their wives. Maybe this post has sounded as though I am being judgemental of my friends (even those I have benefited sexually from). I always try to keep an open mind and not judge others by their actions but there are actions that I couldn’t do. I am sure it is hypocritical of me to say that you shouldn’t cheat on your partner but if you are going to then you can do it with me. Just don’t expect me to cheat on my partner when I have one. Because basically that’s what it boils down to.

I suppose it is down to each of us to work out for ourselves where the boundaries between what’s right and what’s wrong are. Obviously the boundaries are not the same for all of us. I was trying to explain to Skipper when we met that although I have been quite happy to play the field, once I found the right person I would be very happy to be faithful to that person. If I was in a relationship with someone I cared about I would not stray. However I am not closing the door to swinging if I was with the right person and our relationship was strong if we both equally wanted to swing together.

christmas

Here is to a great Christmas

for all my friends

Hugs and Kisses to each

and every one of you

XXXXXXX

Battles

I have noticed in recent weeks that I have become more confident in myself

I have managed to bag myself a new job using my confidence as a big factor. there were three of us who were interviewed, but I managed to remain positive and confident all through the proceedure. They now tell me that the remit was to find a confident 'cheeky female' to join the team. I also managed to negotiate myself a decent pay rise with the promise to review it in six months.

I have managed to convince myself that I don't need a man to make me happy. I can be happy without a man in my life. It would however be nice to have a man to snuggle up to on a cold night. But I am learning not to sell myself short. If a man does not show me the respect I deserve then hes out the door however much I like him. Previously I would have let them treat me badly just so that I could still see them.

I would rather stay home and be lonely (but I don't feel lonely anymore) than be out with someone who treats me like a plaything.

However saying all this I am still locked in a battle. I have the opportunities to have sex almost as much as I want. Some offers are from single men and others are married men. Men like Oxo still want to see me but I made my decision that I would remain celibate unless I am in a relationship. I find it hard to keep turning him and others down. It is very flattering to be told that these men still want to see me again. I feel selfish for turning them down. I know, I know, I should not feel like this I have to do what is right for me.

It is hard enough turning down the single guys but the married ones are harder still. This should be easier as I decided ages ago that I won't get involved with any married men anymore. I am sure they think it is personal and it is them personally that I am rejecting but it is more than that. If I was married I would be devastated if my husband was seeing anyone else. I cannot do that to another woman. I went through a stage where I convinced myself that these men were out there looking for women, I didn't go looking for them. If they are going to cheat on their wives then they will do so anyway whether its with me or not so why should I miss out on them, after all I am single and can see who ever I want. But I have grown out of that. My morals have kicked back in and tell me that if I give in then I am hurting another woman even if she doesn't know about it.

Apart from not wanting to hurt other women I have another reason for staying away from married men for anything more than friendship. I don't want to play the field anymore. I want a loving relationship with someone who wants only me. Married men cannot give me this, I am not stupid enough to think that any of the married men I know are going to fall deeply in love with me and leave their wife for me, so that would make me the other woman and I want to be 'The One' not the 'other one'.

Lady in Red

my friends who read Lady in Red have told me to stop posting on here as it confuses them and they are only reading that one now.

Is there anyone still reading this blog who doesn't read Lady in Red. would it be a problem if I stop posting on here?

HNT in Ivory satin

skipper

he has the softest most gentle hands, he spent hours just stroking my hands as we talked, playing footsie under the table. He is easy to be with. I think he is a man who is used to getting his own way although he is a very gentle, interesting and down to earth man. Like others who have been my lovers inc swinger he is ex army. (I find it odd that I have had several ex army lovers since we live in an area that is very much Navy orientated and I have only met one navy man).

we chatted for a couple of hours managing to get in a couple of kisses (not easy across the table). I had my first date with N in this pub on that occasion I was all but sat on his lap whilst all the time being watched by a friend of SF.

Skipper had come by train so he asked me if I could give him a lift back to the station, taking as long a route as I wanted. He helped me on with my coat, carried my folder ( I had brought some of my writing to show him so we would have something to talk about....he also writes adult fantasies), and held my hand as we walked through town to the car park. Once in my car he began kissing me passionately. we decided it was time to find somewhere more private that under a lamp post in a public car park over looked by the local police station. I decided the easiest place would be the side car park by the football club I used to be involved in. but as we drove along the road beside the football stadium there was police man on his push bike he followed us to the main car park, you can't go anywhere else we passed him again on our way back out. then I remembered a car park that is not used much outside working hours.

Here we found a nice spot away from street lamps ......just a couple of other cars parked at the other end and got down to some serious kissing and fondling. My driver's seat became extremely wet before we decided it was time to get him back to his train. On the way out of the car park we came across the same policeman on his bike heading back to his station. I took skipper back tot he station where we kissed goodnight and I went home. Once I had parked I just sat in my car for about 10 minutes. I just didn't have any urge to move. I was feeling very contented. I text him that I was feeling drunk, (which I wasn't, I had only had one drink). We text each other for a while one of his being......sexy girl

when I woke this morning I had a text from him that I wasn't so keen on.........yes. lets have sex somewhere.........this had been at 2.30am. I was just considering how to reply to this when I got another more mundane text from him. I told him that I had slept well apart from being woken by a text in the night.

was it rude? I do hope not.

It was suggesting sex

oh that's awful! Dump him!

ok, your dumped!....................x

X

sorry about that late text.I sent it about eleven, must have been a slow delivery. I keep thinking about you.

should I forgive you?

depends what my punishment is to be

we continued to text each other intermittently throughout the day and evening with a brief chat on IM this evening. Somehow I don't think you have heard the last of Skipper.

new and exciting developments

there have been new and exciting developments over night

watch this space ..........

pssst shall I let you into a secret

I have been out on a date with a new man

for now I shall call him Skipper but that might change

I am home again now after he had to catch his train home

he just text me

'sexy girl'

text messages

This evening I was bored and fell asleep on the sofa, I woke up around 9pm to find both my mobiles bleeping at me. On one was a text from Neptune, he must have been missing me as I had purposefully not made any contact since thursday. I don't see why it should always be me who makes contact first. He seems to expect me to do all the work here and I am not going to do it any more. I like him and I think he likes me but if he can't make the effort then I don't see this going anywhere especially as he lives so far away.

On my other phone was the start of an email from swinger so I looked at my mail via my phone to see what he said. It was his explanation for why he had gone quiet on me last year. We have since exchanged a couple of long text messages. We are going to be friends. I know I can do that, it isn't a problem. If I can be friends with forest after the way he hurt me then I can certainly be friends with swinger too. I did miss swinger when he vanished but he didn't and hasn't hurt me. To be honest I am relieved that he isn't coming back into my life as anything other than a friend.

Today I went back to one of the original dating sites that I had joined a long time ago and have been exchanging messages with a couple of new guys on one site. One of them lives in the same town as Oxo the other lives on a boat about 10 miles away from me. This man is also keen on writing and went to creative writing classes last year. He wants to write adult fantasies. we have been chatting on IM tonight so it will be interesting to see if anything develops there. As yet I have not decided on a nickname for him.

Oxo has been chatting again this evening, even though he hinted he has given up asking me to go over to see him. But I bet if I suggested it he would not hesitate to say yes. lol he is very funny and sweet, I just wish I felt more for him.

email

yesterday I sent out an email to a fair few friends ......it was one of those meme type emails that was sent to me by Waynecoff. you fill in your own answers to the questions. One question being who do you think will be first to reply. I said it would be *****. Now on the list of recipients there were two men with this name.

The first reply was from one of these two.


I bet I wasn't the first or do you have another *****?

I'm not avoiding you darling, just manic with the things I have on my plate. I wish one of them was you naked but for a pair of stokings and suspenders in heels and red nails and matching lipstick with a twinkle in your eye suggesting cum and get me and then you know what ..........................

Bless you my lovely Still lusting for you and your ways you mind and body and what you do for me :-)

HNT

This week I thought I would give my poor feet a nice bubble bath Before giving them an airing

kisses

when first we met I just wanted to be kissed by you forever. every time we kissed I just melted into you. Your kisses made me feel I wanted to be one with you. You were the first man I had kissed for many years. My husband was not one for kissing and soppy things like that. As the years passed even though I longed to be kissed passionately I dreaded his rare kisses. They were not nice being slimey and just ewwww.

But from the moment you kissed me that first time I knew I wanted more. As the evening progressed I couldn't get enough of your kisses. Weeks passed and still your kisses made me melt. But things changed, you changed. Months passed and we were no more.

That night when we met beneath the twinkling stars gazing out over the city with all its lights spread out beneath us, me one side of the table and you opposite. I knew very quickly that I wanted to be kissed by you. I had met others whose kisses I did not care too much for but I knew yours would be special. You had promised me a tongue to die for. When finally we did kiss I discovered I had been right and some more. I had come to learn that kissing was very important to me. If the kisses were not right then there would be nothing else. But your kisses fitted the bill just right.

You had realised your mistake and begged me to take you back, I didn't know what to do as I had loved you so very much, but you had broken my heart once too many times in just 6 months. But now there was this other man whose kisses were as good as ever yours were . I spent a couple of days with you but something didn't fit. Your kisses didn't make me melt anymore. Your kisses were awkward. you asked me who had taught me to kiss this way as it was difficult for you to kiss me now.

I told you how he had criticised my kissing style, you promised me there was nothing wrong with my kissing but just to make sure we should meet up so you could give me your verdict, make sure I was kissing well. You promised me that I do kiss well there is nothing wrong with my kissing it is him that is awkward. I didn't see him again. then you left too, I went from having a choice of two men to none in less than a week.

Months later he was professing his love, he had made mistakes, but it was me he had loved all along. during the year since I had first met him he had been engaged to one woman and asked another to marry him though he says he didn't stop loving me. But his kisses were still wrong. I tried to make it work but it was all wrong. I couldn't kiss him anymore and if I couldn't kiss him then I couldn't make love to him either. I tried to be nice and tell him it wasn't him but me, but really his kisses didn't match up to yours how could they, he is him and you are you. I know who I would rather kiss.

update

Apart from the few text on saturday I have not heard from Sammy, he had said he would try to be online on sunday evening. He had said that eveything will be back to normal after tuesday so maybe he will be online tonight but I have my writing class tonight. I have now given up on the idea of him being my final fling. I just can't see it happening. It could only be at a weekend, there are not many of these left before xmas and I can't see it happening at all if we have not met before then.

I spoke to Forest very briefly yesterday, he has been manically busy. I couldn't chat for long as I was just about to take #4 son to the Dr's (he had been sent home from school with stomach cramps and nausea....the pain being in the region of his appendix).

I didn't hear from Neptune yesterday although he was back at work. He had told me on monday that he had been looking at new pc's to replace his one that has given up.

I went onto AFF last night just to check something out. I found that I have 11 new messages even though I have not been online for so long. One of these messages (the only one I looked at) was from Mr Passionate. Hes hoping we can get to see each other soon. I left him a reply but still didn't tell him that I won't be seeing him again. However I woke up about 1.10am and decided to text him that I miss him. (he doesn't finish work until around 2.30/3am). so that was the start of a text conversation catching up. Not easy when half asleep and only one eye open. crumbs I just looked there were 9 text from him so I must have replied 9 times. I have now told him that I have been asked to stay on at work until march which means I have to save 4 out of my 5 1/2 days leave for the christmas shut down. Therefore making it very difficult to see him. The only reason I was able to see him last time was because I was already staying in a local hotel for the night and he called in on his way home from work but had to leave in time to get home before his wife woke up. (by the way he thinks it would be a waste if I give up sex....he also says that when/if I ever get around to letting Neptune know about my sexual side........' he's in for a treat then, as you have an extremely sexual side ;-)x ' )

Swinger? hmmmm I got more non personal emails from him last night. I am still waiting for him to be ready to answer questions but I have waited a year so I can wait still. It would be just typical if he decides to chat tonight when I am at my class.

I think Oxo has finally got the idea that he can ask as many times as he likes I still won't go to his place any more. I saw him come online but he didn't chat, thats a first!!

spanner in the works

last week I was saying that men are strange

I have now not heard from Sammy since 21/10/07

since telling Oxo that I would not be seeing him any more as I am not going to be indulging in casual sex anymore. What we had was good but it wasn't what I now want. the odd thing is that when I was seeing him he only ever chatted online as a prelude to asking me over which was probably about once every couple of weeks. But since I told him I wasn't going to be going over he has been chatting nearly every night and still asking me to go over there.

today I was asked by another blogger to define casual. To me casual sex means any sex that is not within a steady relationship. It could be a one night stand or it could be a series of nights like I had with Oxo who isn't a partner I am having a relationship with.

You can tease me and test me as much as you like but I won't be having sex unless it is within a relationship.

hmmm now I feel strongly about this. My playing the field was only ever meant to be a temporary situation whilst I was not ready for a LTR. Now I am ready and if that means being celibate until I find the right person well at least I have my new friend.

But last night a spanner was thrown into the works with the reappearance in my life of someone who could make a big difference to everything. watch this space.............

HNT in mauve

I have many pictures of my legs

I get asked why

they are the easiest part of my body to take pictures of

when I have no one to help me

I also happen to think

My legs are not bad for an old girl

memory full

the memory on my mobile is full so I have been going through it deleting messages

here is a selection before they are gone forever

ok look forward to any meeting with u x will try and get sorted for a chat soon x (10/06/07)

Hello u ;-) where have you been babe. you dropped off the planet x (03/07/07)

:-( damn! Never mind babe, you know im here when you're free. just call me x (03/07/07)

I did enjoy you and would like that again (04/07/07)

Great. Only I would get a txt saying 'I dont want a shag' in the early hours. Twas ever thus..... (05/07/07)

I think fuckwits are like the poor - always with us. Nothing much to be done. (05/07/07)

Well no I was asleep (05/07/07)

You know where to come to get that boredom relieved babe ;-) x (05/07/07)

Dont tell me you're alone now? what a waste I could have those legs on my shoulders right now, easing in and out of a very wet hole! You need to get the kids to vacate the house during the day lol ;-) (05/7/07)

And to you! Good day lined up? I might have a blog meet! (06/07/07)

wickedly funny, isn't it....;) (07/07/07)

Oh yes. I have a flogger if you are interested.... (07/07/07)

:( - did he say how serious? (10/07/07)

It is a rarity in these parts! Had a very strange offer today, to go and gang bang someones wife in local woods whilst it is being filmed lol. it takes all sorts! (11/07/07)

So you do ....Coming back to earth now. Get ready. (12/07/07)

Hey you .. Don't be upset. Pet? No way! Talk later? (13/07/07)

Am I good in your latest fantasy lol ;-) x (13/07/07)

Looking forward to friday x x (31/07/07)

Mmmm very high praise indeed. I do like to please and we do have great sex together ;-) (02/08/07)

Thanks babe, see you in a few hours ;-) x (03/08/07)

It was a pleasure :) (03/08/07)

On way back to uk after two weeks with no internet x (04/08/07)

I always cum babe ;-) I know what you mean. was good to see you again x (06/08/07)

An aprilla tuono. why? (30/08/07)

Thats enough now ............I had forgotten about so many of those text and the ones that went with them that I haven't posted.......but they sure brought back some memories.
I just wonder if you can work out who any of them were sent by. let me see there were a total of 6 men I think (4 read this blog). Not many people have the number for this phone.

what will he do?

Neptune now has my mobile number
he says thank you for this
But what will he do
will he keep it but not use it
will he send me a nice text
or will he give me a call so we can hear each other for the first time

He has computer problems
can only make contact from work
he could have seen me on sunday
if his computer was working
but he wasnt able to tell me
so that was a missed opportunity

men are strange

what is it with men?

Sammy has gone into hiding........not heard from him since last weekend at which point he was wishing I was at his place only he had his teenage daughter staying for a few days. I text him in the early hours last night

what happened to the offer of a pillow.......at this rate my electric toothbrush will be worn out before I get any action.

hes not been online or text all week
he normally tells me if hes going to be away.


Neptune has gone missing too
We have been exchanging messages at least once or twice a day on the dating site for the past couple of weeks. On thursay I didn't reply to his message. friday morning he found me on msn before work. told me all about the program on spiders that he had see the night before because he knows I have currently got a thing about spiders. But I have heard nothing from him since. I sent a very brief message on saturday evening. But I can tell from the site that he has not yet read it. He has not even logged onto the site since saturday lunchtime. He is usually on there every few hours. seems very odd to me.

Oxo has not gone missing. He is chatting to me now. First time since I told him I wouldn't see him any more. Hes been quite friendly but did try telling me things wont work with new man. Now hes trying to persuade me to go see him NOW!!

don't worry, new man will never find out

funny thing is that Oxo has lived most of his life in the same town that Neptune lives in now. OMG how awful would that be if by some strange coincidence they knew each other. Oxo has only been where he is now for 4 years.

Not heard from Forest for over a week now either but nothing odd about that.


Update

mystery solved Neptune having computer problems at home, sent message from work today.

Forest has been chatting most of this evening.

Forest

Hi Forest now that you have got back into the habit of reading my blogs again and even commented. I was wondering. I know you always enjoyed reading about my adventures with other men. Have you got around to reading my descriptions of you and me. I am sure you would enjoy them. But to save you having to trawl through the archives. check out these links. Lovely suprise about when we met at the park. Then there is Gentle which was the first time we fucked. I have not really said much about the first time you came to my place. Then there was my special friday, which I am sure you will remember. I didn't really say much about that time as I was writing more about the spanking/caning that went before it and my two hours of passion with the sexy Mr Passionate in the early hours of the next morning. But you might like to read Heaven is a place which was not so much a description of events more a memory of feelings. It seems to me that I had no problems with writing about feelings but I just couldn't write about the actual sex as easily as I could when it involved other men.

whilst writing this I have been chatting with Si, our conversation turned to that day at the hotel so I emailed him the posts about that. his comment apart from it sounds very erotic.........


i feel really envious of Forest!

cam can be fun

I had forgotten how much fun it can be.
It was taking for ages to get online...........in the end it took 5 bloody hours of logging on before it stopped freezing.
Sammy was sending text messages
mmmmmmmm I do enjoy his texts
he even persuaded me to send him a picture or two........... Oh well maybe I should admit I didn't need much persuading
I do like to tease him and he is very appreciative
Then I got online eventually and there he was waiting for me ;-)
more teasing and more pictures
Finally no one was using my computer in my room so I swapped computers, it was about 10.30pm by then
I changed ready for bed in a pink satin chemise
I'm not sure why but I put my web cam on even though he hadn't asked
It was the first time he had seen me on web cam as I don't normally use it for anyone
I can't be bothered to go through the scenario of guys asking to see my boobs etc and me saying no, so I just don't use it
but last night I did and I enjoyed his enthusiasm just for seeing me
he loved to see my smile
told me I oozed sexuality ( I think he lies)
we talk, we flirt, we tease, we have fun
he watches as I rub baby oil on my legs
hes really enjoying that, so feeling naughty I start to rub the oil all over my breasts too
now hes really getting excited
the more excited he gets the more I am loving it
by now I am getting wet and it isn't just the baby oil
I'm sending him more pictures, he gets to see some that no one else has seen
I start to play
another friend comes online........
a friend I hadn't spoken to for a while
so there I am having a normal conversation in one window
and playing for Sammy in the other window
this made it even more fun for me, it wasn't long before I came
He says he is determined to make sure that we get together
I have told him that it will have to be soon or it may never happen
We talked about Neptune
I said if things work out with Neptune then I won't be seeing anyone else including him
Sammy says that even though it would mean he misses out he really hopes it works out with Neptune, he really wants me to be happy
Isn't he sweet

to eat or not to eat

One of the things that has happened since I divorced my husband is that I don't eat properly. there are several reasons for this.
when SF was here he did most of the cooking (when he wasn't in the pub). I did all the running around taking the boys everywhere he did the cooking. (he got home from work 3 hours earlier than me)I would get a meal put in front of me. Not always what I wanted and not always at convenient times but it was there and nine times out of ten I would eat it.
then I decided I couldn't stay married to him. He stopped cooking for anyone but himself. fine I can and do cook, I always cooked when he wasn't here anyway.

I began cooking meals for the boys but wasn't hungry myself ( a combination of stress and my new progesterone tablets). I would cook for them and decide that I would get myself something later. Sometimes I didn't fancy a proper meal and just snacked. Other times I would suddenly realise that it was bed time and I hadn't been hungry so hadn't eaten.
the weight that had crept on over the years of pregnancy, breast feeding, comfort eating, then the bad diet due to my radiotherapy combined with lack of energy as I recovered, began to fall off me. In the summer of 2006 I was wearing size 14 skirts and jeans. I hadn't been that size since before I fell pregnant with #1 son. (gained 4.5 st in that preganancy).

but then I did a few weeks temp work which involved working from 12 noon until 6pm this meant a very early lunch followed by a late dinner. I was snacking in between to stave off the low blood sugar that I sometimes suffer from. I began snacking more at home too. I still wasn't eating proper meals. My mum takes me out for lunch and to rotary dinners so that she can make sure I have a proper meal now and again.

by the time I started this job in June my work clothes were getting a little too snug. again I have a job which involves working through lunch time. I eat at my desk, but the difference to others is that my work means constant keyboard work. It would be very difficult for me to eat a salad at my desk whilst still typing. So I tend to eat mostly sandwiches or rolls.
Again in the evenings I feed the boys and may or may not feed myself later. Occasionally I will eat with the boys but not often. Most things only seem to be enough for them anyway. I think it must be about 3 years since I last ate a roast dinner but that is partly through choice and partly
because I cant afford to buy a joint or a chicken that is big enough for all of us. If there is not enough I prefer to feed my boys first.

Now on top of all this I have an inner turmoil going on. I expressed this to a friend for the first time a few months ago.
It is like I have two voices going on inside my head. there is the one that tells me I must eat to keep healthy. then there is the other one which tells me I must not eat too much as I need to lose weight. Now I know this sounds like annorexia.........but I know that I am not dangerously thin, if anything I am dangerously overweight. Not only can I not get into my size 14 skirts anymore but it the same with size 16.....some size 18 are now too tight. there is no way I want to get back to the size I was a few years ago.

So where does this leave me?
I have an inability to eat fibre (fruit, veg, whole grains, its a long list) except in very small quantities. :-( I miss my salads and fruit
I have a job that makes it difficult to eat a healthy lunch
I have little money and 4 growing lads to feed
I have a small appetite.
I have an inner turmoil

But now I have a volunteer to try to get me to eat properly and in the best way for me so that I can eat properly and still lose weight.

this evening

well thats another evening gone
I have chatted on msn to forest, we chatted about mundane, we chatted about sex, we chatted about what I want and how to get it. we talked about Oxo (forest called him a git ......I nearly told him that hes no better.........I did say ........most men are). Oxo wanted me to drop everything and go to him.........hes feeling horny.........he has a day off work tomorrow..............he offered me bacon and eggs for breakfast..........it didn't matter to him that I was in the middle of writing about cancer and didn't want to stop half way through. I told him no so he logged off without even saying goodnight. He does that!! I even expect it now.
I chatted to another man who I made friends with through the dating site. Hes feeling sorry for himself (just for a change). funny he logged off when he was complaining and I said .......no but we survive to live another day. Perhaps I hit a nerve.
There have been a few emails exchanged with Neptune............its odd we seem to have gone back to emails through the dating site.......I wonder why he isn't chatting on msn anymore.
Oh and SF called to give the boys some more cakes and buns etc (end of date food) and gave me a whopping £100 maintenace for the boys for the next month. I shall try to make it last!!

this morning I read the latest post on evening's blog, she had to go to hospital today (she is a breast cancer survivor). I couldn't stop thinking about her post all day so now I have written a post about it. Over recent months I have come to know several women bloggers who have had breast cancer, I can't identify with them over the surgery but the impact of cancer is something I do know about.

oh and I found a blogger who was hiding........I wasn't looking, I figured that if he really wanted me to read his blog he would tell me where to go to find it. If he didn't want to tell me then I wouldn't bother searching. But I stumbled across it while reading other blogs.

Now it is past midnight and I realise that yet again I forgot to have dinner.

what do you think?

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One of those days

It has been one of those days

They don’t happen all that often

I woke up before the alarm this morning so it was fairly easy to get up today.

That’s always a good start.

Had a brief chat with Thomas mmmmm hes been away again but says he was thinking about me so much when he was on the sun lounger he had to turn over to keep his arousal from being obvious.

Mid morning I got a phone call from the assistant branch manager at my bank. He has credited my account with the amounts taken fraudulently, plus the amounts of all bank charges that have occurred since this problem arose together with all the interest charged on my overdraft during this time. Yippee now I can afford the fuel to get to work tomorrow.

On the way home from work I stopped at the hypermarket near where I work. It is the first time I have been there. It makes my local Asda which is considered to be big, seem more like a corner shop. I couldn’t help but buy myself a new green top, a fushia sweater, and some cream sandals reduced to £2.50 (how could I resist). More school shirts and PE shirts for #3 and #4 sons, a new watch for #2 for his birthday next week. Plus a few groceries including, a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.

Next after I got home and changed it was off to the gym to meet my PT. but I made a wrong choice and found myself stuck in traffic and no way out. I was 10 minutes late arriving at the gym. Eye candy was in reception and told me that PT was waiting for me upstairs. PT was due to take a class in 45 minutes and as he didn’t want to rush our session he suggested I just work out as usual today and reschedule our session for another day. This was good for me as I hadn’t been to the gym since I became ill. I didn’t think it would be wise to try to push myself too much after doing very little for over a week. Anyway I had a good work out, I am finding my confidence now and not so self conscious about using the larger gym. It was very busy today. I overhead a conversation between two men saying they had never seen it so busy. I had had to park in the overflow carpark. When I left feeling good from my work out the overflow car park was packed. But I was amazed as I was leaving, that I passed so many cars on their way in. There is no way they would have all been able to park.

I have been exchanging more emails with Neptune on and off during the evening which is good. I have also completed my homework for this week. Oh and I have joined Face book at the invitation of Rusty, I have spent much of this evening putting together my ideal bedroom (red and cream naturally). If anyone wants to be my friend on face book just let me know.

I am feeling good right now ;-)

Sammy

I don’t think I have told you much about Sammy. Of course I met him on That site. The one I am no longer on (neither is he). We exchanged messages for a few days then moved onto email and msn addresses at which point there was a misunderstanding. You can read about that here and here. He was very apologetic and like a fool I forgave him. We chatted fairly often after this for a few months. I sent him some of my fantasies which he enjoys reading very much. It was never on the cards for us to meet as he lives in Essex, although I do or rather did know some of the area where he lives as my grand parents lived in the area when I was a child, so I have fond memories of holidays there.

In the lead up to my spanking I had been chatting to Sammy so he knew what was going to happen. He knew about Forest and that I had arranged for Forest to come to the hotel to kiss me better after my spanking. The next morning when I was feeling sleepy I was online and thought I was telling Sammy all about the night before and how I had spent my time in the hotel room with 3 different men over the course of 16 hours. Only I hadn’t looked very closely at the name of the man I was chatting to. That’s when I discovered that I was actually talking to Fireman Sam. Some introduction eh? I didn’t speak to Sammy for a few weeks until after my second visit to see Fireman Sam, I was online when I thought it was Fireman Sam chatting again but it was Sammy.

Since then our chats have got more and more personal. Quite some time ago Sammy had said that he would love to meet me but because of the distance I didn’t give it much thought. Then a few weeks ago, we were chatting, he was about to go abroad for a few days with his work, a slip of the finger and I found that I had agreed to meet him which hadn’t been what I had meant to say. I just hoped that he would forget about it while he was away. He returned and we chatted as normal. Then I had the big upset over Forest. Sammy was a great, he kept me chatting for hours he sympathised but also coached me in how to behave in the future so that I wouldn’t have the same problem. I had recently begun chatting to Neptune, Sammy has been helping me to behave myself and not reveal too much of my sexuality to Neptune. I am taking it very slowly with Neptune.

I had by now made my decision that I didn’t want the NSA lifestyle anymore and no matter how long it takes I am going to be a good girl. Well I would be once I had had my goodbye fun with Mr Passionate. One night we were chatting and he went quiet (he had said he was tired) I don’t know why but I left him a message with my mobile number. He didn’t use it. But a few days later we were chatting and I tried to persuade him to describe himself to me that when I received the cock picture on my phone. Later followed by a head and shoulder picture of him. Over the last few weeks we have chatted often although not every day on msn. He went abroad again and I missed him. I text to ask when he was back. He had come back that day. Since then the hot text have been going back and forth. Following Friday’s hot and horny post (which was really Thursday) we exchanged more text on Friday. I had more or less decided that I want to have a final fling by meeting Sammy. This morning I text him and we have agreed that we both want to meet, we both know it can’t be more than just this one meeting for hot passionate sex.

Well I can’t argue with logic like that can I? will look forward to enjoying your body and mind!!! Definitely would love to lay down next to you ;-)
He tells me that he is always horny thinking about me.

For example I am at my desk a work my legs wide imagining you under my desk stroking my skin licking and sucking me in secret. It’s making me very hard.

While I am waiting at the check out to pay for my weekly shop I get this

Have I ever told you. You are a very horny woman very sensual and sexy. You also have a very dirty mind and that’s not a bad thing either ;-)

Now we just need to work out when we are going to arrange this. I am hoping that it will be either next weekend or the weekend after.

hot and horny

It’s quiet with just the soft murmur of my radio playing in the corner of the room. I have been trying to do some work on my computer as I sit perched at the end of my bed. I had earlier chatted to him, the one I had wanted to give my heart to. We are friends again now. I catch the words of a song drifting across the room……. I took a chance on loving you……..yes that’s what I did……….

If you’re a piece of wood I’d nail you to the floor
If you’re a house I would live in you all my days
If you’re a river I would swim you,


Yes this was how I felt until those words he used to crumple my dreams. Suddenly I am tired and lean back on my bed eyes closed for a few minutes.

I am shocked awake as my phone bleeps with the arrival of a text. Instinctively I know who it is.

Good morning, a question for you. If you suddenly thought of my tongue working its magic on your pussy right now would your juices start to flow?

How did you know? I shift slightly as I feel the heat spreading

So if I was under you licking and sucking your pussy you would be very wet. Well maybe you should stop thinking about me doing it then. Did I say my cock is hard?

You did now mmmmm

I am leaning back now hand inside my thong gently touching where I want him to be touching.

You shouldn’t keep thinking about me enjoying your body when you are working. Still try not to think about my throbbing shaft while eating your sausage at lunch x

The text messages keep arriving, I let him know I am at home now laying semi naked on my bed letting my fingers play among the soft wet folds of my lips.

Mmmm wonderful you can have a play. Oh imagine how it would be if I was there laying with you now!

Mmmm sounds heavenly. Very wet now imagining I have a tongue to die for lapping up my love juice while I give my attention to your hard cock.

More messages as my fingers delve deep inside me now as I get wetter and wetter with my desire for his body here with me, feet up on the corner of the bed knees pointing up towards the ceiling my hips thrusting up as my fingers find just the right spot. The ability to breathe escapes me as I feel the shudder of my first orgasm wrack my trembling body. Deep breaths, calm myself before continuing this very unexpected exchange.

Well it’s nice to have made you feel hot and horny ;-) even better if I made you orgasm too. You really are one hell of a sexy woman ;-)

The words of another song are drifting from my radio

Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh yes it’s the things you do to me but how can this be we have never even met and I don’t know if we ever will. You have never sent me any hot text messages before so why now.


We both know that there is no future for us but for now this is what we both want.

Later, much later, I text him

I had a very hot and horny experience today. did you do anything memorable?

I did something amazing today. I made a very sexy woman very hot, very horny and very wet. I also gave a gorgeous lady a huge orgasm and all without touching ;-) x

HNT especially for Freddy

Freddy has requested a half naked thursday from me so Freddy I hope this will do

thank you for your wishes I am indeed in better health now than a week ago, I would say that what ailed me was flu more than chill, but as I say all is now back to normal.

really weird

I have two days off work now

I had planned to see Mr Passionate in the middle of the day for one last time.

I had agreed to see Oxo in the evening so he can take a look at my pc (we have no sound) then he was planning to fight his way into my cervix. He has a variety of plans to try to make my cervix big enough to take more of him in. (I'm not so sure this is a such a good idea). we have great sex anyway but he still feels aggreived that he can't get much of his length inside my cervix.

Mr Passionate has text to say he can't make it as he has to look after his wife who was in a car accident a couple of days ago. Damn that means I either have to make other arrangements to see him or else tell him by email or text that I am giving him up. He already knows I am giving up having FwBs. I think he believes that I will find it very hard to give him up, which it is.

So I figure I shall go to the gym instead.

tonight after my writing class I found a text from Oxo calling off thursday night, he has to go to work on friday after all (so our plans of a lazy friday morning in bed are scuppered). Which is ok as my mum called earlier asking me to go with her to look at another home for my grandad (hes declining rapidly and can't stay where he is much longer).

Oh and incidentaly I forgot to say the original reason for taking these days off were that last winter I won a make over for myself and a friend at a studio in covent garden. I decided to take my mum as she needed something to look forward to. we have posponed this so many times they must think we will never get there. This should be this friday and suprise suprise I ahve to cancel again!

I was reading the comments earlier on my blog about forest being dangerous for me as I am not able to fuck like a man (without emotion involved). I was going to reply that it is hardly an issue as I have not seen hide nor hair of him since last tuesday. So naturally as soon as I log onto msn after my writing class he is the first person I see online. Soon we are chatting. I mention that I have 2 days off work. I decide to see what he will say. he asks me what I am doing. I tell him that my plans to see Mr Passionate have fallen through. He sympathises nothing more. Am I pleased or disappointed, possibly both but mostly pleased as I didn't want to be put in the position of having to decide whether to let him see me again or not.

whilst we are chatting #3 son phones asking for a lift home from the city. He ahd gone with a friend to see #1son's band playing at a venue in the city. It was arranged that #3 son would get a lift home with his friend's dad. when the time came to leave #3 son wanted to stay for one more song so his friend left without him. He made his way to the station to find there were no more trains tonight. Apparently there is a reason why he couldn't get a lift home with his big brother!!! any way I go get some more petrol and set off. Finally I find my son and we are travelling through the city when I cant believe my ears. Each night a romantic dinner for two is awarded to someone who has written in to the show. when I heard the name of tonight's winner there was no way it could be anyone else, the surname is so unusual and it was the right city (not the one I was driving through). tonight's winner was Jasper (GB)'s wife, they then played her favourite song which I even found myself singing along to how weird did that feel.

Last night when Sammy was going to bed he said he would chat again in a few days, so I had no expectation of chatting to him tonight. However I was suprised to receive a couple of very hot text from him (he doesn't often text). I am hoping to spend a day/night in Essex with him in the near future (my final fling).

busy little bee

I came online to write up my homework for tomorrow

I still have not done that

I finally made a decision about the book that I shall be trying to write

I now know what it will be about, where it starts, how far back it will go, the format and where it will be going and most important who the main character is

I have chatted online, by email, by phone and by text

Sammy has returned from a trip to Spain so it was nice to talk to him

Oxo is going to have a look at my pc on thursday to see if he can rectify the missing sound (he has some other plans too)

Having chatted to Sammy and Oxo I was somewhat suprised to find myself chatting to Fireman Sam as he winds down after a busy shift

I have told him that I am giving up the FWB lifestyle

He wants me one more time first before I do

I am going to tell Mr Passionate when I see him that this is the last time.

Its odd but I have been feeling semi lonely in the last week but out of all the men in my life the one I have wnated to be with is the one I have not met. I chatted to forest and Neptune but it was Sammy I wanted to chat to most.

which English speaking country are you

You Belong in the UK

Blimey!A little proper, a little saucy.You're so witty and charming...No one notices your curry breath

What English Speaking Country Are You?

my celebrity look alikes

I pinched this idea from CASDOK



again this is only for 24 hours

24 hours only

today is my ex mother in law's birthday I have been told to take a picture of the four boys together. this is no easy feat as there is always one missing. however today we had half an hour to do this before eldest goes off to band practice.

my beautiful boys #3 #2 #4 #1

spitting nails!!!

A few weeks ago delightful Prada Pixie invited some of her blogger friends to a christmas party as her place. Lovely Vi suggested saturday 1st December which was agreed by Pixie and several others. Now I have a problem, I would love to go, I have become friends with Pixie, we give each other support by email and telephone. But 1st December is my youngest son's birthday. So a few weeks ago I began to negotiate with him. every year he wants a party but it has not often been possible. I have said that if he doesn't make a fuss and allows me the opportunity to go to this party which would involve an overnight stay, he gets to have a party. I have said he can have a party on the friday or even the sunday, I would be home with him until mid afternoon on saturday and be back on sunday. He is not happy. Now my yongest son is not a small child he will be 12 going on 17.

At the beginning of the week SF came on the phone to talk to me about the kids. I mentioned to him that I want to arrange a party for youngest and was considering asking if we could do a joint party with his new best friend who he goes home from school with most days. This boy NBF was born on the same day and youngest first met him last year as SF is friends with the family (I don't know them at all). Grudgingly I told SF that I had been invited to a party that night and wanted to go but also wanted to make sure youngest has a good birthday.

A few days ago youngest came home from NBF's, SF had spoken to the family and they have agreed that a joint party will be arranged SF and NBF's family will pay half each (even better I'm thinking). Laser quest at the same place I went to here. for 10 kids that will be £100!!! now I'm thinking that is way too much to spend on a party. Yesterday youngest said he doesnt really want to do laser quest he wants to do crazy golf. Ok I can go with that ...take a few kids to crazy golf then macdonalds or somewhere like that. Only problem is ...............will we find a crazy golf that is open at that time of year?

Anyway I am chatting with youngest about various things. He mentions that SF has said now hes having a party mummy can go to her party. Shock horror SF is doing this for me. Youngest says he still doesn't really want me to go but he will let me. But that SF thinks I am being selfish not being there on the night of his birthday. Now this is where I start spitting nails!!!

How can he say such a thing.........this is the man who when the boys were young he never once saw any of the boys on their birthdays. Once or twice he was away working, but mostly he would finish work and go straight to the pub not returning home until they were in bed asleep. He was never around for any of the birthday parties I had at the house, most of the parties they had at different venues he wasn't around. I can think of 2 birthdays he did. when youngest was 2 months old we had a party for eldest at an indoor soccer venue. then about 4 years ago he took a group of boys bowling whilst I was at work (it was his turn to have half term leave).

Having just worked out that between them our boys will have had 63 birthdays of which I have missed none he has missed most and he thinks I am selfish to want to miss part of my son's birthday. I shall be there when he opens his presents I shall be there until mid afternoon. I shall give him a birthday lunch in place of dinner (they get to choose whatever they want for this meal). He will have his birthday cake. the only thing I wont be here to do is tuck him up in bed which I don't do anymore anyway.

fountain of pleasure

Its all arranged we are meeting for a drink but a room is booked for later. I have just finished work and changed into my black mini skirt and stockings and strappy red top. I have never been to this pub and adjoining hotel before but I know where it is just 5 minutes or so from where I work. It has been one of those rare hot sunny days that we have not seen much of this summer. I miss the turning and have to turn around. As I pull into the complex I see him walking towards me. I park my car and walk back towards him. We kiss briefly as he offers a drink in the bar or tea in the room. we chat amiably as we climb the stairs just as we have done on and off over the many months. He leads me into the room and I make myself comfortable in the chair by the open window with a soft breeze rustling the lush green leaves that I could almost touch if I tried. There are people chatting in the car park below, a groundsman goes about his work strimming and mowing.

The kettle boils and he makes us both a nice cup of tea before siting down again in the other chair facing me. we talk of various experiences we have had through this website, not that I still use it. once our cups have been drained he moves over to the bed asking me if I would like to join him. We kiss, he fondles my breasts, in no time at all I am completely naked from the waist upwards. he pushes me back on the bed his face nuzzling between my thighs as he kisses his way up to my labia where he begins to lick. soon my skirt and the bed beneath me are soaked as he makes me cum over and over again.

I remove my skirt draping it over the back of the chair by the window in the hope the breeze will dry it out a little. we roll together into the middle of the high, comfortable bed kissing fondling, sucking and finally fucking. together we decide to try something that neither of us have done before. getting up I go to the chair he had sat on before, kneeling on the seat holding onto the chair back as he pushes into me from behind. I find myself staring right into the mirror which I hadn't noticed before but now can not avoid as it is only inches from my face. I see my breasts swinging in rhythm as he pumps into me. this is a new experience for me to see my flesh wobble and swing about uncontrolled during a sweet but sweaty coupling with a friend wih benefits.

It doesn't matter so much what it looks like but that it feels good. we are friends and we are both enjoying ourselves without any emotional involvment. But I know that my days of doing this are coming to an end. It isn't what I want anymore. We are back on the bed reclining amongst the soft pillows chatting as I continue to stroke and tease his penis. Its a comfortable atmosphere no expectations just fun. we chat about alsorts of things, he tells me what I need is a slave. A man who is happy to do my chores, often whilst naked (not while my kids are around!!) maybe even wearing a collar and lead. He would be mine to order about as I pleased and I wouldnt eve have to have sex with him if I didn't want that. Hmmm now theres an idea.

Eventually it is time for us both to get home to our own children. We dress say our goodbyes and walk out of the door before going our seperate ways to our own cars. A few days ago he text me asking if I would like to meet up again for sex. my reply


I'm still unsure what I want..............part of me says yes go for it girl but a bigger part says if I do it will come back and bite me later.........please don't take that personnally

now if he had said he wanted to be my slave!!!

lessons not learnt

when first we met I thought you were a dream come true. you put your arm across my shoulder and kissed me as we stood at the bar ordering our first drinks. finding a table in a quiet corner we chatted. You pulled me close and kissed me again. the pub was filling up with youngsters loud and boisterous. we walked through the town to another pub. we found a table by the window. As we continued chatting and kissing I spotted a friend of my husband's watching us. I didn't care. You were everything I had hoped for. You said you would like me to be your girlfriend. By the end of the evening I was practically sitting in your lap. All too soon it was time to get you back to the station to catch the last train home. During the next week we plotted and planned what we would do at the weekend. we both searched the net for a b&b for you to stay at. we had a good time that following weekend. soon I was making regular trips to visit you at your flat. We became lovers, you were my first new lover for 20 years. I could spend hours listening to you talk, especially about your passions (your son and your favourite music). I melted when you touched me but when you kissed me I just wanted to be one with you. That feeling was so good. I hadn't realised anyone could make me feel like that. As the weeks went by you would try to prove to me that I meant more to you than just sex. Now I know that, that is all I was to you, sex !! otherwise you would not have gone off and met another woman within weeks. I now know that I was stupid to let you keep coming back to me every few weeks when you were fed up with her. If it was me you really wanted which you always said I was.........you would not have kept going off with her.

I thought you had taught me a lesson..............not to give away my heart too easily, I now know that I had not learnt that lesson so well as I did it again this year.

aching

submerging into the soft white bubbles
the warm water feels so good
but before long the unyeilding hardness
becomes too much for these aching limbs to bear.
Standing now under the cascade of hot water
massaging the shampoo into my hair
knowing that these trembling legs
won't be able to stand for long
wrapping the soft creammy towel
around my wet flesh
crawling back to my bed
where my pillow feels like concrete
to my tender face
my bruised and battered bones feeling
every lump and bump in the mattress
if only a deep sleep would come
but each time I drift off it is to thoughts
of titles for stories or for part numbers
that are a large part of my working day
my glands seemingly like peach stones
painfully keeping sleep at bay
at least now the general ache in my
arms and legs has lessened
but still my hips and upper thighs
take on the agony of a good kicking
still maybe soon I shall find
relief in a deep slumber

suddenly

suddenly I find we are chatting for hours at a time
suddenly he wants to chat to me every day
I do not seek him out
I make it clear I am chatting to others at the same time
I do not flirt
I do not encourage
he does not leave until after
I have said goodbye


suddenly he is not chatting
we were in contact virtually every day
sometimes for hours
I thought he lost interest
but suddenly there he was chatting unexpectedly
a quick chat just before work
again not expected
now no word for about a week

suddenly he says hi
we go for a couple of weeks in silence
then there he is chatting
I know he will request
a visit from me his lover
he was too busy when I needed him
I tell him I am busy editing my story
he tells me to hurry
I tell him tomorrow will be
a long and tiring day
he is gone not even a goodnight

I am woken by his reply
an email saying to see him I want
he will see if he is available
a smile and a twinkle in my eye
on him I can count
we don't need constant contact
can pick up where we left off
he knows me and my desires
he can fuck me so well



update

within minutes of posting this I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. when I returned to my room Neptune had been online trying to say hello until he gave up realising I was not at my computer. so he is still around.

tonight as I was at the end of my writing class I got a text from Oxo wanting to see me tonight. I have not replied I am not well. I have a fever and ache all over. At first I thought I had over done it at the gym but no I had cut my session short as I wasn't feeling too great. I tried to sleep when I got home until it was time to go to my class. It was a real struggle to force myself to leave my bed. I sat in my class feeling really bad, I remembered the sneezing fits and sore throat when I was at work. It was pure torture to sit in that class for 2 hours when I just wanted to curl up in my bed. When I got home I shooed the kids out of my room. (we are currently down to one computer which is the one in my room). Dosed myself up and pulled my duvet up over my head. Now I am very hot even though there has been no heating on since 4.30pm my glands are up on my neck and I feel crap. I have to wait another hour before I can take any more pain killers. I will explain to Oxo tomorrow why I didn't reply, tonight he would have thought I was making excuses.
strange, as I am writing this I saw Neptune sign in but he hasn't stopped to say hi !

Oh well...................... these men they are such strange creatures!!

constructive critisisms

Thank you to everyone who has given me their constructive comments on my homework. I have made some changes but rather than posting the new version on here..........I don't really want two versions of the same story on the same page I shall post it over on Kindred. Perhaps at a later stage I shall create a new blog altogether for my stories.

evil man !!

today I went back to the gym.....I hadn't been since thursday. I had intended to go on saturday but was too ill with my headache. I was feeling better yesterday and did think about going but decided it was probably best to leave it until today. This was not a case of putting off today what I can leave until tomorrow. I knew I would be put through my paces today so thought it best to save myself until then.

3.30pm was the time of my appointment..........I left work a little later than normal and arrived at 3.20pm I told the girl on reception that I was meeting PT. once I was changed into my shorts t-shirt and trainers I wandered out of the changingroom deciding that as the small gym was empty I would just hop onto the weighing scales before making my way back downstairs. there was PT wandering around moving equipment I asked if he was my PT it turned out that he was. we sat on the black leather sofas discussing what I want to achieve. we started with some cardio excercise on the treadmill.......I thought I had been working quite hard on there upping the speed and incline each time. But PT made me work even harder. he kept producing this sheet with levels of fair, fairly hard, quite hard, hard and very hard. (keep your minds out of the gutter this is serious). he kept changing the speed and asking if it was quite hard or hard. after 6 minutes of quite hard I had to do 2 minutes of hard followed by 2 minutes of fairly hard repeating this until I had done a total of 18 minutes next it was downstairs to the bigger gym.....lots more people in there.

he got me to climb onto a cycle machine bt he had to lower the seat as it was far to high for my short legs. again that flippin sheet of varying hardness. Now its five mintes of quite hard followed by 5 minutes of 20 seconds hard 10 easy 20 hard 10 easy. By now I could feel the drips sliding down the side of my face. He said I must be working hard as I wasn't chatting very much anymore. next he led me back upstairs only I didn't notice that there was a step down before the stairs. I stepped down further than I expected and almost fell over but managed to keep on my unsteady feet. back in the small gym there was no one else there. floor excercises next.

oh he is so evil.
he had me lying on my back feet a few inches apart. buttocks clenched hips raised keep clenching and hold steady.....this was hard for me then I couldn't believe he even expected me to lift one leg and hold it out straight and hold for 10 seconds. flip that I could barely hold my position with both feet on the floor. Ouch this really hurt.....but give him his due he got me to do it and hen repeat 3 times on each leg.....it actually got easier each time.
but the next excercise was a cinch.......lying on my back feet inches apart hips raised buttocks clenched hold for count of 10 then slowly down repeat 10 times......I didn't tell him this was very similar to something I practice a lot but not usually on my own ;-)

next he had me on all fours (now now ) but then going down onto my elbows and moving my knees back and my hips forward so that I was just inches from the floor, well with my stomach it was almost on the floor. drawing my stomach muscles into my spine hold position to count of 20 and repeat 10 times. once was enough!!!

as if he hadn't done enough it was now lie on your side knees stacked feet stacked lift hips off ground and hold position.....hes mad...how in hell does he expect me to lift my bulk off the floor without using my arms to push up. but I managed it and repeated 3 times on each side or was it 5 times on each side. now I cant remember what eveil he had for me next.

perhaps it was the ball. the purple one was too big for me I couldn't sit on it with my feet flat on the floor so I have to remember its the green ball for me. he wants me to do crunchies oh good but is chocolate a good idea.....no not crunchies, crunches. right sit straight and let feet walk forward as my body moves down the ball then hands on temple.......is this so I can check pulse? move ribcage towards hips...what the fuck does he mean ? ah right sit ups folding inthe middle I get it now.......the more I do the better I get at it yippeee I did it right eventually. next he wants me to lay across the ball face down.....does he realise how much of me there is in the front.
ok so I have my feet against the wall and I'm in position now I have to lift my torso up but keep my chin tucked in. I was doing well until I was reminded about my chin.

we finish off with another excercise with me sitting on the green ball but holding another smaller heavier ball above one shoulder briging it down at an angle to the side of my other knee as though chopping wood. Boy did that ball get heavier by the time we were finished. oh an while we were working who should come in but the eye candy from the other day, they spoke to each other about a social event they had been too. Apparently eye candy is also a member of staff at the gym so I shall probably see more of him.

anyway my PT was so evil he twisted my arm until I submitted to his request he takes me through this all over again next monday!! he is going to think up some more evil to torture me with and next week i get diagrams too!!!

I can't wait lol

happy birthday

I am late I have been remiss. I have not been a very good friend so just to make up for missing your day.





HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR YESTERDAY WAYNECOFF

forest

whilst I was chatting online to a couple of bloggers this evening I noticed that Forest signed in. I didn't feel that missed heart beat that I used to feel when I saw his name pop up. I didn't feel anything more than a slight curiousity as to whether he would say anything. I wasn't going to say anything first but if he had I would have been polite. I'm not sure how long he was online maybe 20 minutes, I wonder if he was talking to someone else or was he seeing if I would chat. I hadn't been online for long when he had appeared. we have not had any contact since a few days after everything blew up in my face.
Yes charlie in a way you are right I did wrap up my heart and send it to him. I am a very giving person and I wanted to give him my heart so i did. this is not something I do lightly nor do I give my heart away so readily to every man I meet. maybe I shouldn't say that he stole my heart more that he captured it. He laid out the bait and I took it hook line and sinker only he didnt want to keep me he just wanted the fun of reeling me in then tossing me back in until the next time he wanted some sport.
So for the first time in almost 2 weeks I saw his name pop up on my screen and it had very little effect on me. no sharp intake of breath, no missed heart beat, no raise in temperature, no rush to say hi, just carried on chatting to my friends didn't even see when he signed out.

update

this morning Forest was online when I logged on. he began chatting to me. It was fine we chatted like we used to when we were friends.

homework

my first homework for the creative writing group is to write a story. the inspiration being froma picture of a man stood alone on a rocky out crop, all the picture shows is the man on the rock and grey clouds above him. here is my version of the events revolving aroud this picture.

Finlay Keen

Breathing deeply, calming himself down as much as he could Finlay Keen searched the middle distance. If he has timed it right the train will appear to the right and make its way rattling along the tracks before finally disappearing on his far left. As he waited he surveyed the scene below him. Thousands upon thousands of rooftops nestled amongst the trees just like one of those plastic scenes with his father’s toy train set which had been set up in the attic at gran and grandad’s when he was a boy thirty years ago. The city looked uninviting on this dismal grey September day. The only colour, being the green of the trees with a slight tinge of red or gold here and there as the leaves begin to turn a little earlier than usual this year. The blue on the side of the college building that marked where the rail track runs along this side of the motorway.

Finlay shuffles his feet and wraps his arms around his body to keep warm, his beige cotton slacks and crisp pale blue shirt no match for the biting wind. He didn’t have his coat with him as he hadn’t wanted to arouse her suspicions as they set off for the station in his maroon Suzuki Vitara. Both of them silent, on this journey into town from his quiet village. From now it would be just him and his doting Jack Russell, Cody. Finlay longs to be on that train with her, his Lizzie, but she would’t be his Lizzie any more. She will revert to being Mrs Elizabeth Robinson, senior accountant at the firm they both work for. There were to be no more monthly visits to the Southampton branch. Was it really over two years since Finlay had been introduced to his colleague who would be travelling down from the London office for the first week of each month. Finlay had been charged with the duty of showing the prissy Mrs Robinson the city. At first he had hated this, didn’t think he would get on with her and her accountant’s head. That first night he had taken her for dinner and she had fussed over the bill. But he had to admit she had been right they were taking advantage. Gradually over that first week Finlay had noticed Mrs R begin to thaw. Then as they stood on Southampton station for her return to her home in Bedfordshire, she had squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek.

By the time Mrs R returned to Southampton a month later Finlay had found that she had been in his thoughts a lot. He had begun to spend time with her because he wanted to. He learned that she was married to David who she adored and they had two boys Marcus 9 and William 6 years old. They lived in a place called Houghton Regis not far from Dunstable from where she commuted daily to the London office and now for a week each month here at his office. Soon Finlay had dropped the Mrs R and was calling her Lizzie. At first Lizzie had giggled when he used that name when they were alone. David always called her Liz.

One night they had been out for dinner in a country pub not far from Swanmore, he had kissed her as they walked back to his car. Her response was so gentle Finlay had melted right there. Once they were belted up he had asked her if she would like a night cap at his cottage before he took her back to the hotel. Speechless for a moment Lizzie had nodded. He hadn’t taken her back to the hotel that night, he had taken her to his queen sized bed instead. The following night he had stayed with Lizzie at the hotel. From the next month Lizzie had not gone back to the hotel but stayed at Finlay’s place for those glorious five nights each time she was down from the big smoke.

Finlay stamped his feet as he surveyed the bleak scene he was so far up here that he couldn’t hear the sound of the train as it rattled along or the vehicles as they rushed along the motorway as it snaked cross past Port Solent with its expensive flats and boats moored up along the jetty. Past Hilsea and Cosham then along the edge of Farlington and out past the still waters of Langstone harbour until it was out of sight. The water is a cold steel grey today reflecting the overcast sky, heavy and oppressive to match his heart.

He had lain awake for ages this morning watching the soft curve of Lizzie’s breast as she breathed, still in her haven of sleep. Softly he had blow on a shiny brown curl framing her sweet face. How he had loved waking next to this lovely woman for five glorious mornings each month. He was going to miss her more than he could allow himself to admit, well he had admitted it to himself but never to his Lizzie. Cody would miss her too. But Finlay was only too well aware that as much as Lizzie loved him she loved David and their boys more. Once David had met Lizzie from Dunstable in 3 ½ hours she would become Mrs Liz Robinson, never again to be his sweet Lizzie.

All these months of sitting across from her at management meetings, quietly admiring her professionalism, whilst at the same time visualising her as she had dressed that morning in her silk and lace undies now covered by her smart business suit. All those months of sweaty bodies gliding together as they made love in his huge comfortable bed or on the living room rug, once even on the dinning table amongst the debris of their meal. The showers they had taken soaping each other sliding together under the hot cascade of water. The evening walks holding hands as Cody raced ahead across the fields after some imagined friend. The meals shared making a welcome change to the lonely meals eaten when she wasn’t here.

Finlay’s heart misses a beat as the train comes into view. He had done his homework found out when the train would reach Portchester so that he could drop Lizzie off at Fareham station early enough to give him time to get up here to this view point. Binoculars at the ready Finlay searches the carriages for that last glimpse of his love as she travels away from him for the last time. For two years he had stood on the platform with her until that very last minute when he had to let her go as the train was about to leave. Not wanting to lose a precious second of her nearness, the waft of her perfume, the scent of her freshly shampooed hair. He would miss the smell of raspberries in his bathroom. Vanilla body spray in the bedroom. He had taken to lighting vanilla candles when she was not there. Maybe he would have to stop this practice but not yet, he would continue with the candles for a while longer. Perhaps this would not be a healthy practice but then neither was falling in love with a married woman.

Finlay isn’t quite sure but he thinks he can see her arm resting on the small table by the window at the end of the last carriage. He had watched her with sadness in his eyes, reflecting back at him from her own sad eyes, as she had pulled on her frothy lace high legs and matching bra. Rolling first one then the other of her sleek tan hold ups over her feet, knees enveloping her pale thighs, before stepping into her smart chocolate brown skirt, that fell in soft folds down to her mid calf. Slowly buttoning her cream silk blouse that felt so sensuous to the touch of his fingers, before donning the soft brown jacket that made her outfit complete. He had watched her applying her make up whilst her skin was still enveloped in the softness of her pale pink fleece robe. Dark brown mascara making her almond shaped eyes appear even more sexy than when they are naked of all that goo. The bronze of her eye shadow matching the hint of blusher on her cheeks. The whole effect would later be completed with a touch of chocolate brown lipstick. Lizzie was always so careful to ensure her makeup matched her clothes. All that was left was for her to step into her brown suede shoes with those 3 “heels that made her looks so much taller than her 5’2” of pure woman.

For the first time ever Finlay had lied to her, he felt sorry for that, in a way he felt guilt for deceiving her, but this time he couldn’t bear to stand on the platform with her as she waited to be carried back to London then onwards to Dunstable and home with Him. Before he had always known that in a few weeks she would be back here. She would be his Lizzie again. But this time was different. This time he told her he had an important appointment that he couldn’t miss. He was sorry but it meant he could be there with her, he had time to drop her at the station door, he kissed her goodbye, retrieved her cases from the boot of his car then drove off with a quick wave of the hand before she could see the tears in his eyes. It had seemed to him as he drove across town that everything was against him. The flow of traffic at each roundabout slowed him down, the traffic lights seemed to take for ever to change then he was stuck at road works as he crossed the hill to his chosen view point. But he had made it with a couple of minutes to spare. But the train must have been late as he felt he had been stood here waiting for hours not 3 minutes. The chill air was making him shiver now.

Finlay watched as the train swished out f view taking Lizzie out of his life forever. With a heavy heart he turned and made his way back to his car, sitting there for an age before he felt strong enough to reverse her out of the parking bay and make his way along the country lanes back to his empty cottage where Cody would be waiting for him.

Finlay tried not to think about Lizzie starting her new life in New Zealand with her family in few weeks time. David had an opportunity to work there for 3 years and was moving his family there, taking Lizzie away from her work and more importantly from Finlay.



I would welcome any comments on this please be gentle but honest ;-)