am I pregnant?

I was going to comment on Bittersweet and her post missing signals but think my comment would be too long so I have decided to do my own post.

Bittersweet (I am sorry but I just find it difficult to refer to someone as me who isn't me) asks the question : Do you have those months when you think you may, really, actually, be pregnant this time? (clearly not, if you are a man, but stick with me here)

My answer is yes I did. Not now obviously as there is no way in this world I can get pregnant. Most people would imagine that as I have four lovely sons I must have been very fertile especially as I rarely had sex and seemed to get pregnant nearly every time we did. However the truth is that I am very lucky to have any children at all. I lost one baby exacty a year before I fell pregnant with #1. My life would have been completely different if I had not lost this baby. This baby was with the man I was in love with (the married man who was forever leaving his much older wife for me then going back each time she tried to kill herself). I know now that it wasn't me he wanted, it was another baby. His first wife wouldn't allow him to see his daughter. His step daughters were grown up with children of their own. When I became pregnant he was going to decorate their flat for her then leave her to be with me and our baby, but that changed when I lost the baby. It was because of the hurt I felt over this man that I opted to marry a man I did not love. anyway I digress.

I hadn't known SF very long when I found I was pregnant again, he wanted me to get rid of the baby but I just couldn't. It wasn't until #1 was actually born that I knew whether SF would stay with me. Even though #1 was the image of his father as a baby, SF still insisted that #1 was another man's baby. Then we decided after 2 years to have a second baby (I was having a girl this time then my family would be complete). I was convinced I was expecting, had no period, had various other symptoms, yep I must be pregnant. took a test, negative, few weeks later still no period another test still negative. then I flooded I convinced myself that it was a miscarriage and was taken into hospital. I was home the next day after a scan showed there had been nothing there. A few months later I believed I was pregnant, but again the test was negative. We were actively trying for this baby so we were having regular sex, it took 10 months before finally I did fall pregnant. we had #2 another boy by c section.

I was told not to fall pregnant again for at least a year. No problem as I wasn't intending to have any more babies even though I hadn't got my girl. By this time sex was not happening very often we talked about it quite a bit both agreeing that it wasn't needed we were not bothered about it. But for those occasions when we did we had condoms and I was on the mini pill. After about six months I had a few days of feeling pregnant but the symptoms went away. I figured it was stess I was on a diet we moved house and had decided to get married I was also doing a correspondence course in accountancy. All this and being mum to a baby and a toddler now 3yrs old. various symptoms came and went I ignored them. We got married and a few days later I nearly passed out. SF thought I must be pregnant as I suffer low blood pressure during pregnancy. I went to my Dr who told me to treat myself as pregnant until the test results came back. a week later it was confirmed I was pregnant. must be 7 weeks as that was last time we had had sex. 2 weeks later I felt the baby moving, scan showed I was 4 months pregnant. (I told my mother in law that her son's mates had let me down.....I dont think she got the joke) I was terrified.

After #3 son was born (c section again) I had the contraceptive injections. I began to have side effects after awhile so these were stopped. we still didn't have sex very often but even so I still kept feeling pregnant. I kept a record on my callendar of when I had my periods, 30 days became 40 then 50 then 60 by the time I had gone 120 days with no period and been suffering various symptoms on and off I had already had several pregnancy tests. All negative I don't now remember how long I went before finally I had a period. then began series of periods that were very irregular I could go anything from 10 days to a hundred days between periods.I was sent to see my gynae consultant and tests were done. I had a problem with my ovaries. they didn't work properly (polysistic something disease of the ovaries) I was found to have less density in my bones than I should have had due to the lack of oestrogen during all those months over the years when I wasn't ovulating. Apparently most women who have this disease have trouble conceiving. I was very lucky to have had one child let alone three.

It wasn't long after this that my father died suddenly a month after his 55th birthday. 2 months later I was pregnant and the baby was due on my dad's birthday. I figured that this baby was meant to be and my dad had sent him to me. I was sterilised whilst in theatre having #4 my body would not have coped with any more pregnancies (mine were all big babies) and at least I could stop thinking I was pregnant when I wasn't.

So to Bittersweet I say yes I do know what it is like to have those months when you feel pregnant. I also know what its like to be pregnant and not realise it.