Wednesday 16 May 2007

Paranoid

I have a tendency to get paranoid.

If I am driving,I start to get paranoid when the car behind me takes the same turnings as me more than once. The longer it goes on the worse my imagination gets. Sometimes I think I am being followed because I abscent mindedly did something wrong in my driving. Other times I think its my ex husband having me followed. All stupid and I get such a feeling of relief when the other vehicle goes a different way or on the motorway goes past me. when I was travelling to Blah there was a recovery vehicle that pulled out everytime I did, then pulled in again everytime I did until eventually they overtook me. This must have gone on for all of 5 minutes but felt more like an hour.

today I feel sad, today I feel unloved, today I feel there must be something wrong with me. I know it is me being paranoid again. Why do I feel like this. 24hrs ago I was happy. 24hrs ago I was in the arms of a man who has made me happy even when I have felt ill for the past 10 days. (Dr says its viral and may take another 2 weeks before I am feeling better). Since leaving my side this man who has made me happy, has barely managed to do more than send a text telling me that sleep is good for me. I know I am being impatient. He has work, family and others in his life. I am not his top priority. I had got used to the sleep well text each night and the how are you this morning text. What has happened to those?

It now seems that maybe I should just shut myself off. recently I had an encounter with another man who just cut himself off after. different situation, different man, different feelings, different hopes. Same result........... thin air.....ok not quite thin air

I have been getting too introspective, looking for reasons where perhaps there are none. Is it me? is it my home (I know I have not touched it while im ill). Did I say something? did I not say something I should have done? Did I let things go too far, or not far enough? Maybe I should have left things as they were. I was happy with our friendship as it was.

why has this happened recently, even Oxo has taken 2 weeks to make any contact with me since we last met. There is one man I can rely on but its probably best I dont invite him round until I am better. right now Mr Passionate would break me in two.

5 comments:

Ordinary Girl said...

Honey, (and please don't take this the wrong way, I really don't want to upset you more), perhaps it's because you are so willing to be an side order rather than the main course? You are seemingly "happy" to accept other people's families and issues, and in doing so you tell them it's okay to have sex with you and then not have to worry. And you sell yourself short with this. You deserve to be the starter, main course, dessert and wine! Perhaps you should make that clearer to yourself and others around you??

I hope you feel better soon x

Anonymous said...

Regarding texts..... If two people really connect they will find many ways to communicate. If a person can find time to go to the toilet then they can find time to text. If the texts stop flowing then the relationship has isn't flowing either. Tough words I know, but it's best to be honest.

Lady in red said...

OG that is just it I don't want to be the side order anymore. Maybe I hadn't made that clear enough to him. This man is single, I believed he knew me well enough and how my needs have changed. It has taken us 6 months to get to this stage and even then we didn't complete the deal as it were.

oh well his loss

Ordinary Girl said...

I can understand you don't. That is pretty obvious in the way you write. Perhaps he didn't? He is a bloody man after all! Most definitely his loss!!

Sexy Vixen said...

It seems after all that I was just being paranoid.