things are looking up and we are getting it together
I am one happy bunny but not as happy as i am going to be ;-D
What took you so long?
1 year ago
Thursday 31 May 2007
why do i feel betrayed?
I had a text this morning from the lovely man who took me out for a lunchtime drink on tuesday. It seem he has been contacted by SL saying he used to be half of (the couple name we had) now he is playing with Alison. I have chatted to Alison in the past she lives in my town and we were talking about the three of us getting together. I know there were times when we were both chatting to her at once but not together. I have not spoken to her in a few months and not spoken to him much either.
I mentioned to him last week that I wasn't able to get onto our profile he said he hadn't renewed our membership. He was having a break as it was all getting very samey. I didn't mind as I was thinking of having a break myself specially as I have decided to stop NSA.
I don't mind that the two f them have hooked up together but he could have been honest and told me. I told him what I was doing. I feel he has betrayed me.
Anyway when I first made contact with Forest it was to play as two couples. Only he had split from his partner. I know he still wants to try some group sex so maybe I won't feel so bad now about contacting some of the people I have met through this to join us.
update
I left msn messages for both of them, for him I told him that I had heard from someone else that he had now teamed up with Alison, I dont mind but he could have been honest with me last week when we spoke. I have not had any reply. For her I just said that I was glad they had hooked up together and hope it goes well. She has replied saying they have not been together long and hopes I am having lots of fun!!
I mentioned to him last week that I wasn't able to get onto our profile he said he hadn't renewed our membership. He was having a break as it was all getting very samey. I didn't mind as I was thinking of having a break myself specially as I have decided to stop NSA.
I don't mind that the two f them have hooked up together but he could have been honest and told me. I told him what I was doing. I feel he has betrayed me.
Anyway when I first made contact with Forest it was to play as two couples. Only he had split from his partner. I know he still wants to try some group sex so maybe I won't feel so bad now about contacting some of the people I have met through this to join us.
update
I left msn messages for both of them, for him I told him that I had heard from someone else that he had now teamed up with Alison, I dont mind but he could have been honest with me last week when we spoke. I have not had any reply. For her I just said that I was glad they had hooked up together and hope it goes well. She has replied saying they have not been together long and hopes I am having lots of fun!!
SF
what to do ?
In the last few weeks SF has changed. I dont know how long it will last. he has got himself a job which he enjoys, it doesnt pay much but at least he is working and for those hours he is not in the pub. I have begun to receive CSA payments (all of £5 per week for 3 dependant children). Still it will go towards the milk bill. Where he works they allow the staff to buy food which isclose to its end date cheap at the end of each day so he has been bringing us food parcels. Mostly things that are not really an awful lot of good but at least its giving the boys something extra to eat and saves me buying as much. They will soon be sick of southern fried chicken drumsticks!
Anyway he is starting to turn into the kind of father he should be. On tuesday he took #2 son to buy him some new clothes (couple of pairs of jeans and some t-shirts using his discount). He has also promised to take the boys out bowling today. Now my boys have grown up with their father making promises to take them places and do things with them then on the day letting them down. I really couldn't believe it last year when he promised to take them to the pictures during half term but what he did (which I guess was an improvement on his usual total let down) he met them in town then gave them the money to go in without him!
I won't believe he is taking them bowling today until it actually happens. But he has already thrown a spanner in the works. He told #2 that he is also taking his girlfriend's daughter. Now my boys have known this girl for the last 10 years. #3 & #4 are now saying that they wont go if she is there. She is about 21 I would guess now. She has downs syndrome. She is not the only downs syndrome child we know but is by far the worst. My boys are horrified that they are expected to go anywhere with her. I am not sure if I should persuade them to go after all he might not offer again. But what would be the point if they dont enjoy it. Part of me thinks maybe as we are being civil to each other at the moment maybe I should offer to go along with them.
update
he has postponed bowling until tomorrow. me thinks it wont happen!!
In the last few weeks SF has changed. I dont know how long it will last. he has got himself a job which he enjoys, it doesnt pay much but at least he is working and for those hours he is not in the pub. I have begun to receive CSA payments (all of £5 per week for 3 dependant children). Still it will go towards the milk bill. Where he works they allow the staff to buy food which isclose to its end date cheap at the end of each day so he has been bringing us food parcels. Mostly things that are not really an awful lot of good but at least its giving the boys something extra to eat and saves me buying as much. They will soon be sick of southern fried chicken drumsticks!
Anyway he is starting to turn into the kind of father he should be. On tuesday he took #2 son to buy him some new clothes (couple of pairs of jeans and some t-shirts using his discount). He has also promised to take the boys out bowling today. Now my boys have grown up with their father making promises to take them places and do things with them then on the day letting them down. I really couldn't believe it last year when he promised to take them to the pictures during half term but what he did (which I guess was an improvement on his usual total let down) he met them in town then gave them the money to go in without him!
I won't believe he is taking them bowling today until it actually happens. But he has already thrown a spanner in the works. He told #2 that he is also taking his girlfriend's daughter. Now my boys have known this girl for the last 10 years. #3 & #4 are now saying that they wont go if she is there. She is about 21 I would guess now. She has downs syndrome. She is not the only downs syndrome child we know but is by far the worst. My boys are horrified that they are expected to go anywhere with her. I am not sure if I should persuade them to go after all he might not offer again. But what would be the point if they dont enjoy it. Part of me thinks maybe as we are being civil to each other at the moment maybe I should offer to go along with them.
update
he has postponed bowling until tomorrow. me thinks it wont happen!!
Wednesday 30 May 2007
text messages
Last night I exchanged text with Oxo then he phoned me. he wanted me to go to his place for the night but I was already in bed. He kept telling me how sexy my voice is. We have met a few times now. he told me that the only thing wrong with me is that I have kids. We agreed that I would spend the night with him tonight. but as the day has progressed and I was a thinking about it I just knew that this is not what I want.
Since I decided that I no longer want NSA I have been wondering what to do about the lovers I have not yet cut my ties with. I have not been able to make up my mind whether I still want to see Mr Passionate and Oxo. But the more I have thought about it today I have come to the conclusion that even if I was to see Oxo tonight I would not be able to enjoy it as much now as my mind is elsewhere. If my mind is not there and I can't put all of myself into it then it won't be so enjoyable for either of us so there is no point. from now on I feel that I shall just have one lover whether that is Forest or someone else. I have to be true to myself even if whoever I am seeing doesn't mind me seeing others. Luckily Oxo cried off tonight which saved me from having to let him down but I think I am going to have to explain to him how I am feeling.
I have been exchanging text with Forest today, which has cheered me up. Not that we have not been exchanging text most days but it was what he has said that makes me feel better
Since I decided that I no longer want NSA I have been wondering what to do about the lovers I have not yet cut my ties with. I have not been able to make up my mind whether I still want to see Mr Passionate and Oxo. But the more I have thought about it today I have come to the conclusion that even if I was to see Oxo tonight I would not be able to enjoy it as much now as my mind is elsewhere. If my mind is not there and I can't put all of myself into it then it won't be so enjoyable for either of us so there is no point. from now on I feel that I shall just have one lover whether that is Forest or someone else. I have to be true to myself even if whoever I am seeing doesn't mind me seeing others. Luckily Oxo cried off tonight which saved me from having to let him down but I think I am going to have to explain to him how I am feeling.
I have been exchanging text with Forest today, which has cheered me up. Not that we have not been exchanging text most days but it was what he has said that makes me feel better
Tuesday 29 May 2007
Sex Fairy
I seem to have got over my blogging apathy I have lots of ideas for new posts.
But when I checked my email this morning found this which I thoght i would post just as a little light hearted fun.
Sex Fairy!
1. Sex is a beauty treatment.
Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
=============
2 Gentle,
relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat
produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. =============
relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat
produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. =============3. Lovemaking 
can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports
you can take up. It stretches
and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 
20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! 
you can take up. It stretches
and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 
20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! 
=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression
It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria
and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria
and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered.
The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
=============
7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing 
each day will keep the dentist away. 
each day will keep the dentist away. 
Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches
. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose
. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever
.
. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever
. =============
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex.
The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub.
It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 5 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
Monday 28 May 2007
The visit
I really need a snog but as I am at a kids soccer party have settled for a cuppa and my book x x
I press the send button knowing that my text won’t be read until tomorrow night. I read my book resisting the temptation to check my phone, I know it will stay silent.
Later, much later I am online, I have just finished a post on my blog. I see him sign onto msn but before I can think of saying ‘hi’ he has gone again. I’m feeling low. I check my stats on my blog see someone has linked to me from an unknown blog, click on this to take a peek at who it is. Wow this is a very hardcore site much more so than mine. I begin to feel flushed. While I am checking out this site and others linked to it I see one of my admirers keeps signing in. We have not chatted for weeks. I ask him if he is playing yoyo. We chat for a while, he is getting turned on so am I. I run upstairs and throw off my jeans and t-shirt returning downstairs in my mauve satin chemise. We continue to chat as I begin to play with myself as he is wanking at his end of the line. He says he wishes he could see me but I decline to install the webcam. He says that ok we both agree that imagination can be just as good if not better. I am getting quite wet.
Damn the doorbell who the fuck is that at 11.55pm….. must be #3 son who is meant to be sleeping over at a party, coming home early and finding the door locked. I straighten my chemise don’t want teenage son seeing more than he should. I get to the door the security light shows me that the figure outside is too tall to be lanky #3. The bell rings again while I am deciding what to do. Who could it be at this time of night? Cautiously I open the door a crack to see who it is and what they want. Before I can take in who it is I am grabbed and pulled into an embrace. His mouth on mine before I can protest. He uses his superior height and strength to push me back into the hallway as he steps through the door which he closes behind him. I am still in his arms with his mouth glued to mine as I feel him guiding me into the living room and onto my sofa where we sink into the soft folds of gold material.
After an age he disengages and tells me
You wanted a snog! Was that good enough for you?
He slips out of his leather jacket and takes me in his arms again only this time his hand is already inside my chemise finding me wet. Behind my shoulder I can hear my pc going crazy with nudges. But I don’t care. I am more than happy, now I know who my visitor is. But I leave his side to re-lock the front door. Two of my boys are out for the night, the other two went to bed at about 10pm and I have heard nothing from them since. I return to the sofa and my lover. I have missed him so much and it is so good to have him here.
If I was wet before he arrived I am dripping now. My lover has this effect on me. He told me weeks ago that if our first encounter in private was anything to go by if I happened to be sat on him his balls would certainly get a wash as he makes me cum. I adore this sexy man who I have only recently allowed into my real life. His glasses are placed in a safe place away from arms and legs. His t-shirt and jeans soon discarded as is my chemise. My stepper placed by the door to prevent sleepy boys from intruding. Quickly I tell my admirer that I am suddenly sleepy and going to bed. I close down the pc for the night.
Mmmm now to carry on where we left off. I am so turned on by my lover but more so that he has arrived at my door like this. There is no time for chat we cant keep our hands off each other. Our mouths too are busy kissing, licking and sucking. Wow he does things with my nipples I could only dream about before. I am so hungry for this man who is beside me, on me, in me, I don’t think my appetite for him can ever be sated. I just want to devour him so completely. His hands are in my hair, now on my breasts, stroking my inner thigh, feeling inside me. Please don’t stop I want this so much I want to yell out
YES YES YES and Yes, just in case you were not sure YESSSSSSSSSSS
But of course I don’t, there are boys asleep in the room above. Instead I nibble his ear whispering how much I want him. OMG I want him so much, I want him as my friend, my lover, my rock. But more than anything I want him inside me. But he makes me wait. He uses his fingers and tongue to take me to heights that I didn’t know I could reach. I play with his rock hard manhood, Using my hands, my tongue I play with him I taste him, mmmm his cock is so lovely. I want to straddle him, impaling myself on him. But he won’t allow this. He wants us to get as much pleasure as we can before he slips inside me. He wants me, he wants me to want him more than anything. I do yes I do, please let us do this now. But no I must wait, again and again he brings me to incredible orgasm using his tongue and fingers. I suck his cock bringing him to completion as I swallow every drop. We relax into each other’s arms, stroking, smiling, I am so happy I feel I could burst. This time he won’t get away from me before I get to feel his lovely cock inside me. We kiss and cuddle, his hands wandering over my naked skin just as mine are on his. As he pulls me closer to him I feel his fingers probing, they are wet from my juice, he finds my ass and gently inserts a finger, ecstasy, I love this, my hand slips down into his lap to begin stroking, teasing, I love it when I feel his length jerk involuntarily as I tease him. He grows harder and I climb into his lap encouraging him to continue teasing my ass with his finger I slip onto his hard rod. I am now impaled in the most delicious way. The more his finger probes the more I ride his cock, my actions getting wilder as his finger slips deeper and deeper inside me. I clamp my mouth to his to keep me from screaming my pleasure for all to hear. Besides I need to have his tongue deep inside my mouth as my tongue runs around the inside of his mouth feeling his teeth his tongue as it tangles with mine. Deeper I draw him into me now. I must make us so close together that we become one. I need him inside me his hard cock inside my cunt rubbing against my swollen clit as his finger still probes inside my ass rubbing against his cock and his tongue gets sucked deep inside my mouth. I cum all over him time and time again, I feel as though all conscious thought is slipping from me, all I know is that I am in heaven and I don’t want it to stop any time soon. Then I feel it for the first time as he shoots his load deep inside me, he shudders and his face creases into that startled look men sometimes have at the moment of release. I collapse in his lap as we hug, when I am sure the last shuddering is done I ease myself off him as gently as I can. Wrapping my arms around him kissing him oh so softly. I feel a sudden need for sleep, he covers my face with gentle kisses, my forehead, the tip of my nose my eyelids, everywhere finally planting a lingering kiss on my lips. He moves away slipping my chemise back over my head and shoulders he pulls on his own clothes and bids me good night. He must go before my children find us. He must also get back home as his own family will be arriving early
Good night my darling please come again xxxx
I press the send button knowing that my text won’t be read until tomorrow night. I read my book resisting the temptation to check my phone, I know it will stay silent.
Later, much later I am online, I have just finished a post on my blog. I see him sign onto msn but before I can think of saying ‘hi’ he has gone again. I’m feeling low. I check my stats on my blog see someone has linked to me from an unknown blog, click on this to take a peek at who it is. Wow this is a very hardcore site much more so than mine. I begin to feel flushed. While I am checking out this site and others linked to it I see one of my admirers keeps signing in. We have not chatted for weeks. I ask him if he is playing yoyo. We chat for a while, he is getting turned on so am I. I run upstairs and throw off my jeans and t-shirt returning downstairs in my mauve satin chemise. We continue to chat as I begin to play with myself as he is wanking at his end of the line. He says he wishes he could see me but I decline to install the webcam. He says that ok we both agree that imagination can be just as good if not better. I am getting quite wet.
Damn the doorbell who the fuck is that at 11.55pm….. must be #3 son who is meant to be sleeping over at a party, coming home early and finding the door locked. I straighten my chemise don’t want teenage son seeing more than he should. I get to the door the security light shows me that the figure outside is too tall to be lanky #3. The bell rings again while I am deciding what to do. Who could it be at this time of night? Cautiously I open the door a crack to see who it is and what they want. Before I can take in who it is I am grabbed and pulled into an embrace. His mouth on mine before I can protest. He uses his superior height and strength to push me back into the hallway as he steps through the door which he closes behind him. I am still in his arms with his mouth glued to mine as I feel him guiding me into the living room and onto my sofa where we sink into the soft folds of gold material.
After an age he disengages and tells me
You wanted a snog! Was that good enough for you?
He slips out of his leather jacket and takes me in his arms again only this time his hand is already inside my chemise finding me wet. Behind my shoulder I can hear my pc going crazy with nudges. But I don’t care. I am more than happy, now I know who my visitor is. But I leave his side to re-lock the front door. Two of my boys are out for the night, the other two went to bed at about 10pm and I have heard nothing from them since. I return to the sofa and my lover. I have missed him so much and it is so good to have him here.
If I was wet before he arrived I am dripping now. My lover has this effect on me. He told me weeks ago that if our first encounter in private was anything to go by if I happened to be sat on him his balls would certainly get a wash as he makes me cum. I adore this sexy man who I have only recently allowed into my real life. His glasses are placed in a safe place away from arms and legs. His t-shirt and jeans soon discarded as is my chemise. My stepper placed by the door to prevent sleepy boys from intruding. Quickly I tell my admirer that I am suddenly sleepy and going to bed. I close down the pc for the night.
Mmmm now to carry on where we left off. I am so turned on by my lover but more so that he has arrived at my door like this. There is no time for chat we cant keep our hands off each other. Our mouths too are busy kissing, licking and sucking. Wow he does things with my nipples I could only dream about before. I am so hungry for this man who is beside me, on me, in me, I don’t think my appetite for him can ever be sated. I just want to devour him so completely. His hands are in my hair, now on my breasts, stroking my inner thigh, feeling inside me. Please don’t stop I want this so much I want to yell out
YES YES YES and Yes, just in case you were not sure YESSSSSSSSSSS
But of course I don’t, there are boys asleep in the room above. Instead I nibble his ear whispering how much I want him. OMG I want him so much, I want him as my friend, my lover, my rock. But more than anything I want him inside me. But he makes me wait. He uses his fingers and tongue to take me to heights that I didn’t know I could reach. I play with his rock hard manhood, Using my hands, my tongue I play with him I taste him, mmmm his cock is so lovely. I want to straddle him, impaling myself on him. But he won’t allow this. He wants us to get as much pleasure as we can before he slips inside me. He wants me, he wants me to want him more than anything. I do yes I do, please let us do this now. But no I must wait, again and again he brings me to incredible orgasm using his tongue and fingers. I suck his cock bringing him to completion as I swallow every drop. We relax into each other’s arms, stroking, smiling, I am so happy I feel I could burst. This time he won’t get away from me before I get to feel his lovely cock inside me. We kiss and cuddle, his hands wandering over my naked skin just as mine are on his. As he pulls me closer to him I feel his fingers probing, they are wet from my juice, he finds my ass and gently inserts a finger, ecstasy, I love this, my hand slips down into his lap to begin stroking, teasing, I love it when I feel his length jerk involuntarily as I tease him. He grows harder and I climb into his lap encouraging him to continue teasing my ass with his finger I slip onto his hard rod. I am now impaled in the most delicious way. The more his finger probes the more I ride his cock, my actions getting wilder as his finger slips deeper and deeper inside me. I clamp my mouth to his to keep me from screaming my pleasure for all to hear. Besides I need to have his tongue deep inside my mouth as my tongue runs around the inside of his mouth feeling his teeth his tongue as it tangles with mine. Deeper I draw him into me now. I must make us so close together that we become one. I need him inside me his hard cock inside my cunt rubbing against my swollen clit as his finger still probes inside my ass rubbing against his cock and his tongue gets sucked deep inside my mouth. I cum all over him time and time again, I feel as though all conscious thought is slipping from me, all I know is that I am in heaven and I don’t want it to stop any time soon. Then I feel it for the first time as he shoots his load deep inside me, he shudders and his face creases into that startled look men sometimes have at the moment of release. I collapse in his lap as we hug, when I am sure the last shuddering is done I ease myself off him as gently as I can. Wrapping my arms around him kissing him oh so softly. I feel a sudden need for sleep, he covers my face with gentle kisses, my forehead, the tip of my nose my eyelids, everywhere finally planting a lingering kiss on my lips. He moves away slipping my chemise back over my head and shoulders he pulls on his own clothes and bids me good night. He must go before my children find us. He must also get back home as his own family will be arriving early
Good night my darling please come again xxxx
Sunday 27 May 2007
Jealousy
Jealousy
I find it hard to admit that I sometimes feel a tinge of jealousy
I try not to be jealous of anyone.
Jealousy can lead to problems in any kind of relationship
I try not to have jealous thoughts but they manage to creep in anyway
I have been thinking about jealousy a lot recently, mine and that of others
For months now I have been writing about my sexual adventures on my blogs
Quite a few of my lovers read my blog. It seems odd to me that none of them have ever shown any indication that they could get jealous of my adventures with others.
Quite the opposite they seem to enjoy reading about my adventures with others as much as my adventures with them.
Some of my playmates I have not written about because they either write blogs themselves or at the least read mine. I find that I don’t want the world to know all the intimate details, I guard them close to me I feel jealous of others who would share my intimacy. It didn’t seem this way in the beginning I was proud then to share my intimacies with my readers. It made me feel good that my readers were enjoying my intimate moments with me. I was proud that my lovers enjoyed reading my version of our encounters, especially when they told me that reading about it was just as good sometimes even better than the great time we had together.
I was trying to work out why I have changed my feelings about what I write. Maybe it is because I am feeling jealous. I read blogs that give accounts of sexual adventures, some detailed others not and I get jealous. I read a blog that gives accounts of women who the blogger wishes to have sex with and I feel jealous. I read another blog where the author describes his feelings about meeting a new woman, again I feel jealous, I don’t want to read but I do. There are other bloggers I have met whose blogs make me jealous with their stories both true and imagined. I am not just talking about the male bloggers I have met. There are bloggers I am in contact with who have stronger links with other bloggers we both know. This makes me jealous too. Why am I feeling so much jealousy in the blogging world? I am addicted to it and it gives me a release from the everyday worries. In many ways blogging has been very good for me. I have also made a lot of friends through my blogging. Some I have met, (I have probably met more bloggers than most other bloggers have).
I guess sometimes I am jealous of the relationships other bloggers have in their life while I am in limbo with my sex life. Sometimes I get jealous of other bloggers because they get to go on lovely holidays when I cant .sometimes I get jealous of other single mums who can have child free weekends (not an option for me). I am lucky that my children are old enough for me to leave them for hours at a time occasionally even over night. But I can never have anyone here for a weekend or even just over night. I can’t invite a lover for dinner.
I must be lonely in my own home. Maybe one day I shall find a man who wants to share my life and we will be able to share time in my home once the boys have got used to there being someone else in my life.
I commented on a blog recently that I can’t allow myself to think about my lovers with other women even their wives. I know I am not the only one they see just as they are not the only one I see. They enjoy discussing my sex life but I don’t ever ask about theirs. We all know that we are not in exclusive relationships. If I am playing with others I have no right to feel jealous of the other women my lovers have. Maybe this is why I am having trouble with jealousy in the blogging world. My lovers who are not bloggers don’t talk about their lovers so although I know there are others I don’t know anything about them. But in the blogging world it is there for me to read about. I am not saying that I get jealous because I want to be the one and only for these people. Reading about their desires that don’t include me doesn’t make me feel betrayed or that I cannot be friends with these people. I think all it has done is make me feel less inclined to write about my own adventures. I think partly this has also come about because there is a blogger who I have met who I thought was my friend but he has become distant, someone recently commented that maybe it is because he is jealous of my adventures and he is not part of them. Then I get jealous of others for being able to write when I can’t. No that isn’t right, it isn’t that I can’t, it is more that I have no desire to share my intimate details yet I can pour out my feelings of hurt.
What I want to be doing is pouring out my happiness. Maybe that is the root of my jealousy. That others are happier than me. Yet I know for many that is not the case.
I feel that my sadness is bringing me down taking away my sexiness. I don’t want to be sad I want to be happy to be spreading the love and warmth I have inside. The warmth and giving that I had to suppress for all those years. I have so much to give but at the moment I don’t know if I have someone to share it with.
My choice?
Partly
I find it hard to admit that I sometimes feel a tinge of jealousy
I try not to be jealous of anyone.
Jealousy can lead to problems in any kind of relationship
I try not to have jealous thoughts but they manage to creep in anyway
I have been thinking about jealousy a lot recently, mine and that of others
For months now I have been writing about my sexual adventures on my blogs
Quite a few of my lovers read my blog. It seems odd to me that none of them have ever shown any indication that they could get jealous of my adventures with others.
Quite the opposite they seem to enjoy reading about my adventures with others as much as my adventures with them.
Some of my playmates I have not written about because they either write blogs themselves or at the least read mine. I find that I don’t want the world to know all the intimate details, I guard them close to me I feel jealous of others who would share my intimacy. It didn’t seem this way in the beginning I was proud then to share my intimacies with my readers. It made me feel good that my readers were enjoying my intimate moments with me. I was proud that my lovers enjoyed reading my version of our encounters, especially when they told me that reading about it was just as good sometimes even better than the great time we had together.
I was trying to work out why I have changed my feelings about what I write. Maybe it is because I am feeling jealous. I read blogs that give accounts of sexual adventures, some detailed others not and I get jealous. I read a blog that gives accounts of women who the blogger wishes to have sex with and I feel jealous. I read another blog where the author describes his feelings about meeting a new woman, again I feel jealous, I don’t want to read but I do. There are other bloggers I have met whose blogs make me jealous with their stories both true and imagined. I am not just talking about the male bloggers I have met. There are bloggers I am in contact with who have stronger links with other bloggers we both know. This makes me jealous too. Why am I feeling so much jealousy in the blogging world? I am addicted to it and it gives me a release from the everyday worries. In many ways blogging has been very good for me. I have also made a lot of friends through my blogging. Some I have met, (I have probably met more bloggers than most other bloggers have).
I guess sometimes I am jealous of the relationships other bloggers have in their life while I am in limbo with my sex life. Sometimes I get jealous of other bloggers because they get to go on lovely holidays when I cant .sometimes I get jealous of other single mums who can have child free weekends (not an option for me). I am lucky that my children are old enough for me to leave them for hours at a time occasionally even over night. But I can never have anyone here for a weekend or even just over night. I can’t invite a lover for dinner.
I must be lonely in my own home. Maybe one day I shall find a man who wants to share my life and we will be able to share time in my home once the boys have got used to there being someone else in my life.
I commented on a blog recently that I can’t allow myself to think about my lovers with other women even their wives. I know I am not the only one they see just as they are not the only one I see. They enjoy discussing my sex life but I don’t ever ask about theirs. We all know that we are not in exclusive relationships. If I am playing with others I have no right to feel jealous of the other women my lovers have. Maybe this is why I am having trouble with jealousy in the blogging world. My lovers who are not bloggers don’t talk about their lovers so although I know there are others I don’t know anything about them. But in the blogging world it is there for me to read about. I am not saying that I get jealous because I want to be the one and only for these people. Reading about their desires that don’t include me doesn’t make me feel betrayed or that I cannot be friends with these people. I think all it has done is make me feel less inclined to write about my own adventures. I think partly this has also come about because there is a blogger who I have met who I thought was my friend but he has become distant, someone recently commented that maybe it is because he is jealous of my adventures and he is not part of them. Then I get jealous of others for being able to write when I can’t. No that isn’t right, it isn’t that I can’t, it is more that I have no desire to share my intimate details yet I can pour out my feelings of hurt.
What I want to be doing is pouring out my happiness. Maybe that is the root of my jealousy. That others are happier than me. Yet I know for many that is not the case.
I feel that my sadness is bringing me down taking away my sexiness. I don’t want to be sad I want to be happy to be spreading the love and warmth I have inside. The warmth and giving that I had to suppress for all those years. I have so much to give but at the moment I don’t know if I have someone to share it with.
My choice?
Partly
stuck
I feel as though I am stuck in limbo
I seem to have an apathy towards sex yet I want to have sex and I want to write about it.
I want to write about my adventues yet I want to keep them private for me and my partner.
I want to write more fantasies but I just can't decide on any scenarios to write.
I feel stuck and I just don't seem to be able to move forward.
I want to experiment, most particularly with blind folds, light bondage and spanking. But where do I turn. I have cut my ties with the most Dominant of my prospective lovers. My more favoured choice for these experiments has decided to behave himself. there is of course my knight who shows definite wishes to explore this side of his nature and mine. However he suddenly went on vacation just as I became ill. He is as yet unaware that I have been unwell. I have not head from him since he went away. Maybe he needs a nudge from me. As much as I adore my knight my current apathy is such that I am not even sure if I can be bothered to make the effort even for him. Maybe it is the recent lack of sex that is making me feel like this and I just need to start having sex again to make me want more.
Don't get me wrong my life has not been completely sexless in recent weeks. Indeed I have played a few times with different men however the last time I had an actual fuck was back omg I just checked 29th april. I hadn't realised it had been that long ago. But I have been ill and I have made the decision to cut back on my lovers so it is my fault. Yes Santa I do know that I can go see you any time I want.
I have not even played with myself much which just goes to show how deep my apathy has become. Maybe all this is down to the fact that I don't want to play around so much any more. I feel that I have got that out of my system and want something more personal and regular now.
However for those lonely times when I am feeling horny but have no one to play with I have finally placed an order with Lovehoney for a couple of sex toys and some new lube, the first I have ever bought for myself.
update
since posting this I have been chatting on msn with a guy I hadn't chatted to for weeks. I have changed into something more comfortable which has made it easier to play while chatting. not only has he helped me to cum but he's given me inspiration for my next story.
I seem to have an apathy towards sex yet I want to have sex and I want to write about it.
I want to write about my adventues yet I want to keep them private for me and my partner.
I want to write more fantasies but I just can't decide on any scenarios to write.
I feel stuck and I just don't seem to be able to move forward.
I want to experiment, most particularly with blind folds, light bondage and spanking. But where do I turn. I have cut my ties with the most Dominant of my prospective lovers. My more favoured choice for these experiments has decided to behave himself. there is of course my knight who shows definite wishes to explore this side of his nature and mine. However he suddenly went on vacation just as I became ill. He is as yet unaware that I have been unwell. I have not head from him since he went away. Maybe he needs a nudge from me. As much as I adore my knight my current apathy is such that I am not even sure if I can be bothered to make the effort even for him. Maybe it is the recent lack of sex that is making me feel like this and I just need to start having sex again to make me want more.
Don't get me wrong my life has not been completely sexless in recent weeks. Indeed I have played a few times with different men however the last time I had an actual fuck was back omg I just checked 29th april. I hadn't realised it had been that long ago. But I have been ill and I have made the decision to cut back on my lovers so it is my fault. Yes Santa I do know that I can go see you any time I want.
I have not even played with myself much which just goes to show how deep my apathy has become. Maybe all this is down to the fact that I don't want to play around so much any more. I feel that I have got that out of my system and want something more personal and regular now.
However for those lonely times when I am feeling horny but have no one to play with I have finally placed an order with Lovehoney for a couple of sex toys and some new lube, the first I have ever bought for myself.
update
since posting this I have been chatting on msn with a guy I hadn't chatted to for weeks. I have changed into something more comfortable which has made it easier to play while chatting. not only has he helped me to cum but he's given me inspiration for my next story.
Friday 25 May 2007
more ramblings
In a couple of hours the kids will be home from school, #4 doesn't go back until tues 5th June. I love him to bits but he will be bored half the time. there will be arguments over whose turn it is to go online and so and so has been on there too long. One solution would be to get the internet connected to my pc in my room. there are two reasons I am reluctant do that. first they will be on two computers 24/7 I cant afford the electricity at the moment. we are on pay as you go meter for the moment. secondly I want my room to stay as my bedroom not be another room for them to mess up. Which was the case before. what I would like to do is get a working computer set up in their room as well as one in mine.
#2 is already home he has officially left school now. I am working on getting him a summer job to keep him busy and out of my way. I was meant to have a lunchtime drink yesterday with a local businessman who is looking into finding him an office job for the summer. He had to postpone until tuesday. I have decided to use my contacts to my own benefit. I know he fancies me like mad but he knows that it isnt going to happen, he respects my feelings on that.
I had chat with JJ the other night, he was thinking about showing me the ropes (pun intended)of dom/sub situation. But for the moment he is being a good boy and being faithful to his partner. I have told my dark master that I wont be meeting him I have had no response from him what so ever. So it is looking like I won't be exprimenting along those lines for the moment although I do have discussions with one of my friends online but it isn't quite the same as experiencing it for real.
I have met someone who I would like to have a more stable kind of relationship with than those I have had in recent months. We have not yet had a chance to discuss this properly to see what we both want from each other. In the meantime I am not sure if I shall want to continue the liasons I already have. Some I have cut my ties with others are still there we just have not got together recently. I have had a chat with foxy(SL) this week. I think we both realise that situation has run its course for now. But I do now have several contacts who would be more than willing to have me join them in a 3 or 4 some, so I have not burnt my bridges there completely.
I still have to get online to do some research into toys I might get for myself but these days it looks like im online at 5am if I want privay (as a couple of blogger friends can confirm they found me online at that time).
My blogger friends have been doing wonders for my ego the last few days. One has told me that he would not be able to keep his hands off me (lol indeed he couldnt when we met). Another has in the last two days told me that far from being a nutter I am quite sane and also that I am hot even if I dont feel it today. thanx guys you know who you are :-)
#2 is already home he has officially left school now. I am working on getting him a summer job to keep him busy and out of my way. I was meant to have a lunchtime drink yesterday with a local businessman who is looking into finding him an office job for the summer. He had to postpone until tuesday. I have decided to use my contacts to my own benefit. I know he fancies me like mad but he knows that it isnt going to happen, he respects my feelings on that.
I had chat with JJ the other night, he was thinking about showing me the ropes (pun intended)of dom/sub situation. But for the moment he is being a good boy and being faithful to his partner. I have told my dark master that I wont be meeting him I have had no response from him what so ever. So it is looking like I won't be exprimenting along those lines for the moment although I do have discussions with one of my friends online but it isn't quite the same as experiencing it for real.
I have met someone who I would like to have a more stable kind of relationship with than those I have had in recent months. We have not yet had a chance to discuss this properly to see what we both want from each other. In the meantime I am not sure if I shall want to continue the liasons I already have. Some I have cut my ties with others are still there we just have not got together recently. I have had a chat with foxy(SL) this week. I think we both realise that situation has run its course for now. But I do now have several contacts who would be more than willing to have me join them in a 3 or 4 some, so I have not burnt my bridges there completely.
I still have to get online to do some research into toys I might get for myself but these days it looks like im online at 5am if I want privay (as a couple of blogger friends can confirm they found me online at that time).
My blogger friends have been doing wonders for my ego the last few days. One has told me that he would not be able to keep his hands off me (lol indeed he couldnt when we met). Another has in the last two days told me that far from being a nutter I am quite sane and also that I am hot even if I dont feel it today. thanx guys you know who you are :-)
Thursday 24 May 2007
rambling
I think am going to have a bit of a drougt in my sex life for a while.
Partly because I have decided that I dont want to have multiple fuck buddies any more.
Partly because I cannot now have any lovers at my house for a while.
this was going to be the last week I could for a while but I hadn't realised that #1 son was on the late shift at work meaning he wouln't be working until 1pm as #2 & 3 get home from school by 2.45 that doesnt give much lea way. It will be half term for the others from tomorrow. But what makes it worse is that #2 son officially leaves school tomorrow only going in for his GCSE's. If I am going to have any fun at home I shall need to get a copy of his exam time table and fit my sex life around his exams :-(
It has been suggesed by a certain blogger that I should get a clone willy kit and use that.
Oh I was highly amused yesterday #2 son brought home his school year book. The kids had been asked where they expect to be in 10 yrs time. some want to be plumbers, mechanics doctors. But I couldnt believe the number that simply said they will be rich or will be married to a rich bloke and have a big house. I woud have felt so ashmed if my son had been one of these kids. He though said that he intends to be a sports statistian. he is very focussed and has known for several years that this is what he wants. he plans to do double maths at college then go onto university to do a maths degree, he also loves sports.
Partly because I have decided that I dont want to have multiple fuck buddies any more.
Partly because I cannot now have any lovers at my house for a while.
this was going to be the last week I could for a while but I hadn't realised that #1 son was on the late shift at work meaning he wouln't be working until 1pm as #2 & 3 get home from school by 2.45 that doesnt give much lea way. It will be half term for the others from tomorrow. But what makes it worse is that #2 son officially leaves school tomorrow only going in for his GCSE's. If I am going to have any fun at home I shall need to get a copy of his exam time table and fit my sex life around his exams :-(
It has been suggesed by a certain blogger that I should get a clone willy kit and use that.
Oh I was highly amused yesterday #2 son brought home his school year book. The kids had been asked where they expect to be in 10 yrs time. some want to be plumbers, mechanics doctors. But I couldnt believe the number that simply said they will be rich or will be married to a rich bloke and have a big house. I woud have felt so ashmed if my son had been one of these kids. He though said that he intends to be a sports statistian. he is very focussed and has known for several years that this is what he wants. he plans to do double maths at college then go onto university to do a maths degree, he also loves sports.
extracts of a diary
I don’t have much to write about at the moment so I have decided to write some extracts from my diary I had to keep for the police while I was going through the break up of my marriage.
25/5/05 I am woken at 5am by him shouting and cursing. He has found an email from my friend in North Carolina. He has completely got the wrong end of the stick anyway. Calls me allsorts of names takes my car keys, says he is going to take my car (it’s in my name bought with the insurance money from my cancer). He puts his hands around my throat for a split second ranting about the football club. Saying he is going to destroy all my paperwork. We both rush downstairs. While I am retrieving the papers from the garden he gets my phone from under my pillow (I had recently taken to sleeping with it there as he has made me paranoid about it). When the boys are up he takes youngest to school telling him mummy will have moved out by the time he comes home from school.
He comes back we argue some more. He wants me to move out. I won’t neither will he. I am upstairs sorting out laundry, we talk if neither of us will move out we will have to try to live together. He says that if we don’t have sex one of us will end up going else where. He pushes me onto the bed and starts pulling my clothes off. I really thought he was going to rape me. I started to cry which seemed to stop him.
28/5/05 He goes to the pub and gets very drunk, he wants me to take him to our eldest son’s gig, I refuse telling him he must eat something. He gets very abusive calling me names, saying anything I cook will be poison. He decides he is leaving, #2 son is very distraught. I talk to #2 explaining the situation and that we will manage. During the evening he rang me a dozen times saying he didn’t know where he was. At 11.30 I went to meet #1 son from train. Found SF outside the pub. He wanted to talk, but all he did was give me abuse so I left him to it. 12.30am he is kicking the door in, so I let him in. He was very nasty and demonstrated what he was going to do to my friends. He poked me in the eye, punched me in the cheek and put his hands around my throat. Grabbed my phone from my pocket looking for my friend’s phone numbers, demanding I tell him their addresses. He goes on the computer to find website that tells you how to kill using bare hands. I had changed my password which made him angry, he’s shouting and throwing things around. I called the police who were here in 5 minutes. They won’t leave us both in the house together, after much negotiating he gets difficult and they take him away.
29/5/05 At 5am he is brought back by police officer saying he has calmed down and wants to pack his things and go. But once the police officer has gone SF starts being abusive again. I manage to get the boys out of the house while he is asleep, we go to #3 son’s cricket match. About midday SF appears and begs for another chance, I tell him this is positively the last chance.
8/6/05 I am late home from work, having called on one the boys in the football team and chatting to his mum for a while. SF thought I must be at K’s house (chairman of Football club). I have never been there and as far as I knew he would be at work. SF has to know where I am constantly, he has to know what I am doing. It is like living on Big Brother. He wants my attention 100% of the time. He is constantly asking if I love him (this is what started it off). I have told him to give me space, it is hard to adjust to having no affection for 18 yrs to getting constant affection. He wants to be hugging and kissing me all the time. I can only put up with so much of this then I have to imagine it is someone else.
25/6/05 this has been a good week. SF has kept calm we have had no rows. The other day he found a well hidden letter I had written to my friend apologising for him getting dragged into my marriage problems when he had done nothing to warrant it. After reading the letter SF realised he had been behaving like an idiot. The other odd thing he has done is telling me how many pages of my book I have read each day. Telling me the page number I was on the previous day and the page I was on now.
13/9/05 SF phones me at work begging me to have sex with him. I tell him I cannot have this conversation I am at work, I will put the phone down. I leave the room, when I return he has called 3 more times. About 2pm my mother in law phones, SF has phoned her out of the blue demanding she phone pretending to be my mum, so she can ask me to give him another chance. She didn’t even know we had split up last week. I call her back after work, she is only surprised I had stuck with him as long as I have.
16/9/05 #1 son wakes me at 1am with phone , it is SF needing to be picked up from town. I get #1 to come with me. We find SF slumped on the pavement. We take him home, he gives us verbal abuse all the way. He goes to bed and I settle on the sofa, #4 joins me. SF comes down and insists I sleep in the bed, he will sleep on the sofa. Not long after this he returns to the bedroom insulting me and playing loud music. I go back to sofa. #4 joins me again. SF comes back down sends #4 back to bed then tried to get me to have sex with him. He punches me in the face when I refuse. I yell at him to go away and never hit me again. He goes away and #4 returns upset he has heard the row. SF returns with more insults and tells #4 he is going to stab me with kitchen knife. #4 cries so SF changes tactic saying he has taken overdose of his anti depressants. He goes to the kitchen and we hear rustling noises, before he goes back upstairs. He returns looking for clean boxers that he needs for his funeral. He goes into the kitchen where #4 and I see him take 2 tablets. He goes upstairs and I call an ambulance. He tells the ambulance crew he has taken 2 weeks worth over about 12 hours as well as drinking about 12 pints. I take #4 to my mums while I go to the hospital. He keeps trying to make me give him another chance. There is nothing wrong with him he has not overdosed at all. Mental health adviser says I must support him while he is getting over his drink problems, he’s said sorry and I should put it behind us. I CANT. I detest him for what he has put us through.
4/11/05 3.50am I am at my mum’s with #2 &3. #1 has opted to stay home and #4 is away with school for week. I am here because SF came home drunk whilst I was asleep on the sofa, he got on top of me demanding cuddles. When I refused he became abusive, refusing to leave me alone. He thinks that as I am still his wife he has a right to have sex with me. After about an hour I escape from under him and run upstairs. I phone the police who arrive within 10 minutes. SF has fallen asleep (in the same place as when he was on top of me) so there is not much they can do. They wake him up and talk to him. The officer comes back to me saying she can see why I am divorcing him. Sf won’t leave the house so the police tell me to go to my mother’s.
This is only a sample of the things we went through. There were a lot of other entries in my diary but I can’t bring myself to include them here.
25/5/05 I am woken at 5am by him shouting and cursing. He has found an email from my friend in North Carolina. He has completely got the wrong end of the stick anyway. Calls me allsorts of names takes my car keys, says he is going to take my car (it’s in my name bought with the insurance money from my cancer). He puts his hands around my throat for a split second ranting about the football club. Saying he is going to destroy all my paperwork. We both rush downstairs. While I am retrieving the papers from the garden he gets my phone from under my pillow (I had recently taken to sleeping with it there as he has made me paranoid about it). When the boys are up he takes youngest to school telling him mummy will have moved out by the time he comes home from school.
He comes back we argue some more. He wants me to move out. I won’t neither will he. I am upstairs sorting out laundry, we talk if neither of us will move out we will have to try to live together. He says that if we don’t have sex one of us will end up going else where. He pushes me onto the bed and starts pulling my clothes off. I really thought he was going to rape me. I started to cry which seemed to stop him.
28/5/05 He goes to the pub and gets very drunk, he wants me to take him to our eldest son’s gig, I refuse telling him he must eat something. He gets very abusive calling me names, saying anything I cook will be poison. He decides he is leaving, #2 son is very distraught. I talk to #2 explaining the situation and that we will manage. During the evening he rang me a dozen times saying he didn’t know where he was. At 11.30 I went to meet #1 son from train. Found SF outside the pub. He wanted to talk, but all he did was give me abuse so I left him to it. 12.30am he is kicking the door in, so I let him in. He was very nasty and demonstrated what he was going to do to my friends. He poked me in the eye, punched me in the cheek and put his hands around my throat. Grabbed my phone from my pocket looking for my friend’s phone numbers, demanding I tell him their addresses. He goes on the computer to find website that tells you how to kill using bare hands. I had changed my password which made him angry, he’s shouting and throwing things around. I called the police who were here in 5 minutes. They won’t leave us both in the house together, after much negotiating he gets difficult and they take him away.
29/5/05 At 5am he is brought back by police officer saying he has calmed down and wants to pack his things and go. But once the police officer has gone SF starts being abusive again. I manage to get the boys out of the house while he is asleep, we go to #3 son’s cricket match. About midday SF appears and begs for another chance, I tell him this is positively the last chance.
8/6/05 I am late home from work, having called on one the boys in the football team and chatting to his mum for a while. SF thought I must be at K’s house (chairman of Football club). I have never been there and as far as I knew he would be at work. SF has to know where I am constantly, he has to know what I am doing. It is like living on Big Brother. He wants my attention 100% of the time. He is constantly asking if I love him (this is what started it off). I have told him to give me space, it is hard to adjust to having no affection for 18 yrs to getting constant affection. He wants to be hugging and kissing me all the time. I can only put up with so much of this then I have to imagine it is someone else.
25/6/05 this has been a good week. SF has kept calm we have had no rows. The other day he found a well hidden letter I had written to my friend apologising for him getting dragged into my marriage problems when he had done nothing to warrant it. After reading the letter SF realised he had been behaving like an idiot. The other odd thing he has done is telling me how many pages of my book I have read each day. Telling me the page number I was on the previous day and the page I was on now.
13/9/05 SF phones me at work begging me to have sex with him. I tell him I cannot have this conversation I am at work, I will put the phone down. I leave the room, when I return he has called 3 more times. About 2pm my mother in law phones, SF has phoned her out of the blue demanding she phone pretending to be my mum, so she can ask me to give him another chance. She didn’t even know we had split up last week. I call her back after work, she is only surprised I had stuck with him as long as I have.
16/9/05 #1 son wakes me at 1am with phone , it is SF needing to be picked up from town. I get #1 to come with me. We find SF slumped on the pavement. We take him home, he gives us verbal abuse all the way. He goes to bed and I settle on the sofa, #4 joins me. SF comes down and insists I sleep in the bed, he will sleep on the sofa. Not long after this he returns to the bedroom insulting me and playing loud music. I go back to sofa. #4 joins me again. SF comes back down sends #4 back to bed then tried to get me to have sex with him. He punches me in the face when I refuse. I yell at him to go away and never hit me again. He goes away and #4 returns upset he has heard the row. SF returns with more insults and tells #4 he is going to stab me with kitchen knife. #4 cries so SF changes tactic saying he has taken overdose of his anti depressants. He goes to the kitchen and we hear rustling noises, before he goes back upstairs. He returns looking for clean boxers that he needs for his funeral. He goes into the kitchen where #4 and I see him take 2 tablets. He goes upstairs and I call an ambulance. He tells the ambulance crew he has taken 2 weeks worth over about 12 hours as well as drinking about 12 pints. I take #4 to my mums while I go to the hospital. He keeps trying to make me give him another chance. There is nothing wrong with him he has not overdosed at all. Mental health adviser says I must support him while he is getting over his drink problems, he’s said sorry and I should put it behind us. I CANT. I detest him for what he has put us through.
4/11/05 3.50am I am at my mum’s with #2 &3. #1 has opted to stay home and #4 is away with school for week. I am here because SF came home drunk whilst I was asleep on the sofa, he got on top of me demanding cuddles. When I refused he became abusive, refusing to leave me alone. He thinks that as I am still his wife he has a right to have sex with me. After about an hour I escape from under him and run upstairs. I phone the police who arrive within 10 minutes. SF has fallen asleep (in the same place as when he was on top of me) so there is not much they can do. They wake him up and talk to him. The officer comes back to me saying she can see why I am divorcing him. Sf won’t leave the house so the police tell me to go to my mother’s.
This is only a sample of the things we went through. There were a lot of other entries in my diary but I can’t bring myself to include them here.
Tuesday 22 May 2007
Help !!!
I have decided that it is time to replace my tube of lube.
Now I have a problem.
I have limited spare cash and limited knowledge about lube or even sex toys.
I have been looking at the different lubes on the market. I don't have a clue which would be best to buy. there are the tingle ones and the heat ones and the play ones.
I cant afford to buy one of each which I guess would be the ideal solution.
what I need is something that would be good for when I am alone playing with my toys (not that I have much in that department). but also good for when I am playing with a partner (particularly if we are going to indulge in anal play).
I also want to invest in at least one toy that works.
I know Vi swears by her rabbit. But I think I need start off with something a little cheaper. I don't know what would give me the most pleasure for the least amount of money.
any suggestions would be gratefull received.
now I need to go for a quick play before the kids get home
Now I have a problem.
I have limited spare cash and limited knowledge about lube or even sex toys.
I have been looking at the different lubes on the market. I don't have a clue which would be best to buy. there are the tingle ones and the heat ones and the play ones.
I cant afford to buy one of each which I guess would be the ideal solution.
what I need is something that would be good for when I am alone playing with my toys (not that I have much in that department). but also good for when I am playing with a partner (particularly if we are going to indulge in anal play).
I also want to invest in at least one toy that works.
I know Vi swears by her rabbit. But I think I need start off with something a little cheaper. I don't know what would give me the most pleasure for the least amount of money.
any suggestions would be gratefull received.
now I need to go for a quick play before the kids get home
Monday 21 May 2007
3am
It’s 3am and I’m awake……..have been for a while now
It’s no good I can’t help it
My mind keeps going over it
The feel of your touch
The taste of your kisses
The look in your eyes
I lay on my back and I want you there above me pressing me into the mattress.
Kissing me holding me
I turn on to my front……..I never lie like this
I remember you under me as I lay over you
As we held each other in our embrace
Our eyes locked together
I remember how your fingers worked inside me
Making me wet and then wetter still
I remember how you used your tongue to send me to heaven
How you licked and sucked until I felt I could take no more
I remember how I wanted you
I remember not wanting to let go
The feel of your cock in my hand
The sensations in my fingers as I stroked
I remember the taste
As I used my tongue
As I took you within my mouth
As you spilled your seed for me
It’s 3am and I am alone here
My bed feels empty even though
There has only been one time
You were here with me
I yearn for your touch
I long for your taste
It’s 11am now and I am driving
My mind returns
To those hours
In the deepest of the night
When I was, wanting you
How I want you still now
It’s no good I can’t help it
My mind keeps going over it
The feel of your touch
The taste of your kisses
The look in your eyes
I lay on my back and I want you there above me pressing me into the mattress.
Kissing me holding me
I turn on to my front……..I never lie like this
I remember you under me as I lay over you
As we held each other in our embrace
Our eyes locked together
I remember how your fingers worked inside me
Making me wet and then wetter still
I remember how you used your tongue to send me to heaven
How you licked and sucked until I felt I could take no more
I remember how I wanted you
I remember not wanting to let go
The feel of your cock in my hand
The sensations in my fingers as I stroked
I remember the taste
As I used my tongue
As I took you within my mouth
As you spilled your seed for me
It’s 3am and I am alone here
My bed feels empty even though
There has only been one time
You were here with me
I yearn for your touch
I long for your taste
It’s 11am now and I am driving
My mind returns
To those hours
In the deepest of the night
When I was, wanting you
How I want you still now
Sunday 20 May 2007
experiment
I have decided that I am going to experiment with opening up my blog again.
I don't believe I have written anything on here that can be used against me. There may be some things that not everyone likes but this is after all my blog, my feelings. anyone who does not like what I write does not have to read it.
However if I do have any further problems I shall return my blog to being invite only.
I don't believe I have written anything on here that can be used against me. There may be some things that not everyone likes but this is after all my blog, my feelings. anyone who does not like what I write does not have to read it.
However if I do have any further problems I shall return my blog to being invite only.
I confess
Sir must I stay in the corner?
You must stay as you are until I am satisfied you have confessed all
yes Sir
stand with your feet apart and your hands flat upon the wall ahead of you.
keep your eyes on your hands as you speak
Now you may begin
yes Sir
It was 10.30am on Friday morning.
Come to my office for coffee he had said giving me the address.
I park my car a little further up the road then brolly in one hand and folder under my other arm I step carefully up to the door and press the bell.
A moment later there he is holding the door open for me to enter as he continues his business call. He motions for me to take a seat on the sofa. As he continues talking to his client he signals that he is making tea and disappears into his kitchen.
A moment later and he is sat beside me on his sofa, still talking to his client with his hand resting on my knee just at the hem of my tight blue pinstripe skirt.
Almost as soon as his call is over he leans over and kisses me. He can’t keep his hands off my legs trying to creep up under my skirt. He turns his attention to my sheer white blouse, where the upper buttons are trying to burst open at my cleavage. With a little help my breasts are soon spilling out of my white lacy bra. He kneels before me burying his face in my cleavage. His hands sliding inside my skirt, he doesn’t have much room inside the tight material as it clings to my thighs. He removes my black high heeled court shoes from my feet. Then moving slowly from my feet up my legs to my knees he pushes my skirt up to my waist. Grabbing my thighs he pulls me onto the floor with him. My blouse open exposing my creamy white breasts, my skirt pushed up to my waist I am exposed for his eyes to gaze upon. As I look around me I see the family pictures on the wall. The hamster in his cage just inches from my shoulder.
This should not be happening I know that, he knows that, but he just cannot help himself. He kneels between my thighs dipping his head to taste me. His sighs of delight tell me all that I need to know. He is trapped, he cannot now escape he is mine. I can make him do as I please. He fucks me there on his living room floor, he finds me irresistible in my secretaries outfit. He later text me that he finds me so sweet to smell and taste he needs to see me again soon.
Sir I confess that this my first married man has left me with a taste for more.
Come to my office for coffee he had said giving me the address.
I park my car a little further up the road then brolly in one hand and folder under my other arm I step carefully up to the door and press the bell.
A moment later there he is holding the door open for me to enter as he continues his business call. He motions for me to take a seat on the sofa. As he continues talking to his client he signals that he is making tea and disappears into his kitchen.
A moment later and he is sat beside me on his sofa, still talking to his client with his hand resting on my knee just at the hem of my tight blue pinstripe skirt.
Almost as soon as his call is over he leans over and kisses me. He can’t keep his hands off my legs trying to creep up under my skirt. He turns his attention to my sheer white blouse, where the upper buttons are trying to burst open at my cleavage. With a little help my breasts are soon spilling out of my white lacy bra. He kneels before me burying his face in my cleavage. His hands sliding inside my skirt, he doesn’t have much room inside the tight material as it clings to my thighs. He removes my black high heeled court shoes from my feet. Then moving slowly from my feet up my legs to my knees he pushes my skirt up to my waist. Grabbing my thighs he pulls me onto the floor with him. My blouse open exposing my creamy white breasts, my skirt pushed up to my waist I am exposed for his eyes to gaze upon. As I look around me I see the family pictures on the wall. The hamster in his cage just inches from my shoulder.
This should not be happening I know that, he knows that, but he just cannot help himself. He kneels between my thighs dipping his head to taste me. His sighs of delight tell me all that I need to know. He is trapped, he cannot now escape he is mine. I can make him do as I please. He fucks me there on his living room floor, he finds me irresistible in my secretaries outfit. He later text me that he finds me so sweet to smell and taste he needs to see me again soon.
Sir I confess that this my first married man has left me with a taste for more.
Saturday 19 May 2007
to confess or not
have you been naughty ?
moi?
I think you have something to tell me.........something to get off your chest......somethg you feel bad about ........... something to atone for?
It helps to confess
I have special means...............of making you feel better about it
maybe I should be confessing to my relentless seduction of innocent married men.
It seems that on the whole single men are no fun, too easy, not enough risk.
Married men though...........
thats another story........ they could be just out to test the water see if the grass is greener without rocking the boat.
Then the short skirt, stocking clad legs are put in front of them and they become like putty.
They just have to feel those legs. touching the lower leg or knee to start with. But that is not enough, they have to slide the fingers up higher.
Feel the satiny smooth nylon, then if they are daring enough the lacy top of the stockings. But can they stop there. Very few who have ventured that far can stop.
They do stop but only long enough to escape the confines of the bar/coffee shop. Long enough to find somewhere more private, usually a car.
Here they resume the exploration of those legs. this time they move from knee to thigh more rapidly, the touch of cool soft flesh above the lacy topped stockings. Now its only a matter of inches, a short time before those fingers are searching. Searching for the wetness, the smooth warmth of my inner secrets. There is no going back now. Those fingers have traced the smooth wet trail that leads to their undoing. They know it is wrong they know this must not be but they just have to have me.
Sir I confess to.......my love of seducing married men
I shall consider this
please stand in the corner
moi?
I think you have something to tell me.........something to get off your chest......somethg you feel bad about ........... something to atone for?
It helps to confess
I have special means...............of making you feel better about it
maybe I should be confessing to my relentless seduction of innocent married men.
It seems that on the whole single men are no fun, too easy, not enough risk.
Married men though...........
thats another story........ they could be just out to test the water see if the grass is greener without rocking the boat.
Then the short skirt, stocking clad legs are put in front of them and they become like putty.
They just have to feel those legs. touching the lower leg or knee to start with. But that is not enough, they have to slide the fingers up higher.
Feel the satiny smooth nylon, then if they are daring enough the lacy top of the stockings. But can they stop there. Very few who have ventured that far can stop.
They do stop but only long enough to escape the confines of the bar/coffee shop. Long enough to find somewhere more private, usually a car.
Here they resume the exploration of those legs. this time they move from knee to thigh more rapidly, the touch of cool soft flesh above the lacy topped stockings. Now its only a matter of inches, a short time before those fingers are searching. Searching for the wetness, the smooth warmth of my inner secrets. There is no going back now. Those fingers have traced the smooth wet trail that leads to their undoing. They know it is wrong they know this must not be but they just have to have me.
Sir I confess to.......my love of seducing married men
I shall consider this
please stand in the corner
Friday 18 May 2007
I am pleased
I am pleased that you are happy. Really I am, we have chatted for about 9 months now, not everyday but frequently. You read my blog to keep up with my antics and when you are in need of stimuli!
I am pleased that you have found the woman of your dreams. It seems so long ago that you first told me of the night the two of you met. Even way back then I was pleased for you. I am glad you no longer feel the need to chase after other women. It must be love!
But we will always have our own special memories. How could either of us ever forget that night online where I teased you so mercilessly? I had dressed ready for our date, you told me you couldn’t make it as your mother had decided to visit and was already on her way. I already knew by then who your mother was or at least I had a pretty good idea. (I don’t think I ever did tell you who my friend is).
I settled myself in front of my computer for an evening of chatting instead. I don’t remember who I chatted to now but later in the evening you came online again. We both had our web cams on. (I have not used mine for ages now). We were just chatting when you noticed that I was rubbing my leg and as I did so my skirt was riding up. You were getting excited now, the more I stroked my leg the more my skirt was riding higher and higher exposing more and more, tan stocking and finally a smidgeon of exposed thigh. As we chatted you could not see me chatting on my phone to a friend. It was the same friend I had told who I was meeting and where ( my safety net). She is a very good friend of your mother, and was priming me with questions to ask you. The more I asked about your family the more freaked out you were getting that I knew so much about you.
But it didn’t matter how much I was freaking you out you were still mesmerised by my stocking clad legs. Dreaming, of them being wrapped around your neck. I wonder which is the strongest memory for you. That night or the one where we had chatted online both feeling frisky and lonely as we were apart from the person we wanted to be with. We talked about meeting up for a coffee. Then you suggested that if I came around to your place you would put on a porn movie and supply me with tea. By then it was about 11pm and as I was going offline for the evening I said I would think about it. I waited about half an hour before setting off, just long enough to leave you wondering if I would turn up or not. You nearly had a heart attack when I rang your doorbell just before midnight. You had just about given up on getting what you were calling your LIRagram. But you did a very good impression of the cat that got the cream.
There won’t be anymore midnight visists for you but at least you can remember those legs in fishnet stockings wrapped around your neck a few times
I am pleased that you have found the woman of your dreams. It seems so long ago that you first told me of the night the two of you met. Even way back then I was pleased for you. I am glad you no longer feel the need to chase after other women. It must be love!
But we will always have our own special memories. How could either of us ever forget that night online where I teased you so mercilessly? I had dressed ready for our date, you told me you couldn’t make it as your mother had decided to visit and was already on her way. I already knew by then who your mother was or at least I had a pretty good idea. (I don’t think I ever did tell you who my friend is).
I settled myself in front of my computer for an evening of chatting instead. I don’t remember who I chatted to now but later in the evening you came online again. We both had our web cams on. (I have not used mine for ages now). We were just chatting when you noticed that I was rubbing my leg and as I did so my skirt was riding up. You were getting excited now, the more I stroked my leg the more my skirt was riding higher and higher exposing more and more, tan stocking and finally a smidgeon of exposed thigh. As we chatted you could not see me chatting on my phone to a friend. It was the same friend I had told who I was meeting and where ( my safety net). She is a very good friend of your mother, and was priming me with questions to ask you. The more I asked about your family the more freaked out you were getting that I knew so much about you.
But it didn’t matter how much I was freaking you out you were still mesmerised by my stocking clad legs. Dreaming, of them being wrapped around your neck. I wonder which is the strongest memory for you. That night or the one where we had chatted online both feeling frisky and lonely as we were apart from the person we wanted to be with. We talked about meeting up for a coffee. Then you suggested that if I came around to your place you would put on a porn movie and supply me with tea. By then it was about 11pm and as I was going offline for the evening I said I would think about it. I waited about half an hour before setting off, just long enough to leave you wondering if I would turn up or not. You nearly had a heart attack when I rang your doorbell just before midnight. You had just about given up on getting what you were calling your LIRagram. But you did a very good impression of the cat that got the cream.
There won’t be anymore midnight visists for you but at least you can remember those legs in fishnet stockings wrapped around your neck a few times
.
A little anger can be good
Yesterday morning I was full of anger
Yesterday I spoke to my son’s girlfriend
Last night he produced the payslips I needed,
Last night after they had spoken they have offered me the money they were saving for a trip to New York to pay the council Tax bill.
Last night he explained that when he had declined to do me a simple favour last week saying ‘I don’t want to’. It had been because he wasn’t feeling well but didn’t want to say.
All is harmony between us again for the moment.
Yesterday I told my friend ‘I am giving up sex’.
Yesterday I closed down my profile on AFF (adult friend finder).
Yesterday I explained to Lotto that I am no longer interested in NSA which is all he is interested in currently. He is about 6 months behind me in the road to recovery from ending of long term relationship. He is fine with that and says he still wants to be my friend and does a good Tricia if I need a shoulder.
Last night I told my friend what I had done…..he now realises I was serious.
Yesterday I got some important paperwork sorted out.
Yesterday I managed to get to my bank and change a couple of things on my account, I also discovered that I can use my old PIN with my new bank card.
Yesterday I spent an hour in the Council Offices sorting out my Housing Benefit.
I felt so much better and more in control once this was done.
Yesterday I went to the senior school and watched #3 son play drums as part of the year 10 musical performance. Part of their work towards GCSE next year.
Yesterday I cooked dinner for my kids. No big deal but it was the first time in nearly 2 weeks. I had to go to bed exhausted afterwards but it felt good knowing I am on the mend.
Yesterday I spoke to my son’s girlfriend
Last night he produced the payslips I needed,
Last night after they had spoken they have offered me the money they were saving for a trip to New York to pay the council Tax bill.
Last night he explained that when he had declined to do me a simple favour last week saying ‘I don’t want to’. It had been because he wasn’t feeling well but didn’t want to say.
All is harmony between us again for the moment.
Yesterday I told my friend ‘I am giving up sex’.
Yesterday I closed down my profile on AFF (adult friend finder).
Yesterday I explained to Lotto that I am no longer interested in NSA which is all he is interested in currently. He is about 6 months behind me in the road to recovery from ending of long term relationship. He is fine with that and says he still wants to be my friend and does a good Tricia if I need a shoulder.
Last night I told my friend what I had done…..he now realises I was serious.
Yesterday I got some important paperwork sorted out.
Yesterday I managed to get to my bank and change a couple of things on my account, I also discovered that I can use my old PIN with my new bank card.
Yesterday I spent an hour in the Council Offices sorting out my Housing Benefit.
I felt so much better and more in control once this was done.
Yesterday I went to the senior school and watched #3 son play drums as part of the year 10 musical performance. Part of their work towards GCSE next year.
Yesterday I cooked dinner for my kids. No big deal but it was the first time in nearly 2 weeks. I had to go to bed exhausted afterwards but it felt good knowing I am on the mend.
Thursday 17 May 2007
Anger
today I am full of anger.
I have half written a long post about the various reasons I am angry
but now I have decided it is enough just to say that I am angry and am feeling ready to fight back.
the screen saver on my mobile says it best.
NEVER
I have half written a long post about the various reasons I am angry
but now I have decided it is enough just to say that I am angry and am feeling ready to fight back.
the screen saver on my mobile says it best.
NEVER
UNDERESTIMATE
THE POWER OF
AN EXTREMELY
PISSED OFF
WOMAN!!
.
Wednesday 16 May 2007
Bloody cheek!!!
How dare he?
who does he think he is?
how can he have the nerve?
the man is insane
does he have a brain ?
I just checked my mail on a different account.
when I logged on there was an offline message
from N!!!!!!!
considering that his last message was talking about defamation of character.
he wont be getting any answer at all
the bloody cheek
what did he say?
'whats your mobile number babe? I lost it'
quite harmless .......yes I know
I have two mobiles he knows that and has both numbers.
can be most annoying when he sends same text to both phones to make sure i get it. If he has lost either or both my numbers thats his problem. I wonder if that was around the same time someone googled ladyinred62?
who does he think he is?
how can he have the nerve?
the man is insane
does he have a brain ?
I just checked my mail on a different account.
when I logged on there was an offline message
from N!!!!!!!
considering that his last message was talking about defamation of character.
he wont be getting any answer at all
the bloody cheek
what did he say?
'whats your mobile number babe? I lost it'
quite harmless .......yes I know
I have two mobiles he knows that and has both numbers.
can be most annoying when he sends same text to both phones to make sure i get it. If he has lost either or both my numbers thats his problem. I wonder if that was around the same time someone googled ladyinred62?
Paranoid
I have a tendency to get paranoid.
If I am driving,I start to get paranoid when the car behind me takes the same turnings as me more than once. The longer it goes on the worse my imagination gets. Sometimes I think I am being followed because I abscent mindedly did something wrong in my driving. Other times I think its my ex husband having me followed. All stupid and I get such a feeling of relief when the other vehicle goes a different way or on the motorway goes past me. when I was travelling to Blah there was a recovery vehicle that pulled out everytime I did, then pulled in again everytime I did until eventually they overtook me. This must have gone on for all of 5 minutes but felt more like an hour.
today I feel sad, today I feel unloved, today I feel there must be something wrong with me. I know it is me being paranoid again. Why do I feel like this. 24hrs ago I was happy. 24hrs ago I was in the arms of a man who has made me happy even when I have felt ill for the past 10 days. (Dr says its viral and may take another 2 weeks before I am feeling better). Since leaving my side this man who has made me happy, has barely managed to do more than send a text telling me that sleep is good for me. I know I am being impatient. He has work, family and others in his life. I am not his top priority. I had got used to the sleep well text each night and the how are you this morning text. What has happened to those?
It now seems that maybe I should just shut myself off. recently I had an encounter with another man who just cut himself off after. different situation, different man, different feelings, different hopes. Same result........... thin air.....ok not quite thin air
I have been getting too introspective, looking for reasons where perhaps there are none. Is it me? is it my home (I know I have not touched it while im ill). Did I say something? did I not say something I should have done? Did I let things go too far, or not far enough? Maybe I should have left things as they were. I was happy with our friendship as it was.
why has this happened recently, even Oxo has taken 2 weeks to make any contact with me since we last met. There is one man I can rely on but its probably best I dont invite him round until I am better. right now Mr Passionate would break me in two.
If I am driving,I start to get paranoid when the car behind me takes the same turnings as me more than once. The longer it goes on the worse my imagination gets. Sometimes I think I am being followed because I abscent mindedly did something wrong in my driving. Other times I think its my ex husband having me followed. All stupid and I get such a feeling of relief when the other vehicle goes a different way or on the motorway goes past me. when I was travelling to Blah there was a recovery vehicle that pulled out everytime I did, then pulled in again everytime I did until eventually they overtook me. This must have gone on for all of 5 minutes but felt more like an hour.
today I feel sad, today I feel unloved, today I feel there must be something wrong with me. I know it is me being paranoid again. Why do I feel like this. 24hrs ago I was happy. 24hrs ago I was in the arms of a man who has made me happy even when I have felt ill for the past 10 days. (Dr says its viral and may take another 2 weeks before I am feeling better). Since leaving my side this man who has made me happy, has barely managed to do more than send a text telling me that sleep is good for me. I know I am being impatient. He has work, family and others in his life. I am not his top priority. I had got used to the sleep well text each night and the how are you this morning text. What has happened to those?
It now seems that maybe I should just shut myself off. recently I had an encounter with another man who just cut himself off after. different situation, different man, different feelings, different hopes. Same result........... thin air.....ok not quite thin air
I have been getting too introspective, looking for reasons where perhaps there are none. Is it me? is it my home (I know I have not touched it while im ill). Did I say something? did I not say something I should have done? Did I let things go too far, or not far enough? Maybe I should have left things as they were. I was happy with our friendship as it was.
why has this happened recently, even Oxo has taken 2 weeks to make any contact with me since we last met. There is one man I can rely on but its probably best I dont invite him round until I am better. right now Mr Passionate would break me in two.
Tuesday 15 May 2007
A little TLC goes a long way
It's amazing what some TLC from the right person can do.
Now I'm exhausted so I'm going for a sleep
;-D
Now I'm exhausted so I'm going for a sleep
;-D
Monday 14 May 2007
not posting
I know it is unusual for me not to post at least once most days. The truth is that I have very little to post and even less enthusiasm. I have not even been reading or commenting on other blogs much either.
last friday I went into my new bank and the fruad problem is being sorted.
later today I have an appointment with my dr.
that just leaves me with the small matter of an eviction notice deal with.
right now and how appropriate my pc is blasting out the dulcet tones of Gloria Gaynor - I will Survive
last friday I went into my new bank and the fruad problem is being sorted.
later today I have an appointment with my dr.
that just leaves me with the small matter of an eviction notice deal with.
right now and how appropriate my pc is blasting out the dulcet tones of Gloria Gaynor - I will Survive
Friday 11 May 2007
It was only
After such a dismal week it is time to post something a little more cheerful!!
It was only meant to be a chat
Yes we did have a chat
Quite a long chat even
Punctuated by a kiss here a kiss there
A hand on leg
A soft finger removing a stray hair from breast
Soon it was obvious
Hands would be roaming
Time to find somewhere else
Lying there gazing at each other
Enjoying the pleasure in each other’s eyes
The soft moans of pleasure that escaped our lips
All notion of time has escaped
All too soon though it is time to go home
We kiss goodbye
Will there be more ?
It was only meant to be a chat
Yes we did have a chat
Quite a long chat even
Punctuated by a kiss here a kiss there
A hand on leg
A soft finger removing a stray hair from breast
Soon it was obvious
Hands would be roaming
Time to find somewhere else
Lying there gazing at each other
Enjoying the pleasure in each other’s eyes
The soft moans of pleasure that escaped our lips
All notion of time has escaped
All too soon though it is time to go home
We kiss goodbye
Will there be more ?
Thursday 10 May 2007
can it get any worse I wonder
I am feeling much more myself today but I still had to put off a much wanted visitor as my strength is so poor. I could barely stand long enough for my shower. We agreed to wait until I am feeling stronger. I managed to get #4 to school then went to cash point at local co-op. couldnt believe my account was several 100 over my overdraft limit. I was horrified. Then this morning my bank phoned me. It seems someone has been making cash withdrawls from ATM machines in Romania!!!!
Romania !!!! I have not been to bloody Romania...........I haven't been out of this country for a few years ..................I've barely been out of bed let alone out this house for days. The bank are putting a note on my account but I need to ge to the banch to sort it out.
Romania !!!! I have not been to bloody Romania...........I haven't been out of this country for a few years ..................I've barely been out of bed let alone out this house for days. The bank are putting a note on my account but I need to ge to the banch to sort it out.
Wednesday 9 May 2007
feeling better
just to let you know
I am feeling much better from the HRT problem
Now I have flu probably because I let myself get run down. My mum often worries that I put my kids first but dont look after myself. I know she is right. I have a tendency to make sure they have enough to eat but don't bother to feed myself properly.....but isn't that what its like when you are a single mum with not enough money to go round.
I am feeling much better from the HRT problem
Now I have flu probably because I let myself get run down. My mum often worries that I put my kids first but dont look after myself. I know she is right. I have a tendency to make sure they have enough to eat but don't bother to feed myself properly.....but isn't that what its like when you are a single mum with not enough money to go round.
HRT
I am now feeling better quite weak but much better.
Why am I taking HRT ?
in 2001 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer I had tumour the size of an orange. Too big to operate they told me. So I had radiothereapy every day for 6 weeks. Folowed 2 months later by 3 days of internal radiotherapy. Not something I would recommend if you can avoid it. In september 2001 I was given the all clear. This was the start of many hospital checkups, menapause clinics etc. I was given eostrogen and testosterone implants every 6 months. Each time I had an appointment I was asked about my libido....I had none. they kept telling me that I should be getting lots of sex as this will help to keep my cervix open. I wasnt interested...I put this down to not wanting sex with my husband.
in february 2005 I was given progesterone tablets to take as well. At first I thought I was dying, I felt like I was in labour. I phoned my consultant and was told to phone my GP. but within days those problems disappeared. I became hyper. hardly eating or sleeping. constantly on the go (totally out of character for me) my mother tells me it wore her out just watching me. #1 son said it was like I was on uppers. I was sleeping for no more than 10 minutes at a time. felt about 20 years younger. the worst thing though was feeling totally aroused for 4 days with nothing I could do to relieve it. there was no way I was going to tell my husband. this went on for about three weeks then I crashed. I was at work suddenly felt like I was either going to fall asleep or throw up so I went home to bed. gradually my sleep pattern improved. soon I was sleeping for as much as 4 hours at a time.
It was not long after this that I decided I wanted out of the marriage. My husband (I really should get used to calling him my ex husband) has said since that time that it was the tablets that made me change. He blames the tablets for the break down of our marriage. he is wrong what the tablets did was give me the determination to get out of a marriage that I had never really been happy in. My sex drive suddenly came back along with the realisation that I am a woman not just the frump he had turned me into.
Why am I taking HRT ?
in 2001 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer I had tumour the size of an orange. Too big to operate they told me. So I had radiothereapy every day for 6 weeks. Folowed 2 months later by 3 days of internal radiotherapy. Not something I would recommend if you can avoid it. In september 2001 I was given the all clear. This was the start of many hospital checkups, menapause clinics etc. I was given eostrogen and testosterone implants every 6 months. Each time I had an appointment I was asked about my libido....I had none. they kept telling me that I should be getting lots of sex as this will help to keep my cervix open. I wasnt interested...I put this down to not wanting sex with my husband.
in february 2005 I was given progesterone tablets to take as well. At first I thought I was dying, I felt like I was in labour. I phoned my consultant and was told to phone my GP. but within days those problems disappeared. I became hyper. hardly eating or sleeping. constantly on the go (totally out of character for me) my mother tells me it wore her out just watching me. #1 son said it was like I was on uppers. I was sleeping for no more than 10 minutes at a time. felt about 20 years younger. the worst thing though was feeling totally aroused for 4 days with nothing I could do to relieve it. there was no way I was going to tell my husband. this went on for about three weeks then I crashed. I was at work suddenly felt like I was either going to fall asleep or throw up so I went home to bed. gradually my sleep pattern improved. soon I was sleeping for as much as 4 hours at a time.
It was not long after this that I decided I wanted out of the marriage. My husband (I really should get used to calling him my ex husband) has said since that time that it was the tablets that made me change. He blames the tablets for the break down of our marriage. he is wrong what the tablets did was give me the determination to get out of a marriage that I had never really been happy in. My sex drive suddenly came back along with the realisation that I am a woman not just the frump he had turned me into.
Tuesday 8 May 2007
more pain
On sunday I was in soooo much pain I took myself off to bed early. On monday I was still in pain but the pain killers didnt seem to help. I just about managed to post about how I was feeling as well as have a msn chat with HMU before I took myself back to bed again . If I thought I was in pain on sunday it was nothing compared to monday. I didnt eat all day apart from pain killers every 4 hours. I sent my friend a text telling him that I really need to be held right now, if he was available. The kids were all out I had the house to myself from 11am to 7pm. what a waste of a day just lying in bed wanting to cry I hurt so much. my friend finally text me sleep well x at about 11pm I dont think he had got my text earlier. we then exchanged a few more text.
later something happened that has never happened before. Since taking to my bed I had only left it to go to the bathroom. about 12.30am I was coming back from there when I found myself on the floor. I had collapsed. half through my door. I banged my head on the door and grazed my elbow and knee on the bare floor boards. gradually I worked out where I was and crawled onto my knees that hurt then onto my bed where I just collapsed in a heap.
this morning I am feeling much better but still uncomfortable. It took a huge effort to drag myself out of bed as I was afraid of collapsing again. luckily #4 is poorly so I have not had to take him to school.
later something happened that has never happened before. Since taking to my bed I had only left it to go to the bathroom. about 12.30am I was coming back from there when I found myself on the floor. I had collapsed. half through my door. I banged my head on the door and grazed my elbow and knee on the bare floor boards. gradually I worked out where I was and crawled onto my knees that hurt then onto my bed where I just collapsed in a heap.
this morning I am feeling much better but still uncomfortable. It took a huge effort to drag myself out of bed as I was afraid of collapsing again. luckily #4 is poorly so I have not had to take him to school.
Monday 7 May 2007
thinking about you
I have been thinking about you a lot since last night and our very brief text chat. I can't figure it out.
All these months we have been chatting online. You know so much about me, you put up with my moans about life and men. You listen to my moods. when I am feeling low you tell me I am funny. You have been my confidante. You made it clear you wanted to meet. I ignored your hints to swap mobile numbers. You know all about the men I have seen in the months we have talked. You read my blog so know as much as everyone else only you know more because I tell you more. I didn't know how I would feel if we met. would you still like the person that I am in real life?
When we met it just confirmed for me what a lovely man you are. I couldn't believe you wanted to see me again the next day. It was lovely walking through the woods with you. When you took me in your arms and kissed me, I didn't want it to stop. I knew we didn't have much time I needed to get to the school. I really wanted more time with you but you know that.
It worries me. you are aware that my needs are changing. But are you prepared for that. I know you, like me are single and see other women.
How would you feel if I wanted more from you ?
I so want to see you again but I am so afraid.
All these months we have been chatting online. You know so much about me, you put up with my moans about life and men. You listen to my moods. when I am feeling low you tell me I am funny. You have been my confidante. You made it clear you wanted to meet. I ignored your hints to swap mobile numbers. You know all about the men I have seen in the months we have talked. You read my blog so know as much as everyone else only you know more because I tell you more. I didn't know how I would feel if we met. would you still like the person that I am in real life?
When we met it just confirmed for me what a lovely man you are. I couldn't believe you wanted to see me again the next day. It was lovely walking through the woods with you. When you took me in your arms and kissed me, I didn't want it to stop. I knew we didn't have much time I needed to get to the school. I really wanted more time with you but you know that.
It worries me. you are aware that my needs are changing. But are you prepared for that. I know you, like me are single and see other women.
How would you feel if I wanted more from you ?
I so want to see you again but I am so afraid.
Sunday 6 May 2007
it hurts!!
I am in pain
it really hurts
I can't sit down easily
I constantly want the loo
then it dawns on me
this pain it has been awhile but I know this pain
this craving for chocolate that goes with it
its my own fault
I could have.......should have avoided this pain
If only I had not forgotten
Its my hormone tablets .....routine muddled
not taken them all week
bloody menstral pains
I stopped having these 6 years ago!!!
good thing too .....I alway suffered
never regular.....always painful and long
always caught me by suprise
having cancer treatment does have some benefits
ok pain killers taken soft cushion to sit on
start taking hormone tablets
thats a little better
it really hurts
I can't sit down easily
I constantly want the loo
then it dawns on me
this pain it has been awhile but I know this pain
this craving for chocolate that goes with it
its my own fault
I could have.......should have avoided this pain
If only I had not forgotten
Its my hormone tablets .....routine muddled
not taken them all week
bloody menstral pains
I stopped having these 6 years ago!!!
good thing too .....I alway suffered
never regular.....always painful and long
always caught me by suprise
having cancer treatment does have some benefits
ok pain killers taken soft cushion to sit on
start taking hormone tablets
thats a little better
going to blah
Its friday and I'm going to see the gang again but this time in Blah. I am getting text messages from Waynecoff hes hurt his leg doesnt know if he can drive there. I tell him I will fetch him on the way if he wants. I have two options motorway all the way or go across country. Wayne says he will go on his motorbike if hes able to go so no lift needed. As I can't set off until after the school run I will get caught up in the rush hour. according to google maps it will take me 2hrs 20mins by motorway and 2hrs 50 across country.
3.20pm I have done the important paper work I needed to do, found and ironed the clothes I want to take with me, although I couldn't find the particular red top I wanted then realise its in the dirty laundry basket. Have made an enormous corned beef hash for the boys to have while I'm out. have been shopping so there is plenty of food in the house. my make up bag is in the bathroom. I decide not to put any on until I get to blah. can't decide whether to take a pair of heels or flats, will take both. Pack the car with my bedding and overnight bag. pack of mints and bottle of coke for the journey. 4.05pm text Vi to let her know I'm just leaving. as usual theres a crisis but I forget what it was now. so its 4.20 when I leave. Just reach the motorway when I realise that I didnt follow that age old advice of going to the loo before leaving. I have chosen to take the cross country route. I am relieved when there is nothing on the travel news about the route I am taking but there are hold ups already on the other route. I have said I should arrive 6.30/7.00pm
On route I miss a turning on a ring road and find myself going miles and I mean miles out of my way. Finally manage to get back onto the right route but its already 7pm and I have to go through lots of villages with 30m speed limits. there are speed cameras everywhere. I think they all migrated from across the country just to annoy me. I can't afford another speed fine so must be good. 7.30 Vi text asking how its going. I finally get to hers at 7.45pm she greets me at the door as I hug her and say I need the loo quick!! and Omg Fussy bitch is wearing the same top I brought with me. I won't be wearing that then. I get changed realise make up still in bathroom at home. I'm handed a can of beer which is soon empty. the girls immediately ask me what is he like? I dont need to ask who they are referring to. Middy arrives and princess (aka goro) produces bottle of bubbly. sober photos taken. princess most impressed that Middy's tripod fits her hole! Wayne had text me earlier he isnt coming his leg is too bad. I send him a few drunken text and picture during the evening.
we head off walking into the village I have a vague memory of singing bits of .....hey baby. Middy and Princess are discussing football as I walk with FB this is the first chance we have had to chat one to one. Cant remember what we talked about.
the first pub I dont have a clue which one it is. Barbie is serving just as stunning as her pics. we find a table or two and are joined by Fee and Fifi. at different times in the evening I have talked to both and they are both lovely. Vi chats to a lad who works in the co-op but she assures me not the one who still has a girlfriend. FB manages to throw a chair at him. he leaves then knocks on the window he left his jacket. we all discover that there is no service on our phones. FB and Princess talk about being gemini the four of them have a whale of a time. from now on those two become four!
we set off for the CU where Vi works sometimes. she is set for a row about the rude and unbecoming behaviour of the chef earlier in the day. I'm stood at the bar with princess when I get chatted up by one of the locals. (turns out to be Fifi's boyfriend). I lose all perspective of time through out the night. But I do know that I spend a lot of time going to the loo. must be the unacustomed amount of beer I have been drinking. my bladder thinks its on over time. during the night I have sent a numer of drunken text to several people. Forest I checked my phone earlier sorry for texting you at that time but I meant it even if I was pissed. Vi introduces me to vodka and red bull.....yes I like that! I have no idea what time we got told to leave by a very tall blonde barmaid..they wanted to lock up. I'm sure when we left the pub there were a lot more of us than arrived a Vi's. I vaguely remember walking in not very straight lines with Middy and Princess. I was fine walking but as soon as I sat down when we got inside my head began spinning, everone else was crowding in the kitchen where Vi had a huge pot of chilli. I had been looking forward to this (had hardly eaten all day in fact for several days). It wasn't long before I was in the loo again but this time throwing up. I have no idea how long I was throwing up for but Vi dragged me upstairs to the spare room. I could till hear the banter and laughter from the others. At one point I think I was throwing up again!! I heard shouts of 'Joie, joie' so i knew there was global chat going on. I really wanted to join the others for the rest of the night but sleep was calling. I had warned Vi a few weeks ago that as I rarely drink much, when I do drink I either fall asleep or throw up.
I woke up about 6am just as Middy and FB were looking for somewhere to crash out. Vi was alseep in her room so they went to the kids room. I heard lots of laughter and muttering as I now know Middy was trying to climb into the top bunk. FB later said that men dont normally have that much trouble climbing on top of her! I can hear a phone bleeping with a text. I wander downstairs Princess asleep on one sofa Fee and Crip on the other. I cant see my bag or my phone so go back to bed. My leg is incredibly painful I have no idea why. but after turning over and sleeping again it is fine. about 8am I got cleaned up and changed in the bathroom. some thing flies out of my pocket into the pan. I suddenly realise it can only be my memory stick so have to fish it out and hope the water hasn't got into it. just checked it is ok. another wander downstairs chat to Fee as I get a drink of water and retrieve my phone here are two pink V3's mine and FB's.I find right one theres a text from Wayne are we still up (5.15am). then back to bed again. get up finally when Vi emerges about half hour later. we chat in the kitchen Fee and Crip had just left, Princess wakes and the three of us chat for few hours over mugs of tea and sausage sandwiches. we talk about our own lives and the different blogs we read. finally Middy and FB appear at about midday. I need to head home see if I still have one. going back by motorway this time. still takes me 3 1/4 hrs with road works and speed restrictions!!
Long soak in the bath and a sleep before I feel human again.
Play agony aunt to several bloggers. come to think of it every text I have received today has been from a blogger!
3.20pm I have done the important paper work I needed to do, found and ironed the clothes I want to take with me, although I couldn't find the particular red top I wanted then realise its in the dirty laundry basket. Have made an enormous corned beef hash for the boys to have while I'm out. have been shopping so there is plenty of food in the house. my make up bag is in the bathroom. I decide not to put any on until I get to blah. can't decide whether to take a pair of heels or flats, will take both. Pack the car with my bedding and overnight bag. pack of mints and bottle of coke for the journey. 4.05pm text Vi to let her know I'm just leaving. as usual theres a crisis but I forget what it was now. so its 4.20 when I leave. Just reach the motorway when I realise that I didnt follow that age old advice of going to the loo before leaving. I have chosen to take the cross country route. I am relieved when there is nothing on the travel news about the route I am taking but there are hold ups already on the other route. I have said I should arrive 6.30/7.00pm
On route I miss a turning on a ring road and find myself going miles and I mean miles out of my way. Finally manage to get back onto the right route but its already 7pm and I have to go through lots of villages with 30m speed limits. there are speed cameras everywhere. I think they all migrated from across the country just to annoy me. I can't afford another speed fine so must be good. 7.30 Vi text asking how its going. I finally get to hers at 7.45pm she greets me at the door as I hug her and say I need the loo quick!! and Omg Fussy bitch is wearing the same top I brought with me. I won't be wearing that then. I get changed realise make up still in bathroom at home. I'm handed a can of beer which is soon empty. the girls immediately ask me what is he like? I dont need to ask who they are referring to. Middy arrives and princess (aka goro) produces bottle of bubbly. sober photos taken. princess most impressed that Middy's tripod fits her hole! Wayne had text me earlier he isnt coming his leg is too bad. I send him a few drunken text and picture during the evening.
we head off walking into the village I have a vague memory of singing bits of .....hey baby. Middy and Princess are discussing football as I walk with FB this is the first chance we have had to chat one to one. Cant remember what we talked about.
the first pub I dont have a clue which one it is. Barbie is serving just as stunning as her pics. we find a table or two and are joined by Fee and Fifi. at different times in the evening I have talked to both and they are both lovely. Vi chats to a lad who works in the co-op but she assures me not the one who still has a girlfriend. FB manages to throw a chair at him. he leaves then knocks on the window he left his jacket. we all discover that there is no service on our phones. FB and Princess talk about being gemini the four of them have a whale of a time. from now on those two become four!
we set off for the CU where Vi works sometimes. she is set for a row about the rude and unbecoming behaviour of the chef earlier in the day. I'm stood at the bar with princess when I get chatted up by one of the locals. (turns out to be Fifi's boyfriend). I lose all perspective of time through out the night. But I do know that I spend a lot of time going to the loo. must be the unacustomed amount of beer I have been drinking. my bladder thinks its on over time. during the night I have sent a numer of drunken text to several people. Forest I checked my phone earlier sorry for texting you at that time but I meant it even if I was pissed. Vi introduces me to vodka and red bull.....yes I like that! I have no idea what time we got told to leave by a very tall blonde barmaid..they wanted to lock up. I'm sure when we left the pub there were a lot more of us than arrived a Vi's. I vaguely remember walking in not very straight lines with Middy and Princess. I was fine walking but as soon as I sat down when we got inside my head began spinning, everone else was crowding in the kitchen where Vi had a huge pot of chilli. I had been looking forward to this (had hardly eaten all day in fact for several days). It wasn't long before I was in the loo again but this time throwing up. I have no idea how long I was throwing up for but Vi dragged me upstairs to the spare room. I could till hear the banter and laughter from the others. At one point I think I was throwing up again!! I heard shouts of 'Joie, joie' so i knew there was global chat going on. I really wanted to join the others for the rest of the night but sleep was calling. I had warned Vi a few weeks ago that as I rarely drink much, when I do drink I either fall asleep or throw up.
I woke up about 6am just as Middy and FB were looking for somewhere to crash out. Vi was alseep in her room so they went to the kids room. I heard lots of laughter and muttering as I now know Middy was trying to climb into the top bunk. FB later said that men dont normally have that much trouble climbing on top of her! I can hear a phone bleeping with a text. I wander downstairs Princess asleep on one sofa Fee and Crip on the other. I cant see my bag or my phone so go back to bed. My leg is incredibly painful I have no idea why. but after turning over and sleeping again it is fine. about 8am I got cleaned up and changed in the bathroom. some thing flies out of my pocket into the pan. I suddenly realise it can only be my memory stick so have to fish it out and hope the water hasn't got into it. just checked it is ok. another wander downstairs chat to Fee as I get a drink of water and retrieve my phone here are two pink V3's mine and FB's.I find right one theres a text from Wayne are we still up (5.15am). then back to bed again. get up finally when Vi emerges about half hour later. we chat in the kitchen Fee and Crip had just left, Princess wakes and the three of us chat for few hours over mugs of tea and sausage sandwiches. we talk about our own lives and the different blogs we read. finally Middy and FB appear at about midday. I need to head home see if I still have one. going back by motorway this time. still takes me 3 1/4 hrs with road works and speed restrictions!!
Long soak in the bath and a sleep before I feel human again.
Play agony aunt to several bloggers. come to think of it every text I have received today has been from a blogger!
Friday 4 May 2007
what have I given birth to?
yesterday when I was sat in the sun watching the ducks chatting to my friend I got a call from #2. could I please take him and his mate to county cricket ground after school run. I agree to this, but I wasnt prepared for the converstions the three of us would have on the next two journeys. First #2 is berating the exam system. He is about to take his GCSE's. predicted A's and A*s. He has just had the results of his latest module in maths which goes towards the final result. He and one other boy have had 100% in every module neither has dropped a single point throughout. That is very good and he is congratulated. But this is not good enough for him. He knows he will get A* for his maths. He is going to do double maths at college then a maths degree when he goes to uni. NO he thinks he should get A**. why should students who do well but drop points get the same as the students who do not drop any points. They should get more recognition.
Later I collect the lads. I have had to wait for them as they had stayed behind to collect a few autographs. When they eventually appear he is on his high horse again! This time its about wierdos and paedophiles. What on earth has happened? has he been approached by a pervert. Not very likely he is a big lad (underactive thyroid). No his problem is other autograph hunters. He thinks that only kids should be autograph hunters as the kids look up to the players. People who are older than the players are weirdos and perverts. something about them looking like paedophiles. We then discuss what a paedophile looks like. I think he has some misconceptions and explain that they look like anyone else. I end up telling my son he is a snob. In my car I tend to have the radio on most of the time. The news comes on as we are travelling on the motorway.He notices that a 16yr old has been knifed by another 16yr old. Now he is on his soap box again. This time about youths only ever getting bad press. Why can the news never be about youths that have done something good. Why do all old people think all young people are bad except their own grandchilden who can do no wrong. I challenge him to do something news worthy to show that not all teenagers are bad.
I know my son is clever and opinonated, but never has he come out with so much in so short a time.
Later I collect the lads. I have had to wait for them as they had stayed behind to collect a few autographs. When they eventually appear he is on his high horse again! This time its about wierdos and paedophiles. What on earth has happened? has he been approached by a pervert. Not very likely he is a big lad (underactive thyroid). No his problem is other autograph hunters. He thinks that only kids should be autograph hunters as the kids look up to the players. People who are older than the players are weirdos and perverts. something about them looking like paedophiles. We then discuss what a paedophile looks like. I think he has some misconceptions and explain that they look like anyone else. I end up telling my son he is a snob. In my car I tend to have the radio on most of the time. The news comes on as we are travelling on the motorway.He notices that a 16yr old has been knifed by another 16yr old. Now he is on his soap box again. This time about youths only ever getting bad press. Why can the news never be about youths that have done something good. Why do all old people think all young people are bad except their own grandchilden who can do no wrong. I challenge him to do something news worthy to show that not all teenagers are bad.
I know my son is clever and opinonated, but never has he come out with so much in so short a time.
walk in the woods
He saw them walking down the gravel path towards the duck ponds, she is short with wavy dark hair wearing a loose white top over a lurid pink mini skirt and flip flops that make that flipping sound as she walks. The man is much taller with short brown hair, jeans and black t-shirt. They are laughing and holding hands. They stop by the railings gazing down at the stagnant water where a fallen tree trunk is preventing the water from flowing over the stepping stones down to the next level and the next pond. They chat pointing at things they see then he takes her in his arms and kisses her. She reaches up and kisses him back with her arms around his neck. They kiss for an age before moving off along the path still chatting nineteen to the dozen. They stop again and kiss some more then they head off the main path along a smaller trail leading into the trees. He follows keeping his distance. They stop again the man bends his head down to hers kissing her bright pink lips. Their passions are rising and a trail of moisture is trickling down the inside of her leg. From his hiding place he can just see where the sun is shining on her moisture as it slowly creeps down from under the hem of her skirt. She is standing with her legs apart pulling him down to her. She clings to him as she softly moans into his chest as another trickle of moisture appears on her leg. They giggle as his hand finds the hem of her skirt and disappears. The man finds her wet panties and she giggles again. Before setting off again, arm in arm back to their cars. She has to collect her child from school. He kisses her goodbye and they go their separate ways.
The next afternoon he sees her arrive at the same place. But wait she is with a different man this one is shorter, in jeans and a blue t-shirt. Today she is wearing her black mini skirt with an orange top. She likes her bright colours, likes to be noticed. They chat as they walk. The man helps her across the stepping stones, before they continue along the path settling for a bench in the sun where they sit watching the ducks as they chat. He can’t hear what they are saying, this couple he watches but he sees them smile and turn to each other their faces just inches apart. This is where they will kiss, but they don’t, she turns away and they continue to chat. He sees her answer her phone, this isn’t it. They chat again. A few more minutes of chatting and she picks up her phone flips it open, quickly shuts it then opens it again. This is what he has been waiting for, her signal.
He leaves his hiding place and makes his way to the path a little way from them. He begins to run, runs towards them, the couple look up startled at the footsteps, she screams, he is puzzled.
It’s my husband she screeches, run before he gets here. The man runs off just in time to hear the angry voices.
I knew I would find you here you dirty whore, you can’t stop yourself can you?
What do you expect you are never home
Once the man is out of view she grabs his hand and they run off into the trees.
He leads her to his hiding place where he has made a nest for her. He lays her down on his coat and strips her black lace panties from her thighs. Already he can see the glistening dampness between her legs. He turns her over onto her knees tying her wrists to a nearby tree trunk he had earlier dragged into position. He lifts her skirt and slaps her arse. He stops to admire the red print of his fingers on her skin. Leaning over her shoulder he tells her, how much she is adored this slut of his. He had promised her that today she would not return from her walk in the woods frustrated.
Today she would feel the fingers of her man in her cunt as he probed and rubbed in just the way she loves. As he feels her release her juice he lowers his head so that he can lick her lapping up her wetness. Today she would know what it feels like to be fucked from behind as she is tied to the tree. He balls up her silk scarf he had been carrying in his pocket, slipping it between her lips to help her stay silent. He couldn’t let her go home frustrated again. It was a good idea of hers to pretend he was her husband. If he was her husband he wouldn’t let her out to meet all these other men. He wonders how she would feel if she knew the plans he had for her at his house. Her collar and lead, the whip with its red leather handle. Matching wrist and ankle straps ready for her to try out. How would she react to the clover leaf nipple clamps. This was a start anyway she had allowed him to tie her wrists so readily. He had seen the spurt of moisture when she had realised what he was doing.
He licked his lips hungrily at last he could taste her!
The next afternoon he sees her arrive at the same place. But wait she is with a different man this one is shorter, in jeans and a blue t-shirt. Today she is wearing her black mini skirt with an orange top. She likes her bright colours, likes to be noticed. They chat as they walk. The man helps her across the stepping stones, before they continue along the path settling for a bench in the sun where they sit watching the ducks as they chat. He can’t hear what they are saying, this couple he watches but he sees them smile and turn to each other their faces just inches apart. This is where they will kiss, but they don’t, she turns away and they continue to chat. He sees her answer her phone, this isn’t it. They chat again. A few more minutes of chatting and she picks up her phone flips it open, quickly shuts it then opens it again. This is what he has been waiting for, her signal.
He leaves his hiding place and makes his way to the path a little way from them. He begins to run, runs towards them, the couple look up startled at the footsteps, she screams, he is puzzled.
It’s my husband she screeches, run before he gets here. The man runs off just in time to hear the angry voices.
I knew I would find you here you dirty whore, you can’t stop yourself can you?
What do you expect you are never home
Once the man is out of view she grabs his hand and they run off into the trees.
He leads her to his hiding place where he has made a nest for her. He lays her down on his coat and strips her black lace panties from her thighs. Already he can see the glistening dampness between her legs. He turns her over onto her knees tying her wrists to a nearby tree trunk he had earlier dragged into position. He lifts her skirt and slaps her arse. He stops to admire the red print of his fingers on her skin. Leaning over her shoulder he tells her, how much she is adored this slut of his. He had promised her that today she would not return from her walk in the woods frustrated.
Today she would feel the fingers of her man in her cunt as he probed and rubbed in just the way she loves. As he feels her release her juice he lowers his head so that he can lick her lapping up her wetness. Today she would know what it feels like to be fucked from behind as she is tied to the tree. He balls up her silk scarf he had been carrying in his pocket, slipping it between her lips to help her stay silent. He couldn’t let her go home frustrated again. It was a good idea of hers to pretend he was her husband. If he was her husband he wouldn’t let her out to meet all these other men. He wonders how she would feel if she knew the plans he had for her at his house. Her collar and lead, the whip with its red leather handle. Matching wrist and ankle straps ready for her to try out. How would she react to the clover leaf nipple clamps. This was a start anyway she had allowed him to tie her wrists so readily. He had seen the spurt of moisture when she had realised what he was doing.
He licked his lips hungrily at last he could taste her!
Thursday 3 May 2007
defamation !!
last night when I came online I found this offline message waiting for me I had been considering opening my blog again as I had heard nothing from him for a while. But now I have decided to keep it as it is for the moment.
N said:
what about the necklace i got you where is that i nearly forgot, the one with 3 hearts in it,
N said:
ohh bye the way what you were doing to me on that blog was defamation of character, if you dont know what it means , ask your mum cause apperently you can be charged and put away for that, in the dictionary it says ( to spread information by unfavourable report) and that is exactly what u did, so watch out, and the necklace and 20-30 quid asap
ladyinred said:
I offered you the necklace back you said you didnt want it I should keep it
N said:
what about the necklace i got you where is that i nearly forgot, the one with 3 hearts in it,
N said:
ohh bye the way what you were doing to me on that blog was defamation of character, if you dont know what it means , ask your mum cause apperently you can be charged and put away for that, in the dictionary it says ( to spread information by unfavourable report) and that is exactly what u did, so watch out, and the necklace and 20-30 quid asap
ladyinred said:
I offered you the necklace back you said you didnt want it I should keep it
I am not going to dignify this with a reply other than that shown above. He obviously doesn't understand the concept of giving gifts. Although I had made it clear before the event I did not want him to spend money on me. There is nothing in this blog for him to get steamed up over. nothing that willentify him and everything I have said has been my feelings nothing more.
busy or not
I have had several conversations in the last 24 hours or so about how busy I am.
Mostly I am busy on msn, text or email. Although I chat to a lot of guys and most of them want to get me into bed. My sexual life isnt as busy as it seems. yes there are lots of guys wanting to see me but it isnt turning out that I am having sex all over the place as it perhaps seems. I have been doing some thinking about this and decided its time to have a clear out.
1)Mr Passionate mmmmm lovely I may have only seen him 2x this year but we are hoping to get together next week there is no way I'm saying no to him :-)
2) foxy (SL) my partner ....hes got his own things going on and we have not had sex together at all this year in fact we have only seen each other 2x with others.......I'm going to let that one drop unless he decides to make more of an effort. Sad we were good together
3)My Knight my my adorable dearest man it is proving difficult to get time together but it will happen
4) Gordon my other partner.......I'm not sure hes really for me. The distance I think is too great for us to get together often, hes also very pushy but very limited to times he can play ie early evening until 7.30ish. I have arranged to see him next thursday But I may call it a day. He desperately wants us to have group fun but if I am not sure of him myself how can I sell the idea of him to others. I have just read some messages for us from another couple and I just felt it was wrong I cant answer the messages I have no inclination to do so. I know when I get online in the morning I shall have some instructions from him about answering the messages.
5)Dark Master we have not met yet, there have been text and im conversations even telephone calls. but each time we agree to meet one of us cancels. I have not been sure about this set up anyway. Now contact is becoming more and more sporadic I think he is going to be another one that I say good bye to.
6) Lotto I met lotto about a month or so ago. I was suffering from a bad headache at the time. Yes I did like him but although he was sat facing me on the seat he was moving further away so I felt he didnt really want to be there. Speaking to him a few weeks later he told me that he really fancied me and wanted to do lots more than just chat. He wanted to see me again, he wants me to go to his place so we can act out a fantasy of his. He doesnt seem to be all that bothered about arranging when to see me again. He has told me he has cancelled his membership of the website and hes only interested in me but then says he must reiterate hes not looking for a relationship. I dont think he knows what he wants. I dont think he has seen anyone else since his divorce. I think this one is a slow burner. Not sure what to do maybe flip a coin?
7) Chief met him a few weeks ago much younger, fit in both senses of the word. he wants to see me again, but last night all he kept on about apart from really wanting to fuck me again. he desperately wants me to organise some group sex with him. He was very insistent on this. If this is the only thing he wants although he says not, he can go swing , fit or not. I hadn't heard from him since a few days after the last time we met. But he says hes been away on holiday.
8)JJ he had decided he couldnt see me after all as he has been seeing someone for about 6 months (about as long as we have been chatting)and it seems more serious than he had thought. but suddenly hes deciding shes not what he wants for a long term relationship. so he does want to see me now. although each time I am free hes with her. Its make up your mind time for him. If he doesnt put his words into action he will be relegated to friend only.
9) Oxo I have met him a couple of times in the last few weeks. I have not really blogged about him. I like him and the sex is good but I think he will soon have me bored to tears. I shall probably see him a few more times but not many .......he isnt local either which is a bind especially as I left my sunglasses in his car and had to buy new ones.
10) Forest forest is my blue eyed friend who I have been chatting to for about 6 months and finally met on tuesday and again on wednesday. we will be seeing more of each other. I think I was afraid of meeting him because I enjoyed his friendship although I have know all the time that he really wanted to meet me but never pushed it.
11) mystery visitor mmm well it was very nice having my visitor last week. Logistically it isnt going to be a regular thing but it may not be the last time he visits.
I think what I am aiming for here is as before just a few regular lovers, only my current lovers have not been very regular of late. Maybe the coming months will see a change in this. so my conclusion I shall still see Mr Passionate, my Knight, Oxo few more times and Forest. With the possible additions of one or more out of JJ, Lotto or chief. my gut feeling is that out of those three, JJ is the most likely if he gets his act together.
update
I spoke to JJ this afternoonan told him its make up your mind time. we both had a couple of spare hours this afternoon so we decided to meet up for a chat to see if we both want to take this any further. We had a nice walk and chatted sitting on a bench in the sun watching the ducks on the nearby pond. He does want to see me again. I have told him to give it some thought and let me know as I am having a clear out he understands.
I have emailed Gordon and text Dark master to give them the bad news.
Mostly I am busy on msn, text or email. Although I chat to a lot of guys and most of them want to get me into bed. My sexual life isnt as busy as it seems. yes there are lots of guys wanting to see me but it isnt turning out that I am having sex all over the place as it perhaps seems. I have been doing some thinking about this and decided its time to have a clear out.
1)Mr Passionate mmmmm lovely I may have only seen him 2x this year but we are hoping to get together next week there is no way I'm saying no to him :-)
2) foxy (SL) my partner ....hes got his own things going on and we have not had sex together at all this year in fact we have only seen each other 2x with others.......I'm going to let that one drop unless he decides to make more of an effort. Sad we were good together
3)My Knight my my adorable dearest man it is proving difficult to get time together but it will happen
4) Gordon my other partner.......I'm not sure hes really for me. The distance I think is too great for us to get together often, hes also very pushy but very limited to times he can play ie early evening until 7.30ish. I have arranged to see him next thursday But I may call it a day. He desperately wants us to have group fun but if I am not sure of him myself how can I sell the idea of him to others. I have just read some messages for us from another couple and I just felt it was wrong I cant answer the messages I have no inclination to do so. I know when I get online in the morning I shall have some instructions from him about answering the messages.
5)Dark Master we have not met yet, there have been text and im conversations even telephone calls. but each time we agree to meet one of us cancels. I have not been sure about this set up anyway. Now contact is becoming more and more sporadic I think he is going to be another one that I say good bye to.
6) Lotto I met lotto about a month or so ago. I was suffering from a bad headache at the time. Yes I did like him but although he was sat facing me on the seat he was moving further away so I felt he didnt really want to be there. Speaking to him a few weeks later he told me that he really fancied me and wanted to do lots more than just chat. He wanted to see me again, he wants me to go to his place so we can act out a fantasy of his. He doesnt seem to be all that bothered about arranging when to see me again. He has told me he has cancelled his membership of the website and hes only interested in me but then says he must reiterate hes not looking for a relationship. I dont think he knows what he wants. I dont think he has seen anyone else since his divorce. I think this one is a slow burner. Not sure what to do maybe flip a coin?
7) Chief met him a few weeks ago much younger, fit in both senses of the word. he wants to see me again, but last night all he kept on about apart from really wanting to fuck me again. he desperately wants me to organise some group sex with him. He was very insistent on this. If this is the only thing he wants although he says not, he can go swing , fit or not. I hadn't heard from him since a few days after the last time we met. But he says hes been away on holiday.
8)JJ he had decided he couldnt see me after all as he has been seeing someone for about 6 months (about as long as we have been chatting)and it seems more serious than he had thought. but suddenly hes deciding shes not what he wants for a long term relationship. so he does want to see me now. although each time I am free hes with her. Its make up your mind time for him. If he doesnt put his words into action he will be relegated to friend only.
9) Oxo I have met him a couple of times in the last few weeks. I have not really blogged about him. I like him and the sex is good but I think he will soon have me bored to tears. I shall probably see him a few more times but not many .......he isnt local either which is a bind especially as I left my sunglasses in his car and had to buy new ones.
10) Forest forest is my blue eyed friend who I have been chatting to for about 6 months and finally met on tuesday and again on wednesday. we will be seeing more of each other. I think I was afraid of meeting him because I enjoyed his friendship although I have know all the time that he really wanted to meet me but never pushed it.
11) mystery visitor mmm well it was very nice having my visitor last week. Logistically it isnt going to be a regular thing but it may not be the last time he visits.
I think what I am aiming for here is as before just a few regular lovers, only my current lovers have not been very regular of late. Maybe the coming months will see a change in this. so my conclusion I shall still see Mr Passionate, my Knight, Oxo few more times and Forest. With the possible additions of one or more out of JJ, Lotto or chief. my gut feeling is that out of those three, JJ is the most likely if he gets his act together.
update
I spoke to JJ this afternoonan told him its make up your mind time. we both had a couple of spare hours this afternoon so we decided to meet up for a chat to see if we both want to take this any further. We had a nice walk and chatted sitting on a bench in the sun watching the ducks on the nearby pond. He does want to see me again. I have told him to give it some thought and let me know as I am having a clear out he understands.
I have emailed Gordon and text Dark master to give them the bad news.
lovely suprise
What a lovely surprise. I was sat here waiting for my knight not knowing if he would arrive. It all depends how long his business meeting lasts. Sometimes he is finished by 12.00 and could be at my place in 15 minutes giving us 2 1/2hrs before my teenage boys get home from school. But other times like last week he isn’t finished until 2.30pm which is no good. He checked with me on Monday that I am still available on Wednesday lunchtime. I confirmed that I was. We have not spoken since as he was busy the rest of the day and I was out yesterday. By the time it got to 1.30pm I realised that if he didn’t arrive in the next few minutes he wouldn’t be coming. There would not be enough time to make it worth while. He feels that our lust for each other is so great and it has been so long since we last met that an hour would not be enough to scratch the surface of our needs. I was starting to feel fed up and even a little tearful, not helped by the niggling headache I had had all morning. I wrote my dearest man an email telling him my thoughts of the last hours.
My mobile had been silent all morning and no matter how many times I picked it up it just wouldn’t do anything, no calls and no text. But suddenly it sprang to life
I presume the lady is being serviced well by her knight and that gazing into the deep blue again will have to wait for another time
The lady is sat alone
Oh no is there time for me to get to you before school x
Do you fancy a walk I need some air
40 minutes later I stepped from my car at the local beauty spot I had chosen to find him already there. He certainly hadn’t wasted any time as he lives 40 minutes drive away.
We spent the next hour wandering along woodland paths holding hands stopping every now and again looking out across one of the many ponds, kissing, chatting. My headache vanished with the first kisses. More wandering along more paths, we found ourselves in a more secluded part of the wood and the kisses became more passionate, he didn’t have to do anything more than kiss me and let his hands wander over my back and ass, I could feel the spasms deep inside me and the wetness seep from me. The nearer his hands got to the hem of my skirt I was thinking that at any moment he is going to notice that I am wet with anticipation. I felt the drip travel down the inside of my leg then his hand was there and another spasm as I hid my face in his chest. Him, holding me close with one hand and delving under my skirt with the other. Mmmmmm how cruel, that I only had a few minutes before heading back to my car in time for the school run.
As I said yesterday this is one friendship which will never be the same again. We have promised to see each other again and soon. The text messages have gone back and forth since returning home.
My mobile had been silent all morning and no matter how many times I picked it up it just wouldn’t do anything, no calls and no text. But suddenly it sprang to life
I presume the lady is being serviced well by her knight and that gazing into the deep blue again will have to wait for another time
The lady is sat alone
Oh no is there time for me to get to you before school x
Do you fancy a walk I need some air
40 minutes later I stepped from my car at the local beauty spot I had chosen to find him already there. He certainly hadn’t wasted any time as he lives 40 minutes drive away.
We spent the next hour wandering along woodland paths holding hands stopping every now and again looking out across one of the many ponds, kissing, chatting. My headache vanished with the first kisses. More wandering along more paths, we found ourselves in a more secluded part of the wood and the kisses became more passionate, he didn’t have to do anything more than kiss me and let his hands wander over my back and ass, I could feel the spasms deep inside me and the wetness seep from me. The nearer his hands got to the hem of my skirt I was thinking that at any moment he is going to notice that I am wet with anticipation. I felt the drip travel down the inside of my leg then his hand was there and another spasm as I hid my face in his chest. Him, holding me close with one hand and delving under my skirt with the other. Mmmmmm how cruel, that I only had a few minutes before heading back to my car in time for the school run.
As I said yesterday this is one friendship which will never be the same again. We have promised to see each other again and soon. The text messages have gone back and forth since returning home.
Wednesday 2 May 2007
Risks
I was going to reply to some of the comments about my dilemma. But decided to do a new post instead.
Risks hmmm throughout my life I have been pretty shy (you might find that hard to believe considering the content of my blog). But even when I was at school if anything had to be done and none of my friends were brave enough it would always be me that would take the plunge and do or say it. I always considered that odd. My friends were much more lively than me but I was the brave one even if I was the quietest.
I always felt like the wallflower at parties and discos the one that nobody noticed. Oh I had my fair share of boyfriends. I can remember someone saying to me once when I was about 23
you don't have a very happy love lifebut it is certainly interesting.
I think she was right there. I was the one who went on holiday alone after I ended my engagement and came home involved with a married man. I was the one who had to have her work calls screened by reception because a mad wife was making threats.
Then I stopped taking risks. I didnt want to get hurt anymore so I opted to marry a man I didnt love. If I didnt give him my heart he couldnt hurt me. 19 years I bumbled along not really living.
Then I got cancer and decided this was my wake up call. I was given a second chance to start living again. I took a couple of years getting my strength back then I made my decision. I am a woman and I needed to remember that. I am not just a nobody who can be taken for granted. I decided that finally I was over my broken heart and I wantd to live again. I knew that my decision would mean that I would be taking risks. I accepted that I would get hurt again it is all part and parcel of being alive. If we dont have the hurt how can we appeciate the good things in life.
A couple of months ago I took a risk which I blogged about on here. I took a risk sending an email to a man I had strong feelings for. He was having guilt pangs about seeing me. I really wanted to carry on seeing him but would understand if he felt he couldn't. I was expectng him to say he would not see me. when his reply came I didnt want to read it because I was convinced it would not be the answer I wanted. I was wrong! he did want to see me still. So I had taken the risk and it paid off. Or so it seemed. But in reality what he wanted and what he was prepared to do were two different things. Eventually I found that I couldn't cope with the situation any longer and I ended it myself.
I am not above taking risks and I agree with those of you who have said so......taking risks can make you feel alive. But it would be stupid to just take on every risk. I have to assess each risk to decide if this is one I am prepared to take.
Risks hmmm throughout my life I have been pretty shy (you might find that hard to believe considering the content of my blog). But even when I was at school if anything had to be done and none of my friends were brave enough it would always be me that would take the plunge and do or say it. I always considered that odd. My friends were much more lively than me but I was the brave one even if I was the quietest.
I always felt like the wallflower at parties and discos the one that nobody noticed. Oh I had my fair share of boyfriends. I can remember someone saying to me once when I was about 23
you don't have a very happy love lifebut it is certainly interesting.
I think she was right there. I was the one who went on holiday alone after I ended my engagement and came home involved with a married man. I was the one who had to have her work calls screened by reception because a mad wife was making threats.
Then I stopped taking risks. I didnt want to get hurt anymore so I opted to marry a man I didnt love. If I didnt give him my heart he couldnt hurt me. 19 years I bumbled along not really living.
Then I got cancer and decided this was my wake up call. I was given a second chance to start living again. I took a couple of years getting my strength back then I made my decision. I am a woman and I needed to remember that. I am not just a nobody who can be taken for granted. I decided that finally I was over my broken heart and I wantd to live again. I knew that my decision would mean that I would be taking risks. I accepted that I would get hurt again it is all part and parcel of being alive. If we dont have the hurt how can we appeciate the good things in life.
A couple of months ago I took a risk which I blogged about on here. I took a risk sending an email to a man I had strong feelings for. He was having guilt pangs about seeing me. I really wanted to carry on seeing him but would understand if he felt he couldn't. I was expectng him to say he would not see me. when his reply came I didnt want to read it because I was convinced it would not be the answer I wanted. I was wrong! he did want to see me still. So I had taken the risk and it paid off. Or so it seemed. But in reality what he wanted and what he was prepared to do were two different things. Eventually I found that I couldn't cope with the situation any longer and I ended it myself.
I am not above taking risks and I agree with those of you who have said so......taking risks can make you feel alive. But it would be stupid to just take on every risk. I have to assess each risk to decide if this is one I am prepared to take.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
