no desire at all

I had been very hurt by the way things had turned out with C. I loved him so much, I went through so much pain because of that. When I had vowed that enough was enough and I would never see him again I made the decision that I never wanted to be in love again. Some months later I met SF. He was drinking in the pub across the road from my home, we chatted and at the end of the evening I gave him and his friend a lift back to the next town where they lived. First I dropped off his friend then went back with SF to his flat where he offered me a cup of tea. Whilst I was drinking my tea he serenaded me with his guitar. No one had ever done anything like that for me before. He asked me to stay and we ended up in his bed, I was feeling frustrated as I hadn't got a boyfriend at that time and still had a healthy appetite for sex. The next day he phoned me at work to make sure I was alright. Over the next weeks he got into the habit of phoning me in the evening asking if I had eaten and inviting me over for a curry or other meal he was cooking.
Gradually over the next few months I was spending more time at his flat than at my home, not because we were boy/girlfriends but because we had both recently had our hearts broken and wanted someone to come home to each day. It seemed to make sense for me to move in with SF. We spent a lot of time in the pub, I began to drink orange juice most of the time, even then I think I had begun to realise that he drank enough for both of us. Just before Easter I had a miscarriage, by this time we had begun to argue and were not getting on so I went back home to my parents. A week later I returned for a chat, I got more than I bargained for, we ended up sleeping together again!!! I decided that I would not move back in with SF but I did rent a bedsit in the same building. this became more like an expensive dressig room as I kept all my clothes there but spent most of my time at SF's flat or in the pub. 2 months later I discovered that I was pregnant again. I told SF and he told me to get rid of the baby.......I couldnt do that and vowed to bring up my baby by myself. At around this time my parents moved to a different area. Over the next few months my relationship with SF was very up and down, I had no idea whether he would be with me after the baby was born. My baby was due in the winter and I went to stay with my parents while i had the baby, SF came to visit and found himself a job ( he had recently been made redundant). we found a place to live and moved in with our baby. A few years and two children down the line we got married, very low key wedding then home for fish and chips with the kids. I wasnt in love and never had been with SF ( I never wanted to be in love again then I couldnt get hurt). As time passed I found it harder to cope with the amount he drank, he would prefer to be waiting for the pub to open than get there 5 minutes late. If we were short of money the first priority was his drink before the bills. after our second child was born our sex life became almost non existent. we had both put on weight and I had no desire for him at all. It also became more and more apparent that his personal hygeine had slipped, he explained that having a shower more often than every 3 weeks washes away the natural oils and isnt good for you grrrrr. I dont think it has ever occurred to him to wonder if this might have had an adverse effect on his sex life. Try as he might to persuade me I would not give him oral sex. He would be horrified if he only knew what I get upto now. During our marriage I was ridiculed at every opportunity, not allowed to wear nice clothes or make up, I couldnt go out on my own with friends, as I was stuck at home with the children while he was out drinking. After I had recovered from my cancer I got involved with a local youth football club our boys played for (we had 4 by then). I became the club secretary 2 yrs ago having been on the committe for a few years. I spent a lot of time at the club and on the phone or texting club members. SF started accusing me of affairs. I got very upset he should have known that I totally believed in monogamy. 2 yrs ago he accused me of an affair with the manager of my 2nd sons team. This man became the club chairman, we worked well together. My husband made many threats towards him, eventually going to his home to tell his wife that we had been having an affair (not true). I had to quit the club as it became impossible for us to work together. 15 months ago I started divorcing him. He refused to move out of the house for 7 months which was horrendous.
he was fine with the boys but became vicious when ever he saw me.......I had to call the police afew times. finally he moved out on court orders 3 days before we got the absolute. But the harrassment conyinued and the threats got worse. After he went I changed the locks and my fone numbers. He would phone the boys instead and demand to speak to me even at 3am. Until the night he phoned and threatened to kill me. An hour later he was pretending to be the cat wanting to be let in, I was on phone to police at the time and they were here in 5 minutes he was hiding in my shed when he was arrested. he finally pleaded guilty and accepted a restraining order to stay away.