Jealousy

Jealousy

I find it hard to admit that I sometimes feel a tinge of jealousy
I try not to be jealous of anyone.
Jealousy can lead to problems in any kind of relationship
I try not to have jealous thoughts but they manage to creep in anyway

I have been thinking about jealousy a lot recently, mine and that of others
For months now I have been writing about my sexual adventures on my blogs
Quite a few of my lovers read my blog. It seems odd to me that none of them have ever shown any indication that they could get jealous of my adventures with others.
Quite the opposite they seem to enjoy reading about my adventures with others as much as my adventures with them.

Some of my playmates I have not written about because they either write blogs themselves or at the least read mine. I find that I don’t want the world to know all the intimate details, I guard them close to me I feel jealous of others who would share my intimacy. It didn’t seem this way in the beginning I was proud then to share my intimacies with my readers. It made me feel good that my readers were enjoying my intimate moments with me. I was proud that my lovers enjoyed reading my version of our encounters, especially when they told me that reading about it was just as good sometimes even better than the great time we had together.

I was trying to work out why I have changed my feelings about what I write. Maybe it is because I am feeling jealous. I read blogs that give accounts of sexual adventures, some detailed others not and I get jealous. I read a blog that gives accounts of women who the blogger wishes to have sex with and I feel jealous. I read another blog where the author describes his feelings about meeting a new woman, again I feel jealous, I don’t want to read but I do. There are other bloggers I have met whose blogs make me jealous with their stories both true and imagined. I am not just talking about the male bloggers I have met. There are bloggers I am in contact with who have stronger links with other bloggers we both know. This makes me jealous too. Why am I feeling so much jealousy in the blogging world? I am addicted to it and it gives me a release from the everyday worries. In many ways blogging has been very good for me. I have also made a lot of friends through my blogging. Some I have met, (I have probably met more bloggers than most other bloggers have).

I guess sometimes I am jealous of the relationships other bloggers have in their life while I am in limbo with my sex life. Sometimes I get jealous of other bloggers because they get to go on lovely holidays when I cant .sometimes I get jealous of other single mums who can have child free weekends (not an option for me). I am lucky that my children are old enough for me to leave them for hours at a time occasionally even over night. But I can never have anyone here for a weekend or even just over night. I can’t invite a lover for dinner.

I must be lonely in my own home. Maybe one day I shall find a man who wants to share my life and we will be able to share time in my home once the boys have got used to there being someone else in my life.

I commented on a blog recently that I can’t allow myself to think about my lovers with other women even their wives. I know I am not the only one they see just as they are not the only one I see. They enjoy discussing my sex life but I don’t ever ask about theirs. We all know that we are not in exclusive relationships. If I am playing with others I have no right to feel jealous of the other women my lovers have. Maybe this is why I am having trouble with jealousy in the blogging world. My lovers who are not bloggers don’t talk about their lovers so although I know there are others I don’t know anything about them. But in the blogging world it is there for me to read about. I am not saying that I get jealous because I want to be the one and only for these people. Reading about their desires that don’t include me doesn’t make me feel betrayed or that I cannot be friends with these people. I think all it has done is make me feel less inclined to write about my own adventures. I think partly this has also come about because there is a blogger who I have met who I thought was my friend but he has become distant, someone recently commented that maybe it is because he is jealous of my adventures and he is not part of them. Then I get jealous of others for being able to write when I can’t. No that isn’t right, it isn’t that I can’t, it is more that I have no desire to share my intimate details yet I can pour out my feelings of hurt.

What I want to be doing is pouring out my happiness. Maybe that is the root of my jealousy. That others are happier than me. Yet I know for many that is not the case.
I feel that my sadness is bringing me down taking away my sexiness. I don’t want to be sad I want to be happy to be spreading the love and warmth I have inside. The warmth and giving that I had to suppress for all those years. I have so much to give but at the moment I don’t know if I have someone to share it with.

My choice?

Partly