Saturday, 21 July 2007

Paranoid and irrational

no great words of wisdom today

I am in a sorry state today

been feeling sorry for myself all day

the torrential rain didn't help

not being busy at work didn't help

too much time to think

too many sad thoughts

paranoia setting in

I know he can't help it if his time is already committed

he can't make the meeting I asked for on the off chance

Oh well never mind is the reaction I gave

its the only logical reaction

but that wasn't enough

having spent all day thinking about whether he trully wants me

wanting to cry, but holding back

I tell him how hurt I am

that he must do better

yet my mind knows that he hasn't rejected me

it is me who is rejecting me for him

my warped mind that doesnt think I am good enough for him

my warped mind that thinks he is ashamed of me

It is me who wants him so bad that I cannot believe he might want me too

I thought about sendng Oxo the secret text message asking to see him

But to my mind I would be using him for comfort

when it is not his arms and lips I crave

I thought of texting PL to meet up before he goes to work

but I figured friday afternoon his wife would be home early

I thought of N but only for a second

I text FF we will meet soon

JJ text me

he is thinking of me while naked in his bed

yes this could be what I need

but neither of us are home alone

we agree to have fun next month when he will have more time

I guess all I can do now is

MY Rabbit

I tried him again a few days ago

just to see

if pleasure he will give to me

at last it seems to be better

he slides in with ease

and vibrates where before he did not reach!!

I must go now to my bed and my new friend

who with his long ears will titilate

and cause me to become wet

relaxation he will help me to find

before into a deep slumber I shall sink

this I shall now do I think

1 comment:

George said...

LiR ... sounds like a difficult position to be in ... and you put yourself there. By putting yourself there with no defined time (solution) you hurt yourself. I certainly would not want to do that to myself. I would think to ask myself ... is this that important? Will it change my life for the better? Can I put my finger on why I feel like this. I know it rotten to have to apply a cold and clear thought process to a warm but foggy situation ... you have to ask yourself ... is this pain worth a meeting a month? If it is and you want more you should go after what you want ... you will continue to feel alone if you don't.